RIZZOLI & ISLES

Mending the Broken

Anne (insanityonline1)

Title: Mending the Broken

Author: ANNE (the insane one)

Rating: PG–13 for now, will go up to M later.

Spoilers: For all of Season 1

Summary: The aftermath of Jane’s shooting for both Jane and Maura. Jane struggles to get over her feelings of guilt over Frankie and Maura, as well as her feelings of vulnerability that she needs to be taken care of. And after Jane takes another risk at work that almost gets her shot, Maura has to decide whether she can face a relationship with someone who one day might not come home from work.

AN: Thanks to the wonderful Kate, who betaed the fic. Any mistakes therefore are going to be mine.

Mending the Broken

Anne (insanityonline1)

Maura desperately wanted to be family. The intolerable hospital had refused to give her any information about Jane, and instead she sat here, with Jane’s blood drying on her dress, on her fingers. She had wanted to kiss Jane, promise her everything would be alright. Instead she had pressed a hand to Jane’s wound, trying to stop the bleeding and begged her to live.

The Rizzolis at least, considered her one of their own.

Angela Rizzoli had arrived at the hospital in tears and held onto Maura, sobbing into her Gucci shirt. Not that Maura had minded.

Now she sat in a waiting room while the woman she loved was in surgery and nobody would tell her anything.

When the doctors came out and spoke to Jane’s family, she sat back and watched, hoping for any sign that Jane was okay. Her fingers curled over the arms of the plastic chair, reminding herself that this was not the time to start spouting knowledge about recovery rates, statistical chances, and now was definitely not the time to break down in front of everyone if Jane was not going to make it.

And finally, Angela walked over to her. “Frankie’s going to be alright.”

“And Jane?”

“She’s okay, Maura. She’s going to be fine.”

Angela must have noticed Maura was perilously close to tears, because she sat down next to her.

“Maura, that’s a good thing. The doctor said she’s going to be sore but she’s going to be fine.”

Maura sniffed and nodded. Angela smiled at her and went back to be with her husband.

And so Maura sat alone.

* * * * *

Maura was not sure how long she had been sitting in the plastic chair. She was cold – although she couldn’t accurately ascertain whether that was because of the air conditioning system or if she was suffering from shock at seeing Jane…Maura blinked. That was an image that she would never be rid of, no matter how hard she tried.

She was determined to stay awake until she could see Jane – and even though the hospital was being stubborn about her status as “non–family” she was going to sit here. She needed to see Jane.

A nurse passed her by, and Maura barely noticed her before the woman doubled back.

“Are you Dr Maura Isles?”

Maura looked up. “Yes?”

“Oh good. We weren’t sure if you were here. Detective Rizzoli told us that you’re her personal physician. She wants to see you.”

Maura decided that since the nurse was telling her she was Jane’s physician and not asking her, she wasn’t technically telling a lie.

* * * * *

Jane looked…pale.

Maura knew that scientifically this was due to the amount of blood she’d lost and the fact she’d just been through surgery, but it still unnerved her.

It was a stark reminder of how close they had been to Maura seeing Jane on her slab. She furiously wiped some tears away, her heart thudding in her chest.

Jane was here. Jane was alive.

“Stop staring at me. I’m not dead.” Jane’s eyes slowly opened. “You’ve been crying. Oh my god…Frankie?” Her voice was more husky than usual, probably due to the breathing tube that had recently been taken out. But her concern for Frankie was making her voice break in fear.

“He’s fine,” Maura assured her, walking briskly over to the bed. “He’s going to be fine.”

Jane breathed a sigh of relief. “Then why were you…?”

“Gee, I don’t know, Jane. Maybe it was because you shot yourself and could have been killed!”

Maura had planned her first meeting with Jane while she had been waiting outside, and this was certainly not how she had expected to act. But she was angry, afraid, relieved – her emotions were ruling her usual sense of logic and she felt out of control.

“It’s unnerving how quickly you’re catching on to sarcasm.”

Jane saw the tears in Maura’s eyes and her heart broke. “Oh, honey. No. Come here.”

Maura’s hand reached for Jane’s and Jane took it, squeezing hard. She shifted a little on the bed and patted the empty space.

“Come up here.”

“I don’t want to hurt…”

“Maura.” Jane speared her with a commanding look. “Come up here.”

