LOTS - CARA/KAHLAN

They Never Got You

shimmeryshine

Title: They Never Got You

Author: shimmeryshine

Pairing: Cara/Kahlan

Rating: pg–13

Summary: Slight AU after Eternity. What if once rebroken, Cara was ordered to retrieve not just the Stone of Tears, but the Mother Confessor as well? (Also known as: Would someone PLEASE give Cara the chance to sort herself out before you start casting spells of undoing all over the place!)

they never got you

Kahlan grits her teeth and spits blood, but turns her attention back to the blonde. “You can’t break me,” she says softly. It’s not a statement of defiance, but a whispered truth.

cara/kahlan – pg–13

a/n: It never really sat well with me that Cara was able to be rebroken so easily, or that no one gave her the chance to fight through it on her own before Zedd cast the spell of undoing. So, I’m fixing it! With a little bit of AU and Kahlan torture times lol. This is more angsty than what I usually write, but I wanted to try something a little different. For my lovah sewfeeyeah.

They Never Got You

shimmeryshine

It’s the middle of the night on the third day of Kahlan’s training when Cara completely breaks in half. She’s spent hours and hours hitting, agieling, and taunting the Mother Confessor to no avail. The woman will not break. Cara is not exactly surprised at the difficulty she is having, but it’s irking her nonetheless. Someone who is as emotional as Kahlan should break when put before the skills Cara possesses. But she doesn’t.

Kahlan always waits until the rare moments that they are alone to speak, not wanting to betray any of Cara’s previous confidences to their enemies (which Cara thinks is a useless sentimental thing to do for your torturer, but this is Kahlan). This time she waits a bit, trying to regain a bit of her breath after a particularly vicious blow to her middle. Cara is watching her curiously, always eager to let her prey reveal their own greatest weaknesses, when Kahlan lifts her head up, defiantly looking Cara in the eye. She looks like she’s about to speak, so Cara holds her agiel by her side and waits.

“I forgive you,” she whispers out thickly in a voice made harsh from days of abuse. Cara is furious and backhands her across the face before she can say another word. Kahlan grits her teeth and spits blood, but turns her attention back to the blonde. “You can’t break me,” she says softly. It’s not a statement of defiance, but a whispered truth.

Cara rubs the base of her agiel with her thumb. “We’ll see about that, Confessor.”

“The harder you try, the more angry and resolute I get, Cara. Not even for me, what they are doing to me.” She pauses.

“What I am doing to you,” Cara corrects.

“No. What they have done to you Cara. That’s what makes me so angry, what makes it impossible for you to…” Kahlan trails off.

“What they have done to me? Kahlan, they have given me back who I am. I am no longer that weak woman who followed you and your Seeker around the Midlands like a neutered hunting dog, ’helping’ all those undeserving weeping nobodies crawl out of whatever hole they dug themselves into that week. I am powerful again, I am Mord–Sith again.” Cara’s chin is pointing up in the air proudly, daring Kahlan to dispute her words. Kahlan only smiles sadly.

“Cara why do you think they had to use a special agiel on you? To break you with dark magic? Because you were already too strong to be broken!”

Cara waves her hand dismissively, “there was just a lot to undo, that’s all.”

“Do you know what kind of power dark magic undoes?” Cara only squints suspiciously in Kahlan’s direction. She doesn’t know a fraction of what Kahlan knows about magic, but she is sensing this conversation is heading into dangerous territory. Heading right where Kahlan wants it to go. “It undoes love, Cara.” Kahlan’s voice breaks off at the blonde’s name, and Cara steps forward so there are only scant inches between them. She’s well in range for any number of excrutiating punishments, but Kahlan does not flinch away. “They had to try and burn that love out of you so you would forget, forget who you truly are. What you have become away from these monsters.”

Cara rolls her eyes at the mention of love. “You have got to be kidding me,” she says under her breath, but Kahlan is speaking again before she can move away, and the tone of her voice catches Cara up in its intensity.

“Cara, no matter what you do, or what Darken Rahl does, I will always remember. I will never stop fighting for you, the real you. The Cara I traveled with for weeks, the Cara who deflected countless dacras and swords from harming me, the Cara who came back from the dead just to continue our quest and help Richard, the Cara who single handedly saved the night wisps from extinction, the Cara I love.”

