RIZZOLI & ISLES

You’re My First,

My Last,

My Everything

Sapphire Smoke – cuzimastripper

Title: You’re My First, My Last, My Everything

Author: Sapphire Smoke – cuzimastripper

Beta(s): tamswitter

Fandom: Rizzoli & Isles

Rating: PG-13 (so far – will end up being NC-17)

Pairing: Jane/Maura

Length Thus Far: 6,936 words

Summary: The first time is always the easiest to remember, but the hardest to get to.

A/N: Oops, yeah. Forgot to post this in this community lol. Anyway, first Rizzoli & Isles fic! I found there just isn’t enough ‘first time’ fics for this fandom (that I’ve seen anyway – most tend to have an already established relationship between our two girls) and since that is my writing fetish I decided to give it a shot. I’m incredibly long winded though and like to draw shit out, so this will probably be a long one lol. And I know the title is sap!fest but my creativity in titling is lacking today, haha.

PART ONE

CHAPTER ONE

First Attraction

The first time Maura looked at Jane as anything other than a friend, was at the Fourth of July picnic.

The entire Boston Police Department held the event and it was filled with good food, great games, and even better drinks. The sun beat down heavily on their shoulders as a light, yet persistent breeze washed through the trees, reminding them all that summer was in its prime. It was a beautiful day.

Maura’s sitting on a blanket that’s spread out on the crisp grass, one leg tucked underneath her while the other lay by its side, her heel on the verge of slipping off her foot entirely. She squints through her sunglasses as she sips her margarita, eyes searching the field for any sign of Jane. She was supposed to meet her there.

It has been almost an hour though and so far the brunette was a no show. Maura sighs a little, feeling the disappointment settle in her chest from her friend’s absence. After putting down her drink, she starts fishing through her purse in attempt to find her phone. Maybe something happened.

She dials Jane’s number from memory before gracefully moving her hair off her shoulder and placing the phone to her ear. Jane picks up on the first ring. “I’m almost there,” she answers without a hello.

“Did you get lost?” Maura asked, a hint of a tease behind her voice. She can almost hear Jane smile on the other end of the phone.

“There was this strange phenomenon called traffic.”

Maura smiles, cradling the phone between her shoulder and her ear while she settles her back against the tree behind her, “That does sound strange, considering no one else found themselves stuck in it but you. The traffic’s all at the waterfront right now.”

That makes Jane pause, and Maura congratulates herself on rendering her friend speechless for a moment while she calls her on her lie. “Where were you, really?” Maura asks.

The pause is longer this time, then finally: “Ma forced me into shopping. It was horrendous.”

Maura tries to stifle a laugh, but finds she can barely contain it. Jane’s mother taking her shopping always ended in Jane wearing things she normally wouldn’t be caught dead in. “Oh, I can’t wait,” she teases her.

“Shut up.”

Maura blinks as she hears an echo of that last sentence and she turns around; looking around the tree to see Jane standing there, looking like she feels very awkward in her brand new sundress. Jane narrows her eyes and points a finger warningly at Maura, “Don’t. Say. A. Word.”

But if Jane was expecting her to laugh or make fun of her, she was mistaken. In fact, the first thought that came to Maura was ‘Wow.’ The dress showed off her long, slender legs and the color even complimented her toned thighs, showing every ripple of muscle as she struggles to sit down on the blanket next to Maura without flashing the entire field. The dress hugged her curves in a very complementary fashion, accenting both her hips and the curve of her breasts. Maura found herself staring before she could help herself.

“Can you quit looking at me like I’m a freak of nature? I’ve already gotten to that page,” Jane asks, annoyance filtering through her voice.

“I’m… not,” Maura struggles to say, almost fumbling over the words. It must be the sun, because Jane looks like she’s glowing. She could very well be the most beautiful thing Maura has ever seen.

That thought makes her flush a little though, not knowing where it came from, and she averts her eyes and picks her margarita back up, trying to not make it obvious that she just checked her out. “You look nice,” she tells her, then takes a sip of her drink to try to stifle anymore stray thoughts that might feel the need to fall out of her mouth without warning.

“Very funny.”

“No, I mean it,” Maura insists, looking back over at her. But when their eyes catch, Maura suddenly feels a little strange and decides to break the eye contact again. She clears her throat, trying to get out of the awkward phase she had found herself in. “What’s the occasion?”

Jane sighs, rubbing her temples like she’s trying to stifle a forthcoming migraine. “Take a guess.” But before she allows Maura to answer she reaches out, grabbing the medical examiner’s margarita. “And give me some of that.”

Maura lets her take the glass, watching Jane swallow what’s left of the frozen cocktail like it’s a shot. “You’re going to get Spheno Palatine Gangleoneuralgia that way,” she informs her.

“What?” Jane asks, right before wincing and holding her head. “Shit, ow.”

“Brain freeze,” Maura explains, though obviously a little too late. “It’s the result of your blood vessels in your stomach constricting when put in contact with cold fluids too fast. Which is interesting, actually, because the pain is diverted from your stomach to a nerve in your head which –“

“Maura,” Jane says flatly, still holding her head in pain. “Please shut up.” She was obviously in no mood to hear any medical facts at the moment.

“Give me your thumb,” Maura tells her, holding out her hand.

“What?”

“Your thumb; give it to me,” Maura repeats as she takes Jane’s hand before guiding her thumb into her mouth. “Press and hold the roof of your mouth. The heat from your fingertip should warm the sensitive spot that can trigger it.”

“Mmfph.”

“And don’t talk,” Maura tells her with a pointed look as she holds Jane’s hand still, knowing her friend’s tendency to be stubborn. Jane’s response is the narrowing of her eyes, but she relents and lets Maura help her. They make eye contact, Maura’s hands wrapped around hers, and Maura feels her stomach do a little flip. She clears her throat again, and after thirty seconds, she let’s go of Jane’s hands. “Feel better?” she asks, averting her eyes for a moment while she picks invisible lint off of the blanket.

Jane makes a face at having to have had her own hand in her mouth and grabs a napkin to wipe it off before responding, “Yeah. Thanks.” She crumples up the napkin and throws it onto the blanket carelessly, which makes Maura make a face and daintily pick it up with two fingers before placing it in a bag she’s already designated for trash.

She’s trying to distract herself from the endless theories about her newfound reactions to Jane that are running rampant in her mind, seemingly only drawing to one, logical conclusion that Maura really doesn’t want to dwell on at the moment.

“So,” Maura starts, trying not to seem at all awkward as she gets back to the conversation prior to the brain freeze incident, “Your mother is hoping you find a man at this picnic, I take it?” Maura wishes that didn’t come out sounding so bitter. What is happening to her?

She also wishes she wasn’t becoming so aware of what’s going on. Ignorance is definitely bliss; there is no question about that after today.

Jane scoffs, adding a slight eye roll for effect. “You know my Ma; she’s always on my case about that. No matter how many times I tell her I’m not gonna date a man from work, or a man from her church, or a man who’s seen what her ‘bottom line’ is before my own –”

“Wait, what?” Maura interrupts, eyebrows rising in slight horror. “Did she try to set you up with someone she dated before her and your father got together?”

“What? No! Maura, that’s sick,” Jane responds, pulling a disgusted face. “I meant her gynecologist.” There’s a pause as she weighs that up against the previous assumption. “Not like that’s any better.”

Maura’s inclined to agree.

Jane continues her rant though, “I mean, so what if I’d rather be working than at home, raising a family? I have a hectic life because of my job and the last thing I even have time for is a man and the many ways he’ll need his ego stroked.” Jane scoffs a little at the mere thought of it and reaches into Maura’s picnic basket, taking out a grape and popping it into her mouth. “Besides,” she goes on, still chewing the grape, “she goes on and on about how I need someone to love and protect me, when frankly I got all the protection I need right here.” She pats her thigh, which makes Maura notice the distinctive bulge.

“You strapped your gun to your thigh?” Maura asks, though she shouldn’t be surprised.

Jane smirks and hikes the bottom of her dress up a little to expose her firm, supple thigh that’s holstering her weaponry. “Well where else would I keep it?”

Maura doesn’t have an answer for that, but probably because she’s staring at Jane’s thigh. Probably for a bit longer than she needed to be, too.

“Maura?” Silence. “Maura!” Jane snaps her fingers in her friend’s face, who shakes herself out of her staring contest with the curves of Jane’s legs and instead looks up her face, a bit sheepish. “You spaced out on me,” Jane tells her, amusement in her voice. “The sun getting to you?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Maura replies, deciding that the heat was more than likely affecting her sense of perception, which is causing this whole ordeal in the first place. Not that Jane is aware of the ordeal though, seeing as it seems to only being running amok in Maura’s head. “Sorry,” she apologizes, looking up at her friend and giving her a reassuring smile. “I knew I should have worn a hat or something,” she finishes, subconsciously touching her hair.

“And completely offset your entire outfit?” Jane asks, her voice higher than normal.

Maura narrows her eyes. “You’re mocking me.”

“A little,” Jane answers, a teasing grin forming on her lips. Maura purses her lips together, trying not to smile as she lightly shoves her.

“Here,” Maura says, reaching into her picnic basket to grab her a sandwich. She hands it to her and says, “I made you your favorite.”

“You spoil me,” Jane says with a grin as she grabs it, unwrapping the foil from around it before taking a bite.

“Well, you don’t want a man to do it so I guess that responsibility now lies on your friends’ shoulders,” Maura tells her with a little half smile, looking at her under her eyelashes. She then realizes how flirty that could be construed and quickly averts her eyes as she grabs her own sandwich.

Jane doesn’t notice Maura’s behavior though. She holds up her sandwich to accent her point as she says, food still her mouth, “Exactly. I don’t need a man; I have you.”

Maura wishes her stomach didn’t do a tiny flip at that sentence.

“Hey Rizzoli, what’s with the dress, you got a date after this?”

Jane’s response to Korsak’s friendly teasing was with her middle finger as she chews her food. “Eat me,” she responds after she’s swallowed.

Korsak holds up his hands in surrender. “Hey, it was only a question.” He nods at her in acknowledgement, “You look nice.”

“Ha, ha.”

“She doesn’t know how to take a compliment,” Maura tells Korsak, feeling like she needs to explain Jane’s self conscious behavior.

“Hey, I can take a compliment!” Jane protests. “I just resent being mocked.”

Korsak and Maura share a look, but neither says anything, not finding it worth it to argue. Changing the subject, Korsak tells her, “There’s a softball game starting soon. Frost wanted to me to check on the teams.”

“I’m in,” Jane says. “Maura?” she asks, looking at her.

“Yeah, I’ll play.”

“Alright, I’ll let him know,” Korsak says, but he pauses before turning to walk away. “You do look nice, Jane.”

Jane rolls her eyes. “Whatever,” she mumbles, a bit agitated.

Korsak looks at Maura again, who just shrugs helplessly before he finally turns and walks away. Jane takes another big bite of her sandwich, stuffing her mouth and looking a little irritated. Maura doesn’t say anything for awhile, and they both eat in silence. Once they both finish their sandwiches though, Maura decides to ask something that she’s been wondering ever since Jane said her mom made her wear the dress.

“Jane?”

“Mmm?” Jane acknowledges, looking up at her as she shoves her trash into the bag.

“Now, don’t get mad… but I have a question.”

“Well that’s a great opener, Maura,” Jane responds sarcastically.

“I mean it!”

Jane just sighs, once again irritation setting in. “What?”

“Your mother made you buy and wear the dress to attract a man, right? But you don’t want a man, so why are you still wearing it if it’s making you feel uncomfortable? I know you keep a spare change of clothes in your trunk.”

Jane opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out for a moment. Maura raises her eyebrows and Jane closes her mouth and begins to look increasingly uncomfortable before she snaps defensively, “It’s hot out, alright?”

“Alright,” Maura starts in a voice filled with surrender on the subject, seeing as it’s obviously a sensitive one for some reason. “I was just –”

“It’s too fucking hot for slacks,” Jane snaps again, interrupting her. “I don’t want to be analyzed.”

“I wasn’t analyzing you!” Maura hastily responds. “Why are you getting upset with me?”

“I’m not upset.”

She’s obviously upset.

Actually she’s… embarrassed? Maura notices a slight blush coloring Jane’s cheeks and her eyes widen a little. Did Jane actually dress up for someone? Who?

“Stop.”

“Stop what?” Maura asks, perplexed by the request.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“I’m not looking at you like anything, Jane. I was just looking at you,” Maura tells her, starting to get a little irritated as well at Jane just snapping at her like that over a simple question.

Jane doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t look at her either.

Maura takes a breath, trying to calm this whole situation down. “Hey, Jane? Look at me,” she says, reaching out and putting her hand on top of the brunette’s, which is resting on the blanket. Jane looks down at her hand, and then back up at her face. Maura looks her in the eyes and says sincerely, “I wasn’t trying to analyze you. If it’s too hot to wear slacks than that’s fine. And… I’m glad you wore the dress. You…” she pauses, a little hesitant of what she’s going to say next, but decides to continue being sincere and tells her, “You look really amazing right now.”

Jane looks a little shocked at how honestly that came out of Maura’s mouth, but then she makes a little face of defiance before looking down at the blanket. “It’s just a stupid dress.”

“Yeah? Well you look beautiful in that ‘stupid dress’” Maura tells her honestly, but firmly. She isn’t about to take any more back talk about it.

Jane’s silent for a moment as she looks at Maura’s hand on top of hers. When she does finally look up and meet her eyes, she gives her a little apologetic smile and mumbles, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Maura says, squeezing Jane’s hand a little before letting go of it. “Can you stop being cranky now?”

“Yeah. Sorry,” Jane says, still seeming a little uncomfortable as she tries to shrug it off. She purses her lips together before she looks out across the field. “We should probably go see what’s up with the softball game.”

Maura looks out at the field, then back at Jane. “You go. Let me clear this away and I’ll catch up,” she tells her, motioning to their little picnic area.

“You sure? I can help.”

“No, it’s fine. Really. I’ll see you out there in a minute, okay?”

Jane wrinkles her brow, but relents. “Alright,” she says, getting herself off the ground. “I’ll save you a spot on my team,” she tells her with a smile.

“You better,” Maura says, returning her smile before she watches Jane walk off in the opposite direction.

Maura sighs a little to herself, watching the sun illuminate every ridiculously attractive curve of Jane’s body as she walks away. God, she’s in so much trouble right now.

She knows how attraction works; how all of a sudden you can look at someone one way, and then the next day they’re something completely different in your eyes. It’s random and it’s spontaneous and it sure as hell isn’t planned, but it also can’t be stopped. And it’s hard, it’s so hard especially when that person is your friend; when they’re your best friend.

All Maura can hope for right now is that she’ll be able to suppress it, because even if Jane doesn’t want a man, it definitely doesn’t mean that she’ll want a woman instead.

CHAPTER TWO

First Exposure

The first time Maura saw Jane naked was during a case involving a serial killer named Jackson who was, at the moment, unfortunately interested in Maura.

Because of that, Jane insisted it was far too dangerous for Maura to stay at home. So she packed her a bag, practically threw Maura in the car, and drove her friend to her apartment. The way Jane handled it was like she was fearful that Maura would try to protest. She was very “I Jane, you victim” about it; all tough girl and protective and demanding that Maura practically stay handcuffed to her to stay safe.

Alright, she may have been exaggerating about the handcuffs. But regardless.

The minute Jane found out Maura was the target she went completely overboard on protection detail; a patrol car driving by every fifteen minutes and two policemen stationed at either entrance of the apartment building. Maura was not allowed, under any circumstances, to leave the house, let alone go to work.

Maura didn’t mind being stuck in Jane’s apartment with her. She didn’t mind her friend being overprotective of her. But what she did mind? Not working. How do they expect to solve this case without a proper medical examiner?

“Jane, neurosis is not a nice look on you,” Maura tells her flatly as Jane double bolts the lock.

Jane turns; a look of mild irritation on her face that Maura would classify her need to protect her as being neurotic. “I’m not going to let you get slaughtered, Maura.”

“I understand that, and I appreciate that; really, Jane, I do… but locking me up in a cage with you is not going to make catching this guy any faster or any easier. Do you know the statistical probability of you solving this case without me being able to look at that last body? I need to compare trace evidence, I need to see if the trauma to the last victim’s sternum is similar to the first, if there is a new kind of weapon involved. We need a pattern, Jane. We need –”

“Maura, please,” Jane says, holding up her hand to stop her midsentence, her face looking worn from age just by how tired and stressed she is over this case. “It’s been a very long day filled with disturbing and very graphic threats against you, and we both just need to try and relax, alright? I know you want to work, but I’d appreciate you also having the required amount of fear people are supposed to have in situations like this. So do me a favor and please, for one second,” she places both of her hands on Maura’s forearms, grasping with enough force to make her point as she looks her in the eyes seriously, “look very, very scared that some second–rate psychopath wants to slice and dice you.” She’s trying so hard to get the reality of the situation through Maura’s head.

Maura just looks at her indignantly. She doesn’t like being talked to like she’s an incompetent child. She’s very much aware of how serious this situation is; thank you. She can’t even hear a car alarm now without jumping halfway out of her skin.

“Please, for me?” Jane requests. “Just look a little bit scared for me?”

Maura sighs; clearly her friend doesn’t understand her point of view in all of this. She takes a breath and looks at Jane, who’s still trying to plead at her with her eyes. She’s scared too; Maura can tell just by the way she’s looking at her. “Of course I’m scared Jane,” she tells her softly, hoping that a calmer tone of voice will better convince Jane than being huffy over being locked up. She puts her hands on Jane’s, helping her remove them from her arms. She still holds them though, fingers linked together as she explains, “I’m not an idiot. But my response to fear is to solve the problem and make the object of my fear go away, not sit around and wait for someone else to do it for me while I hide in a corner and grow increasingly paranoid. That’s counterproductive.”

Jane takes a breath and pauses to contemplate Maura’s argument. Maura just looks at her expectantly, knowing Jane will have to see her point eventually, seeing as when Hoyt was a threat, the last thing Jane wanted to do was sit idly by and watch. “Fine,” Jane says finally, letting go of Maura’s hands. She instantly missed the contact. “I get that, but right now it’s late and you aren’t going to be doing this case any favors if you examine the body while exhausted.”

“I’m not –” Maura starts to protest, but is interrupted by Jane putting a finger to her lips and literally silencing her.

“Shh,” Jane tells her, making a zipping motion with her other hand. “Yes, you are. I am. So can we just… relax a little together? Please? We can have a girl’s night or…” she makes a face, clearly out of her element, “whatever it is that you call it.”

Maura looks amused and when Jane takes her fingers away from her lips she asks, “You mean a sleepover?”

“Yeah. That. You can do my hair while we talk about boys… or whatever it is that gets you off.”

Jane says that last sentence mockingly, but yet it took Maura’s brain straight to the gutter and there it sat as it made up incredibly graphic scenarios.

That’s the thing with Jane though; it can be completely serious one minute and then the next she says one thing, or moves a certain way, or just smiles at her and Maura’s back to being a lovesick puppy. It’s kind of awful, actually. Maura is eighty nine percent sure her crush will never actually amount to anything real, so she’s been trying to talk herself out of having one. It hasn’t been working as well as she had expected, however.

When Maura doesn’t respond to Jane’s suggestion, the brunette revises, “Or I can cook?”

That snaps Maura out of her inappropriate daydream and she shakes her head. “No, really, please don’t do that.” Jane was in no way the world’s best chef. “I’ll cook, if you want.”

“Not hungry,” Jane says with a shrug. Maura knows that’s a lie; she’s always hungry. She constantly says things like ‘I could eat a horse’, but then looks at Maura funny when she informs her that eating a horse in its entirety would more than likely get her very sick. “But I’m always up for some beer. You want?” Jane asks, heading towards the kitchen.

“Do you have any wine?” Maura asks, pulling a little face at the beer suggestion. She tried it once and while it was better than she would have guessed, she’s still a wine person at heart. Maura knows it was a pointless question to ask though even before Jane snorted in response. “Okay, I guess that was a stupid question, given where I am,” Maura revises.

“What do you mean by that?” Jane asks, stopping as she opens the fridge to look at Maura a little defensively.

Crap.

“Well…” Maura starts, then motions to her with her hands, hoping that explains it. While half the time she doesn’t know what could offend Jane, or other people for that matter, there are the rare times, like now, where she can become wary of what comes out of her mouth and how it can construed. People look at things a lot differently than she does most of the time.

“Well?” Crud, and there goes the arms across the chest.

