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heartsways - The Ninth Way: Recriminations

LOST GIRL - BO/LAUREN

“Ways To Tell You I’m Sorry” series

The Ninth Way: Recriminations

heartsways

Title: Ways To Tell You I’m Sorry - The Ninth Way: Recriminations

Author: heartsways

Rating: NC–17

Fandom: Lost Girl

Pairing: Bo/Lauren

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for–profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Summary: Bo gets a shock…and a clue.

Author’s Note: Thanks for the awesome beta and advice. Truly appreciated.

The Ninth Way: Recriminations

heartsways

Bo flipped open her phone and stared grimly at the screen as though she could make words appear there by sheer willpower alone. After a few seconds, she let out a sigh and snapped the phone shut again. Resisting the urge to throw it across the room, she leant back on the couch and stretched out her legs. This wasn’t good. Lauren had promised to call, and, more than a day later, she’d heard nothing from the doctor. Not even so much as a quick message or a text or…or anything. After the night when Lauren had told her about her parentage, Bo had swung wildly from exhilaration to despair. Knowing who her parents were was a huge step forwards, but finding out that she was from Dark Fae blood changed her perspective on everything. She’d seen enough of the Dark to know that it was a burden she wasn’t ready to take on. But her true nature was rooted in death and destruction, so how was she to deny herself the heritage that Lauren had sought out for her?

Discovering her Fae identity had opened up her life to impossible expectations and experiences. Her abilities had always seemed like a punishment, preceding the crimes she had committed over the years. But Lauren had helped her to see another side to her Fae abilities; the doctor had enabled Bo not only to control her powers, but to actually enjoy them. There was something to be said for science, after all, Bo had thought firmly. And more than something to be said for Lauren’s patience and guidance.

It wasn’t just that, of course. Because if patience and guidance were all Bo required from Lauren, then they would be together right now, working on Bo’s abilities and having drinks and fun and meaningless flirtation that led nowhere. Everything had seemed easy at first, but emotions always got in the way sooner or later. For Bo, it was usually sooner. She sometimes felt the need for love, almost too desperately. But she’d watched too many happy couples pass her by on the street at night and found herself gazing after them with a longing that was akin to jealousy. Her parents had loved her the best way they knew how, but growing up had become a painful process almost overnight. One minute she’d been thinking about Homecoming and the next, she was trapped under the dead weight of her boyfriend. After that, it was a succession of failed one–night affairs from which she ran with horror.

And she’d kept on running. The more she ran, the further away she’d seemed from the one thing she wanted the most. Her human foster father had always been an equivocal sort of man; he’d told her once that people often didn’t find what they were looking for until they stumbled over it by surprise.

Lauren had been a surprise. Almost from the first moment they met. Bo couldn’t forget the sensation of Lauren’s cool hands on her skin, that first time. Nor could she forget the expression of embarrassed chagrin that crept across the doctor’s face as she forgot herself in the lab. For all the times Lauren had attempted to embody her persona and remain calm and collected, she had also allowed Bo to see what lay beneath. And Bo had found herself desperately attracted to the woman Lauren permitted herself to be when they were together. No longer running from, but running towards at a breakneck pace that left the Succubus breathless and aching in its wake.

Even the lack of trust that flickered between them hadn’t deterred Lauren’s persistence. Sometimes Bo felt as though their relationship was too tenuous to survive; after all, there was more unsaid than said, more repression than confession. It had only been very recently that the notion of complete honesty had sprung up between them, growing anew among the embittered wastes of lies and deceit. Bo wore her heart on her sleeve – a fact that Kenzi had often warned her about – but the desire to love and be loved was too strong for the Succubus to ignore and her heart, like her nature, was an unstoppable force integral to her survival.

Glancing at her phone again, Bo grunted and let out a sigh, leaning her head back onto the couch. Okay, so maybe Lauren was just really busy. Or her phone wasn’t working. Or maybe she’d forgotten to call.

No; that wasn’t right. Lauren never forgot anything. It was in her nature to be precise about the things that were important to her. And Bo was important to her…wasn’t she?