At this sudden outpour of emotion, Cara is caught off guard by sweeping, foreign warmth in her chest. She remembers going into that grotto with the dying wisp, thinking she had failed them, failed Kahlan, and then seeing all of the hundreds of glowing blue babies swarm around her head, alive. She felt something that day, something she hadn’t felt since she was a child. Since before she was broken. An image of Kahlan’s face when she told her that the babies made it, that they were okay, comes unbidden to the forefront of her mind, causing her to stand stock still. The look in Kahlan’s eyes is so much like the look in her eyes as she hangs from the ceiling now, one with emotion behind it. Emotion that Cara can never quite put a name to, but now she doesn’t have to. Kahlan has done it for her. Love. The minute she thinks the word, a hundred other snippets of memories flit through her head. Zedd patting her on the shoulder. Richard smiling at her, telling her he’ll miss her too when they have to separate for a short while. Kahlan holding her hand in that suffocating tomb. And suddenly Cara is alive again. She feels something burst within her chest, something dark and restrictive and evil, and it’s replaced by a warm, light feeling she associates with Kahlan’s smile. Her eyes widen and her agiel hand drops to her side as she fully takes in the hanging woman before her.

And then she clenches her jaw in rage. What have I done? she thinks frantically as she sees relief flood Kahlan’s features. Cara not only feels anger at her herself, she feels ashamed. Never in her life, not even after the Mord–Sith abandoned her and she took up arms with the Seeker and the Confessor has she ever felt truly ashamed of who she was. She was proud, powerful. But now? Seeing Kahlan dangling from the chains she herself affixed the ceiling makes her want to turn her agiel to her own heart. She almost can’t stop herself from storming through the temple to lay waste to the place, to everyone who has brought her to this moment, again. Most of all she’s furious with herself that she let Darken Rahl break her. Again. It was one thing when she was a vulnerable child, beaten and broken for years, but now? After all she’s been through? Her stomach recoils at her own weakness, but it’s Kahlan she needs to be focusing on now. Just the sight of her is enough to move Cara to blind rage. The metal links chaining her to the ceiling are no doubt leaving ugly sores where they rub against delicate skin, and Cara cannot bear the thought of the pure, kind, strong Mother Confessor being marked in such a horrific way. Completely immobile and unable to fight back.

All because of her. All because of Cara’s weakness. Kahlan had trusted her. Trusted her so much, that she didn’t even question Cara’s mental state when she had returned from Darken Rahl, claiming to have escaped being broken. In Kahlan’s eyes, Cara was strong, a fighter, and too proud to ever be broken again by a man such as Darken Rahl. How Cara wished that were true.

Shaking her head, Cara wishes away the brooding thoughts; this is not the time for them. She likely only has minutes to get Kahlan down from the shackles suspending her from the ceiling before another Mord–Sith, or Darken Rahl himself comes to check on her progress breaking the Mother Confessor. She holsters her agiel quickly, noting that it slides too easily into its sheath, still coated in the confessor’s blood. Cara wants to throw it across the room, but she may need it to fight their way out so she leaves it there, to remind herself later of what she has done. What she can never, ever take back.

The chains clank together loudly as Cara furiously works to lower Kahlan’s body enough for release, but no one comes to investigate. Kahlan groans, now mostly unconscious as her bare feet hit the blood–spattered podium underneath her limp body. Cara steps close to her, pressing her body against Kahlan’s for support, one arm wrapped around her sweat soaked waist and the other unlinking her restraints. When the last one comes free, Kahlan collapses her full weight onto the blonde, and Cara staggers backward trying not to drop the taller woman to the floor. She cannot stand the thought of inflicting one more measure of pain, no matter how small or necessary.

Kahlan’s dead weight is heavy, but Cara’s body is thumping with adrenaline, and she is strong. Has always been stronger than she looks. She leans down, scooping up Kahlan’s legs, and is quickly carrying the brunette across the training room to the back entrance. Kahlan’s head is pillowed against her leather–clad shoulder, and Cara finds herself whispering to the woman without even realizing she’s doing it. She starts chanting, “I’m sorry Kahlan, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” over and over again into her matted hair, and against all odds, feels Kahlan’s limp fingers curl against her bicep in response. Cara thinks it’s supposed to be a comforting gesture, one meant to convey that Kahlan understands, but Cara wishes she would squeeze harder, make it hurt, punish her. She doesn’t deserve the Mother Confessor’s kindness. Not after what she’s done.

By the time Cara makes it to her quarters, her arms are shaking with spent adrenaline and the weight of carrying her battered friend. She deposits her on her own bed, so carefully, trying not to hurt her. It’s impossible though, Kahlan has welts and bruises and cuts everywhere, and she lets out a strangled grunt as her weight transfers from Cara’s arms to Cara’s bed. Cara moves the hair from her face, sweeping an appraising glance down Kahlan’s body, making sure she’s in one piece. Kahlan just lies there, still dressed in the barely wide enough panels of metal, one across her chest and one across her hips, but she appears to be well enough to travel. At least in the physical sense.