Maura nodded and slipped off her shoes before climbing onto the bed, mindful of Jane’s abdomen and the IV drip. She nestled into Jane and smiled as Jane’s good arm curled around her.

“Better?” Jane murmured.

“Much.” Maura’s fingers caressed Jane’s hand, running over the scar Hoyt had given her. “Are you in much pain?”

“I can’t feel a thing. Pretty sure I’m high on pain meds. Ma said I looked spacey.” Jane blinked and looked at Maura. “Do I look spacey?”

Maura thought Jane looked adorable, her face looking earnestly at Maura waiting for an answer.

“I think you look gorgeous.”

Jane snorted with amusement. “Yeah…right.”

“Jane…” Maura’s hand cupped her face. “Why did you do it?”

“Frankie,” Jane said. “I had to make sure he was okay.” Even as she said it, she realised how it must sound to Maura. But at the time, Jane was sure it had been the right thing to do. Yet now, seeing Maura’s obvious state of distress, she heard the doubt creeping into her voice.

“What about me?” Maura asked, pain in her voice. “What would I have done if I had lost you? I’m not even considered family and I…” Her voice cracked as she willed the fresh flood of tears away.

“Wait…what?” Jane blinked, trying to struggle out of the drug–induced fog. “Who said you weren’t family? Was it Ma? You know she gets overly emotional and…”

Maura wiped her tears away. “No, your mother was wonderful. Especially under the circumstances. The hospital said I couldn’t see you because I wasn’t family.”

Jane relaxed back on the bed. “That’s why I told them you were my personal physician.”

“That’s different from family, Jane.”

Jane smiled, and kissed Maura’s hand. “Well, I tried to get you in here by threatening the nurses with my gun, but someone took it away.”

Maura couldn’t help the giggle that left her lips.

“Maura?”

“Mhm?” Maura could see that Jane was about to fall asleep.

“Will you stay?”

“I’m not sure if they’ll allow me…”

“You’re my personal physician. And my girlfriend. Will. You. Stay? Please?”

Maura liked it when Jane called her “my girlfriend". As she looked at Jane, she remembered that the first time Jane had called her that was at a Rizzoli family dinner. Maura knew that Jane had been worrying the entire week about that dinner, about what her family would say. And then, to Maura’s eternal astonishment, when they had arrived, Jane had walked in and announced to everyone: “Maura Isles is now my girlfriend.” The next words out of Jane’s mouth had been: “Do you need me to make the garlic bread?”

She kissed Jane softly on the lips. “I’ll stay.” Her fingers ran gently through Jane’s hair. “Jane?”

“Mmm?”

“I love you.”

Jane smiled as she closed her eyes. “I love you too.”

Maura pressed a kiss to Jane’s forehead. “ Now go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

* * * * *

Maura Isles was true to her word. She had debated strongly with nurses during the evening, and even did her best work at evading the truth so that she could remain with Jane.

So when Jane woke up the next morning, she still felt Maura’s hand in hers and she relaxed. Then she realised that even relaxing hurt.

“Fuck.”

“Jane. Language.”

“Maura…”

“You’re in pain. Do you want me to call a nurse?”

“No. I want to go home. And I want to know how Frankie is. And…”

“One thing at a time,” Maura said, pressing her finger to Jane’s lips. “Let me call a nurse and I’ll go find out about Frankie.”

Jane sighed and nodded. As Maura turned to leave, she felt Jane’s hand around her wrist.

“Jane…what is it?”

The detective’s searching eyes ran over her girlfriend. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. You’re the one with the self–inflicted gunshot wound, remember?”

Jane heard the combination of anger and fear in Maura’s voice. “Maura…I had to…”

“You had choices, Jane. And…and, when I got here, when I didn’t even know if you were going to live or die, the hospital wouldn’t tell me anything!” Much to her aggravation, she felt tears pricking at her eyes.

“Maura. I made that next of kin thing long before I met you. You know that.” Jane tried to tug her closer. “And I didn’t have a choice. Frankie was dying and it’s my fault…”

“It’s not your fault!” Maura turned around to look at her. “He wanted to become a cop.”

“Because of me!” Jane yelled. Her face was grief–stricken, and it was times like this that she hated herself for bringing her brother into this. He should have been a plumber. God, anything but a cop.