Pushing her lips together in a pout, Bo dismissed notions that suggested otherwise. Of course she was, or Lauren wouldn’t have made deals with the Dark Fae to glean information from them. She was just being cautious, that was all. The fact that she hadn’t called meant that she was covering her tracks, hoping that nobody would discover her betrayal. It was hard to judge what would prevail: Lauren’s fear and devotion to The Ash, or her desire to help Bo. Either way, she was probably just laying low for a while and doing what she’d promised; protecting Bo as well as herself had become a priority.

Not that I need protecting, Bo thought glumly. I just need Lauren.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a body crashing onto the couch beside her and an elbow digging firmly into her ribs. Letting out an injurious cry, Bo threw a fierce glare towards Kenzi, who shrugged it off and leaned against the Succubus.

“So what’s with the face?”

Bo balked at Kenzi’s question and screwed up her face in confusion. “The uh…the what?”

“Face,” Kenzi repeated, circling her finger around her own visage and speaking as though Bo was a five year–old child. “What’s with your face? You’re all gloomy and grouchy and…and…other things beginning with a ‘g’.”

“Oh,” Bo responded, leaning her head back against the couch again. “It’s Lauren. She hasn’t called.”

“Uh huh.” Kenzie wasn’t surprised. People playing with Bo’s emotions? Must be a day ending in ‘y’. She just couldn’t understand why Bo kept going back for more. It was like the girl had a deathwish for her own heart or something. Succubi were weird, from what Kenzi could gather. Weird and horny. Like, all the time.

“Kenzi…” Bo let out a sigh and frowned at her friend.

“What?” Kenzi assumed an expression of innocence and held up her hands in wonder. “She’s sneaky, Bo. Like a little Fae–owned snake. And what’s with that anyway? What sort of person allows themselves to be owned by someone else?” Her hands dropped onto her lap with a loud smack and she puffed out her cheeks in disbelief.

Lauren’s secrets were her own to keep or share, Bo thought. And although there was very little about her own life that Kenzi didn’t already know, she was loath to start giving details of Lauren’s. She could never convince Kenzi of Lauren’s reasons for being with her that fateful night, and even if she could begin to explain, there was no guarantee that Kenzi would listen with forgiveness. Instead, she offered a shrug of response and avoided elucidating any further. There would be no point, given Kenzi’s infuriating ability to state the obvious – that Lauren had left her without word or sign of life. Again.

“Let’s go out and get smashed,” Kenzi suggested brightly, turning to fix the Succubus with a firm gaze. “You need a little pick me up, if you know what I mean.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and brought the faintest of smiles to Bo’s face, even if the idea was distasteful to her with Lauren still spinning around her brain.

“Can’t,” Bo replied, the smile fading. “Lauren might call.”

Kenzi pushed herself up off the couch and threw her hands into the air again, frustration tugging at her features. “Seriously, Bo. Give it up. She’s no good for you! You’ve been like a Fae with a sore head ever since she slithered out of here the other night. What the frickin’ hell has she done this time?”

“She made a deal with the Dark Fae and found out who my parents are.” Being blunt was, Bo knew, the only way to communicate the gravity of the situation to Kenzi. A situation that was growing more grave with every minute that passed without knowing Lauren’s fate.

Kenzi blinked, trying to take in as much information as she could all at once. Her mouth opened wordlessly a couple of times before she finally shook her head and blinked again. “She…she did what now?”

“Lauren contacted the Dark Fae to get information about my parents. And when I say ‘dark’, I mean nasty, Kenzi. Like, The Morrigan, nasty.”

“Isn’t that kinda…dangerous for her?” Kenzi’s brow furrowed with the mere notion. “And kinda stupid,” she added, with a twist of her mouth.