Cara doesn’t even want to contemplate what kind of psychological damage lurks beneath the surface.

Cara’s bare fingers are bleeding as she unfastens the last metal confine, tearing it quickly from pale, freckled skin. She makes herself stare at the half dried blood pooled against the newly bared skin, so she will never forget any of this. Never forget what she has done to this woman. Sprinting to her wardrobe, Cara yanks a loose shift from its hanger, and carries it over to the bed. Putting Kahlan in Mord–Sith leather would have probably made it easier to smuggle her out, but there is no way Cara is going to force her damaged body into one of the extra skin tight leather suits she has in her room. Cara is as gentle as she thinks she’s ever been in her life as she slides onto the bed behind Kahlan’s head, lifting it gently into her lap. Kahlan doesn’t open her eyes at all, so Cara quickly places the opening of the shift over her curls and slides it over her head and down to her shoulders. She has to move off the bed to stand in front of her to get it the rest of the way down her body, but she feels better once Kahlan is fully covered. The confessor is so easily embarrassed about that kind of thing, Cara desperately wants to make her comfortable. Even if the notion of modesty is so laughably unimportant at this point in time.

Darken Rahl had been so sure of the authenticity of Cara’s rebreaking once she returned to him with not only the Stone of Tears, but the subdued Mother Confessor, that he let Cara keep Kahlan’s personal belongings in her own bedroom to have them on hand for her training. In case they were needed to evoke emotional responses. Cara had hung the white dress and daggers from the back of her own door, where she could always see them. The sight of them makes her recoil now, but she shoves her bloody hands back into her gloves and grabs them gently off the hook to take along. Kahlan needs her things. Once the white dress, daggers, and whatever food Cara can scramble into her pack from the small table in her room are secured, she stills and just stares at the broken woman on her bed.

Well, damaged, Cara thinks to herself. Kahlan was not broken. She refused to take any of Cara’s bait, refused to let any of the torture by her own friend, Darken Rahl himself, or even Dahlia make a dent in her resolve.

Dahlia. The name makes Cara want to scream, to bury her fist into the nearest face. She had betrayed her on the deepest level, and Cara had let her have a turn when Kahlan had been strung up. How could she have been so weak? But none of it had mattered, the confessor had resisted with every single breath.

Kahlan Amnell is a rare woman. And probably the only person on the planet who could have undone the complicated weave of magic within her. Darken Rahl had inadvertently given Cara all she would ever need to escape him yet again.

It is becoming increasingly clear to Cara that she is not going to be able to carry Kahlan out of the building, so she methodically allows herself to take stock of what she has in her bedroom to help them escape. The small cluster of vials on her dresser catches her eye, and Cara immediately grabs them up in her fist, clinking them together in her palm. The vials contain herbs and oils meant for waking their trainees from unconsciousness. Cara bites her lip at the prospect of forcing Kahlan out of her relatively peaceful state of unconsciousness and into the stark pain of reality, but it’s the only thing she can think of. Kahlan is going to have to be able to walk or they aren’t going to be able to get out. Cara makes her way back to the bed, sliding her hand behind Kahlan’s head to tilt it up as she waves an open vial under her nose. Kahlan is breathing somewhat raggedly, but it only takes a few moments for her to come gasping awake. Her blue eyes fly wide as Cara sees a wave of pain ebb across her features.

“It’s alright Kahlan, it’s alright,” she whispers. Kahlan is gritting her teeth, fingers gripping hard on the blonde’s forearm. “I’m going to get you out of here.” Cara is nodding, trying to see if she’s getting through, and Kahlan finally focuses on her face, nodding back. “Okay. Okay. Can you walk?”

Kahlan pauses for a moment, and Cara can feel her flexing various muscles under the shift. “Not sure,” she croaks out. Her voice is hoarse from screaming. Cara lets it wash over her like sandpaper, leaving stinging cuts in its wake.

“I know it hurts, but you have to try.” Cara scoops an arm behind Kahlan’s back and helps her into a standing position. Kahlan is gripping her hard, but she manages to remain upright. Cara snatches her pack up onto her back, and then she’s steering Kahlan through the back door of her rooms. It leads to a less traveled series of halls, which are more likely to be deserted at this time of night. Kahlan is limping and Cara can see that she’s biting her lip hard enough to draw blood, but she’s putting one foot in front of the other. Quietly. Cara doesn’t think she has ever respected anyone more.