Maura tugged her wrist away. “I’m going to get a nurse.”

“Maura…”

“I’ll be back after I check on Frankie.”

Jane let her hands fall back onto the bed in an angry thump. “Shit!”

* * * * *

She didn’t know how long she had been asleep, but Jane awoke to feather–light kisses on her face. She opened her eyes and saw Maura staring down at her. Jane’s hand went to the back of Maura’s head, urging her down for a kiss.

The kiss was soft and tender, and when it finished, Maura remained close to her lips, murmuring:

“I’m sorry.”

Jane leaned in for another kiss, this one deeper than the last. “Me too,” she finally said. “I’m sorry I scared you, but…”

“Frankie, I know.” Maura pressed a gentle kiss on Jane’s cheek. “He’s fine. He’s already complaining about how long he’s been in hospital and how much he’s going to owe you.”

“Maura, I…”

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m sorry I just…”

Jane reached for her hand. “You were scared.”

Maura nodded and sat on the side of the bed. “Yeah, I was.”

“Hey…” Jane squeezed her hand. “You wanna see my contact card?”

“I have seen it.”

“Not my updated one.”

Maura looked at her for a moment then got up and went down to the bottom of the bed. She took the chart out, ignoring the parts that detailed Jane’s injuries. She didn’t want to think about those. And then she found it.

Next of Kin: Dr Maura Isles.

Her breathing hitched and she ran a finger over the words before finally putting the chart back. Maura looked up at Jane, a broad smile gracing her features. “You did that for me?”

Jane reached for her again. “And for me. I want to know that if…you know, it won’t, but if this sort of thing happened again – you’d be here with me.”

“I’d be here with you anyway.” Maura came back to the bed and lay beside Jane, holding the other woman tenderly so as not to hurt her.

“When can I go home?” Jane asked, soothed by the soft touches of Maura’s fingers. “I hate hospitals.”

“I don’t think anyone actually likes hospitals, Jane.” Maura’s fingers ran down Jane’s back in tender caresses. “And when the doctor says you can. Although I think you’ll need someone to stay with you for awhile.”

“Know of any volunteers?” Jane smirked.

Maura smiled. “I might know one.”

Jane felt Maura’s fingers travelling around to caress her arm. “Maura…”

“Mhm?”

“If you keep doing that I might end up doing something that will cause me to rip my stitches.”

Maura’s fingers froze and she looked down at Jane. “Really?”

Jane took Maura’s hand. “Really.”

A smirk appeared on Maura’s face. “I’d read articles where a near–death experience heightened feelings of arousal but I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve actually been able to test the theory.”

Jane closed her eyes. “Please, Maura, for the love of God, do not discuss arousal with me until I’m able to do something about it.”

Maura chuckled and kissed her gently. “Alright, I’m sorry. No more teasing.” She bent down to whisper in Jane’s ear. “But you better hurry up and heal. Not touching you is going to drive me out of my mind.”

Jane groaned. “I really need to get out of this hospital.”

Part 2

Having decided on Jane’s apartment, Maura did her best to help Jane up the stairs and inside. By that time though, Jane’s breathing was laboured and she had gone an awful gray color.

“Bed. Right now,” Maura commanded.

“I like this commanding side of you. Very sexy,” Jane bit out, her eyes closing at another wave of pain.

“Maybe you should have stayed in the hospital.” Maura helped Jane into the bedroom and watched as Jane lay down on their bed. She remembered the night before Jane was shot, how they had made love in this bed, so slow and agonisingly tender that Jane had literally begged for her release, and Maura had watched with eager eyes as Jane came hard, clawing the sheets when she had granted it.

“I hate hospitals,” Jane muttered, adjusting to a comfortable position. She looked up to see Maura watching her and a smile tugged at her lips. “Behave, Maura.”

Maura blinked out of her reverie. “Huh? Oh, I was just thinking that I hadn’t changed the sheets yet.”

Jane smirked. “Yeah. Right. I think it can wait.”

“You need some more pain meds. I’ll just…I’ll just go and get some water.” Maura decided that she’d get one for herself too. Her thoughts had her throat dry and her palms sweaty.

When she returned, Jane had somehow gotten into a sitting position and accepted the pain killers eagerly, gulping them down with water. Maura’s fingers rested on Jane’s back, caressing gently. Jane rested her head on Maura’s shoulder, her right hand taking Maura’s free one, lacing their fingers together. They were content to sit in silence, each alone with their thoughts.