“Ya think?” Bo’s eyebrows lifted and she let out a sigh. “I told her not to. I mean, I can handle the Dark; I’m Fae. She’s just a human and you know how the Dark feel about that.” Of course, it wasn’t just Lauren’s vulnerability as a human that bothered Bo. It was rather more to do with the fact that Lauren had taken uncalculated risks on her behalf. Risks that indicated a depth of emotion that Bo was still trying to figure out. Lauren was hard to read at the best of times – never more so than now. The metamorphosis of their attraction into something that was much deeper was still undiscovered territory. Bo was certain of her own feelings – but could she depend on Lauren’s to transcend the circumstances that seemed set against them?

She glanced at her phone again, as though it was the barrier she needed to punch through and not the intangible, nebulous uncertainty that flitted through her head every time she thought of the doctor.

“Wow. Go Doc.” Kenzi’s musing brought Bo out of her reverie and she turned to fix her friend with a gimlet gaze.

“Yeah, so the next time you feel like ragging on her, remember what she did. For me, Kenz. She’s not as bad as you think she is. She’s not bad at all, actually.” Good and bad were such directives in her life. She’d often felt that she was bad – after Lauren’s discovery, Bo was beginning to feel trapped on the path she was following. No matter where she trod or how fast she travelled down her own road, it seemed that badness was doomed to trail after her. She was just hoping it would never catch up, because if it did, then she was doomed to be Dark forever. And someone like Lauren could never love a woman whose heart was blackened by birth.

She blinked at Kenzi and let out a sigh, shrugging a little. The girl was her touchstone; her link to the humanity that had been denied her. Could Lauren be the same? Another way of grasping on to the elusive good in her life?

“You know,” Kenzi said thoughtfully, half–smiling at Bo. “That’s kind of badass, contacting the Dark Fae. I might want to hug Lauren.” Catching herself, the corners of her mouth turned down and she cocked her head onto one side, pondering her words. “A little,” she qualified with a grin. “Or maybe just pat her on the shoulder or something…”

Bo couldn’t resist the smile that sprung to her lips. Kenzi was many things, but in the midst of them all, she was still Kenzi. The resolute consistency of that was somewhat comforting.

“So what happens if The Ash finds out Lauren’s been dealin’ with the Dark side?” Kenzi asked.

Bo looked at her phone again, flipping it open and scowling at it before snapping it shut. “It’s not him I’m worried about. It’s The Morrigan. Lauren’s meddling might just be enough to piss her off and you know what happens when the bitch queen gets her rage on.”

Kenzi rolled her eyes and solemnly drew her finger in a line across her throat, making a noise that approximated slashing. Bo nodded silently. It hadn’t escaped her notice that the Dark were merciless when it came to protecting their secrets. And even though Lauren was protected by The Ash, she was fairly certain that The Morrigan wouldn’t take too kindly to any intrusion into her affairs. The fears she harbored on Lauren’s behalf clenched in her chest, compounded by the fear that when Lauren had left her room the last time, she might have also left her life. It had seemed so…so final. As though Lauren was surrendering to the unforgiving restraints placed on their relationship. As though she was saying goodbye and meaning it. Bo had been abandoned by many people, mostly because of her own lack of control. But to be abandoned by Lauren because of her exercise of it? It was cruel and ironic and made her want to march into the Dark community and start throwing punches.

“Have you tried calling her?” Kenzi’s voice was hopeful, helpful. She leaned over the back of the couch and rested her chin affectionately onto Bo’s head, nudging some sort of life back into the Succubus, who gave a watery smile of response and nodded.

“Keeps going to voicemail. I think she might be avoiding me.” Jerking her head back, she blinked at Kenzi with worried, dark eyes. “Do you think she’s avoiding me? I mean, she kept going on about me feeding and crap. Is this a test to see if I sleep with anyone else? What if she’s hurt? Oh god, what if she’s hurt?” Her voice lifted into a high pitch that was horribly whiny and she winced instinctively. She was turning into one of those girls. And it was all Lauren’s fault!

Kenzi stood up, arms outstretched with her palms turned towards Bo in an attempt to quell her fevered worries. “Whoa, whoa…too many questions spinning you off into crazy town there, Bo. She’ll come around. You know,” she pursed her lips, “if she’s got any sense in that science lab of a brain of hers.”