They make their way slowly and soundlessly down the dark hallway, following a path that Cara still knows by heart. This was the way she and Dahlia would sneak out to go hunting in the woods when they were much younger. The thought of Dahlia makes Cara’s insides turn to fire again, so she shuts her brain off and focuses on keeping Kahlan moving. A quick glance at her face reveals copious amounts of sweat beading on her brow and dripping down her neck, but she’s still walking. Cara doesn’t dare speak for fear she will break the confessor’s concentration.

As they reach the heavy wooden door leading out into the woods, Cara thinks that their escape has been too easy, but Darken Rahl is nothing if not completely arrogant, and there is no reason why he should think Cara would betray him like this.

Cara props a panting Kahlan against a damp stone wall for a moment of rest while she quietly unlatches the door. She opens it wide enough to stick her head out, and surveys the area for any signs of life. It’s pitch black outside, the clouds covering the moon completely, so she can’t see much, but that means that they will be harder to spot as well. “Ready?” she asks as she pulls Kahlan close enough to support.

Kahlan takes a deep breath and nods, and then Cara is slipping them through the open door, making sure to pull it shut behind them.

They walk through the woods for as long as Kahlan can physically put one foot in front of another. The amount of space they put between themselves and the Mord–Sith temple is actually a pretty respectable amount. Miraculous even, if you consider Kahlan’s condition. Wanting to be away from that dreadful place of torture is apparently as good a motivator as any. When they come across a small pool, Cara stops walking and helps Kahlan slide down to lean against a tree. She is panting heavily, gulping in breaths of the humid night air. “We can make camp here,” Cara says. Kahlan’s eyes quickly dart from side to side as if she is looking for invisible captors, but then she nods her assent. “We can wash you off in the pool.”

Cara strips quickly, and then helps Kahlan rid herself of the flowy shift. Her pale skin is covered in blood and bruises and dirt, and Cara is secretly glad for the extensive cloud cover because she doesn’t want Kahlan to see herself like this. As they wade into the cool pool, Kahlan lets out a sigh of relief and lets herself sink to the bottom. It’s shallow enough to sit on the sandy bottom with her head still easily breaking the surface. Cara stays behind her, offering as much privacy as she can give, and brings her hands to move Kahlan’s tangled hair off her shoulders. “I’m going to rinse you off,” Cara warns before she puts her hands on Kahlan’s skin. She doesn’t know how jumpy the brunette might be after the past few days, or how trigger happy she might be with her powers of confession. After what she’s done, Cara would get down on her knees and bare her neck to the confessor’s will if that’s what she wanted, but being dead wouldn’t help keep Kahlan safe.

“Thank you.” They are the first words Kahlan has spoken since they left the temple and Cara feels her throat close up in shame at the words.

“You have nothing to thank me for Kahlan, I almost killed you.” It’s out of her mouth before she can even try to hold it back. Cara’s hands continue to gently scrub away at the grime on Kahlan’s back as Kahlan turns her head so Cara can partially see her face.

“It’s not your fault what they did to you. They used dark magic on you, against your will.”

“But they captured me. I allowed them to capture me, and then I tortured you for days Kahlan. Three days!” Kahlan flinches when she raises her voice, and Cara is instantly sorry she’s done it. But the last thing Cara needs is Kahlan’s pity. She should hate her.

“Cara…”

Cara cuts her off. “Dunk your head so I can wash your hair.” Kahlan sighs and does as she’s told. Cara combs her fingers through Kahlan’s impossibly long hair until every knot is smoothed and her own fingers have turned into prunes.

They exit the pool in silence, and Cara pulls her leathers most of the way on as quickly as she can before she grabs for Kahlan’s shift. Kahlan holds her hand out to stop her. “My dress. I just want to put my dress back on.” Cara nods, understanding the power in feeling like yourself again. It takes them twice as long as it normally takes Kahlan to put on her dress alone, but she ends up all laced and looking as regal as ever. Most of her injuries are covered now, only a split lip and angry bruise on her cheekbone visible on her face, and a small knot on her collarbone. Cara rolls out their singular bedroll under the tree and motions for Kahlan to lie down.

“I’ll keep watch, you sleep.” Kahlan looks like she could pass out where she stands, so she doesn’t argue. Once she’s down, she’s asleep in minutes, and Cara perches on a nearby rock where she can keep her eye on the sleeping confessor and the surrounding woods.