“You just…” Maura starts, trying to find a way to say what she’s thinking in the most explanatory, yet nicest way possible, “you’ve situated yourself into this male role in your life with your job and the kind of attitude you have, so what I meant was that I shouldn’t be surprised that your regular beverage choices reflect that, is all.”

“Are you calling me butch?” Jane asks, halfway between laughing her ass off and being offended.

“No!” Maura insists. Well, once again her lack of knowing what’s actually appropriate to say is biting her in the butt. “That’s not… Jane, you don’t have to be ‘butch’ to find yourself in a man’s role, and I’m not implying that it’s wrong in any way. I think it’s nice that you’re protective and strong; that you know how to take care of yourself and everyone else around you. I think it’s admirable that you don’t back down and you fight for who and what you love.”

Jane looked like she was about to start protesting throughout the start of Maura’s explanation, but by the end found herself smiling a bit, despite herself. For complaining about how much men need their ego stroked, Maura realized Jane needs it just as much sometimes. She’s practically preening right now because her higher status in the food chain has just been validated. “Yeah?” she asks, this big grin on her face that makes Maura smile big too, just because Jane looks so damn happy over it.

She also just managed to say something right for once, which was a pleasant surprise.

“Yeah,” Maura tells her, shifting on the couch to cross one leg over the other. “And I think it’s wonderful when a woman doesn’t conform to society’s norms; it’s like trying to rewrite a system that’s been in place for millions of years. That takes confidence and rebellion and it’s…” sexy, but Maura stops herself before she says that and instead tugs on the bottom of her skirt a bit awkwardly.

She used to have no problems saying those types of things. Now it seems she’s second guessing everything.

“It’s what?” Jane asks, pressing that matter once she notices how quickly Maura shut herself up. She finally takes her beer out of the fridge and pops the cap off, taking a sip.

“Nothing,” Maura says, shrugging it off. “It’s just nice, is all.”

Jane gives her a teasing smirk as she walks over, then flops down on the couch next to her. “That wasn’t what you were going to say.” The way she says it makes Maura wonder if she already knows what she was going to say.

“That was about the gist of it, yes,” Maura insists, trying to feign complete innocence on the matter. She tugs on her skirt again. It’s starting to ride up.

“Nahhh, don’t think so,” Jane says, trying to act casual about it as she props her feet up on the coffee table and relaxes into the couch. But she’s got this tone in her voice that’s of complete disbelief and it kind of nags at Maura. “I think you were going to say something else.” Jane turns her head to look at her friend, this shit–eating teasing grin on her face. She knows she’s bugging her.

“Do you enjoy embarrassing me?” Maura asks, trying to sound indignant, even though she’s finding it hard to fault her. But she’s not going to let this go on like a teenager’s game of crush, so she tells her flatly, “I just thought it was sexy.” She doesn’t look at Jane when she says that though.

She’s going to end up ripping this skirt if she doesn’t quit pulling on it though.

Jane does continue to look at her though, that smirk plastered on her face as she nudges Maura with her elbow. “Is that your way of telling me you have a crush on my butchy awesomeness?”

“’Awesomeness’ isn’t a word, Jane.” A pause. “Neither is ‘butchy’, actually.”

Yeah, how’s that for avoiding the question?

Jane just chuckles though, letting the subject drop for now, which Maura is entirely thankful for because frankly, she knows she can’t lie about her crush on Jane. Not that she can lie about much already to begin with; but it’s been weeks and her crush seems to be getting progressively worse. While Maura thinks she’s handling it relatively well, it still frightens her a bit; the thought of Jane finding out. They tease and they play, sure. But it’s all games; it’s all in fun. If Jane ever found out Maura was playing for real, she’s pretty sure Jane would run in the other direction as fast as she possibly can.

“Yeah well,” Jane starts, then takes another sip of her beer. “English wasn’t my best subject in school.”

“I believe my toughest was Forensic Neuropathology.”

Jane just gives her Maura a look of disbelief before she laughs a little into her beer. Maura looks at her confused, seeing as she was just trying to share, but Jane just puts her hand on her thigh and tells her, “You’re a trip sometimes, Maura.”

If this skirt wasn’t so short, Jane’s hand being on her thigh wouldn’t be a problem. But it is, so it’s causing focus issues for Maura, who can only respond with a confused sounding:

“Thanks?”

“Hey,” Jane says, squeezing Maura’s thigh a little (which Maura tried very hard to not physically react to) before she stands up. “Will you be okay for a little while? I need to hit the shower. I feel wicked grimy; it’s not a nice feeling.”

“Yeah,” Maura says, giving her a smile and taking a breath of relief that Jane isn’t touching her like that anymore. It’s nice, don’t get her wrong. More than nice. But it’s too distracting. “I’ll just settle myself in and then maybe we can watch a movie or something after.”

“Nothing sappy,” Jane tells her, actually pointing at her in warning.

“Of course not,” Maura says with a smirk, amused by Jane’s rebellion against any and all things girly.

“Good. I’d rather not be sick tonight,” Jane replies with her signature dry sarcasm before she heads off into the bathroom.

Knowing that Jane can take an abnormally long time in the shower for someone who isn’t girly, Maura realizes she has time to call for some pizza and have it delivered right before, if not around the same time Jane actually exits the bathroom. Normally she would just cook for her, because even though Jane said she isn’t hungry she knows that’s a flat out lie, but Maura was exhausted from the day’s events and preferred something a little easier.

It’s been a hard day for both of them. While Maura will try her hardest not to outright show her fear (much like Jane, actually) she is scared. More than scared. For a serial killer to expressly threaten her… well, she knows how Jane feels about Hoyt now. Not that it’s even a comparison though, since what Jane went through with him was worse than Maura could even imagine, but she understands the fear now of being terrified of what’s behind every corner.

But Jane was right about one thing; she isn’t as scared as she probably should be, and because of that, she ended up making a very bad decision about the pizza. She feels the safest she’s felt at Jane’s house (which may be why she didn’t think about the repercussions), and it seemed like an innocent and simple enough thing. But Jane’s reaction was far from innocent or simple.

The second there was a knock on the door, Jane practically flew out of the bathroom (almost slipping and falling from being wet and dripping all over the place), gun drawn in hand and with a face of pure determination behind the slight fear that a serial killer’s on the other side of it, stark nude. It would have been hilarious if it hasn’t been so completely unexpected. “Get away from the door,” she orders Maura, advancing on the threshold herself.

But Maura can’t move. She’s just staring at her, mouth open at Jane’s unashamed display of her body, trying like hell not to notice the way droplets of water would fall from her wet hair and slide between her breasts.

Oh. Dear. Lord.

“Maura!” Jane hisses, before practically shoving her out of the way. “Get in the bedroom!”

“What? No,” Maura says as she shakes her head, realizing now what exactly is going on and how she just made of mess of things. She struggles to focus her attention on her face as she explains, “Jane, it’s just the pizza guy.”

“You ordered…?!” Jane starts in an angry and disbelief–filled whisper. “What the fuck did you do that for? You don’t know who’s on the other side of that door; Jackson could be waiting for an opportunity like this! What the hell were you thinking?! Serial killers can knock, Maura!”

“Jane, you’re nude!” Maura protests in a heated whisper, since that’s the only thing she can seem to focus on at the moment. She hopes she doesn’t try to answer the door like that.

“And you’re an idiot,” Jane snaps at her, which makes Maura automatically drawback, hurt. It was like getting punched.

Maura doesn’t say anything, though more out of fear that she may actually cry over that like some kind of child. So she backs up slowly before retreating into the bedroom, shutting the door and sitting on Jane’s bed. She puts her head in her hands and breathes slowly as one tear does finally, slowly, make its way down her cheek. She wipes it away and sniffs, trying to calm herself down. While she realizes she has no way to stop her lacrimal glands from producing a reaction, it still makes her feel childish to react that way.

If it were anyone else she probably wouldn’t be reacting this way… but it’s Jane.

Damnit, she really just made of mess of things, didn’t she? She didn’t even think about Jackson, all she thought about was Jane and how her face would light up when she realizes there’s a meat lover’s pizza waiting for her once she got out of the shower. She loves the stuff, even though Maura will remind her it’s one step closer to a heart attack which each bite she takes.

Jane’s right though; she is an idiot. Attraction usually makes people act like one though. All those chemicals sparking your brain into thinking it’s better to impress than actually think, and in the end, doesn’t everyone end up looking like a fool?

She really needs to get a hold of this crush she has. It’s obviously proving that it can put herself and the people she cares about in danger. She needs a clear head. What if it was Jackson on the other side of the door? Maura knows it’s not now; she can hear Jane speaking softly to someone and with the absence of yelling and/or sounds of gunfire.

Maura should have known better though. She should have taken two seconds to think.

It still hurt though; Jane calling her that, even if it’s true under the circumstances. It kind of cut her because Jane has never spoken to her like that before.

It takes awhile, but Jane finally does enter the bedroom, though this time in a robe that’s tied loosely at the front. Maura looks up at her, hoping her face doesn’t betray her and show her how hurt she is, but clearly it does because Jane sighs, placing her gun on the bedside table before she closes the bedroom door and leans against it. “I turned away the pizza guy. I tipped him for the trip though.”

“Fine,” Maura says flatly, trying to sound indifferent, but ends up wincing a little at the shake that comes out. She hopes there aren’t tear stains on her cheeks.

“Maura…” Jane starts regrettably, but Maura just shakes her head, not wanting to hear it.

“No, it’s fine. I understand.”

“No you don’t.”

“I think I do.”

“Maura,” Jane says firmly, grabbing her friend’s hands in hers and kneeling down in front of her to become eye level with her on the bed. “You scared the shit out of me tonight.” Her eyes search hers, like she’s desperately trying to make her understand that. “You don’t know who could have been on the other side of that door. You don’t know what could have happened if it was anyone other than the pizza guy. You don’t fucking know what it would do to me if something happened and I wasn’t able to stop it!” The last sentence is slightly hysterical, which gains Maura’s attention completely, seeing as she’s never seen Jane be that way. “And I’m sorry for calling you an idiot, that was a stupid thing to say. I was just… I was fucking scared, Maura. I just… I can’t handle that shit right now. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if something happened to you. I wouldn’t be able to fucking live with myself. Do you get that?”

Maura purses her lips together and looks down, not really knowing what to say besides, “I’m sorry.” She knows Jane was scared; the way she’s talking proves it more than anything since the only times she actively swears is either when she’s angry, terrified, or embarrassed and defensive about it. Terrified always gets the most swears per percentage of words though.

“God,” Jane mumbles under her breath, mostly to herself in relief before she takes Maura’s head in her hands and kisses her firmly on the forehead. She leaves her hands on her cheeks though, wiping away the last of her tears with her thumbs, face only inches away from Maura’s as she tells her seriously, “I care about you, okay? So please don’t try to recreationally kill yourself.”

“I wasn’t thinking,” Maura tells her softly, still feeling awfully guilty that she almost gave her best friend a heart attack. It also isn’t helping her guilt any that she keeps inappropriately picturing Jane naked from time to time, especially after something like this.

This is a disaster.

Maura groans at her predicament, pitching forward to bury her head in Jane’s neck, deciding facing the world is a no for today. She’s just done.

Jane looks a little surprised at Maura slumping into her, but she runs her fingers through her hair and then down her back before telling her, “It’s alright.”

“Not really,” Maura mumbles into her neck. “You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me,” Jane says, pushing Maura by her shoulders to have her sit up and face her.

“I think I’m going to respectively decline,” Maura tells her, moving away from her a little as she scoots further up the bed. She isn’t ready for this conversation. “I’m exhausted; do you think we can just go to sleep?”

Jane looks at her for a moment, as if trying to read her mind. But she must have not gotten anywhere with it, because a moment later she tells her softly, “Sure.” She gives her a small, reassuring smile as she climbs into bed next to her, then without any kind of warning, basically pulls Maura against her. Maura makes a little yelp of surprise, but Jane just chuckles. “Relax, I’m not going to bite.” She looks at her and shrugs a little self–consciously as she explains, “You just look like you needed a hug.”

“This is more like a snuggle, Jane,” Maura tells her, finally finding it in her to at least chuckle softly in teasing as she lays her head on Jane’s chest. She wipes at her cheek self consciously, needing to make sure they were all gone.

“Tomato, Tomahto,” Jane brushes it off, wrapping an arm around her friend. “But we’re probably going to have to find our way to opposite sides of the bed before we sleep, otherwise I’ll probably kick you.”

“Not used to sharing?” Maura teases softly, but a little distracted as she finds herself staring at the swell of Jane’s breast where her robe had fallen open a little. Jesus. Yeah. Opposite sides of the bed may be one of the better decisions of the night.

“Not used to being smothered,” Jane corrects with a smirk.

“I don’t smother!” Maura protests, looking up at her in mock offense. Jane snorts.

“Somehow, I doubt that.”

The two did eventually end up falling asleep; Maura still in her clothes and Jane still in her robe, both of them still snuggled into each other. Maura had one arm slung around Jane’s waist and the detective had Maura practically enveloped in her arms. It was definitely one of the best night sleeps Maura had ever gotten, even under the stressful and frightening circumstances.

And Jane didn’t kick her. For the record.

PART TWO

CHAPTER THREE

First Jealousy

The first time Maura found herself jealous was around Christmas.

The day started out well enough; work was slow and everyone was reviewing some cold cases. It was the downtime between the violent family fights during Thanksgiving and the awful things that somehow managed to happen at Christmas. Everyone was enjoying the breather, even if it may only last a day or a week.

“Ugh,” Jane says, making a face as she literally spits her coffee back into its cup. “Frost, are you trying to poison me?” she asks, waving the cup of offensive coffee in front of her partner.

“You asked for decaf,” Frost says, looking at her like she’s insane. “Decaf is what I got.”

“What? No,” Jane quickly denies, waving the cup again. “I don’t drink decaf!” She places (well, more like slams) the cup of coffee on her desk and some spills out of the cover and onto the surface below. She barely even acknowledges it.

“You drank decaf yesterday,” Korsak interjects from his desk, though doesn’t look up from his papers. He knows that making eye contact with an irritated Jane is asking for trouble, though still finds a way to comment every now and then.

“Only because someone had me on a stake out the night before and all we had in the car was Red Bull,” Jane informs him while shooting a look in Frost’s direction, who in turn rolls his eyes from being blamed for something that wasn’t his fault. She didn’t have to drink the Red Bull. “I was on caffeine overload. But I’d like it now.”

“Jane, you’re arguing just to argue,” Maura informs her, without even looking up from the file cabinet she was rifling through.

“Excuse me?” Jane asks defensively, looking over at her with a hand on her hip.

Maura glances over her shoulder. “When you get bored you pick fights,” she explains calmly, before turning her attention back to the file cabinet.

“I do not!”

“Yeah you do,” Korsak mutters. Jane shoots him a look.

“I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the right coffee,” Jane defends, getting up to grab some napkins to clean up the spill on her desk. At least, now that she noticed there was some dripping on the floor.

“You did ask for decaf, by the way. I heard you,” Maura tells her. Jane grumbles and wipes off the spilled beverage in a fit of annoyance. But before she can continue the argument, Maura changes the subject, “We’re still on for yoga tonight, right?” She picks out a file and looks at it; still not the one she’s looking for.

Jane blinks, hand pausing in mid–cleaning. “Tonight?” She has all the guilt of someone who’s forgotten something in her voice already.

Maura sighs, roughly replacing the file and closing the cabinet in annoyance before turning to look at Jane. She always forgets their plans. Always. “Yes, remember we talked about it last week? It’s a special class that’s being taught by Lilias Folan. She was one of the first people to encourage enthusiasts through television and home video; she’s very well known at being able to draw people to the exercise, which I think you need.” Or maybe that’s just what Maura wants, but regardless.

“Shit, Maura, I can’t tonight,” Jane tells her regrettably as she stands to throw away the now soiled napkin.

“What? Why?” Maura asks, surprised and entirely disappointed. Jane doesn’t say anything for a moment and instead looks over her shoulder to glance at Frost and Korsak, who are pretending to not be interested in the conversation.

Jane shrugs and avoids, “I just have stuff to do.”

“Jane, you promised me last week that you would go!” Maura protests, feeling ridiculously rejected for something so simple. It probably shouldn’t matter that much, but it does.

“Yeah, well, now I’m letting you know that I can’t,” Jane tells her, probably sounding more harsh than she meant to, because she finishes with a softer, “We can do it some other time.”

“She’s only doing one class in town tonight. What do you have to do that’s so important?” Maura asks, walking over to her friend and using every facial muscle she has to contort into a face that will make Jane feel guilty. It works.

“God, don’t look like that,” Jane sighs, running her fingers through her hair. She debates the pros and cons of telling Maura what was really going on in front of Korsak and Frost before she decides to go for it, just so Maura can stop looking like a lost puppy. “I have… a date,” she mumbles.

Maura’s eyes go a bit wide as a seething, unpleasant heat radiates in her abdomen. “With who?”

“Yeah Rizzoli, with who?” Korsak asks, voice a little high pitched as he mocks being one of her ‘girlfriends’.

“Is he tall? Is he handsome?” Frost interrupts, continuing the game of poking fun at Jane.

“Is he rich?” continues Korsak.

“Has he bought you flowers yet?” Frost jumps in. Maura tries very hard not to giggle and puts her hand over her mouth. At least that distracted her from the horrible feeling in her stomach for a second. It was nice to want to laugh after just feeling like you got shot through the abdomen.

“Okay, you guys can fuck off,” Jane tells them, giving them both the finger. The two men just laugh, but Korsak does stand from his desk before he nods over at Frost.

“C’mon Frost, let’s let the two ladies have some privacy. I’ve been craving pizza since half past ten anyway.”

“I’m with ya on the pizza,” Frost says, big smile on his face. He looks over at Jane and Maura, “You want us to bring any back?”

“Meat Lover’s,” Jane tells them, still a look of mild annoyance on her face from the teasing, but is appreciative enough of the offer to even it out.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Maura respectively declines. The laughter had worn off and she feels sick all of a sudden. She’s also pretty sure she knows why.

A date. Jane is going on a date. More than likely with a man who she may or may not end up making a deep, serious connection with. Well, okay, that was highly unlikely for Jane; Maura believes Jane’s too independent to every truly connect with anyone on that level, at least not at this point in her life. But this is completely unexpected. It’s been almost six months since Jane’s even entertained the possibility of a man in her life. After her announcement at the Fourth of July picnic about not wanting one, she stuck to it. But now? Who was he and what the hell makes him so special?

Crap. Maura’s starting to turn into one of the bitter, jealous people she doesn’t understand. Maura knows that the human species, like most mammals, are not meant to be monogamous, so jealousy has always been a rather silly concept. But there’s no mistaking what she’s feeling right now; logical or not.

And maybe it’s her own fault for not ever letting Jane know how she feels about her. It’s been six months and her crush has gone from uncontrollable lust to something that may even border on love. Not that Maura would call it that without ever truly being with someone though. That seems awfully pathetic; to be in love with someone who isn’t even romantically part of your life. But refusing to call it that may or may not actually change the difference; Maura has never been too sure on that matter.

But the problem is that if Maura does, finally, get up the nerve to tell Jane that she has feelings for her… everything will change. And yes, it could change in a good way; Maura would give anything right now to be able to just take Jane in her arms and kiss her with every ounce of passion she has in her, but there is also a distinct possibility that everything will change in a bad way and that it may forever ruin their friendship. That’s too important to let go of.

Maura doesn’t know if she’ll be able to withstand the feeling of her heart breaking if she sees Jane with someone else.

When Korsak and Frost leave, Maura grabs her cup of coffee, needing something in her hands to distract herself. “Who?” she asks again, blowing the steam away from her mug as she looks at Jane and focuses all her attention on not looking or sounding jealous in any way.

Jane looks kind of awkward talking about it and she shrugs, leaning against her desk. “You remember the cop from that case that we had to go up to Everett for?”

Maura’s eyes go wide in disbelief, “The one you tackled to the ground, breaking his nose? Giovani?”

“I didn’t break it!” Jane insists. “It was just a fracture.” A pause, then, “And I thought he was the suspect; he was reported wearing a police uniform as a disguise, if you’ve forgotten.” She’s getting defensive and her arms cross over her chest.

“No, I know, but…” Maura starts, then finds she doesn’t have words. What is she even supposed to say about this whole thing? She knows the right thing, the friend thing to do is support her, but it’s just hard.

“I went to the hospital to check on him,” Jane explains to her. “You know, figure out if I’m gonna get my ass sued for breaking his pretty face.” She smirks.

“And he asked you out?” Maura asks, disbelief written all over her face that she can’t seem to stop.