Bo threw up her hands and let out a noise of frustration. “It’s like, we got so close and then she does this and…and…she drives me crazy!”

“Okay, ew.” Kenzi screwed up her face and shook her head in an attempt to rid herself of the mental images that had sprung to mind. “Nobody needs to know about your special doctor/patient relationship, Bo.”

Ignoring the glare that came her way, she folded her arms over her chest and stared down at the Succubus, disconsolate and slumped on the couch below her. “You know what you need?” she suggested.

“A really good therapist,” Bo grumbled, pushing out her lower lip.

“Well, yeah, but apart from that, what you need is a drink. C’mon.” Kenzi reached out and tugged at Bo’s shirt as the Succubus mumbled a reluctant refusal. “Let’s go to The Dell.”

* * * * *

“Hey Trickster, how about two of your finest cocktails for us to start with tonight?” Kenzi slapped her palm onto the bar of The Dell with a determined glint in her eyes.

Trick looked up from where he was cleaning a glass and frowned as his gaze flickered between the two women on the other side of the bar. Kenzi proffered one of her trademark expectant grins and held out her hands like a Dickensian urchin, but Bo merely nodded absently at him and looked away, around the bar. Her eyes ran over the clientele as though searching for something…or someone, but she clearly didn’t find what she was looking for and turned her eyes back to Trick instead, sighing deeply.

“Yeah, bring on the alcohol, lessen the pain,” she said dolefully.

“Because getting drunk is just what a hungry Succubus needs,” Trick told her sardonically, ignoring the roll of her eyes and the second sigh in as many minutes. He’d noticed it as soon as he’d looked at her, the pinched, hungry expression in the corners of her eyes and how her body was tensed and tight on the other side of the bar.

Bo waved away his concerns with a sluggish hand. “I’m not hungry,” she insisted. “I’m just…peckish. So I’m going for a liquid diet instead, right Kenz?” Her friend nodded enthusiastically and Bo shrugged. “Nobody in here looks remotely appetizing anyway.”

“She wants some medical attention, if you know what I mean,” Kenzi leant over the bar and spoke in a horribly loud stage whisper, eliciting a tiny smile onto Trick’s mouth, and a sullen downturn on Bo’s. “A little doctor on patient time, right Bo?”

“Kenzi!” Bo’s response fell somewhere between horror and embarrassment and she looked heavenward, shaking her head. It wasn’t so much Kenzi’s knack of reducing things to their most base components that bothered her, it was more that what Kenzi had said was absolutely true. There were a number of attractive Fae in the bar tonight, most of whom would have rescinded any and all loyalties for one thrilling night with the unaligned Succubus. There was nothing more attractive than walking on the wild side – humans and Fae had that in common, at least. And Bo was aware of the reactions she instilled in other beings. But she’d had enough of empty liaisons; had her fill of energy that, while sustaining her, never really made her feel alive.

It was somewhat ironic that the one person who did was noticeable only by their absence.

“Oh calm down,” Kenzi laughed, pushing at Bo’s arm and winking at Trick across the bar. “Trick’s a man of the world. I bet there’s very little he hasn’t done or seen, am I right or am I right?”

Trick pressed his lips together, giving Kenzi a stern stare. “Fae honor prevents me from answering you with anything other than none of your business,” he intoned, as Kenzi let out a noise of dismissal and rolled her eyes at him. He turned back to Bo again, lines of worry playing around his eyes and tugging at his mouth. Bo not feeding because of Lauren was one thing – and he made a mental note to deal with that problem later. But he couldn’t help wondering just what had transpired between the Dark Fae and the doctor, because in his long existence, he’d seen the heart inspire acts of great recklessness and careless abandon.

But Lauren had never indulged in such dangers. She’d always avoided them and clung to her allegiance as though that alone made her incorruptible. The risks she might have taken had always been entered into with a strong belief in the extent of her abilities, and the restrictions placed on them, too. Her fastidious nature demanded it. But, Trick narrowed his eyes and stared at Bo, he’d also seen how quickly Lauren had been encouraged to question her conscience when it came to Bo; how she’d been almost eager to supplant fidelity with devotion.