Jane was so tired and sore that she knew she should lie back down – but all she wanted was this – was Maura.

And Maura was wondering if she could ever close her eyes without seeing Jane’s blood again.

* * * * *

Maura hung up the phone, after verifying with Bass’s caregiver that both he and Joe Friday were doing well. She was especially pleased that Bass had improved, although to her horror, she hadn’t thought about him a lot since Jane had been in the hospital.

She was now wearing one of Jane’s old baseball jerseys. Thanks to their differences in height, the garment skimmed her knees, and she found the olfactory sense of Jane quite pleasing. The outfit she had worn that day was destined for the incinerator. She knew that even if the dry cleaners could make it wearable that she would never wear it again. She had left Jane to sleep, after laying with her a few moments, and had instead begun the task of doing anything to keep her mind busy.

She had phoned Angela and Frank, relieved to find that Frankie was on the mend and that he was enjoying the home–cooking. She had listened as Angela vowed to bring some food around for the two of them. She had assured them that Jane was going to be just fine – in Maura’s opinion, there was no other option.

She had phoned Frost and Korsak, assuring them that Jane was recuperating and that she was being taken care of.

She had phoned her boss, explaining that she was taking some time off. And now that she had also phoned and checked on Bass and Joe Friday, Maura was at a loss.

She could not go to sleep, that was a certainty. Jane was the most important thing right now; her well–being was all that mattered. Maura’s reluctance to visualize any of the horrors she had been through was a psychological condition to deal with another time.

Her fingers fell on a picture that had been taken recently of her and Jane after the marathon. They had finished at night, with Frankie as their guide and Angela and Frank holding the finish line. She and Jane were hugging, and then had a picnic dinner with Frank’s small barbecue in the car park. And when they finally got home at around 11pm, Jane had announced that she was getting runner’s high.

Maura’s lips curved in a smile at the memory of that night. When she had felt like part of a family, and Jane had whispered ’I love you’ to her as they fell asleep.

“Maura?”

With a start, Maura placed the picture back on the table and headed into the bedroom. Jane was lying on the bed, her eyes sleepy and unfocused.

“You okay?” Maura asked, sitting on the side of the bed and caressing Jane’s cheek.

“I woke up and you weren’t there.” Jane’s hand closed over Maura’s. “I thought you were going to sleep too?” Her voice was confused, and still husky from sleep.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Maura replied, “so I thought I’d just make some phone calls.”

“How’s Frankie?”

“Enjoying your mother’s home cooking.”

Jane reached up and touched Maura’s lips. “You look tired.”

“I’m fine. How are you? Is the pain medication helping?”

Jane nodded. “I would like a shower though. I think I smell of hospital.”

“A bath might be better.”

“Only if you share it with me.”

Maura saw the hunger in Jane’s eyes, and she felt the answering bolt of arousal in her own body. Her tongue snaked out and ran over her lower lip and at that moment she wanted nothing more than to rip Jane’s clothes off and take her hard and fast.

But that would be very unwise considering the situation. Instead she took a deep breath.

“Jane, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I promise no funny stuff.” Jane put on her very best pout. “Please, Maura. It would make it much easier for you anyway – much easier to get all those hard to reach spots.”

“Alright, but no teasing.” Maura kissed Jane gently on the lips. “Wait here, I’ll draw you a bath.”

* * * * *

They stood in the bathroom together, facing each other. Maura reached out and took the hem of Jane’s t–shirt. Slowly she edged it up Jane’s body, and she tenderly took it off with as little pain to Jane as possible.

Her fingers ran down over Jane’s chest, over her stomach, pausing just above the dressing that covered the wound.

“I thought you said no teasing,” Jane whispered, her eyes watching Maura’s every movement.

Maura looked up and flashed a quick smile. “Sometimes I can’t help myself.”

“Me either,” Jane said, kissing Maura’s lips hard. “Take off the jersey.”

Maura stood back for a moment and lifted the jersey over her head. She let Jane look for a moment, even managed to withstand the detective touching her breasts and abdomen, before she nudged the hands away and took down Jane’s sweatpants and underwear.