Kahlan sleeps for about two hours when she starts whimpering and then bolts upright in her bed. Cara watches as she starts gulping breaths, chest heaving as she tries to calm herself, but nothing seems to be working. When Cara catches her gaze, there are tears in her blue eyes, and she immediately vacates her rock post to slide down in front of the distraught woman. “It was just a dream,” Cara says softly. It’s clear though that Kahlan was dreaming about things that are only all too real. Cara isn’t sure what to do, she’s never been good at this kind of thing, and she currently feels more distant from human emotions than she ever has. Except for the burning need to do something to make Kahlan stop crying.

“Will you lay with me?” Kahlan asks meekly. Cara is glad to have been given something she can do to make Kahlan feel better, so she slides herself down next to her wordlessly. Kahlan immediately presses herself to Cara’s body, burying her face in her neck, and slinging an arm across her waist. “I missed you,” Kahlan confesses into her hair. Cara holds her breath because she’s scared of the noise that might come out of her mouth if she tries to speak. Instead she reaches her arm around Kahlan’s back and pulls her closer, rubbing small circles into the material of her dress. Kahlan is shaking like a child, so Cara holds her as closely as possible until she drifts back off into sleep.

When Kahlan wakes, the late morning sun is streaming through the trees, bathing her in warmth. It’s the warmest she’s felt in days. She can feel Cara still lying beside her on the bedroll, only she’s flat on her back now. Kahlan slowly moves her head toward the blonde and finds her wide awake, staring sightlessly at the leaves above them. The look on her face is one Kahlan has seen many times before - Cara is planning something. “Cara?” she says softly, startling the other woman.

Cara sits up immediately, her look of concentration shifting focus to the groggy Mother Confessor. “How are you…feeling?” she asks hesitantly.

Kahlan moves her limbs gingerly, only grimacing slightly as some of her muscles protest. Her shoulders are especially sore, but she’s had worse. She’s pretty sure Cara had been subconsciously holding back while torturing her. “Better this morning.”

Cara nods, only half believing her. “We shouldn’t stay here much longer, it’s been daylight for a few hours. We had a fairly good head start, but they can follow our tracks better in the daytime.”

Kahlan nods at her assessment, but reaches out an arm to stop Cara from rising off the floor. “Cara, what are you going to do once you get me back to Richard?” It’s not like there are many options for what Cara was probably planning as Kahlan slept by her side.

A familiar, irritated flicker of emotion crosses her face, making Kahlan sigh in relief at its implication. Cara knows that Kahlan cannot read her as a Mord–Sith, but as a person in general, Kahlan has no such limitations. “What does it matter what I do once I get you back to Richard?”

“It matters to me. Tell me.” Kahlan is leaving no room for discussion and Cara cannot physically bring herself to deny the woman anything.

“I’m going to deliver you to Richard, and then I’m going to turn around and burn that temple to the ground. With everyone inside. I’m going to kill them all.”

Kahlan takes a deep breath, and for a moment, Cara thinks that maybe she has done enough damage that Kahlan is going to let her go without a fight. Let her leave, turn around and march herself back into Darken Rahl’s nest of sister Mord–Sith and inflict as much damage as possible before one of them inevitably kills her in the cross fire. Cara turns her face away from burning blue eyes and focuses on the peeling bark of a tree across from where they are sitting. She finds that she doesn’t want to be looking into Kahlan’s eyes when she confirms her suspicions. The gentle touch on her face takes her completely by surprise. Kahlan cups her hand against Cara’s cheek, gently turning it so they are once again face to face. “I understand why you want to do that Cara, why you want to kill them all. Take me with you.”

Cara can only stare as Kahlan’s words sink in. “What? Kahlan how could you even…how can you even stand to look at me after what I have done?”

Kahlan sighs. “Cara I’m not going to have this conversation with you again, it wasn’t your fault. None of it was, and you stopped it. I told you I forgive you, and I meant it.” Cara is mortified when she feels her eyes grow hot and full with unshed tears. Kahlan kindly pretends not to notice. “Now, let’s go get Richard and Zedd and then we’ll all come back for the stone. And for all of them.” Cara has to help her stand up, but once she’s standing, she almost seems like her normal self.

Kahlan gingerly walks around loosening her tight muscles as Cara packs up their hastily constructed camp. It takes only a few minutes and the pair is ready to set off in search of their Seeker and Wizard. As Cara slings the pack over her shoulder, Kahlan shoots her a crooked smile and starts walking through the trees, leaving Cara to take up the rear. Cara cannot take a step for a full five seconds as she stares after the retreating woman.

She thinks this is what having a family must feel like.

~ ~ ~