A tiny sigh escaped his mouth and he felt the vague pangs of worry prickle at the back of his neck. He’d experienced it himself – the splitting of oneself between duty and love. Allegiances were easy when loneliness isolated the heart. They only became difficult when that heart began to long for a new master, and more so when that master was uninvited and irreplaceable.

Placing two drinks onto the bar in front of the women, Trick leaned over towards Bo and put his hand gently onto her arm, drawing her attention to his saddened gaze.

“If you want to talk about it…” He left the suggestion hanging between them for a moment before Bo pulled her arm away, reaching for her drink and throwing it down her throat with an assumed swagger.

“Talk about how I always fall for people who leave me?” she shrugged. “You don’t need to be a Fae expert to know that it’s me who’s the common factor in all my failed relationships,” she growled. Softening slightly at his widening eyes, she shook her head and let out a mirthless laugh. “At least I didn’t kill her,” she added.

“Bo,” Trick said slowly, a frown forming between his eyes, “whatever she did, she did for you. If she’s not contacting you, then there’s probably a good reason for that.”

“What do you know?” Bo leaned forwards, her gaze hardening with intensity.

“Only that Lauren was getting herself into some hot water, politically speaking,” Trick answered in a low tone.

“Trick. What do you know?” Bo demanded. She understood little about the political ambitions of the Fae; she understood even less about how Lauren navigated her way through that legislative mire. It stood to reason that the further into the dirt Lauren went, the messier it was going to be for her. Fear flashed in her gaze as she looked at the bartender. It pulled at her chest and sent a shiver of anticipatory worry around her body, almost making her flinch.

Trick drew in a short breath and glanced around the room before leaning over the bar. Although The Dell was universally considered as a place of sanctuary for all Fae, he wasn’t naive enough to think that there weren’t ears ready to scoop up secrets and use them for personal gain.

“Not much more than you,” he told the Succubus. “But I heard that the Dark Fae have suddenly acquired an awful lot of medical research that they’re very happy about.”

“That’s the deal Lauren made?” Bo was aghast, mouth falling open in wonder.

Trick shrugged almost non–committally. “Perhaps she thought it was worth it.”

His inference was clear, and Bo shifted slightly under his gaze as she considered the ramifications of such a trade. Lauren had already made a life–altering bargain and relinquished all her connections to the human world. But this? This was her life. That she would give it up so eagerly struck Bo and held her, frozen for a long moment. She’d never considered herself of much consequence when it came to being worthy. Any value she placed upon herself was contained in her abilities and the powers she exacted over those unable to resist them. Her new life with Kenzi and the Fae had encouraged her to seek out value in different ways and, for the most part, she was beginning to see herself in a new light. But there was still a void inside of her that cried out for validation. The incessant desire to mean something to another person, so much so that the future, always so elusive, might even begin to unfold before her eyes.

The last time Lauren had made a sacrifice, it had been for love, and love alone. And this time?

A sudden rush of emotion flooded through Bo, taking her quite unawares and pounding in her ears so that the sounds of the bar dissipated into the background. Knowledge was power, and if the Dark Fae knew everything that Lauren did, then they would surely not hesitate to use it. It was a dangerous game that Lauren was playing and one that the doctor couldn’t possibly hope to win. So why had she even cast the die in the first place?

The only acceptable answer was one that Bo didn’t dare hope to believe in. Not for herself. Not from Lauren. But she wanted it so badly, so desperately that it was the only answer she could find in the dark recesses of her mind where she’d hidden it away and tried to bury it under good deeds of atonement.

Her eyes flickered to Trick’s and she looked at him steadily. He nodded at her, a tiny assertion of the thoughts fleeing through her head and taunting her poor, lost soul. Love, and love alone. However foolhardy and ill–advised Lauren’s actions and words might have been; however many lies had been laid carefully over the truths that the doctor might never be able to say, there was only one reason to do anything…to be anything. Lauren had already proven her worth.

Now it was time for Bo to prove hers.

continued in

The Tenth Way: Exposure