It reminded her of the first night they spent together – slowly removing clothes, standing in the room just looking and touching each piece of new skin they uncovered.

“Hop in,” Maura finally said, her hand taking Jane’s.

With a little awkwardness of movement, Jane was finally in the tub and she scooted forwards. Maura smiled and got in behind her, letting Jane lean back against her chest.

Jane remembered the first time they had done this. Granted, it had been in Maura’s larger tub, but this was just as good. It might even be better, considering how close their bodies were. Feeling Maura’s fingers on her body, lathering her deluxe body wash onto Jane’s skin – Jane let out a low moan.

Behind her, Maura’s smile widened and she placed a gentle kiss to Jane’s collarbone. “Like that, hmm?”

“You know I do.”

Jane’s fingers trailed up Maura’s leg, resting on her thigh. “You like that?”

Maura kissed Jane’s shoulder. “Yeah, I do.”

Jane took one of Maura’s hands and rested it on her thigh. She rested her own hand atop it, resting her fingers in between Maura’s.

“It’s very difficult to wash you with only one hand,” Maura told her.

“You’re a genius. I bet if anyone can do it, you can,” Jane replied, her eyes on their hands. Finally she broke the silence. “I’m sorry.”

The other woman’s hand stilled. “Sorry?”

“For what you saw. I didn’t know you were there.”

Maura continued to rinse Jane’s body. “Would you have still done it?”

This time it was Jane’s body that tensed. Her voice was quiet as she replied, “I don’t know.”

Jane felt Maura’s hand retreat from underneath her own and she heard the woman washing herself.

“Maura…”

“You told me to take care of Frankie. And I did. The ambulance came around to the loading dock behind the morgue. And then I came up there and…” Maura’s breath hitched as she willed the tears away. “The water is going to get cold.” Technically it wasn’t a lie, and Maura needed to get out of this discussion. She wasn’t ready or prepared. In fact, Maura wasn’t sure she’d ever be ready to discuss what happened that day.

“Maura, please.” Jane’s voice was breaking as she took Maura’s hand. “You have to understand…”

“I’m trying to. It’s not easy.” Maura took a deep breath and started to get out of the tub. “But as you said, I’m a genius.” She wrapped a towel around herself and held out her hand. “Come on. We need to get you dry.”

Jane took Maura’s hand and her help to get out of the tub. She stood; watching as Maura carefully dried her off with infinite tenderness. Then Maura dressed the wound and finally got Jane into a button down shirt.

“I’m going to get you out to the couch, okay?” Maura asked. “You need to eat something.”

“Maura, we have to talk about this.”

“Not right now,” she replied. “You need to eat. It’s important for your strength and it also helps digest the painkillers.”

“Maura,” Jane started her pleading in earnest. “I need to know…you know…” She took a deep breath. “I love you. More than anything. You know that, right?”

Maura’s faÃ§ade crumbled a little and her face softened. She reached out a hand and brushed it against Jane’s cheek. “I know. I love you too.”

* * * * *

“I should have gone shopping,” Maura muttered, rummaging through Jane’s fridge.

“Maura, you haven’t left me since it happened. You’re forgiven if there’s no food in my fridge.” Jane looked over the back of the couch. “Come and sit with me.”

“You have to eat something. If you don’t eat something the painkillers will eat away…”

“Maura.”

Before Maura could reply, there was a sharp knock at the door. Jane immediately tried to get up, looking for her gun, but she winced in pain. She didn’t like not being able to protect Maura, and the thought that she was practically helpless was driving her out of her mind.

“Stay there,” Maura commanded.

“At least make sure you look…”

“…through the hole. I know, Jane.” Maura looked through the peephole. “It’s your mother.”

Jane groaned and her head lolled back onto the couch. “Perfect.”

“Angela,” Maura smiled, opening the door. “How is Frankie?”

“He’s doing well. Eating plenty. He wants to visit with Jane.” Angela held up some containers. “I brought gnocchi. And garlic bread.”

“Excellent. Jane needs to eat,” Maura stated.

“Hello? Jane’s right here!” In a perfect world, Jane would have waved her arms around to attract attention, but she was in too much pain to care.

“Janie.” Angela handed the containers to Maura, who went to heat them up in the kitchen. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. Maura’s taking good care of me.”