“Hey,” Jane says, looking disgruntled at Maura’s reaction, “Don’t look so surprised or anything. I can pull a man every now and then without your help.”

Without her help.

That instantly gives Maura an idea that she probably should have never had because a) she didn’t think very hard about the repercussions of it and b) it’s very manipulative. Yet that didn’t stop her from saying, “Well that’s… great, Jane. I’m sure he’s fantastic…” she pauses for a minute, then mumbles, “considering.”

“Considering what?” Jane asks.

“What? Nothing,” Maura says, shaking her head and smiling at her, knowing that it’s going to bug her. “I’m sure he’s great, really. I’m happy for you. Though if I knew you were ready to date I would have… well, I guess that doesn’t matter.” She smiles at her, playing it cool as she places her cup of coffee on Jane’s desk before starting to walk away.

“Maura!” Jane exclaims. “You can’t just say something like that and then walk away. Considering what? And what would you have done?” She puts her hand on Maura’s arm, spinning her around to face her. She’s not about to let her leave like that.

“Jane, it’s nothing…” Maura tells her, lightly shrugging her hand off of her arm. She really doesn’t feel like being touched by her right now.

“Maura,” Jane says flatly, seriously. She’s not kidding around about this.

Maura knows she can’t keep this up much longer because Jane will eventually lose interest in the mystery of her opinion, so she relents, “Well, I don’t want to sway you away from him because I’m sure he’s a nice guy but…”

“But what, Maura?” Impatient, as always.

Maura shrugs, trying to downplay it. “Well, it looks like he has the early signs of Neurofibromatosis,” she explains, knowing Jane won’t know what it is.

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s genetically–inherited disorder in which the nerve tissue grows tumors of all sizes all over the body,” Maura explains.

“What? I didn’t see any tumors, Maura.”

“You didn’t notice the lump on his neck?” Maura asks casually, then shrugs. “Oh. Well, I’m sure he’ll still be relatively attractive for at least another two years.” The ‘tumor’ on his neck is actually a mole that looked like it got infected somehow, but Maura’s hoping Jane doesn’t know that. It’s not lying, not really. If looked at from afar it does look like it, which is why Maura is able to do this without an insane amount of guilt.

Maura’s never been great at lying; that’s no secret. But she figures that if she tells a relatively small amount of truth (like that one time she told Jane that Jorge was in the medical field, for example) that can be construed into other things if taken a different way, she can get around it. So far it’s working out relatively well.

Jane thinks about this predicament for a minute, but then seems to remember the mole because she makes a face. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Ugh. So what, if Giovani has this disorder then they’re going to be all over his body?” Jane asks, pulling a disgusted face, seemingly picturing what exactly that can entail.

“If he has it, Jane. But like I said, I’m sure he’s a nice guy. And if you really like him and he does have them on other parts of his body I’m sure you’ll be able to look past that, right?”

“Other parts –?” Jane stumbles. “Like where?”

Maura gives her a pointed look.

“Oh, gross,” Jane says, slumping into her desk chair and looking disgusted. It takes everything Maura has in her to not look too proud at her accomplishment. Apparently she can lie a whole lot better when her heart is on the line. Jane waves her hand dismissively, “Forget it, the date’s off. What time is yoga?”

“No, Jane. You can’t just throw this guy aside because of a genetic disorder he inherited,” Maura tells her, trying to play the friend who says the right thing, though not pushing too hard since she doesn’t want to actually change Jane’s mind.

“Watch me,” Jane says, then pauses as she realizes something. She points at her, “And hey, you do that shit all the time!”

“That’s different…” Maura starts, even though she knows it’s in no way different at all.

“How exactly?”

“It just… is. Anyway, I think you should go,” Maura tries one last time, changing the focus back to Jane.

The detective shakes her head. “Maura, just tell me what time the damn yoga class is.”

Maura looks at her, giving her a little frown of disapproval before telling her, “Eight.”

“Fine. I’ll be there.”

“Jane,” Maura starts, pulling up a chair next to her friend and sitting down. There’s a part of her brain that’s screaming at her not to try the second manipulation idea that she has since she already got rid of Giovani, but yet she can’t help but tell her, “I have someone you may be interested in. I just… I never really told you because I didn’t think you were ready to date. But if you are…” she trails off purposely, letting the offer hang in the air.

“Who?” Jane asks, looking up at her curiously.

Okay, no backing out now.

“It’s just someone I work with sometimes,” Maura tells her casually, hoping her voice doesn’t betray her little white lie. She does work with the person, though more like all the time rather than just only sometimes.

“What’s he like?” Jane asks, just assuming it’s a man. Maura lets her.

“Brilliant, hard–working, a little socially awkward but in an endearing sort of way, I suppose…” Maura starts, making sure not to use any pronouns.

Jane laughs, “Maura, are you trying to set me up with the male version of you?”

No, Maura’s trying to set Jane up with herself, actually.

It’d be sort of a… test date, of sorts. Except Jane will never actually know she’s on a date with Maura unless she perceives it as one herself. When Jane’s ‘mystery date’ doesn’t show up, Maura will suggest that they shouldn’t waste the night and just spend it together. It’s the perfect scenario; no pressure and if Jane only ends up seeing it as a night out with two friends then there’s no harm, no foul. Hopefully.

It’s a risk, but Maura knows she needs to take it. She can’t spend the rest of her natural born life having feelings for Jane that she doesn’t know will ever come to anything. There is a percentage, however slim, that Jane could possibly have feelings for her. There are the subtle touches and the looks that sometimes make Maura wonder, but she’s also never really had many friends in her life, and for all she knows that could just be the kind of things that best friends do.

Regardless, she owes it to herself at least to try and explore this cautiously. She just needs to try to find a definitive answer on the subject. And if Jane is interested that’d be amazing… more than amazing, but if she’s not then she’ll have to try to work through it and try to move on. Maura’s already spent six months pining over her, and the last thing she wants is to sabotage another possible relationship for Jane just for her own selfish reasons.

“Well you get along with me, don’t you?” Maura asks, making her point. Jane purses her lips together and nods with a little shrug, relenting.

“Yeah, you got a point.”

“If you’re interested I can set it up so we can all meet for dinner tomorrow night, and once you two start to get along I can make my exit,” Maura tells her, setting the plan in place.

“And what if I don’t like him?” Jane asks.

“Then you can pretend to get sick and I’ll take you home,” Maura tells her. Jane looks at her skeptically. “Oh come on, it’s fool–proof.”

“Depends on the fool,” Jane mutters. But Maura just pokes her leg, making Jane look at her before she gives her that big grin that she knows Jane can’t resist. Jane sighs, relenting. “Fine, fine. But if he does to me what you do to your dates I’m so out of there.”

“Hey! What do I do to my dates?” Maura asks indignantly.

“You point out all of their flaws,” Jane tells her, looking at her in a way that dares her to argue. Maura knows she’s right, so she refrains from protesting. “Which, by the way, is why they never call you back. Just in case you were wondering.”

Maura wasn’t wondering, actually. She frowns a little at that revelation, but appreciates Jane’s honesty none the less. But regardless, this isn’t about Maura and her dates.

“Even if the night doesn’t go as planned, I’m sure you’ll have a great time,” Maura tells her, choosing to stray away from the topic of her disastrous dating life.

Jane rolls her eyes, “Yeah well, like I said: male–you better not tell me my breasts are lopsided or nose is off center or something.”

“Every woman has one breast bigger than the other, Jane,” Maura tells her with a look like she should have known that. “And your anterior nasal spine is very attractive for a woman of your ethnic background. Usually the thin projection of bone at the midline on the lower nasal margin would be larger, but you have seemed to have predominantly inherited traits from your mother’s side.”

Jane makes a face and rubs her nose, looking a little confused, but then says, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Maura says with a smile. She’s glad Jane at least realized that it was a compliment; sometimes she doesn’t understand her.

Jane drums her fingers on her desk, looking out the window. There’s silence for a moment before Jane turns back to Maura and asks with a look of distain, “You’re not going to try to dress me, are you? I’m not your doll.”

Maura pauses, biting her tongue before she automatically tells her that yes, she wants to. But the thing is, this isn’t like before. She isn’t just the friend anymore. If she’s interested in Jane, which she is, what she wears shouldn’t matter. And she supposes it doesn’t, since now Maura finds her attractive in anything she’s in, even her boring slacks with her dull colored tees and flats. Then again, she’d be beautiful in a trash bag, honestly.

Not that she’s going to be pushing Jane to wear that or anything though. There is a line somewhere.

So Maura smiles, shaking her head. “No Jane, you can wear whatever you’d like.”

Jane blinks. There’s a long pause, then another set of heavy blinking, before she puts her hand on Maura’s forehead. “Do you have a fever?”

“Jane…” Maura starts, giggling as she tries to move her head away from Jane’s hand. Jane doesn’t let her though. She gets up, chuckling as well as she struggles to keep her hand on Maura’s forehead.

“No, no, Maura, this is serious!” she jokes. “Maybe we should bring you to the hospital; you could be concussed or something!”

“Jane, I’m fine!” Maura protests, giggling as she swats at Jane’s hands as the brunette gets off her own chair to gain better leverage over Maura. “Stop! You’re going to make me fall!” But she’s still laughing, only half worried about that as Jane practically hovers over her, almost tipping the chair Maura’s on backwards as they swat at each other like children.

“I’ll catch you,” Jane promises with a laugh, and almost on cue the chair does fall backwards. Jane’s quick to grab Maura’s arms though, pulling her quickly into her and pressing her into the desk as the chair falls to the ground with a smash.

Maura would have to have been deaf, dumb, and blind not to have noticed the moment that passed between them just then. And for that matter, so would have Jane.

The laughter died in their throats almost instantly once Jane pressed Maura against the desk, body fitting perfectly against hers as they still has their hands on each other. They looked into each other’s eyes and Maura felt the breath catch in her throat as she sees a look she doesn’t recognize pass across Jane’s face.

The moment doesn’t last too long though, maybe only ten seconds or so, until Korsak and Frost choose that moment to walk back into the room.

“Whoa,” Korsak says, eyes wide at how intimately close Jane and Maura seem to be. “We interrupting something? Cause we can leave.”

“What?” Jane asks, stepping back immediately, the moment broken. Then she realizes what Korsak just implied and she picks up a pen and throws it at him. He ducks and it hits the door as Frost scurries out of the way of the crossfire. “Shut up, perv. I was just helping her up; the chair tipped over.”

“Hey, hey, I was just trying to be polite,” Korsak says, holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m good with giving you guys personal time.”

“Maura,” Jane says, looking at her friend and throwing up her hands, indicating she needs to help her out of becoming one of Korsak’s fantasies.

“What?” Maura asks, distracted. She just kept playing that look Jane was giving her over and over in her head before they walked in. She shakes her head, trying to clear it. “Yeah, the chair fell. She was just helping me.”

Korsak and Frost exchange a look that Jane clearly isn’t happy with, because she gives them both the finger. “Not all women are lesbians, perverts.”

“Hey, don’t involve me in this!” Frost protests, pinning the blame on Korsak.

“Sorry,” Korsak apologizes, knowing he hit a nerve with how defensive Jane is being about this. “It just looked like –”

“Look, I don’t give a crap what it looked like to you. Maura’s my friend, alright?” she points to him in warning and Maura’s eyes go a bit wide. Jane’s actually angry about this. “Just because I can tackle a guy to the ground and don’t dress like a fucking Barbie, doesn’t make me gay.”

“I didn’t –” Korsak tries, obviously feeling bad that he upset Jane, but she doesn’t give him the chance to finish.

“Forget it, I’m outta here. Maura, pick me up at seven thirty,” she tells her, voice filled with annoyance before she walks out the door, slamming it behind her.

Maura just stares after her, trying to deal with her conflicting feelings. On one hand, Maura’s glad Jane still wants to go to yoga with her, but on the other, the defensive and angry reaction at being assumed gay is making her heart feel like it’s crushing into tiny little pieces.

Maybe she should just call off the date, because if that wasn’t a big, flashing, neon sign of ‘Jane’s not interested’, she doesn’t know what is.

CHAPTER FOUR

First Outing

The first time Maura was outed as being bisexual was on her “date” with Jane the next night. However, Jane didn’t exactly know it was a date with Maura. At least, not at first.

After Jane getting angry over Korsak assuming there was something going on between her and Maura, the ME was very close to cancelling the whole thing all together. She was devastated over Jane’s reaction; like somehow she thought being gay was something horrible. But that confused her, because Jane had never expressed a negative opinion about gays in the past. During one case involving a lesbian being murdered they even hypothesized over what kind of women they would like, if they liked women. Maura had never, ever gotten the impression that Jane was homophobic, and maybe that’s what shocked her so much.

Jane explained after yoga that night though. They were in the car and Jane seemed much more relaxed, so Maura decided to venture into that topic of discussion. Jane got defensive at first, of course, but eventually she sighed, ran her fingers through her hair before rubbing her forehead, and reluctantly told her that it’s been a sore spot since her childhood. She was called a dyke all through high school because of the way she dressed and because she played sports just as good as the guys. People were absolutely horrible to her about it and so she gets angry and defensive whenever people assume she’s gay just because of the way she looks or acts. She doesn’t want to be stereotyped, because that’s “bullshit.”

Jane’s words, not Maura’s.

Then Jane apologized to Maura in case she “somehow hurt her feelings.” Maura blinked in surprise at that one, not expecting it. Jane went on to tell her that she wasn’t being defensive about Korsak thinking she was with Maura, because – and Maura will quote this in her head for the rest of her natural born life – “Frankly, if I was gonna flip for anyone, it’d definitely be you. You can at least stand me and don’t want me to quit my job.” That’s what Jane said, word for word, complete with a rib nudge and a teasing wink before she exited the car, telling her she’d see her tomorrow.

Maura sat there for a good five minutes after that revelation. One on hand, she knows Jane’s just teasing, but she can’t help but think that there is a bit of seriousness laced into that. And if Jane is willing to admit she’d trade teams for Maura, maybe there’s more hope than she thought. Okay, Jane is still very adamant on being straight, but baby steps.

Like this date.

This date was almost a double edged sword though. On one hand, it could turn out that maybe they do, after all, have some sort of chance at being together. But the problem is, Maura has been feeling awfully guilty about how she even got this chance in the first place. She’s never been a manipulative person. She’s never been such a selfish person. Sure, she grew up as an only child, but she never once screwed someone over just so she could get what she wanted.

And that’s exactly what she did to get this date; this chance. She screwed Jane out of a chance to maybe find someone that she really connects with.

But Maura rationalizes it as ‘there’s no turning back now’ and ‘what’s done is done’, and when she shows up at Jane’s apartment, it only takes two seconds after Jane opens the door to groan, “Jesus, Maura.”

“What?” Maura asks confused, not expecting to be greeted that way. Jane motions at her outfit.

“Do you seriously have to do this all the time?”

“Do what?” Maura asks, still oblivious to the problem at hand. Jane looks at her in a ‘duh’ sort of manner and grabs her original Marc Jacobs coat and tugs on it a bit before letting it go as she tries to make her point.

“Dress like that,” Jane explains, disgruntled. “This dude ain’t even gonna take one look at me because he’s gonna be staring at all your bling–bling and trying to see how high your skirt rides up when you sit down.”

“Bling… what?” Maura asks, confused. She’s never read about any ‘bling–bling’ in her high fashion magazines.

“It’s…” Jane starts, but then shakes her head. “Nevermind. I’ll point it out for you one day when we’re in South Boston.”

Well. That sounded very… ethnic. Maura’s now wondering if she missed some kind of fashion statement when Jane interrupts her train of thought. “Look, can you just… I dunno, ugly yourself down a little?”

“Excuse me?” Maura asks, putting her hands on her hips. “Jane, I’m not going to make myself uglier just so you can feel prettier. You’re already the gorgeous one out of the two of us.” She says it so factually, because that’s what it is to her; a fact. But Jane thinks she’s just trying to make her feel better.

“I knew you were lyin’ when you said you couldn’t lie,” Jane tells her with a point of her finger and a smirk as she grabs her own coat.

“What? I’m not. I don’t lie,” Maura tells her. Then she makes a face as she revises that, “Okay, I can bend the truth, but can’t straight out lie, at least not well. And just so you know, I wasn’t bending the truth when I told you that you’re more pleasing to look at than myself.”

“Then you must have hit yourself in the head with one of your high heels, Fashionista,” Jane tells her as she puts on her coat and starts to walk past Maura, making her take a couple steps back out the door so Jane doesn’t close it on her. “C’mon, don’t wanna be late for my mystery man,” she tells her with a smirk before heading down the hallway to the stairs.

Once they got to the restaurant, they went straight to the bar where Maura said they would be meeting Jane’s date. Maura ordered a martini and Jane ordered a beer and as they waited, Jane grilled Maura for information. “So what’s he look like?”

Maura shrugs lightly, taking a sip of her cocktail, trying to ignore the burning feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach. “You know… average height, slim but not stick–like – I know you don’t like that – um, light brown hair, brown eyes…” she rattles off.

Jane chuckles in her drink, “Damn Maura, this guy really is the male you. You don’t got a twin you’ve been stashing anywhere, do you?” A pause, “Or a clone?”

Maura laughs because the possibility is so ridiculous. “I didn’t clone myself and make it male, Jane. Scientifically that isn’t possible yet.”

“Hey, with you I never know,” Jane says with a smirk. She looks around the bar, probably trying to spot said person. “So what’s his name?”

That’s when Maura finally freezes. She’s gotten away with letting Jane assume some things and bending the truth a little, but this is one question she can’t get around without straight out lying… and she’s awful at that. Jane turns back to look at her expectantly, then furrows her eyebrows at the look on her friend’s face. “Maura?” she asks, worried by how completely terrified she looks.

“Uh, M…ichael?” Maura tries, then cringes because it sounds exactly like the blatant lie that it is. The guilt starts to pile up more; the guilt that she seriously just lied to her best friend after everything else, and she’s starting to feel sick. God, she can’t do this. She’s already done enough awful things to Jane over this stupid crush and she just can’t anymore. She needs to get out of there, fast. “Uh, I need to… bathroom. I’ll… be back, excuse me,” Maura stumbles as she gets out of her chair and practically runs to the bathroom. Well, as much as one can run in three inch heels.

God, she has no idea how she’s going to get out of this one. She’s dug her hole way too deep. She’s going to have to end up telling Jane the truth… and that terrifies her.

“Maura!” Jane calls after her, but the ME doesn’t stop. Jane sighs heavily and gets up, following her into the lavatory.

Maura looks over as she sees Jane enter and she bites her bottom lip, turning to look back in the mirror over the sink. She’s not going to be able to get away with this. This is a disaster. This was such a bad idea. Why did she think she could outright lie? She’s completely awful at it. Stuff like this just eats away at her until she can’t handle it anymore, that’s why she used to never even try to lie. Why did she think this would be any different?

Maura looks back down at the sink, not being able to even face herself in the mirror. She feels like such a horrible person right now.

“Maura, what’s going on?” Jane asks, sounding really worried as she leans against the sink to look at Maura, who’s looking a bit pale. “You look like you’re about to be sick.”

Maura can’t take it anymore.

“There isn’t any guy!” Maura bursts out before she can stop herself. The guiltiest look crosses her face before she can cover it with her hands, wishing she could just disappear, and already knowing Jane’s reaction before it’s spoken:

“What?”

“The guy; I made him up,” Maura mumbles into her hands, refusing to look at her because she doesn’t even feel like she has the right to anymore. “I lied to you; I’m so, so sorry, Jane.” She’s calculated about one hundred and twenty seven ways this revelation can go wrong and only about twenty four in which it can go right, so she’s really hating those odds right now. But she can’t keep lying; it’s not fair to Jane and it’s clearly tearing Maura apart because she doesn’t like being this kind of person. It’s not who she is.

“Wait, wha –?” Jane starts, sounding really confused, then stops as she reaches up to move Maura’s hands away from her face so she can look at her. It takes Maura a moment, but she does finally gather the strength to look at her; she knows Jane deserves that much, if she wants it. “Why would you do that?”

“I needed a practice date,” Maura tells her, looking positively distraught; voice filled with regret. “I just… I thought that maybe if we… I don’t know, then it’d be easier when I…” she’s not making full sentences and it’s confusing Jane even more. “God, I’m so sorry Jane…” her voice hitches in her throat.