Maura glanced over sharply when she heard the “I’m fine” comment. She served the food onto a plate and took it over to Jane. “When you’re finished, I’ll get you some more painkillers.”

“Maura, sit with me.” Jane’s voice was pleading, and she rested her hand on Maura’s arm. “Get some food and come and sit with me and Ma.”

The ME nodded. “I’ll be there in a moment.”

“I still can’t believe I almost lost two children on the one day,” Angela said, sitting back on the chair. “What were you thinking, Janie!”

Maura tensed as she watched Jane. Jane’s eyes looked over the couch and Maura saw the pain in them. She felt her heart break a little and walked briskly over.

“Angela, you’re going to have to give me the recipe for this gnocchi. I’d really like to be able to make it for Jane.”

As Maura had hoped, Angela’s attention was diverted, and as she began to talk about how to make the gnocchi, Maura sat on the couch and set her plate on the coffee table. Then she tenderly moved Jane closer to her, and ran her fingers through the wavy brunette curls as Jane rested her head in Maura’s lap.

Angela watched Jane snuggle into Maura. “She loved having her hair stroked as a child. Every second of every day she was getting into scrapes, but she used to love having her hair stroked.”

“It’s sensory related,” Maura began. “The touch and the…” she paused, and glanced down at Jane. “I’m talking like Google, aren’t I?”

Jane smiled. “I love it when you talk Google. You’re cute.”

“And you sound exhausted,” Maura murmured. She looked up at Angela. “One of the side effects from the drugs in the hospital and her surgery.”

Angela nodded. “I should be getting back to Frankie and your father. It’s never safe to leave them alone in the house for too long.” She saw Maura move and put her hand out. “No, stay where you are. I’m good.”

Angela pressed a kiss to Jane’s forehead. “Love you, Janie.”

“Love you too, Ma.”

Angela squeezed Maura’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

Before she left, a thought occurred to Jane.

“Ma? What about Tommy?”

Maura felt the tension rising in Jane’s body again, and she caressed her back, willing it to go away.

“Oh, he had a job to do. He couldn’t come home. But he’ll call soon. Get some rest, Janie. You too, Maura.”

After Angela left, Jane stayed where she was, content to be close to Maura.

“You should eat your gnocchi before it gets cold,” Jane murmured, her fingers resting on Maura’s thigh.

“I will. You’re in an excellent position to serve as a…what are those things, tray tables?”

“Hey!” Jane chuckled. “You really going to make me gnocchi?”

“I’ll need to buy you groceries first, but yes, I will. I’d like to be able to cook all kinds of things you like.” Maura tenderly caressed Jane’s back as she ate. “I like to cook.”

“Good, cause I like to eat,” Jane replied, a shudder running through her body at Maura’s touch.

Maura continued eating and touching Jane at the same time. Jane closed her eyes, her fingers resting on Maura’s thigh.

“God,” Jane finally said.

“What? Are you in pain?” Maura set her bowl down.

“No…Yes, but that’s not it.”

“What’s the matter?” Maura asked.

“It…it sounds stupid.” Jane sounded defeated.

“Tell me,” Maura urged.

“I just…” She sighed. “I just want to make love with you.”

“That’s not stupid,” Maura replied gently. “I want that too.”

Jane gingerly turned on her back, looking up at Maura. “You do?”

Maura nodded. “Every day since…it happened.” Her fingers caressed Jane’s cheek. “But your doctor said no strenuous activity and making love is very strenuous. Often very strenuous, the way we do it.” She smiled as Jane blushed.

“Okay,” Jane replied. “You’re the doctor. But just one thing.”

Maura gave her help to sit up. “What’s that?”

“Kiss me. Like you did before.”

Maura didn’t reply, but pressed her lips to Jane’s. Her fingers moved around the back of Jane’s head, deepening the kiss and slipping her tongue inside Jane’s willing mouth. Jane moaned and her hands went around Maura’s waist, aching to be closer to her.

The kiss finally broke, and Maura rested her forehead against Jane’s, as they smiled at each other.

“I can’t wait to get these stitches out,” Jane murmured, her lips meeting Maura’s once more.

Part 3

Later that night, it was pitch black. And Jane lay awake. Maura was asleep on her back, but her hand was curled around Jane’s, as it usually was. Jane was used to having Maura curled up in her arms, and she didn’t like this new arrangement. But Maura was afraid she was going to hurt Jane in their sleep, so she was keeping her distance.