“Wait, Maura, I’m confused,” Jane says, shaking her head as she tries to make sense of what exactly is going on. She takes one of Maura’s hands and spins her around to face her completely; maybe hoping it’ll make more sense if she can talk to her face to face. Maura slumps against the sink, the guilt feeling like a deadweight in her stomach. Her lips are turned down in a frown and she looks like she’s trying not to cry and is losing the battle fairly quickly. Jane takes a breath, willing patience since she knows how Maura can get what she’s upset and tries again calmly, “Why do you need a practice date? Maura, you go on more dates than me already. Who are you trying to practice for?”

Maura knows that the word “you” is about half a second from falling from her lips, so instead, in a fit of insane fear that she’s about to bare her heart to Jane and have it thrown back in her face, she bursts out with, “I’m bisexual, Jane!” It was the lesser of two evils, but even revealing that still carried a lot of fear behind it.

It was strange though, because the second after it came out of her mouth, Maura felt like some huge weight was lifted off of her shoulders. She realized that in six months she had never actually voiced it out loud to anyone. Ever. And Jesus, that was a huge secret to keep.

Not that the huge weight being lifted diminished her fear any of Jane not accepting her sexuality though. Maura found herself holding her breath, waiting for Jane’s reaction, which seemed to take forever.

“Oh,” Jane says finally, flatly, blinking as that sinks in. “Oh,” she exclaims as she finally gets it.

“Oh’s” don’t help Maura any though. She still has no idea what Jane’s thinking and she’s about to just break down from the emotional stress this is having on her. Now she knows why it takes forever for most homosexuals to come out to people; this is probably the most stressful thing she’s ever had to do: to not know if she’s going to be accepted for who she is, or end up losing a friend over it.

Finally Jane has some kind of helpful reaction, and she ends up smiling at Maura sympathetically as she notices the look on her face; the one where she looks like she’s about to have some sort of mental breakdown. “Aw, c’mon Maura, don’t cry,” she says with a little laugh, trying to lighten the mood and let her know she’s worrying for nothing as she wipes away the first tear that falls down Maura’s cheek. “It ain’t like it’s a bad thing,” she reassures her. “So please stop looking like you just told me you were gonna die.”

But Maura can’t take all of the emotions that she’s feeling inside of her and she chokes back a sob, putting her hands over her mouth. Jane doesn’t spare a second as she gathers Maura up in a hug, trying to let her know that she’s not about to go anywhere, and Maura can’t take it; she starts bawling all over Jane’s shoulder. It’s loud, it’s messy, and yet it doesn’t matter because Maura is so relieved right now that she can’t even form words at the moment; she can only feel.

Jane runs her fingers through Maura’s hair as she tries to sooth her. “Were you trying to practice on me so you’d know what to do when you finally do go on a date with a woman?” she asks, like it’s the most adorable thing she’s ever heard in her life.

Maura mumbles something inaudible into Jane’s shoulder as she cries.

“Shh,” Jane hushes. “Maura, c’mon, it’s okay if you like women.” She holds her friend for a moment as she strokes her back, trying to calm her down. It takes a little while, but Maura’s sobs finally diminish into slight sniffling.

“I’m sorry I lied,” Maura mumbles into her shoulder, still feeling awful about that.

Jane lets go of Maura and the ME draws back, cheeks stained from crying. Jane gives her another sympathetic smile and wipes away the last of her tears. It breaks Maura’s heart a little because while she knows now that Jane’s okay with her revelation, she also knows every touch that they give each other means more to her than it does to Jane. “Why didn’t you just tell me?” Jane asks softly.

“I didn’t know how you’d react,” Maura mumbles, looking down and pulling away a little, ashamed.

“Maura, I’m your best friend,” Jane tells her pointedly. “I ain’t gonna run screaming just because you play for both teams now.” Maura just shrugs self–consciously and Jane smiles at her, taking her hands and making her look her in the eye. “Hey,” she prods gently, nudging her a little, “get yourself cleaned up. We got a date to go on.”

“What?” Maura asks, confused. Then she shakes her head erratically as she realizes, “No, Jane, really, you don’t have to…”

“You wanted a practice date and you’re going to have one,” Jane tells her firmly, trying the best she can to make this tough time a little easier for Maura. “Besides, if you can’t practice on me, who can you practice on? We could put Frost in a dress, but somehow I don’t think that’d be the same.”

Even with all the overwhelming emotions she’s been feeling, Maura can’t help but burst out with a laugh at that and Jane joins in, both amused by that mental image. Jane nudges her with her shoulder and says again, “C’mon, fix your makeup. Ain’t ever had a date cry and I’m not planning to start now.” Maura bites her bottom lip, feeling a little shy all of a sudden, but Jane smiles at her as she starts to walk out of the bathroom. “I’ll meet you out there, okay?” She wasn’t going to take no for an answer, but then again, that’s Jane for you.

“Okay,” Maura says softly as she watches Jane walk out the bathroom door. Maura takes a breath and looks at herself in the mirror. Her eyeliner is smeared down her cheeks and she grabs a paper towel and wets it before trying to make herself look presentable again.

It’s stuff like this that makes Maura love Jane more. Jane always tries to act like such a tough guy, but deep down she’s really sweet, and this is proof. For her to seriously go on a “practice date” with Maura just to help her figure out her place in the lesbian side of things is a testament to how great of a friend she really is. And yes, maybe Jane doesn’t realize that Maura’s going on this date to see if it’ll ever really work between the two of them, but it doesn’t matter.

God, it makes her nervous now though. Maura fiddles with her hair and smoothes out her dress, hoping she looks alright. It’s different now that Jane knows. And maybe it doesn’t really “count” since it’s supposed to be for practice for someone else, but it feels like it counts to Maura.

She’s going on a date with Jane.

Maura smiles big as a warm sensation fills her abdomen; the butterflies in the pit of her stomach are going haywire, but she’s happy. Jesus, she’s more than happy actually. She’s bordering on elated at this point. Her coming out didn’t end up being the worst thing in the world like she feared, and that felt amazing. Surreal.

“Okay Isles, don’t say anything stupid,” she tells herself in the mirror before she smoothes out her outfit one last time. She then exits the bathroom, smile still in place as she walks back over to the bar where Jane is waiting for her.

Jane grins when she sees her, and as Maura walks over, she stands up, pulling out the bar stool for her. “Jane, you don’t have to do that,” Maura says, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. She flushes a little.

“Oh c’mon Maura, face it; if we’re going on a date, I’d be the guy,” Jane tells her with a smirk as she motions for Maura to sit down. Maura locks eyes with her for a minute before she slides into the chair, secretly pleased that Jane was such a gentleman… er, gentlewoman to her.

“You know, you say you don’t want to be stereotyped and yet you’re stereotyping yourself,” Maura informs her as Jane slides back into her own chair.

“Okay,” Jane says as she holds up her beer to accent her point, “Rule one while dating; don’t diagnose or analyze your date. I’m pretty sure we’ve been over this one,” she teases lightly, yet seriously enough to let Maura know that that’s really something she should refrain from doing.

“Sorry,” Maura apologizes, flushing in embarrassment again. Jane looks at her, amused.

“Don’t get embarrassed, Maura. It’s just me.” The way Jane says it makes Maura feel silly for acting this way.

“I know, sorry, I just… this is new for me. You really don’t have to do this, you know, I’m sure I can figure it out if –”

Jane puts her hand on Maura’s that’s on the bar, stopping her mid–sentence. Maura purses her lips and looks at their hands and then at Jane as she tells her, “Stop. I told you I wanted to do this. That’s what friends, do right? Help?”

“Yeah, I guess. But…”

“No but’s. I’m your date for the night; end of discussion.”

Maura smiles a little shyly and nods, “Alright.”

“Good,” Jane says, letting go of Maura’s hand before she takes a swig of her beer. There’s silence for a moment and Maura watches Jane start to look a little confused by whatever she’s thinking about. Finally she asks, “So what do lesbians do on dates?”

“Jane!” Maura exclaims, becoming quickly mortified again.

“What? I don’t know,” Jane tells her with a chuckle. Maura groans and puts her head in her hands. This was so a bad idea. “Oh c’mon, don’t get like that,” Jane says, laughing a little at Maura’s embarrassment. Maura doesn’t say anything for awhile, and once Jane realizes that she’s not planning on saying anything at all she tries something else, “Hey, let’s get outta here. This place is too fancy for our first date,” she smirks at Maura and taps her thigh a couple times, making Maura look up from her hands, confused. “Don’t wanna make me feel inadequate, right? There’s a bar next door with some pool tables. Wanna play?”

Maura doesn’t really see how this place is too fancy or how it’ll make Jane feel inadequate, but doesn’t comment on that. She’s sure that’ll end up becoming a long debate that will end up getting nowhere fast. “I’m awful at billiards,” she tells her, because she really, really is.

“Excellent. I can teach you something for once. Come on,” she says, getting up off her seat and grabbing Maura’s hand before she pulls her out of the restaurant, into the other bar, and over to the nearest pool table, not giving her a chance to protest.

“Alright,” Jane starts, grabbing two sticks and handing one to Maura. “I assume you know how to play.” She starts setting up the balls in the rack, rolling them back and forth before setting them in a perfect triangle.

Maura fiddles with the stick between her fingers as she watches Jane bend over the table, cleavage spilling out of her shirt. “What?” she asks, distracted. Jane looks up at her and Maura’s eyes automatically snap back to her face, hoping she didn’t just get caught.

No such luck.

“Were you just checkin’ me out?” Jane asks, amused.

“What? I… uh, it’s just –your shirt… it… hangs,” Maura stumbles, flustered. God, this date is just one embarrassment after another. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes, feeling mortified.

“Maura, if you keep blushing like that you’re not gonna have enough blood for the rest of your body,” Jane teases. “Relax, okay? You’re not the first woman to check me out. It’s not weird for me, so it shouldn’t be weird for you.”

“No, I know. I just… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –”

“Maura,” Jane says seriously, though is obviously still a little amused by the predicament. She comes over to her, wrapping an arm around Maura’s shoulders. “It’s cool, okay? Hell, you checkin’ me out kinda validates my hotness.” Maura laughs at the little pose Jane makes as she says that, which is about the equivalent of a bad runway show and the MySpace ‘duck face’. Jane chuckles along with Maura, glad she got the reaction she was aiming for, before letting her know, “I ain’t offended, alright? I was just teasing you. Trust me, I know that when I check out a guy it doesn’t automatically mean I wanna jump in the sack with them, so chill and let’s play some pool.”

“Sorry,” Maura mumbles again. Jane just laughs and rolls her eyes.

“Shut up, c’mon. Lemme show you how to break these puppies,” Jane says, pulling Maura over to the other side of the pool table. “Here,” she says, placing herself behind Maura and putting her hands over hers, positioning the stick for her. “Line it up with the first ball, that way when you break it you have a better chance of getting more than one in on your first shot.”

This isn’t helping Maura’s embarrassment in any way. Jane is pressed so tightly against her that Maura can feel her breasts on her back. Jane’s hands on hers are making every sensory nerve in her body go completely haywire and she flushes again, pretty sure that now since Jane knows she’s into women that she has to know that this is doing something for her.

This was not supposed to be how this date goes. Jane was supposed to be oblivious.

But Jane doesn’t do or say anything that indicates she knows what she’s doing to Maura and instead tries to get her focus on pool. “Okay, good, now we’re lined up. Now pull it back just like this,” she moves the stick back from the cue ball with Maura’s hand, “And hit it right where you lined it up.” She moves the stick forward fast with Maura and it hits the cue ball, which goes rolling down the table to break the pool balls in perfect form. Three go in.

“Oh, we did it!” Maura gasps, excited. “I usually make the white one fall on the floor.” Jane smiles as she steps away from her.

“See?” Jane says with a grin. “Now watch a pro,” she tells her as she steps over to the other side, lines up her stick with the cue ball and shoots… getting two in at once.

“I still couldn’t do that even if I tried,” Maura says, frowning.

“Sure you can; you just gotta practice,” Jane tells her. She motions her over, “C’mere, I’ll help ya line up your next shot.”

And that’s how the rest of the “date” went; Jane teaching Maura to play pool and both of them drinking, laughing, and having a good time. Jane would still lightly tease Maura, and Maura was pretty sure by the end of the evening that Jane was only doing it just to get her to blush. When the time came for the bar to close, Jane decided they should probably walk home, seeing as they had way too much to drink and her apartment was only a couple blocks away. There was the unspoken request for Maura to stay the night, and Maura was quick to accept it.

They stumbled up the stairs, giggling as they fall into each other. Jane’s trying to shush her through her laughing, but when Maura loses a heel she roars loudly before clapping her hands over her mouth and making an ‘oops’ face. They are so about to wake her neighbors. “Come on,” she whispers to her, still giggling as she pulls Maura to the door after she’s grabbed her shoe. It takes her a minute, but Jane finally figures out how to get her key in the lock successfully, and the two pretty much fall into her apartment.

“Oh my god, I’m wicked drunk,” Jane exclaims, like it’s some kind of new revelation she’s having just now. Maura snorts, finding that ridiculously hilarious. “Shut up!” Jane exclaims, giggling as she pushes Maura back a little, who almost loses her footing. Jane realizes though and grabs her hand as she almost falls, pulling her into her. “Shit, sorry,” she apologizes, laughing.

“Bed,” Maura tells her, knowing that they are far past the level of intoxication that they should be awake during. Only bad things can come at this stage, like falling down and breaking something.

“Good idea,” Jane affirms, grabbing Maura’s hand as she leads her into the bedroom. She flops down on her bed in all her clothes, not even bothering turning on the light since it’s doubtful she’s going to get up again. Maura flops in next to her, kicking off her heels and wishing she brought some PJs, but realizing she’s probably too drunk to even undress herself right now anyway.

“I can’t believe we got this trashed,” Jane mumbles, rolling over to lay her head on Maura’s stomach. “But,” she starts, rather dramatically, swirling her finger in the air. “I am the best lesbian date ever.”

“Oh my god, you are so conceited!” Maura exclaims, laughing.

“Don’t deny it; I’d make a fucking fantastic lesbian,” Jane slurs, moving her head a little so she can look at Maura, though does so with only one eye as she squints.

“Yeah… you would,” Maura says softly, feeling a little crappy all of a sudden as she looks across at the bedroom wall. What a downer after a great first date; the fact that your date isn’t really into you. Maura had almost forgotten that through her drunken haze, but she remembers it now all too vividly.

“What?” Jane asks, sensing something’s wrong. She rolls around to lie on her side, facing her friend before she pokes her in the stomach. Maura giggles automatically; that tickled. Jane grins. “C’mon, don’t become one of those depressing drunks.”

“I’m not!” Maura protests, but Jane apparently doesn’t believe her because she comes at her with a full force tickle attack. Maura squeals as she laughs, trying to get away from her. “Jane! Stop!” But Jane’s just laughing, pinning Maura down with one hand and half her body while her other hand tickles every part of her that she can reach. Maura squirms, protesting loudly though her giggles. “Please! Please stop, Jane! Come on!”

Jane does eventually stop and collapses next to her, yet half on top of her, as her laughter dies down. Maura swats at her arm in retaliation, but not hard. It just makes Jane chuckle. The two women are silent for a little while, just enjoying the feeling of being next to her. Finally, Maura decides to be bold for once in her life and turns, hovering over her friend. “Jane?” she asks softly.

“Mmm?” Jane mumbles, opening one eye to look at her.

Maura takes a small breath, then leans down and kisses her softly on the lips. Just once, and it was quick, but it was enough to portray what she was feeling right then. “Thank you for being my practice date,” she whispers, then smiles softly. “It was a lot of fun.”

Jane looks a little taken aback by the chaste kiss, but then has a smile that matches Maura’s. “Anytime,” she whispers back. They look into each other’s eyes for a second and Maura has the urge to lean down again and capture her lips again, but she knows that’d be pushing it, and probably taking advantage of Jane when she’s drunk. So instead she kisses her on the cheek before lying down, her head on Jane’s chest.

They both quickly drift off to sleep, each with smiles on their faces.

PART THREE

CHAPTER FIVE

First Admission

The first time Maura tried to tell Jane she had feelings for her was about a week later, after a shopping trip.

“I can’t believe you just bought that without even trying it on,” Maura tells her friend, who’s holding up a red and white colored dress with two of her fingers, looking at it in distain before throwing it on her couch carelessly.

“I can’t believe you made me buy a dress in the first place,” Jane tells her, throwing one last look at the offending object before Maura makes a face of disapproval and picks it up, smoothing it out so it doesn’t get wrinkled. Jane has never known how to treat clothing properly.

“You need a dress for the Christmas party, Jane,” Maura tells her, like that should be common knowledge by now.

“I have dresses! …Unfortunately.” The last word was muttered in distaste as she once again looks at the object in Maura’s hands like it’s ruining her life just by existing. Maura’s pretty sure if Jane could set fire to things with her eyes, the dress would already be a pile of ash.

“Nothing Christmasy,” Maura tells her. “Now come on, you’re trying this on. I don’t want you to try to get out of this at the last moment by saying it doesn’t fit or something.”

“Mauraaaa,” Jane whines, which makes Maura roll her eyes. It’s like trying to dress a two year old, seriously. “It’s not like I have anyone to impress there; it’s a freakin’ office party.”

“One that you’ll look nice at,” Maura tells her with a smile, holding up the dress and doing a cute little dance with it to try to sway Jane by being adorable. It works. Slightly.

Jane makes a little sound of defiance, but relents, “Fine”, knowing Maura isn’t going to give it up until she gets her way. She grabs the dress out of her friend’s hands. “But if I end up looking like Holiday Barbie, just do me a favor and shoot me in the face please.”

“Well I wouldn’t want to do that, Jane. Then I’d have no one to talk to,” Maura says, trying her best to sound innocently serious. It makes Jane pause for a second until it clicks that Maura was being sarcastic and she smirks.

“You could always talk to yourself.”

“I do that enough already.”

Jane chuckles, “Yeah, I know. I’ve heard you carry on whole conversations with yourself.” She’s trying to change the subject and Maura can tell. She looks at her pointedly and motions to the dress.

“Besides,” Maura tells her as she gives Jane a little push towards the bedroom. Jane makes another grumpy sound of protest. “Holiday Barbie is blonde; you’re a brunette.”

“Technicality,” Jane scoffs as she heads into the bedroom, but not before lifting her shirt up over her head and tossing it onto the ground in front of the door. It was probably another act of defiance; Jane making Maura pick up her clothing just because she’s being pouty about having to try on a dress. But to Maura the way it looked seemed almost a little flirty, especially because Jane glanced over her shoulder and gave her a smirk before retreating into her room.

Jane’s been doing a lot of things that could be construed as flirty lately, though. Maura isn’t entirely sure if she’s doing these things just to get a rise out of her or because she really means it, but either way, there has been some definite light flirting. Maybe Jane’s just playing with her because she now knows that she’s bisexual. That’d be a really messed up thing to do though, since it’s wrong to tease someone you have no interest in just to see how they’ll react. But Maura’s too afraid to actually approach the subject in conversation, so she lets it go.

“Maura!” comes a holler from the bedroom. “I can’t zip this stupid thing up!” Maura hears a bang.

The medical examiner rolls her eyes, giggling to herself as she walks into Jane’s bedroom, picking up the shirt the brunette had thrown along the way. She tosses the item of clothing on the bed as she walks over to Jane, trying like hell not to laugh at how funny she looks right now. Her dress is unzipped almost all the way in the back and Jane’s arms are kind of flailing around behind her, trying to reach it.

“Jane, Jane,” Maura tries, laughing softly. “Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself. Let me do it.”

“This is complete bullshit,” Jane mutters, clearly annoyed by the dress winning this round. She folds her arms across her chest and huffs. Maura smirks.

“It’s just a dress, it’s not the end of the world,” Maura tells her, just as she would speak to an irate child, as she puts one hand on Jane’s hip as the other easily closes the zipper, but only about half way. “Suck it in,” she instructs Jane. Maura then hears her mock ‘suck it in’ in a winey tone under her breath, shaking her head a little like a defiant teenager. Maura pinches her.

“Ow! Christ, Maura!”

Maura smirks, refraining from apologizing since she wouldn’t really mean it. Instead she informs her, “Did you know that sucking in your abdomen can help aid your posture and abdominals as well as creating the illusion that 3% of your body weight is lost, on average?”

“Did you know that 48% of statistics are made up on the spot?” Jane counters.

Maura narrows her eyes. “Very funny.”

“I thought so.”

“You’re posture is horrific, Jane. The way you sit, especially, puts too much pressure on your thoracolumbar fascia,” she tells her, moving her hand to pin point the muscle she’s describing to Jane. When she puts pressure on said muscle, Jane winces. “See?” Maura says, frowning at her. “You need to sit up straighter.”