Jane glanced over at Maura. She could tell the other woman was awake, by the way she was breathing and her body was rigid.

“Maura?”

“Mmm?”

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

Maura continued to stare at the ceiling. “I can’t.”

“You’ve looked exhausted all day. Why can’t you sleep?”

“It’s not rational.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“Jane…”

“Maura.” Jane looked over at her. “Tell me.”

Maura continued to stare at the ceiling and her voice broke as she replied. “Every time I close my eyes I see you. I see the gun and I see you falling. And I see the blood…the blood everywhere. And I can feel it. The blood on my hands and it wasn’t stopping…” Maura’s tears were free–flowing now, unstoppable. “What would I have done, Jane? You would have left me all alone and I’m trying not to, but I hate you for being willing to do that to me!”

Jane swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked back her own tears. Then, ignoring the pain in her side, she shifted her body closer to Maura’s and put her arms around her. “Just…just listen to my voice, okay? And when you feel you can, close your eyes and let yourself fall asleep.” She tried to ignore the pain in her heart from Maura’s confession. “So, do you remember the first time I kissed you? It was after that night, that night with Hoyt. And we’d gone out and had a drink together and we went back to my apartment, which had been completely trashed. And we started cleaning up, even though it was late, and we’d both probably had at least one Bloody Mary too many. And I started bitching about how he’d given me another scar to add to his collection, and you walked over to me and your fingers touched that scar on my neck. And you told me it didn’t matter about the scars, or anything, because you thought I was the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen.” Jane smiled at the memory, her fingers caressing Maura’s arm. “And nobody had ever said that – not the way you did. At first I thought maybe you were drunk and then I looked at you and I knew. I just knew. And when I kissed you – you tasted amazing. I couldn’t believe I was finally kissing you. And touching you.”

“I remember,” Maura whispered. “You are an exceptional kisser.”

“You’re an exceptional person to kiss.” Jane pressed a kiss to the top of Maura’s head. “And I would have taken you right there, in my living room. But you said that when we made love for the first time it was not going to be after too many Bloody Mary’s. And you were right, because god, that first night. My god, Maura, touching you and kissing you and tasting you. And watching you come and listening to you pleading and begging and screaming my name. I have never been so turned on in my life. And then you touched me, and I could barely breathe. I felt like I was on fire. I’ve never, ever felt anything like that before. I certainly know I’ve never screamed before. Or begged. Or come so quickly again and again. That night is one I’m never, ever going to forget. Or the night that we challenged each other to see how many times we could make the other one come. Or…”

Jane heard Maura’s even breathing. She tightened her arms around the sleeping woman.

“I love you. And I’m sorry.”

* * * * *

The next morning, Jane awoke to find a still–slumbering Maura curled up beside her. She smiled and relaxed her bruised and aching body. It hurt to breathe, but she was not going to wake Maura. Not after finding out that the woman she loved was afraid to even close her eyes because of what Jane had done.

It was Jane’s fault. Another thing she’d screwed up. But the truth was that Jane loved Maura and she couldn’t imagine life without her.

“Jane?”

Jane looked over at the woman slowly waking up next to her. “Hey, beautiful.”

“Are you okay? You should have woken me.” Maura started to sit up.

Jane rested a hand on Maura’s arm. “Relax. I just woke up myself.”

Maura lay back down on the bed, her eyes running over Jane’s body. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I’m fine. And stop inspecting me for injuries.”

“I just…” Maura finally looked back up into Jane’s eyes. “I just wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt you during the night.”

Jane saw the worry and concern in Maura’s eyes and she instantly softened. “You didn’t.” Jane reached out and caressed Maura’s cheek. “Did you sleep okay? No nightmares?”

“I slept much better.” Maura took Jane’s hand. “Thank you.”

“I thought they might work. Those memories sure cured my nightmares.”

Maura’s hand reached out and rested just above Jane’s wound. “I should change your dressing. And get you something to eat.”

“Or you could stay here with me and we could spend the day in bed.”

Maura smiled at the hopeful sound in Jane’s voice. “And I know exactly where that would end. You with popped stitches.” She moved on the bed so that she was staring down at Jane. “I want it too, you know. Just as much as you do.” Her lips met Jane’s in a brief kiss. “But for now we’ll have to be content with kissing.”