“Whatever. I’ll work on my… thorcolumbus face–thing, okay? Just… zip up the damn dress please,” Jane requests, sounding a little peeved. But she sucks it in, allowing Maura to close the dress with ease.

She fidgets. “This is so uncomfortable.”

“Oh, stop it. Here; turn around. Let me see you,” Maura encourages with a smile, putting her hands lightly on Jane’s arms to spin her around. Jane reluctantly moves and when she’s facing Maura she fidgets again, pulling on the dress, uncomfortable.

“If I lift my arms my tits are gonna bust outta this thing,” Jane complains.

“Then don’t lift your arms,” Maura tells her softly, clearly distracted as her eyes roam every inch of Jane’s body. The dress was definitely a good choice; it hugged every dip and accented every curve and god damn her breasts did look beautiful in it. She unconsciously let one of her hands fall from Jane’s arm to trace the dip in her waist. God, how much she would give just to drop to her knees and kiss that spot.

“Maura,” Jane says flatly. No response. “Maura!” she exclaims, snapping her fingers in her friends face. Maura shakes herself out of her silent appreciation and looks at Jane in annoyance at being snapped at. “You’re spacing out on me. Look at this!” she tells her, right before she lifts up her arms to try and prove her point, still annoyed.

Maura rolls her eyes. “Your nipples don’t show, you’re fine.”

“Oh, really, my nipples don’t show?” Jane asks, all attitude before she roughly pulls the top of the dress down to actually show Maura her nipples. “There. Now can I not wear this?” she asks.

“Jane!” Maura exclaims, coving her eyes, trying to be polite. “Flashing me was completely unnecessary!”

“I look like an idiot in this thing!” Jane protests, motioning at the dress, but still not covering herself. Maura continues to hold up her hand to block Jane’s chest, but looks at her face.

“Stop acting like a brat!” Maura exclaims, annoyed herself now. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen so can you just stop please? Jesus, Jane!”

That makes Jane stop her rampaging annoyance for a second. Silence falls between the two women for a moment. “No, I’m not,” she mutters finally, self–consciously.

“Ugh,” Maura starts, irritated at being implied as a liar. “Yes –” she stops, makes a face, and pulls back up Jane’s dress to cover her, careful not to linger too long on her breasts before she finishes softly, “Yes, you are.” She runs her hands down the sides of the dress, smoothing it out as she tells her, “You are going to turn every head at that party, okay?” Her hands pause at her hips as she looks into Jane’s eyes. “You look amazing in this dress.”

Jane’s silent for a moment and Maura realizes how intimately they’re standing. She has the urge to take away her hands quickly, but that would make it seem to obvious about what she was thinking, so she tries to play it cool, natural, and leaves her hands where they are. She looks at Jane expectantly. Finally the brunette sighs.

“You have to say that.”

“What? Why would I have to say anything, Jane? There’s no gain in it for me to lie to you.”

“Well you’re not going to tell me I look like crap in it if I do,” Jane protests. Maura raises an eyebrow at her, skeptically. It was absurd that that sentence even came out of Jane’s mouth.

“When have I ever had a problem telling you that you look less than adequate?”

That makes Jane pause, thinking about that. Finally she sighs, giving up. “Fine. I’ll wear the stupid dress. Just… help me get out of the damn thing,” she says, taking Maura’s hands in hers and guiding them behind her back, indicating she needs help unzipping it. In the process, it pulls Maura a step closer. One more inch and they’d be pressed together.

Maura can’t help but think that this position is completely unnecessary. Jane could have just turned around and let her unzip it that way instead of practically having her dry hump her to get to the zipper. The air around them seems thick all of a sudden as a silence washes between them, making every look, touch, and sound, seem so much bolder than normal. Maura feels herself hold her breath.

There are no words to describe the way Jane is looking at her right now. It makes Maura’s heart speed up as Jane slowly moves her hands out of the way, letting Maura have better access to the zipper. She can feel Jane’s fingertips now brushing the edge of her hip, like she’s not sure if she should actually make contact with her or not.

Maura keeps one hand on the small of her back as she looks up at Jane through her eyelashes before slowly, probably much slower than needed, unzips the zipper all the way down to the curve of Jane’s backside, which her fingertips lightly brush over as she takes her hand away.

Maura has to mentally remind herself to take a breath before she passes out from holding it too long.

“Maura?” Jane asks softly, breaking the silence as she casually shrugs down the dress a little, exposing the swell of her breasts. Maura wouldn’t be able to stop herself from staring even if she tried.

“Mmm?”she asks, clearly distracted by other things at the moment. Is Jane trying to seduce her?

“Where’s my shirt?” Jane asks, a little louder, completely breaking the moment that they were having. Maura’s eyes snap up to look at her; she knows she probably looks as confused as she feels right now.

“Oh, um,” Maura stutters a little, feeling a little embarrassed from thinking this was something that it clearly wasn’t. She steps away from her instinctively. “I put it on your bed.”

“Thanks,” Jane says, looking like she feels a little awkward all of a sudden as she steps away from Maura too; trying to establish distance. “Lemme get dressed and we’ll start dinner. Frankie said he might stop by, but I don’t know.”

“I can go, if you want,” Maura starts, realizing how awkward this is quickly becoming. “You can spend some time with your brother.”

“Don’t be stupid, Maura,” Jane says, looking at her like she’s being ridiculous as she sits on the edge of her bed, picking up her shirt with one hand while the other holds up her dress, making sure it doesn’t fall and expose frontal nudity to her friend… again. “I asked you to stay for dinner. I want you to stay.”

“Oh,” Maura says, genuinely surprised. Because of that, her mouth decided to just go off without any kind of approval from her brain, “I just thought that’d be awkward, since we kind of just –”

“Maura,” Jane interrupts, a slight warning in her tone. “Just lemme get dressed.” She clearly doesn’t want to discuss what may have just happened. Maura blinks; taken aback by the sharpness of Jane’s tone, before she looks down at her shoes.

“Yeah, sorry,” Maura mutters before retreating out of the bedroom. She sits down on the couch as she waits for Jane, trying to make sense of what just happened.

The obvious answer is that maybe Jane really does have some feelings for her, but that just seems too simple. Maybe there wasn’t really a moment between them at all, and Maura just assumed there was because it felt like one to her. Maybe it was always really awkward for Jane and Maura just refused to see it. Maybe there were too many maybe’s and not enough answers.

Damnit.

Maura sighs, pressing her hands together and placing them over her lips, elbows on her knees, and stares at the wall. Way to make things awkward between you and your best friend, Isles.

When Jane exits the bedroom, Maura looks up at her before standing. “Jane, I’m really sorry –” she tries to apologize, feeling awful. She shouldn’t have put her friend in an awkward position like that.

“For what?” Jane asks, laughing it off, pretending nothing happened: Jane’s typical way of dealing. “For puttin’ me in that dress? You better be. I’m gonna look like the party Ho, Ho, Ho.”

“That dress is very classy, Jane!” Maura protests, offended that Jane thinks that she looks like a slut in it. Maybe she was just trying to make a joke, but regardless.

“Whatever, c’mon, we need to put dinner on. I’m starved,” Jane tells her before grabbing one of her hands and leading her into the kitchen. Maura makes a face, but doesn’t protest any longer. It’s pointless.

“What are we having?” Maura asks as she leans against the kitchen counter, looking at her friend.

“I dunno, I figured we can make some chicken alfredo or something. Pretty sure I got a dead bird stashed in my freezer somewhere,” Jane says, opening her freezer door and peering in. Maura sighs patiently.

“If you wanted that you should have left it in the refrigerator to defrost.”

Jane looks back at her like she’s being stupid. “Uh, Maura? That’s why we have a microwave.”

“Oh, Jane, gross,” Maura says, pulling a face. “You can’t defrost a chicken in the microwave. It’ll cook some of it and be entirely uneven. Hold on, let me see what else you have.”

Maura looks through her cupboards and finds, must to her distain, that most of Jane’s culinary choices are limited to Chef Boyardee and Spaghetti–Os. This simply will not do. She sighs, closing the cupboard and looks over at her friend. “I suppose we can just eat fettuccine alfredo, sans the chicken.”

“I still say we can microwave it,” Jane says, moving across the kitchen to get a pot, then to the sink to fill it with water. Maura makes a face.

“No.”

“Whatever, Little–Ms–Picky,” Jane says, looking over and smirking at her friend as she puts the water on the stove. She turns on the burner. “Let’s go find something on TV while this boils,” she suggests.

“No sports,” Maura tells her as she follows her out into the living room.

“What do you have against sports?” Jane asks, flopping down on the couch. She positions herself against the armrest, one leg propped up against the back and the other on the floor. Maura’s about to answer when Jane takes her hand, pulling her down to sit between her legs. She guides her to lean back against her, wrapping an arm around her.

Mixed signals; meet Jane.

“They’re, um,” Maura starts, not seeming to really be able to make a full sentence after the surprise that Jane wants her to sit so intimately with her. “They’re just kind of boring,” she finishes before pursing her lips and looking down at one of Jane’s hands that’s resting on Maura’s chest, only about an inch from her breast.

“What? How can you think sports are boring?” Jane asks, like Maura just informed her the sky isn’t really blue. She shakes her head as she grabs the remote off the side table, clicking on the television. It’s currently muted. “I don’t understand you.”

Maura’s about to answer her when all of a sudden Jane’s dog, Joe Friday, chooses that moment to jump up on the couch and attempt to snuggle with them. “Aw, no. Joe, c’mon. Get off of her,” Jane coaxes, trying to shoo the dog. Joe dodges her efforts though and chooses to lie between Maura’s leg and the back of the couch, putting her head on her paws and looking up at Jane in the cutest possible way. Maura giggles.

“It’s okay, Jane. She’s –” but she doesn’t get the chance to finish, because suddenly the front door opens and Joe Friday is off of her, barking up a storm. Jane immediately grabs her gun off the side table and aims it at the door, but sighs half–relief, half–annoyance as she realizes it’s Frankie.

“Whoa, sis, it’s just me,” Frankie exclaims, holding up his hands in surrender. Jane scowls and puts the gun down on the table. He takes one look at how Jane and Maura are sitting and smiles at the ME, “Hi, Maura…” the way he says her name is like it’s a taunt to Jane, who clearly takes it as such as she grabs a throw pillow and tosses it at him. He catches it and winks at her before turning and closing the door behind him.

“You ever hear of knocking?” Jane accuses as she coaxes Maura to sit up so she can slide out from behind her. The timing and hurried way that she does it isn’t lost on Maura, who knew all too well that Frankie was teasing her about the intimate position they were in. From how quickly Jane reacted to just the tone of voice in which he said Maura’s name, it didn’t seem like it had been the first time he’d done it either. It makes Maura flush a little in embarrassment – as Jane quickly establishes distance between them – that clearly her affections may be lost on Jane most of the time, but they aren’t lost on the people that surround them.

“You ever hear of locking your door?” Frankie counters as he walks over to the kitchen and puts down a brown paper bag. “Garlic bread,” he offers. “We still havin’ the pasta, right?”

“Yeah, though no chicken since Maura’s found something unsanitary about defrosting it in the microwave,” Jane tells him, nodding her head at her friend before her eyes connect with hers, a teasing smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“Hey, what’s wrong with the microwave?” Frankie asks, turning to Maura like he can’t possibly understand how that could be bad in any way. “That thing’s the greatest invention in the world.”

“Defends the man who manages to set macaroni & cheese on fire,” Maura replies, smirking at him and then catching Jane’s amused look as she comes in and takes the bread from them, knowing she’s gonna be the one to have to cook this.

“How do you know about that?” Frankie asks, surprised. He turns to Jane, “How does she know about that?”

Jane laughs a little as she hands Maura a baking sheet. “Hey man, it’s a funny story. You gotta expect that it’d be told.”

“Yeah? Well I got some funny stories too…” Frankie starts, shooting a pointed glance at Jane which indicated both a threat and a tease. He grins at her as she realizes whatever it is that he’s threatening her with.

“Oh, don’t you dare!” she starts with a warning, yet a laugh, wrapping her arm around his neck as they both begin to wrestle in the kitchen.

“Hey, hey!” Maura protests, waving her hands at them. “No, not in here. You’ll end up breaking something. Go into the living room,” she orders. She is not about to see Jane’s kitchen destroyed and dinner ruined over a sibling rivalry.

“Ow, Frankie! Damnit!” Jane laughs as she’s pulled into the living room, right before she lightly punches Frankie in his side.

“Please don’t kill each other!” Maura requests loudly as she turns on the over and sticks the bread in there to cook. She hears some more struggling and laughing before she overhears Frankie say:

“Okay, I give! I give! Damnit, Jane, don’t pull off my pinkie!”

Maura hears Jane laugh, “That’s what you get, punk.” Maura checks on the boiling water and finding it at the right temperature, dumps in the noodles. She then hears Jane toss Frankie something, which she assumes is the remote, as she says, “Here, put on the game. Lemme go help Maura for a second.”

Maura hears Frankie mumble something, but can’t make it out. It sounds like he’s poking fun at her again though.

“Dude, you are just looking to get beat down, aren’t you?” Jane warns, but lightheartedly. She chuckles. “Just shut up, ass. Watch the damn TV.”

Maura tries to make herself look busy as Jane comes back in so she doesn’t look like she was eavesdropping. Problem is, there’s nothing really left to do while the pasta boils and the bread bakes. She’s left leaning against the counter, looking slightly awkward as she doesn’t know where to place her hands. They keep moving oddly as Jane comes in, before she quickly places them on the edge of the counter and fidgets. Jane cocks an eyebrow at her.

“Maura, you okay?” she asks, an amused smile on her face as she watches her friend’s behavior.

“Yeah!” Maura exclaims, a little louder than the situation called for. “I’m… waiting for everything to cook,” she finishes, softer, a little embarrassed.

“Yeah well, if it’s stressin’ ya this bad I’ll take care of it,” Jane says with a laugh. “Relax Maura, you look like you’re about to break my counter.”

“What? Oh, I’m sorry,” Maura apologizes, letting go of her grip on the counter. “When I get nervous I have conflicting reactions,” she explains without thinking.

“I don’t think the noodles are judging you,” Jane says with a smirk, either missing the reason she’s nervous entirely or choosing to ignore it. Either way, she picks up one uncooked noodle from out of the bag, holding it up. “Hm, this one might be though.” She’s mocking her, but Maura misses it.

“It’s a noodle, Jane. It can’t –ahh!” Maura squeals, interrupting herself as Jane tosses it at her with a snicker. It goes right down the front of her blouse. “That was in my bra!” she protests, trying to dig it out. She’s giggling though, so she’s not against the playfulness of the situation. In fact, it’s pretty much the opposite as she encourages it; grabbing a noodle of her own and tossing it at Jane. It lands in her hair and Maura snorts.

“Oh, you wanna play like that?” Jane counters, grabbing a handful of dry noodles and advancing on her.

“No, Jane, don’t!” Maura protests, holding out her hands as she’s backed up against the counter, laughing.

“Don’t break shit!” they both hear Frankie call from the next room, calling Maura out for her shooing them out of the kitchen for this very reason.

“Hey, I’m being careful!” Jane calls back to him, before an evil glint twinkles in her eye and she lunges, trying to stuff the noodles down Maura’s shirt.

The ME squeals; a very girly, high pitched sound as she tries to get away, but to no avail. The noodles go down her shirt, down her bra, and provide her with a very unpleasant feeling as the roughness of the pasta scratches her smooth skin. But she’s still giggling, not having a care at all about how unpleasant the noodles feel down her shirt, because it came with the consolation prize of Jane having her hands all over her.

“Okay, I give!” Maura exclaims. She jumps in place, trying to shake the noodles out. “Oh, this feels so weird!” she complains. Jane laughs.

“Here, hold still. I’ll help.”

They’re both still giggling softly, out of breath from their play fight. Maura tries to protest that she doesn’t need help as she tries to shake the noodles out of her shirt, but one touch of Jane’s hand on the bare skin of her stomach as she slides her hand up her shirt, trying to dislodge the pasta, and Maura’s brain goes blank. She inhales sharply.

Jane notices the way Maura reacts to her touch and looks up at her. Even with all the studying Maura has done on facial expressions and body language, she can’t for the life of her figure out what’s going through Jane’s brain at the moment. It’s like time has stood still; but then again, time seemed to always do that whenever they had moments like this. Whatever this is.

Scared that Jane’s going to be the first to run, like always; Maura overcompensates by swatting her hands away frantically and babbling as she looks down her shirt, trying to get the rest out. “T–There should only be a few left. I can feel them around my pactoralis major, but I can… I can get them myself.” Frantically trying to get them out of her shirt, she babbles on, refusing to look at Jane, “Did you know fettuccine alfredo was named by an Italian restaurateur at his restaurant Alfredo alla Scrofa in Rome? I think the restaurant is still open to this day, but it’s been –” when she gets the last noodle out of her shirt, Jane takes her hand in hers, stilling her.

“Jesus, Maura, you’re shaking,” Jane interrupts. Maura takes her hand away and hides it behind her back.

“I’m sorry, when I get nervous there’s a problem with the signals my cortex and basal ganglia are sending each other and it allows for unwarranted motor control,” Maura tries to explain, rubbing her shaking hand against her back self–consciously.

“Why are you nervous? It’s just me, Maura,” Jane asks softly, placing her hand on Maura’s hip to try to reassure her. Maura looks up at her and blurts out:

“You make me nervous.”

Crap. That so wasn’t supposed to come out of her mouth.

“Why?” Jane asks, looking a little confused. “Because I know you like women now? I told you that doesn’t change anything.” Jane reaches around, taking Maura’s hands again and holds them as she steps closer to her. She leans down, pressing her forehead to hers and squeezes her hands as she looks at her, trying to get her point across as best she can. “You’re still my best friend, Queen of the Dead.” She smiles softly at her.

“No, Jane, you don’t understand…” Maura starts, fear in her voice because she knows she’s close to blurting out the truth. She’s never done well with secrets; they’re too stressful.

“Then explain it to me.”

Maura wishes she never asked that, because she instantly tells her the truth.

“Jane…” she starts, voice shaking a little from nervousness. But she doesn’t stop, doesn’t waiver, “when you’re near me like this, my heart rate speeds up, my palms get sweaty, my endorphins release and sometimes I… I have difficulty breathing,” Maura says, voice barely above a whisper. Her stomach feels like it’s pooled at her feet with how low it’s dropped due to her nervousness and she closes her eyes, afraid to see the reaction on Jane’s face.

“What?” Jane asks, barely above a whisper, sounding much more shocked than Maura would have thought she’d feel. It’s apparently been obvious to everyone else, right?

But instinctively Jane pulls away from her and God; just feeling that makes Maura want to cry. When she opens her eyes, they start to water and her throat starts to close and shit, she hates the way Jane’s looking at her right now and she wishes she just kept it to herself. She tries to open her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

She knows she’s about to lose a friend. She can see it on Jane’s face.

“Hey, what’s up with the food?” comes Frankie’s voice as he strolls into the kitchen, effectively breaking the shock that Jane was feeling and allowing Maura to get a hold over her own emotions. Maura turns, busying herself with getting the noodles off the stove.

“It’ll be done in a minute, give us a sec,” Jane tells him, trying to smile as she pushes him back with one hand. “Don’t hover, you’re actin’ like Ma.”

Frankie rolls his eyes but turns to leave, calling out, “I want two slices of garlic bread.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jane replies, waving him off.

Silence.

All that can be heard is the sound of the pot hitting the base of the sink before Maura looks for the strainer. She’s trying like hell to recite the Periodic Table of Elements in her head to distract herself so she doesn’t start crying right there on the spot.

“Maura.”

No answer.

“Maura!”

Maura allows herself to glance at Jane, but doesn’t speak, for fear her voice will fail her. Jane purses her lips, looking a little confused and a bit defensive as she takes a step back from her. She shrugs, trying to be casual though. “Let’s just… eat. Okay?”

Maura just nods. It’s all she can do.

And when Jane leaves her in the kitchen alone, all she can do is let out one, tiny sob over the noodles, hoping the sound of the water hitting the base of the sink as she drains the pasta drowns out the sound of her upsetting disappointment.

CHAPTER SIX

First Kiss

The first time Maura kissed Jane was, interestingly enough, during the Christmas party, after one of the biggest fights they ever had.

They hadn’t spoken for six days since Maura’s revelation before dinner that night. Six. Instead of Jane coming down to the morgue to give her updates about current cases, it was Frost. Sometimes Korsak, but never Jane. Ever.