Jane reached out and ran her thumb over Maura’s lips. “I like kissing you.”

“I like kissing you too.”

Their lips crashed together and Maura moaned as she felt Jane’s fingers skimming across her latisimus dorsi and her linae transversae. She felt the kiss deepen and realised how very quickly they could get out of control and pop the carefully constructed stitches. Damn, she hated being a genius sometimes.

“Jane,” she whispered, pulling away reluctantly.

“I know,” Jane murmured. “Dammit, I know.”

“I’m sorry,” Maura replied, kissing her quickly. “We’ll get there. We will.”

“I am counting down the days till these stitches come out.” Jane ran her fingers down Maura’s back. “Hey, why don’t you call Luke today and ask him to bring Bass and Joe home?”

Maura turned around to look at her. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to get too playful and pop…”

“If you say pop the stitches one more time…”

“Rip your stitches,” Maura finished.

Jane rolled her eyes. “I’m fine, Maura. And I miss them. I’m used to Joe sleeping on the bed and Bass lurking under my coffee table.”

“I’m not sure tortoises lurk.”

“Maura…”

“I’ll call today.” Maura got up and went into the bathroom. She returned with the first aid kit and a bowl of warm water.

“Are you going to play doctor with me?” Jane smirked.

Maura looked confused. “Jane, I am a doctor. I went to medical school and…”

“Maura.” Jane smiled at her. “It was a joke.”

“Oh.” Maura brightened a little. “Oh, you meant was I going to play doctor with you in a sexual manner.”

Jane closed her eyes momentarily. “Moving on…”

Maura began to unbutton the shirt that Jane was wearing. As she moved, her fingers would brush against Jane’s bare skin, and she concentrated on the task at hand, rather than the feel of Jane’s body. She knew that her touch was affecting Jane from the little moans that the detective was trying to cover up by muttering to herself.

Finally the shirt was undone and Maura pushed the fabric away so she could get a better look at the wound. It was covered by a gauze bandage that Maura had tenderly applied the night before, and she edged it off, wanting to cause Jane as little pain as possible.

She felt Jane’s hand on her arm and she looked up, afraid that she had done something wrong.

“Just get it off. I’m a big girl.” Jane forced a smile.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’ve got a gunshot wound in my stomach. I sort of figured there would be pain associated with it.”

“Did you think about the pain when you did it?”

The words were out of her mouth before she could think and Maura regretted them instantly. She looked back down at the bandage, trying to concentrate on that instead.

But Jane was already replying. “My pain or yours?”

Maura ignored her.

“Maura. Answer me.”

“I really need to concentrate. And every time you talk your body moves and if you can keep still I won’t hurt you as much.”

Jane narrowed her eyes. “You mean like I hurt you?”

“Jane, I meant what I said about not talking.”

“You’re avoiding the subject.”

“Because I don’t want to talk about it. Please, just stay still so I can do this.” Maura finally got the gauze off and began to gently clean the area with the warm water.

Jane said nothing, and just watched as Maura finished cleaning the wound and redressed it. When Maura walked back into the bathroom to clean up, Jane finally broke the silence.

“Am I allowed to talk now?”

“That depends on what we’re talking about.”

“Maura!”

Maura appeared around the doorway to the bathroom. “Don’t yell at me, Jane.”

“Then why won’t you give me a straight answer?”

“I already told you that I don’t want to talk about it.”

“So that’s it, we never talk about it? You’re going to stay mad at me forever?”

“I’m not…”

Jane narrowed her eyes. “You can’t say it, can you? You can’t lie.”

Maura sighed and sat on the bed next to her girlfriend. Her hand rested on Jane’s leg. “I am mad at you. I’m also scared and confused and I don’t understand all of what I’m feeling!” Her voice was shaking, and it rose higher the further she got through her sentence.

“Me either,” Jane replied, her fingers covering Maura’s. “But I don’t want to lose you because I did something st…because of what happened.”

Maura moved closer to her. “You’re not going to lose me. We’re going to work through this, you and I. It’s going to be okay, Jane.” Her fingers ran through Jane’s curls.

Jane looked up at her, worry etched in her features. “You promise?”

Maura smiled and kissed her tenderly. “I promise.”

At least, she hoped she did.

TBC