Jane was polite to her in front of others, of course. But it was strictly business between them for almost a week. Korsak asked Maura what was going on, though probably only after asking Jane and getting nothing from her. Maura just told him they were having a difference of opinion at the moment, a tone in her voice that indicated she would like him to drop the subject. Korsak had always been a man of intelligence and perception, so he did.

It tore Maura apart though; them not speaking to each other. She respected that fact that Jane obviously needed space and time to think about things, but as each day passed with nothing changing, the more she realized that she probably just lost her best friend.

Her only friend, really.

She blamed herself, of course. Maura supposed that was the appropriate reaction most people had under these types of circumstances. She should have had more control over her verbal functions, she should have never tried to manipulate Jane into a date, she should have never fallen for her in the first place.

A whole bunch of ‘should have never’s’ that didn’t make the slightest bit of difference because she did.

So when Maura got to the Christmas party, she was fully prepared to be ignored by Jane once again. But to her surprise, and very obvious shock, she wasn’t. “Maura!” Jane calls as she walks in, waving enthusiastically for her to come over.

The confusion on Maura’s face must have been evident, because Jane nods at her, smiling, as she coaxes her over. Maura finds her feet moving to her almost magnetically before her brain can fully comprehend the absurdity of this situation, given the past couple of days. Suddenly she finds herself next to Jane.

God, she does look beautiful in that dress…

“Maura, I want you to meet Maggie Cole, I used to work with her when I did Narcotics,” Jane introduces, which makes Maura realize that Jane isn’t alone. Maura blinks, trying to process the situation as her eyes flick over to the woman she’s being introduced to.

Maggie was about medium height, maybe an inch taller than Maura. She was deceptively strong for how girly she looked – not at all like Jane, who wears her strength like a medal and chooses to accent that with the type of clothes she wears and the ‘tough–as–nails’ attitude. No, Maggie looked right at home in her short, black dress and heels. In fact, unless you noticed the ripple of muscles through her arms every time she moved, you would think that she didn’t look cut out for a job in Narcotics. Her skin was tinged with olive, making her look a mix of Puerto Rican and Irish decent. Her short black hair was pulled back and yeah, she was pretty. Beautiful actually.

But she was no Jane.

“Oh,” Maura exclaims, knowing her surprise is shown in her voice. But she extends her hand in greeting, not wanting to be rude. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Maggie greets her as she shakes her hand. She has a firm grip, which doesn’t surprised Maura in the slightest. “Jane’s told me a lot about you.”

“She has?” Maura asks, eyebrows rising, still shocked and confused by what’s going on. What is going on?

“Yes, she speaks very highly of you,” Maggie informs her. “She says you’re the most brilliant medical examiner that she’s ever had the pleasure of working with.” Maura notices Maggie’s eyes trail her form; taking her in. Maybe sizing her up. “Among other things,” she finishes, smiling.

Other things? What other things?

Maura can’t think very well right now, she’s too confused as to what this is and why. She looks at Jane, hoping her face indicates that she needs some sort of explanation. Jane doesn’t bite.

“That’s… very kind of her,” Maura starts, acknowledging Maggie. She then turns back to Jane. “Jane, can I have a word?”

“Actually, I was about to go get Frost. I need him to –” Jane starts, taking a step back. Maura isn’t about to let this slide though. She’s pretty sure she’s starting to get it now.

“It’ll only take a second,” Maura tells her, before nodding towards Maggie. “Excuse us.” She takes Jane’s hand in hers.

“Of course,” Maggie says, but Maura notices her looking at their intertwined hands. Not one to really care what strangers think, Maura leads Jane away and over to a private corner.

“What are you doing?” Maura asks, confused.

“What do you mean, ‘what am I doing’?” Jane asks, untangling her hand from Maura’s and folding them across her chest. “I was introducing you to someone; what does it look like?”

“You haven’t spoken to me in six days and eleven and a half hours, Jane.”

Jane blinks. “You know, you’re a bit freaky when you get all precise like that.” She tries to give her a side smirk, but it isn’t received well.

“Jane.”

“What?” Jane asks, defensive. She throws up her hands, like she’s fed up with an altercation that has just barely started. “Look, I had my reasons for doing that. I just needed some space. But we’re past that; moving on, see?” she indicates the space between them like it’s supposed to mean something. “I just thought you’d like her.”

“Like her for what?”

“Huh?”

“Like her as a friend or like her in my bedroom?” Maura asks bluntly. Jane looks a little awkward at that statement, but keeps her resolve. She shrugs, like it doesn’t matter. Yet this entire thing has so much significance even Jane couldn’t cover it up with an indifferent persona.

“I suppose that depends on how well you two hit it off.”

Maura looks at her indignantly, starting to get a little angry. “How dare you try to set me up with someone; I’m not something you can just pawn off on other people when you don’t know how to deal with me, Jane!”

A couple of heads turned in their direction.

“Jesus, can it, Maura, will ya?” Jane hisses, grabbing her friend’s hand and pulling her into the woman’s bathroom so they can have some privacy, since Jane realized Maura isn’t about to be quiet about anything anymore.

Maura’s been silent about things for far too long now. It ate her up inside and she’s done with it. She’s always been an honest person and being anything but was just stressful.

“God, do you seriously gotta cause a scene over this?” Jane asks; annoyed with the fact that some people may have heard what she said. Worried about how it could be construed.

“I’m not causing a scene, Jane,” Maura says flatly. She looks at her, hurt. “I just can’t believe you would do something like that.”

“Something like what? Maura, I was trying to be nice! Isn’t she your type?” Jane defends, pointing at the door, indicating Maggie somewhere on the other side of it.

“How would you even begin to know my type? You’ve never asked.”

“Well…” Jane stumbles, looking a little perplexed. “She… I mean, she’s pretty, right? And she’s gay.”

“So the basis of your judgment is because she’s an attractive lesbian? Not all gay people are attracted to each other, Jane,” Maura tells her, like she’s being completely ridiculous. Jane looks at her incredulously.

“She carries a gun,” Jane tells her, like that should be the final point of her argument that reigns above anything else.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well you like woman who carry guns, don’t you!” Jane exclaims, clearly frustrated by now.

“You mean like you?” Yeah, she’s not beating around the bush any more. She’s tired of it.

Silence. They just stare at each other.

Finally Jane sighs, putting her hand over her eyes and rubbing her forehead. “Maura, don’t go there. You’re just… confused because I’m the only woman you’re ever around.”

Another silence. This time it’s deafening.

Maura’s seething. “How dare you presume to know how I feel and why!” she yells, not at all bothering to be discreet anymore. That was the most presumptuous thing she’s ever heard come out of Jane’s mouth. It was insulting. Jane tries to respond, but Maura doesn’t let her. “If you don’t feel the same way then that’s fine, Jane, alright? I’ll deal with it and move on because our friendship is the most important thing to me. But I like you, not some gun toting lesbian from Narcotics!” Jane tries to say something, but once again she’s cut short. “And frankly I find it insulting to our friendship that instead of talking to me like an adult about this; you don’t speak to me for nearly a week and then try to pawn me off on someone else! That’s probably the most immature thing you’ve ever done, Jane Rizzoli!”

“Immature?” Jane scoffs, getting angry herself now. She points at her accusingly. “You want to talk about immature, Maura? Alright, let’s talk about the time that you manipulated me out of going on a date with some guy, just because you were jealous!”

Maura can’t speak; the words choke up in her throat. She knows she looks terrified.

“Yeah,” Jane stresses, noting the look on Maura’s face. “And for your information, I didn’t stop speaking to you over your little revelation over dinner. It was because the next day I ran into Giovanni. You know, he looked awfully confused as to why I assumed he had a genetic disorder.”

Maura swallows, “You… asked him about that?” There was no way this could end well.

“Well I was kinda curious seeing as that ‘tumor’ you pointed out was mysteriously gone the next time I saw him,” Jane spits out, furious. “So that, Maura, is why I stopped talking to you. Friends just don’t do that shit to each other! I’m not your fuckin’ lab rat that you can poke and prod and see if I’ll do a trick for you!”

“That’s not what I think of you as!” Maura objects, chest tightening. This train was barreling down the wrong side of the tracks and fast.

“See, this is why I never fucked with smart people. You guys just like to amuse yourselves by screwing with the less gifted. Well I hope you had your fun, because it’s over now.”

“What?” Maura asks, astounded that Jane would even think that. “Jane!”

But Jane’s trying to walk out the bathroom door. Maura frantically gets there first, flattening herself against it; blocking Jane off. “Jane, you know that’s not what I think of you!” Her heart is pounding in her chest and she realizes she’s completely terrified. This is not how things are supposed to go between them. Even if they don’t live happily ever after, they are still supposed to be friends.

“Move, Maura.” Jane’s not kidding around.

Maura isn’t either, though. “No!”

“Maura, I swear to god if you don’t move then I will make you move,” Jane warns. Maura can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s not joking about the matter.

She really screwed this up. She knows that the way Jane grew up that she’s had stipulations with people who are more gifted and more privileged than her, and Maura was both. But it never used to matter. After their differences in the beginning of their friendship they had moved past that. But now it seems like Jane’s lumping her in with everyone else who had wronged her because of her actions. Maybe she deserves it, but she’s not about to lose a friendship over it.

“I’m sorry, Jane,” Maura tells her sincerely, honestly, with every amount of emotion she can muster in her voice. She looks her in the eyes, pleading. “I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I just didn’t know what to do…” her voice breaks.

“Maybe you should have talked to me like an adult!” Jane snaps, using Maura’s own words back at her. Maura flinches.

“I was… I was scared, Jane. You don’t understand how hard this has been –”

“What, how hard it’s been for you?” Jane asks, spitefully. “That’s just it, Maura. You just think about yourself. You didn’t take half a fucking second to think about how hard it’s been for me!”

Maura blinks. “What?” Did Jane just imply what she thinks she implied?

Jane shakes her head, putting up her wall of defense again. Arms crossed over chest, glare in place. “Just forget it, okay? Move.”

“No! I’m not going to let you walk out of here like this!” Maura tells her.

“Well too bad this isn’t the world where Maura gets whatever she wants.”

“Do you have feelings for me, Jane?” Maura asks, knowing that if not anything else, it’ll at least stop Jane from trying to physically move her out of the way. It works.

“I’m not gay, Maura!” Jane yells, too loudly and too defensively than the purpose called for. Maura noticeably finches.

“You didn’t have to shout,” she mumbles.

“Obviously I do seeing as you’re not understanding!” Jane exclaims, frustrated. She runs her hand through her hair and sighs in aggravation. “Fuck, Maura. I want to be your friend. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had in my whole damn life but you’re making this hard.”

It’s too much for Maura. All this yelling; all this fighting, Jane sounding near disgusted about the implication that she likes women… again. It’s too many emotions, it’s too much to handle, and Maura just breaks down and cries. She can’t help it, she can’t stop it, and she feels like a complete idiot since she keeps doing it so often. But when romantic feelings are involved it always tends to be one extreme or the other.

“Shit, Maura, please don’t do that…” Jane says, her voice noticeably softer as she notices Maura’s distress. Jane has never been able to handle Maura crying without needing to do something about it. She takes a hesitant step closer to her friend, who’s covered her face in shame as she tries to control her crying. But one touch from Jane and she just dissolves. As Jane takes her in her arms, trying to shush her, she bawls on her shoulder, holding onto her like letting go would mean her certain death.

Jane has one hand around Maura’s waist and another cradling her head protectively against her shoulder. She shushes her again, trying to help Maura calm herself down. She kisses the top of her head, then dips her head down to kiss her shoulder. “Shh, c’mon, sweetie. Don’t cry…” she whispers in her ear. She nuzzles into her neck, her fingers stroking the small of her back.

Something snaps in Maura.

Maura roughly pushes Jane away, making her stumble. Jane looks like she’s just been slapped and the shock of it is evident on her face. Maura still has tears streaming down her cheeks but now she looks angry, hurt, confused. “Don’t do that!”

“Do what?” Jane asks in exclaimed disbelief.

“God, you do that all the time and you don’t even notice, do you?!” accuses Maura, wiping away the fallen tears on her cheeks fiercely.

“What are you talking about?! I was trying to comfort you!”

“I’m not stupid Jane! I may have not had many friends but the way you act with me sometimes is so past the friend’s barrier that I don’t even know where to start! You do this all the time and you confuse me and you wonder why I have feelings for you?!” Maura shrieks. All the pieces are starting to fall together now. Maybe it’s ironic that she sees things more clearly now that she’s pretty sure she’ll never actually have a chance with Jane, but that doesn’t stop her from voicing her observations aloud.

“What?” Jane asks, not knowing what else to say. She looks absolutely confounded.

“We sleep together, cuddled up, in the same bed all the time,” Maura starts, rattling off her list, voice getting bolder with each passing word. “You hold my hand, you kiss me whenever you can get away with it, you always want me close to you. Always. You sit so unnecessarily close sometimes, and you always need a body part of yours touching mine. Sometimes when we’re really close, face to face, your breath will hitch and you’ll search my eyes like you’re trying to find an out which I’m never going to give you. I know you look at me the way I look at you, Jane! I’ve studied body language and I know how to read facial expressions and the only reason I didn’t see it before was because I was so terrified that I was somehow making it up. But I’m not, and you know I’m not, and I know you have feelings for me, Jane! God, I’ve never seen someone so far in denial! You’re –”

But Maura’s cut off, her breath taken from her as Jane pushes her up against the door, placing a hand over her mouth in desperation. “Stop!” she cries. Maura would have had to have been deaf to not hear the fear behind it. “For fuck’s sake, Maura, just stop,” Jane pleads, pinning her against the door as she leans her forehead against hers, closing her eyes. Maura has never seen Jane look so defeated.

Maura’s breathing heavily; the crying, the anger, the fear, and the intimacy in which they’re pressed together is overwhelming her senses. They’re both quiet for a moment and the only sound that can be heard is their breathing as they both try to calm down. Jane slowly takes her hand away from Maura’s mouth, leaving their lips mere inches between each other. Jane takes a breath before she starts. She still doesn’t open her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispers. Maura can feel her breath on her lips and it makes her shudder in need.

“How can you say that?” Maura asks softly, a hitch in her throat from emotion. She looks up at Jane as her hand cups her cheek, trying to make her open her eyes and look at her. But Jane doesn’t comply and she slowly traces Jane’s jaw line with her fingers, then her thumb ghosts across her bottom lip. Jane noticeably swallows and shuts her eyes tighter, like she’s trying to block out what’s happening, yet she doesn’t move an inch. That speaks volumes to Maura.

“Because we can’t.” It’s said so softly that Maura almost missed it.

“Why? Jane… I –” Maura tries, but cuts herself off as she realizes words probably aren’t going to get her anywhere in this situation. Instead she leans her head up, brushing her lips softly across Jane’s. She feels the detective let out the breath she had been holding, but she doesn’t move to close the distance. “Jane, I need you,” Maura breathes, just before her lips come into contact with Jane’s.

For all of Jane’s protesting, the feeling of Maura’s lips on hers seems to ignite something in her and she kisses her back forcefully, desperately, as both of them instantly grab hold of each other; grasping at clothing in the fear that the other will run. Maura doesn’t try to stop the moan that falls from her lips as Jane’s tongue explores the inside of her mouth for the first time and she wraps her arms around her neck, tangling her hands in her hair, knowing that if she died in this very moment than at least she would die happy.

Jane’s breathing erratically into her mouth through their insistent kisses and Maura’s pretty sure it’s because she’s terrified. Her heart is pounding pretty hard herself. So Maura cups Jane’s face in her hands and whispers against her lips, “It’s okay Jane, it’s okay…” between kisses.

“Maura,” Jane breathes. She kisses her again, but Maura can tell the passion behind it is fading and fast. “Maura,” Jane repeats, but this time it seems like she’s trying to get her attention. No, no, no! Maura quickly kisses her roughly, acquiring dominance over Jane and the situation. She presses herself tightly against her, one arm around her waist while the other grips her hip like she’s afraid of letting her go.

“Stay with me,” she whispers though her kisses. She doesn’t want to stop kissing her, ever. She’s so afraid that they’re teetering on the edge though. “Please stay with me, Jane,” she practically begs.

“Maura… Maura, I…” and it’s over, Maura knows it. As Jane untangles herself from Maura and pushes away she tells her, “I’m sorry, Maura. I can’t.” Her breathing is labored, her eyes wide with fear and recognition of what just happened between them.

“Why?” Maura asks, feeling her heart break all over again. She reaches for Jane, but the brunette steps away.

Jane looks guilty and apologetic, confused and upset. “I’m going on a date tomorrow,” she tells her. She won’t even meet her eye when she says it.

Maura feels like she just got punched in the stomach. “What?” she asks. She doesn’t even know if it was audible.

“Giovanni… he asked. And… and I said yes, okay? That’s why I was trying to set you up with Maggie; I didn’t want you to be alone.”

“I wouldn’t be alone if I was with you!” Maura protests. She feels another tear slip down her cheek. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. Jane was supposed to admit her feelings and they were supposed to be together. They were supposed to be happy.

“You’re friendship is too important to me, Maura!” Jane exclaims, frustrated and upset. “We can’t get into this with each other, it’s just gonna end in shit. Everything always does!”

“You can’t possibly know that!”

“But I do. Maura, I can feel it, okay? I’m no good for you; I’m just gonna fuck you up. I love you and I can’t… I can’t do that to you, okay? You’re too damn important!” Jane exclaims.

“How do you love me?” Maura asks, her voice barely audible as it shakes.

“What?”

“You know what I mean,” Maura tells her, not backing down. “Jane… how do you love me?”

It’s torture waiting for an answer. It’s like all the air got sucked out of the room and they’re spinning down this black hole and neither of them can stop it. They look at each other for a long time.

“I’m sorry, Maura,” Jane says finally, stepping away from her to open the bathroom door. Maura feels her throat tighten; her chest constrict.

“Jane, please…” she pleads.

But Jane doesn’t even give spare her another look as she walks out of the bathroom. Maura doesn’t have to see Jane run to know she’s running from her, from this, from everything. It breaks her heart and tears her up inside. They could have something so good but instead Jane can’t deal and her fight or flight instinct takes over. She chose the one that she thinks will protect Maura, but all it’s doing is killing her inside. Maura doesn’t think she’s ever seen Jane run from anything, and yet that’s what she did; she chose flight.

Maura wishes more than anything that Jane would fight for her though, because out of the two of them, Jane has always been the strongest.

PART FOUR

CHAPTER SEVEN

First Indecision

The first time Jane decided to be the most indecisive person on the planet was about three months later.

After their encounter in the bathroom, things got awkward between them. Jane was adamant, however, about them being friends since it was important to her (and crucial to her point of why they shouldn’t be romantically involved), but she either failed to see or didn’t want to see how difficult it was going to be getting back to some semblance of normalcy after all that. Maura tried to explain to her that they probably needed some space, but Jane wasn’t hearing any of it. Because of that, there was long, awkward silences and tension at work. It was even worse when they tried to hang out outside of work because it seemed like they had absolutely nothing to talk about anymore. They’d sit there and drink their beverages in silence and Maura would try to come up with some excuse, any excuse, to try and leave.

It got slightly better as the months wore on, though not by a whole lot; there was still the weird, awkward moments that tended to jump in without warning. Maura wasn’t sure if they would ever get back to being the friends that they once were.

The last thing Maura was going to do was beg for Jane to be with her. It was up to Jane whether she wanted to take their friendship to the next level and unfortunately Maura believed that she’s far too scared to right now, probably for a variety of reasons. But after two months of continuously pining over Jane; watching her serial date a bunch of random men in attempt to either a) convince herself she’s not gay or b) frantically try to move on and forget, Maura decided that it was time she try to move on herself.

It could take Jane months to finally come around. Maybe years. Maybe never.

So Maura reacquainted herself with Maggie Cole of Narcotics. She was a really great woman; very polite and very classy when she needed to be, but could also tackle drug dealers to the ground and hold a gun on a suspect in a way that inspired fear and awe. She was almost too perfect for Maura, which made her wonder what exactly is wrong with her. Because there had to be something, right? Maura felt like she was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But for the time being, she was enjoying her time with Maggie. It wasn’t serious, which was something Maura needed; something light. They went on a couple dates and while the kisses goodnight were fantastic, Maura knew she couldn’t get much more serious than that with her because she couldn’t help but think that Jane kissed so much better.

But she knew that wasn’t going to happen any time soon either. She also knew it probably wasn’t a great thing for either of them for her to be comparing her to Jane.

After another date, Maggie dropped Maura off at her house. She opened her car door for her and helped her out, giving her a small smile before leaning in for a kiss. After a quick goodbye and Maggie asking if she was free over the weekend and Maura confirming, she made her way up into her apartment, planning on a long, hot bath.

What she wasn’t planning on was opening her door and seeing Jane sitting on her couch. She nearly jumped out of her skin.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Jane apologizes, standing up after Maura’s exclamation of surprise to greet her. “You – I had a key, and I just –”

“No, it’s fine. I know, I didn’t –I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” Maura says, stumbling over her words and trying to slow the erratic beating of her heart. She closes the door behind her, locking it, before leaning against the frame and looking at her friend. “You… you could have called, you know.”

“No, I know. I’m sorry, I just –this case is fuckin’ with my head and I didn’t wanna deal with it… alone, you know?” Jane tells her, sitting back down on the couch and putting her head in her hands. They were working on a case involving a serial child murderer; it was getting to everyone. Maura’s been trying to just focus on other things, but for Jane that hasn’t ever been easy without help. “I didn’t… wanna call, cause you had that date and –”

“How did you know about that?” Maura asks, surprised. Maybe a little worried. She didn’t tell Jane that she started to date Maggie for a reason. Jane looks over at her like she’s being a slow.

“People talk, Maura.”

“Oh.” Maura looks at her for a little while before averting her eyes and putting her purse down on the end table. “It’s nothing serious,” she mumbles.

“I’m… glad,” Jane says, a little awkwardly, which makes Maura look up at her quickly. Jane must have realized what she just implied so she shakes her head, backtracking, “That you’re dating, I mean. That’s good… for you. That’s good, Maura.”

“Oh. Yeah. Maggie’s… she’s really sweet,” Maura says, finding it a little awkward to be talking about this with Jane. She notices her friend’s face look a little disgruntled by that statement, but she quickly changes and gives Maura a small smile.

“That’s nice.”

Maura’s pretty sure Jane doesn’t think it’s nice at all, actually. She’s watching her friend fidget a bit on the couch before she chooses to stand again, running her fingers through her hair. There’s a long, awkward silence and unfortunately, to break it, Maura says something retarded.

“So how’s it going with you and… Mark, was it?”

Mark was her current guy of the week. Maura’s watched her go through so many it’s begun to get hard to keep track. She wishes she never brought up the subject the moment it’s out of her mouth though; she doesn’t want to know, or care to know about the men in Jane’s life.

“Mike,” Jane corrects, then waves her hand like the thought is unimportant. “Complete waste of my time.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Maura is in no way sorry to hear that. “But there’s plenty more fish in the bowl.”

“Sea, Maura. Plenty more fish in the sea.”

“Same difference,” Maura replies as she shrugs off her coat, turning to hang it on the hooks near the door. There’s another silence and Maura can hear Jane shuffling. Maura turns her head to look back at her. “Do you want to talk about the case?” she asks softly, carefully. Jane shakes her head.

“No, I just wanna forget about that horrific shit,” she tells her. She shrugs a little, shoving her hands in her pockets and rocking on the balls of her feet. “I just need a friend right now, I guess,” she mumbles. Jane’s never been good at telling people she needed them, which already speaks volumes to Maura. “Y’know, just… chill. Relax. Whatever. We used to be good at that.”

“Yeah, we used to,” Maura affirms softly. They look at each other for a moment and Maura can see a bit of sadness behind Jane’s eyes. It tugs at her heart and makes her want to go over there and wrap her up in a hug, but they didn’t do stuff like that anymore. They barely touched at all. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about anything?” she asks quietly. She knows something’s bothering Jane.

But Jane shakes it off and immediately hides the sadness in her eyes. “Nah, forget it. Ya wanna watch a movie or something? We can watch that girly stuff you like if you want. Just wanna have something to take my mind off things.”

“Yeah, of course. Um, let me go take a quick bath first, okay? You can pick out a movie while I’m in there,” Maura says, motioning to her DVD rack as she walks by to the bathroom. She watches Jane bite her lower lip in thought before she nods. Maura gives her a little smile and hurries out of the room.

She closes the door behind her and leans against it, taking a breath and closing her eyes. God, how she wishes that things between them would just go back to normal. It’s too stressful watching what you say, how you act. Maura hears the TV turn on and she strips off her dress, followed closely by her undergarments. She wraps a towel around herself before she stands at the mirror and takes all the bobby pins out of her hair.

This look was totally wasted on Maggie. She wished she was coming back from a date with Jane. Then again, if she was coming back from a date with Jane, she wouldn’t be taking a bath alone right now.

Maura knows she shouldn’t be thinking things like that though, so she shakes out her hair while she busies herself turning on the facet in the bathtub. She stands there for a moment, watching the water fill up. She can’t hear the TV anymore over the sounds of the water and it makes her curious as to what Jane is watching. What she’s thinking. What’s really got her upset. Cases don’t make her sad, they never have. She gets angry; then determined.

Maura sighs, finding Jane too complex to ever truly figure out and thus she should just stop trying. But then she almost jumps out of her skin when she feels hands on her arms.

“Relax, it’s just me,” Jane says softly, which makes Maura relax instantly. She probably didn’t hear her come in because of the sound of the water, but that still doesn’t explain why she’s even in here in the first place. She makes to turn around to try to ask just that, but then stiffens at the feel of lips on the back of her neck.

She’s torn between “what the hell?” and “oh my dear lord,” but all that comes out of her mind is a soft, questioning, and possibly disbelieving, “Jane?” She closes her eyes as Jane starts kissing her neck, making her way down her spine.

Is she dreaming? Did she fall in the tub and hit her head and is now completely delusional?

Jane’s lips are blazing a hot trail over her skin and Maura shudders when she feels her tongue trace her vertebrae. Maura whimpers quietly as Jane’s hands fall from her arms to trace the top of the towel with her thumbs. “Jane?” she tries again, attempting to make sense of this, but all she can concentrate on is Jane’s lips on her skin.

“Shh,” Jane hushes. Maura can hear how much her breathing has picked up and she realizes that that’s how Jane sounds when she’s turned on. That thought alone makes her bite her lip and tilt her head back as she squeezes her thighs together, trying to dull the throbbing ache between her legs.

It seems like it goes on forever, Jane slowly kissing each vertebrae down Maura’s back, but it’s when she gets to the last one before the towel and slowly encourages Maura to drop it, that she’s thrust back into reality with brute force. Her towel hits the floor, exposing her nude body and she shrieks, “Jane!” as she quickly bends down to retrieve her towel, place it over her body, and step away from her quickly. “What are you doing?”

Jane looks taken aback at Maura’s reaction, and then quickly turns defensive. “What I thought you wanted.”

“You thought I wanted you to seduce me?” Maura asks in disbelief, clutching the towel to her chest tightly.

“Don’t you?” Jane asks, equally as confused now. Maura’s dimly aware that the water’s still running and as she looks over she realizes it’s about to overflow. She quickly bends down to turn it off, feeling a blush creep over her cheeks as she remembers a little too late that towel is only covering the front half of the body. She straightens and turns around quickly to face Jane, whose eyebrows are raised.

“Jane, you can’t just… come in here and expect me to sleep with you just because it’s suddenly become convenient!” Maura bursts out, angry.

“Hey, whoa,” Jane says, holding up a hand to stop her. “That –I wasn’t doing it because of that. I just, hell, I don’t know, Maura, okay? I just wanted to kiss you and so I did. Why do you have to make a thing out of it?”

“Because three months ago you told me we couldn’t become romantically involved because it would ruin our friendship!” Maura exclaims. This whole situation is so confusing for her; it feels like it came out of nowhere. It did come out of nowhere. “So what are you doing? You don’t even talk to me first, don’t even take a moment to think about the fact that I’m currently dating someone else; you just jump right in and try to take what you want because you think you’re entitled to it?”

“I didn’t say I was entitled to anything; don’t put words in my mouth!” Jane protests, frustrated. She shakes her head and leans against the bathroom door, crossing her arms over her chest. She purses her lips together, looking let down. She shrugs self–consciously. “I just wanted to kiss you, Maura.”

“You dropped my towel,” Maura says flatly. There was no ‘just kissing’ about that.

“Okay, fine. Maybe I wanted to kiss you in other places too,” Jane tells her flatly, glaring at her a little. Maura, however, has a little trouble taking her next breath. It’s a bit shallow after that mental image. Jane doesn’t seem to even notice though. “I just wish you’d quit analyzing it. Why can’t it just be what it is?”

“Okay, fine,” Maura says, crossing her arms over her chest as well. “So you wanted to have oral sex with me. Then what?”

Jane flushes a little at Maura’s blunt statement. “You really just like to… say stuff like that, don’t you?”

“Well that’s what you wanted to do, wasn’t it?” Maura asks; confused as to why she’s looking at her funny.

“It crossed my mind, yeah,” Jane admits. She doesn’t look at her though and instead chooses to cross over to the sink to fiddle with Maura’s toothbrush. It clangs against the side of the container.

“So then what?” Maura asks. “What happens after?”

“What do you mean?” Jane asks, looking over her shoulder at her. She clearly wasn’t expecting this conversation and her voice hitches at the awkwardness of actually talking about it. “I dunno, we watch a movie or something?”

Sometimes it startles Maura how slow Jane can be.

“No, I mean in a more long–term perspective,” Maura explains, a bit impatiently. Jane chooses to look away from her again. She shrugs, continuing to play with the toothbrush. Clank, clank, clank. Such a repetitive noise.

“I dunno.”

Maura narrows her eyes at the raven haired woman. “And this is exactly why you won’t be kissing me any time soon, Jane Rizzoli.” She’s not about to be strung around; she deserves better. Jane looks up at her again, confusion written all over her face as Maura continues, “Next time you feel like confusing me and messing with my feelings, at least have the decency to think everything through first.” Jane just stares at her like she can’t believe she just said that to her. “Now please get out of my bathroom, I’d like to take a bath.”

“Maura…”

“No, Jane. If you’d like to discuss this some more than we can do it after I’ve had my bath. Please leave.”

Maura knows she sounds ice cold and distant, but that’s what she needs to be. After the rejection she’s had to harden herself to the pain she knows Jane is capable of giving her. It seems like forever ago – their first kiss – and yet it’s so fresh in her mind at this moment as everything resurfaces.

Jane’s looking at her like she’s expecting her to take it back; to tell her that no, she can stay and talk while she takes her bath, but Maura doesn’t budge on the subject. Just because Jane has had some random epiphany or is going through some kind of experimental phase, it doesn’t mean that it’s going to last. They could very well have sex right here on this bathroom floor, maybe up against the wall, or one of them perched on the sink counter but either way, there’s no guarantee that tomorrow Jane won’t wake up and realize it was all one big mistake.

Maura doesn’t want to feel that kind of heartbreak again.

“Fine, Maura. Fine,” Jane says, shaking her head a little. She looks confused and a little more than disappointed and hurt, but Maura tries not to let it bother her. Jane grasps the door handle, but ends up standing there for a moment. The only sound that can be heard in the room is their breathing. “I’m sorry I even tried,” she mumbles.

“Don’t be like that,” Maura says firmly. She’s not about to get guilted into it; she was the one who had their heart broken. Not the other way around.

“Be like what?” Jane exclaims, turning to look at her after she opens the door. She doesn’t move to walk through it. “All I was trying to do was what you wanted me to do.”

“You did what you wanted to,” Maura corrects softly. “You didn’t even take a second to think about me.”

“I think about you all the time!” Jane bursts out, frustrated as she admits that. She runs her fingers through her hair and lets out an aggravated sigh before taking two steps out the door. But then she stops, whips around, and takes two steps back to inform her, “This isn’t easy for me, you know. I can’t just rationalize why it’s okay to feel this way. I’m not like you, Maura. I can’t look at this shit objectively.”

Maura can’t think of a single time she actually looked at this objectively either; she’s always run on emotions when it came to Jane. But that didn’t matter, it’s not important. It doesn’t matter how she looks at it because that’s not even close to the question that actually does matter.

“Why now, Jane?” Maura asks suddenly. That’s what she needs to know. “Why all of a sudden now?”

Jane looks at her for a moment and Maura stares back, wishing that for once she knew what was going on behind those big brown eyes. For someone who claims to like simple things, she was the farthest from simple that Maura has ever known. She’s so complex and confusing to try to understand. There’s moments when she feels like she does, or maybe even can one day, but she knows that she’s just fooling herself. Now is one of those times, and due to that she decides to speak without even thinking.

“Is it because you found out I’m dating Maggie?”

Jane’s looking at her in a way that implies she’d like to set something on fire and then dance on its grave. “What the hell does she have to do with anything? Do you think I’m jealous?”

“Yes.” The way Jane scoffed and refused to even look at her was proof of that. Hell, it would also explain why she randomly decided to try to claim her ‘territory’.

“I was the one who introduced you two in the first place! I’m not jealous.”

She’s jealous. Maura knows that look; she’s had that look every time Jane would take out another guy. Maura looks at her a bit sympathetically, tilting her head to the side a little. “You can’t keep me on the backburner forever, Jane. I need to live my life.”

“I’m not stopping you!” Jane exclaims. “But… you like me more, don’t you?” Suddenly she sounds not too sure about the matter. “I mean, if you had to only pick one of us; it’d be me, right?” Jane then noticeably cringes at how needy that came out.

Maura puts her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow. “You say you’re not jealous but listen to yourself.”

“I’m just trying to put things into perspective here!” Jane defends. “What do you want me to say? That I’m happy seeing the two of you together? Because I’m not. It’s kind of bullshit, to be honest. You were supposed to –”

“What? Wait for you?” Maura interrupts disbelievingly.

“No! Yes. I don’t know,” Jane replies, sounding more frustrated by the minute. “Look I don’t… want to be in a relationship with you. I meant what I said when I told you I’d fuck you up. I’d fuck it all up and I can’t risk that. Besides, I’m not even gay.” Maura just blinks at her outright denial. “But our friendship is almost completely nonexistent now and I just thought that maybe if we started having sex than it’d get better.”

Yeah, because having sex with a woman wouldn’t be gay at all. Maura can’t figure out for the life of her how Jane’s brain works sometimes.

“Right, because sex doesn’t complicate things in the least,” Maura replies sarcastically. Jane narrows her eyes.

“Okay so maybe it wasn’t the best plan but I don’t wanna go on like this anymore. We barely even talk.”

“It hurts when I talk to you, Jane,” Maura tells her quietly, honestly. Jane looks almost devastated to hear that, but covers it up quickly as she puts up her wall. “It hurts when I’m around you. I tried to ignore it but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“So what? Our friendship is just… over? It can’t just be over, Maura. That’s screwed up.”

“I’m not saying that,” Maura replies softly. She purses her lips and looks down, leaning against the wall. She takes a breath and then shrugs. “I’m just saying I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Then you don’t know having sex won’t fix it,” Jane points out, like she just discovered how to cure the common cold.

Maura rolls her eyes, she can’t help it. It’s so ridiculous. “Sometimes I wonder if you hear the words that come out of your mouth.”

She also wonders if Jane even realizes that she’s become one big walking contradiction. ‘I’m not gay, and I don’t want to get involved, but maybe we should have sex.’ In no universe does that make any kind of sense.

“Look, I was just trying to suggest something –” Jane tries.

“Oh yes, that’s really romantic, Jane. Suggesting we have sex. Would you like to suggest where we have it, or do you not have a preference?” Maura answers sardonically. “Would you like to suggest the position, or should I surprise you?”

“You don’t have to be a bitch about it, Maura!” Jane exclaims, offended by her cynical mocking. “Look, at least I’m trying! At least I’m trying to fix our friendship instead of sitting around feeling like a fuckin’ asshole over this whole thing. I’m finally trying to do something about it, so, y’know, I’d kinda appreciate a little bit of help from your end.” Jane sighs; loud, annoyed. She looks up at Maura, who wishes she could look back at Jane with anything other than sadness in her eyes.

“Maura…” Jane starts softly. But she pauses and Maura sees her noticeably swallow as she averts her eyes. Maura feels like she’s holding her breath; waiting for Jane to finish something that’s obviously important to her. Jane purses her lips, drumming her fingers on the threshold of the door for a moment while she works up her nerve. Finally she looks up and tells her without any more hesitation, “I… love you.”

Maura can’t breathe.

Jane shakes her head as she takes a couple steps closer to her as she jumps right into talking again, not wanting to wait for Maura’s response. “I love you, okay? You asked me how before, and I think you already knew how, but just because we love each other doesn’t mean this shit’s gonna work. We did fine as friends. We did more than fine; we did great. I just want that back. It was freakin’ perfect.”

Maura still can’t breathe. She knows she’s alive though by how hard her heart is beating, which is a start.

“Maura?” Jane asks, searching her eyes for some kind of response.

“I…” Maura starts, still trying to gather her thoughts. Out of the millions of ways she had imagined Jane confessing her love for her, that definitely wasn’t one of them. “You… you just told me you were in love with me in my bathroom.” It was more of a disbelieving statement to herself, but one that just happened to come out of her mouth. “After I shot you down for sex.” She’s more saying it to the wall than to Jane at this point.

Jane laughs, which makes Maura finally click into reality and look at her. Jane puts her hand over her mouth, “I’m sorry, just… your face was priceless.” Maura still doesn’t get why that’s hilarious and Jane tries to calm her laughing down. She puts her hands on Maura’s arms to get her attention as she tells her, “Hey, I’m sorry. That was probably a shit way to tell you.” She gives her a small smile though, trying to get Maura to at least the amusement in it. “I know you like all that romantic stuff. Probably shoulda at least bought you a rose or… something.”

“I don’t need a rose, Jane,” Maura tells her softly, finally finding her voice and clarity. She looks at Jane for a moment before she too starts cracking up. “Oh god, I’m sorry!” she exclaims. Jane chuckles with her. “It’s just… that’s so not what I had in mind and I guess it’s kind of…” her laughter dies down as she takes in the reality of the situation and ends with, “bittersweet.” Because that’s what it feels like.

‘I love you, but we can’t be together.’

It’s the happiest thing and the worst thing at the same time. Maura takes a breath before she slumps forward, into Jane’s arms. Jane wraps her arms around her and rests her head on top of hers. “I’m sorry, Maura,” Jane whispers into her hair.

“You’re logic is irrational,” Maura tells her, even though she knows it won’t make a difference. She buries her face in Jane’s shirt, just wanting to soak up her scent.

“Not to me,” Jane tells her quietly. She takes a breath, then kisses Maura on the top of her head. “So… where do we go from here?”

Maura has no idea.

CHAPTER EIGHT

First Break Down

The first time things fell completely apart was at the bar, when the Homicide Unit was celebrating the capture and confession of the serial child murderer.

Maura brought Maggie, which in hindsight probably wasn’t the best of ideas, but she needed to find a way out of this limbo with Jane. It seemed like the two of them could never move forward, so there was no point in Maura standing still alone.

Where would they go from here? Neither of them could answer that and so they once again found themselves in this awkward space that’s so close and yet so far away from where they needed to be. They were touching again though; that was a start. They could brush each other’s hands without jumping a mile. They could hug. They… could kiss. Jane demonstrated that one before she left that night; not allowing Maura a moment to protest. She swept her up in a kiss that left Maura breathless and her head spinning before Jane whispered that she loved her.

And then she left. Just like that; like she had no idea how much more confusing she just made things.

To be honest, Maura found the whole thing kind of infuriating.

It’s like Jane doesn’t understand the repercussions of her actions sometimes. In her line of work, sure, she’s amazing at that. But in her personal life? Well, this is probably a horrible thing to contemplate, but Maura’s pretty sure that’s why none of her relationships have ever been successful.

Not like Maura has much room to talk either though. She just brought the woman she’s dating to a bar to hang out with her coworkers and the woman she’s in love with.

“Damn!” Korsak exclaims as he watches Jane’s dart hits another bulls eye. “Rizzoli, you got to be cheating.”

“You can’t cheat at darts, Korsak,” Jane informs him with a grin. She’s clearly proud of herself.

“You could if you messed with the darts,” Maggie says, picking up her beer. She motions with it to the dartboard. “Or the board,” she finishes as an afterthought, right before she takes a sip.

Jane shoots her a dirty look as she goes to retrieve her darts. She yanks them out with brutal force and basically shoves them at Korsak. “We’re at a bar, Maggie. When the hell would I have the time to fuck with the dartboard? It ain’t mine.” The many beers she had consumed obviously didn’t leave any room for discretion when it came to how Jane was feeling. She was wearing her disdain with the situation on her sleeve and not even bothering to hide it.

It was a little embarrassing for Maura. But what is she supposed to do? Tell her to stop? Jane wouldn’t listen, especially not after all she’s drank tonight. All Maura can do is hope Jane’s little snide snipes are the worst part of the night.

Other than that though, this night has been really fun.

Maggie just shrugs, not at all fazed by Jane’s aggravation towards her. “I was just saying,” she responds, like it doesn’t even matter in the slightest. Maura makes an ‘uh oh’ face behind her glass of wine when she sees the look Jane gives her date; like she’d like to cut her up into tiny pieces and bury the remains on different ends of the earth.

“Rizzoli, move before I end up taking off your head,” Korsak tells Jane, who’s still standing in front of the dartboard. Thankfully that distracted Jane long enough so she didn’t end up saying exactly what was on her mind to Maggie, which Maura is sure wouldn’t be anything good.

Jane moves – though honestly it was more of a stomp than an actual step – back over to the table that Maura, Maggie, and Frost are sitting at. Frost keeps looking between Maura and Jane, then over to Maggie like he expects someone’s about to get their head torn from their body.

Maura’s beginning to think that bringing Maggie was a bad idea.

“So,” Maura starts, trying to ease the tension at the table. “How about them Dodgers?” She heard someone on TV use that line to ease the tension once.

Jane snorts into her beer. It gets everywhere. Everyone else is looking at Maura like she had just sprouted a third head.

“Do you even know anything about baseball, sweetie?” Maggie asks, chuckling. Jane shoots her a dirty look, coming to Maura’s defense over something she would normally make fun of her for.

“Hey, she knows plenty about baseball,” she nudges Maura’s leg under the table. “Tell her, Maura.”

Maura looks at Jane a little disbelievingly, not expecting her to stick up for her, before she smiles and turns to Maggie. “I know that the first baseball game which was recorded with codified rules was played on the 19th of June, 1846 in New Jersey,” Maura starts, happy that she gets to share her knowledge. “And did you know that before 1859 that the umpires used to sit in padded chairs behind the home plate?”

“Maura knows everything,” Jane says with a little smile at Maggie, which in no way looks friendly. Maura doesn’t notice though, she’s more focused on the fact that Jane just complimented her and now has her hand on her thigh under the table.

“No, I don’t,” Maura responds humbly. She knows her cheeks are a bit pink though and she explains, “But I do have a vast range of knowledge on many subjects.” She discreetly slides her hand over her leg, linking her pinky with Jane’s.

That’s probably a horrible thing to do when she’s out with her date, but she can’t help it. Her own alcohol induced haze is making her think with her heart instead of her head. When Jane touches her, she can’t help but want to touch her back.

Maggie’s looking at the two of them with her eyebrows raised. “I do know that she’s intelligent, Jane,” she tells her. “It’s one of the many qualities I like about her. In fact, I believe you were the one who told me you were sure I’d like her for that very reason.” It’s a polite tone, but far from nice. Maura’s beginning to worry that Maggie’s starting to understand what exactly is going on, even if Maura’s still fuzzy on the matter.

Once again it’s like Jane’s trying to claim her, yet didn’t she just tell her they couldn’t be together?

The alcohol Jane has consumed seems to be hitting her hard, because her reply to that was a blunt, “Yeah, but I didn’t mean you should sleep with her because of it.”

Maura chokes on her own breath.

“Alright, if you two are done having a pissing contest over Dr. Isles, Jane; it’s your shot,” Korsak interrupts, holding out the darts to Jane.

“Excuse me?” Jane asks, shooting a dirty look over at Korsak.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two had a thing in the past,” Maggie responds, spiteful now. “It seems awfully odd that you’d introduce her to me if you still had feelings for her.”

“Jane, I might be old, but I’m not stupid,” Korsak responds pointedly. Frost steps back away from the table, clearly not wanting to get involved.

“More beer?” he tries feebly. Everyone ignores him.

“Korsak, mind your own fucking business,” Jane snaps. “And you –” she starts pointing at Maggie.

“Jane, please don’t,” Maura pleads. This is absolutely mortifying. People are starting to stare.

Jane ignores her. “I don’t know what anyone’s told you, but I’m not gay.” Korsak snorts and she flips him off without even sparing him a glance. “Maura’s my best friend, that’s it. I couldn’t give a flying fuck that she’s dating you.”

“Really? Because you seem a little hostile,” Maggie shoots back.

Jane stands up, knocking the table and spilling some beer. Maura struggles to get out of her chair before beer spills on her lap. This is such a disaster. “You wanna see hostile?” Jane threatens. Maggie stands up too and gives her a challenging look. She’s not the type to back down either.

“Both of you, please stop!” Maura yells, holding her hands out to separate them, even though she knows that both of them could push past her with only a small amount of effort. “We’re supposed to be having a nice time, not starting bar fights like a couple of college frat boys. So will both of you just grow up and start acting like adults?!” she shrieks, trying to get her point across with volume rather than logic because two drunk, jealous women are probably not going to listen to logic.

Jane and Maggie look at each other for a long time, as if trying to dominate the other by thoughts alone. But it’s when Maura brushes her hand lightly over Jane’s arm, trying to calm her; that Jane whips around and grabs the darts from Korsak. “Fuck this,” she mumbles as she throws one angrily at the board. It misses it all together.

“Jane, you need to relax,” Korsak tries gently, knowing how his ex partner can get. Jane clenches her teeth and rolls her neck, cracking it.

“I am relaxed.”

“Jane,” Korsak tells her in a tone of voice that at least makes her spare him a glance. “I’m serious.”

“I’m fine, Korsak, okay? Let’s just play some damn darts.”

Maura’s looking at Maggie though; who’s now looking at her like somehow this is her fault. “I’ll get more beer,” she says shortly before grabbing her purse and storming off in the other direction without giving Maura a chance to say anything.

This is not going well at all.

“I’ll help,” Frost offers, quick to get away from all the drama.

Which would have worked, really it would have, if Jane didn’t choose the moment Maggie walked past the dartboard to throw her next shot. It barely misses her head and Maura gasps, putting her hands over her mouth. She already knows what’s going to happen before it even starts.

“What the fuck, Rizzoli?!” Maggie yells, whipping around and throwing her purse on the table beside her. There was no calming this down anymore; it was a full on train wreck. “You trying to take off my head? What the hell is your problem?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t walk that close to the fuckin’ dartboard!” Jane responds, holding out her hands in a ‘oh well’ position in probably the most sarcastic and hateful manner Maura’s ever seen Jane have.

Oh god, they’re going to fight. Like actually fight. This can’t be happening right now!

“You think I’m stupid? You did that on purpose!”

“My hand slipped,” Jane deadpans. Maggie’s eyes flash before she kicks off her heels.

“Jane, Maggie, DON’T!” Maura yells, trying to stop the forthcoming bloodbath as Jane laughs bitterly and holds out her arms in invitation for Maggie to try something.

“Jane!” Korsak yells, stepping in front of her and putting his hands on her shoulders, holding her back. “You need to go somewhere and chill out. Now.”

Jane’s not looking at Korsak though, even though she’s basically getting pushed backwards away from her. “Bitch,” she spits at her.

“Jane!” Maura exclaims, astonished to hear her talk that way to someone. She comes up behind Jane, putting her hands on her arms, trying to either calm her down or help Korsak hold her back; she’s not sure.

“Closet dyke,” Maggie shoots back. “Next time you masturbate thinking about Maura, try to remember that you’re not the one who gets to fuck her; I do.”

Whoa. That was so far past the line that the line was a dot.

“Maggie!” Maura exclaims. Oh god, this was getting from bad to worse. The maturity level was like a high school fight and not only was it embarrassing, it was borderline horrific. This is why people shouldn’t drink to excess. Maura’s seen fights like this happen at bars before, but never with people she knew. Never over her.

And Maura hasn’t had sex with Maggie yet, though obviously Jane doesn’t know that. They don’t talk about that. That’d be extremely inappropriate, given the circumstances.

“I think we all just need to relax,” Frost tries.

After Maggie’s last comment, Jane furiously tries to push past Korsak, but he’s too strong for her. “JANE!” he yells, getting her attention. “Step outside, now!” His tone of voice indicates this isn’t up for debate anymore.

Jane shoots one last furious look at Maggie before she pushes herself off of Korsak. “I’m cool,” she says, holding her hands up in surrender. She sounds nowhere near cool. “I’m cool, this doesn’t fuckin’ matter anyway,” she repeats as she steps away, storming off into the bathroom.

Maura just stands there for a moment, wide eyed. She can’t believe that really just happened. She looks over at Maggie, who gives her an angry look as she slides back on her heels and then storms off over towards the bar.

Maura knows she should probably go after her, but she’s more worried about Jane. She looks at Korsak helplessly and he nods over towards the bathroom, “Go,” he encourages. She swallows the lump in her throat, her heart pounding a million miles an hour, and nods before heading off into the bathroom.

When she opens the door, she almost jumps a mile when she hears Jane punch the bathroom stall. But she takes a breath and closes the door behind her while she timidly approaches her. “Jane?” she asks, cautiously. She can hear her breathing heavily and see her shoes under the stall door, but there’s no answer. “Jane?” she tries again.

“Just go away, Maura,” Jane mumbles, still sounding really frustrated. But Maura doesn’t listen. She stands outside the stall door and knocks. There’s a long silence until she finally hears the click of the door unlatching.

“Can you come out here?” Maura asks softly. “Please?”

She hears Jane sigh heavily, but the door squeaks as she opens it. Maura leans against the sink counter, looking at her, worried. “Are you okay?” she asks. Jane looked like she wanted to tear something apart and then cry.

“What the fuck do you see in that bitch?” Jane asks suddenly, though it sounds more like a demand. She steps out of the stall, pointing at the door. “That broad is a class A psychopath.”

Maura narrows her eyes at her. She’s worried about her, but she’s not going to let her talk trash about the woman she’s dating, either. Already what she did was completely unacceptable behavior. “As opposed to you; the woman who threw a dart at her head?”

“It was a fuckin’ accident!” Jane exclaims. “And it’s not my fault she’s thick enough to walk in front of a damn dartboard while people are playing!”

“Don’t give me that, Jane. You knew exactly what you were doing,” Maura tells her, angry. “And you’re drunk, what if you actually hit her? You could have seriously hurt her; did that even cross your mind?! If you were trying to impress me with your stupid macho act then I’m sorry, you failed miserably.”

“You thought I was trying to impress you?” Jane asks, laughing scornfully. “Not everything is about you, Maura!”

“Were you not there for that entire fight? You two were at each other’s throats over me! Do you really think I want that?!”

“Well I obviously know what you do want,” Jane shoots back, furious. She points to the door angrily. “I hope you two are real fucking happy together.” Maura’s about to retort, but Jane doesn’t let her. “I mean – how the fuck can you tell me you’re in love with me and then go off and date her?!”

“Because I’m not putting my life on hold just so you can figure out what you want!” Maura screams. “It’s not fair to me, Jane!”

“You want to know what I want?!” Jane screams, getting in her face. Maura doesn’t back down though; she’s not scared of her. She knows even with all the aggravation Jane has inside of her that she’d never hurt her.

“YES!” Maura yells. The air around them seems to be crackling with tension and Maura can feel the prickles crawl up her spine and give her goose bumps. Her breathing becomes a bit shallow from the look in Jane’s eyes; almost like she wants to devour her, but she manages to exclaim, “For once, Jane, just tell me what it is you want from me!”

It’s so close to begging, but she’s far past frustrated. She’s already drunk, she just had to deal with the woman she loves and the woman she’s dating try to rip each other apart, and she’s so sick of Jane’s back and forth bullshit. This woman is going to drive her halfway to insanity if she doesn’t just make up her mind!

“Fine!” Jane yells. But instead of telling her what she wants, suddenly Maura finds herself pushed up against the counter as Jane’s lips forcefully crash into hers; apparently figuring that showing her would be much more effective in this situation. Maura gasps into her mouth, feeling the domination behind the bruising force of the brunette’s lips. She tries to protest – really, she does – at least until Jane’s tongue forces its way inside of her mouth, claiming in no time at all what Jane already knows is hers. It’s so messed up; it’s angry and it’s desperate and Maura knows she shouldn’t be doing this, but it was also the sexiest thing anyone has ever done, in a way. Maura can’t help but moan.

“You wanna know what I want, Maura?” Jane growls before she picks her up, placing her on the sink counter before roughly pushing her legs apart, settling between them. Maura’s skirt rides up and she grasps at Jane as the detective starts brutally sucking on her neck, leaving marks as she claims ownership. Maura gasps and digs her nails into Jane’s arm at the pain, but it feels so good that she’s not about to protest. She closes her eyes as Jane trails her tongue up her neck before she whispers in her ear, “I want to fuck you so hard that the only name you can remember is mine.”

Maura groans, feeling a flood of wetness soak her panties. “Jane,” she whimpers. It was a sound of defeat, a sound of compliance; submission. She was going to let Jane do what she wanted to her without a second thought. Nothing else mattered in this moment besides them, but then again, did it ever? It seemed everything that ever mattered to Maura always came back to Jane; back to this. Back to wanting this, needing this.

Jane’s hand slides up her bare thigh, hiking her skirt up further as she continues her assault on Maura’s neck. Maura spreads her legs willingly; invitingly as she begs breathlessly, “Jane, please…”

Jane’s lips crash back into hers, succumbing Maura to a mess of pathetic whimpers in mere seconds. Maura grasps at Jane’s clothing, trying desperately to just tear it off of her, but Jane won’t let her. She forces Maura’s hands away from her, groaning into her mouth as her own hands find Maura’s breasts. But they don’t stay there; this whole encounter is rushed and needy and neither of them could take it slow even if they wanted to. It was like years of pent up sexual tension just exploded and made a mess all over this seedy little bar bathroom.

It doesn’t take long before Jane picks up one of Maura’s legs and throws it over her shoulder before roughly pushing past the confines of Maura’s flimsy underwear. Maura’s pretty sure Jane ripped them, but it didn’t matter the second she felt Jane’s fingers slide inside of her. “Oh, God!” Maura cries out, squeezing her eyes shut tight as she slams her head back against the mirror. If she could feel anything else besides Jane, she’s sure that would have hurt. But all she can focus on is Jane’s groans against her neck between wet, sloppy kisses as she starts to push into her.

This is the farthest thing that Maura would have pictured for their first time; fucking on the counter of a bar bathroom with Jane fully clothed and Maura barely able to touch her, but it didn’t matter. While Maura was big on romance, nothing could take away from the amazing feeling of Jane finally being inside of her. She filled her completely, more than any man ever could. It’s like every inch of her body is alive as fire races under her skin and clouds her mind with nothing else besides the feel of Jane’s skin, her lips, her fingers. Then again, that may just be the alcohol, but it felt too good for her to care either way.

Maura moves her hips frantically against Jane’s hand, gasping as she struggles to hold onto any part of her lover that she can reach. She keeps repeating, “Jane, Jane,” like a plea, a promise, a need. Her shoe is dangling off her foot and with one more hard push from Jane; it clatters to the ground, forgotten, as Maura cries out her name again and struggles to intake enough air between moans to keep her conscious.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jane whispers in her ear between moans of her own; her deep, raspy voice sending a chill of desire down Maura’s spine. Jane’s fingers curl inside of her and Maura moans loudly, slamming one hand against the wall as she arches her back. She’s so close, God she’s so close that she feels like she’s flying. She whimpers and digs her nails into Jane’s arm as her inner walls clench around the brunette’s fingers, needing release more than she needed oxygen at this point.

And then the bathroom door slams open.

Jane’s off of her and out of her so quickly it makes Maura gasp in shock and confusion before she realizes what it was she just heard and whips her head around to face the bathroom door. It was like being ripped away from the perfect dream before crashing head first into reality. And God did it hurt, not just emotionally, but physically. She was this close to getting off before she got hit in the face with a metaphorical bag of bricks.

No. This can’t be happening right now.

Maura can’t even move. It’s like she’s frozen in place. The only thing that can be heard is the sound of Jane and Maura’s erratic breathing as they both stare at Maggie who’s looking at them like she isn’t in the least bit surprised. She does let out a short, scornful laugh though before her face hardens and she takes a shot at Jane. She hits her clear across the jaw, splitting Jane’s lip with her ring.

And then Maggie just leaves without another word or even a look at either of them. It’s like it didn’t even matter enough to fight about more than that. She knew what was between her and Maura was over; that much was perfectly clear.

Jane doesn’t go after her; she probably knows she at least deserved that from Maggie. She swears, “fuck,” as she holds her hand up to her bloody lip. She pulls her hand away, looking at the crimson liquid on her fingers before she looks at Maura. They lock eyes, but neither say anything. Maura realizes that was the hand Jane was using to fuck her; she must have just tasted her on her fingers when she put them up to her lips.

The look on Jane’s face is unreadable and it scares Maura half to death. She wishes she could say something, but her throat feels dry. What may have been only a few seconds pass, but it feels like a lifetime. Finally Jane’s eyes search the bathroom; the scene in front of her. Maura feels her stomach sink. “Fuck,” Jane repeats, this time louder as she looks at Maura.

She practically runs out of the bathroom.

“Jane!” Maura calls, sliding off the counter and almost falling from the strength her legs don’t seem to have. “Damnit,” she swears, kicking off the remains of her tattered underwear and kicking them across the bathroom. They didn’t matter. She fixes her skirt and slips back on her heels though before she runs out of the bathroom just in time to see Jane run out of the front door.

“Dr. Isles!” Frost calls, no doubt confused as to why both of them are running out of the bar, but she doesn’t reply. She has to find Jane.

When she exits the bar she looks erratically both left and right, expecting to see Jane retreating down the street. What she didn’t expect was to see Jane practically in front of her, slumped against the driver’s side door of her car, one arm over the hood and her head resting on top of it. Maura would have mistaken her for as a statue with how still she is, except she can see her chest rise and fall with each intake of breath.

“Jane?” Maura asks softly.

It takes a moment, but Jane finally looks up at her. Her expression is unreadable, however, and Maura feels herself holding her breath. They look at each other for awhile until Jane steps back, opens her car door and sits in the driver’s seat. Maura’s waiting for her to slam it and drive off, but she doesn’t. She just sits there silently. Maura takes that as her cue to get in the car too.

She slides in the passenger side and Jane finally closes her door after Maura. Silence.

Maura watches Jane, who seems to be staring out the windshield at nothing; lost in her own thoughts. Her lip is still bleeding and Maura bites her bottom lip, knowing that’s going to get infected if they don’t do something about it. God, Jane looks a wreck.

Maura grabs the water bottle in the cup holder and opens the glove compartment to find some McDonalds napkins. She grabs a couple and splashes some water on them before she turns to Jane, who still isn’t looking at her. “Jane?” she tries. “Come here; let me take care of your lip.”

Jane swallows and finally turns to her. Her eyes are so vacant; emotionless. It scares Maura a little. But she allows the ME to cup her cheek gently with one hand while the other dabs at the wound on her bottom lip. Jane flinches when Maura presses too hard and she apologizes in a whisper, “Sorry,” as she tries to be more careful.

Jane’s still eerily silent and Maura listens to her own voice break a little as she pleads, “Jane, please say something. You’re scaring me.”

“This is fucked,” is all Jane has to offer, finally. Maura knits her eyebrows together in confusion, not exactly knowing which part of the night she’s talking about (maybe all of it), but she doesn’t get to ask because Jane lets out a short laugh, like she’s actually amused by how not funny this entire situation is. “God, this is going to be worse than the tampon thing.”

“What?” Maura asks, finishing up on Jane’s lip. She pulls her hand away from her and looks her in the eyes.

“That fuckin’ tampon in the water bottle thing,” Jane explains in a voice that sounds far too detached. Then Maura remembers; when Jane joined the force, she got picked on by all the guys just for being a girl. One of the lower pranks was a tampon being shoved inside her water bottle. But that was years ago.

Maura blinks. She can’t seriously be comparing this to that, right? Jane’s like part of their family now. Korsak and Frost would never be horrible to her; they watch out for her. And besides, it’s not like this seemed like much of a surprise to either of them. But then again, Maura thinks Jane chose to believe everyone was oblivious. Now there’s no denying it though; not after the drunk scene Jane made in there. “Jane… you really can’t think that they –” Maura starts, but is cut off. Apparently this is not up for discussion; Jane just needs to get things out.

“My Ma’s gonna kill me,” she says, voice still sounding a bit hollow as she stares out the window. A few drops of rain splash on the windshield. It seemed oddly appropriate that it would start raining at a time like this. Jane’s voice noticeably cracks as she goes on, “You know, she’s always on about the grandkids; she wants me and Frankie to give her grandkids. For me to find a nice man and get married so Dad can walk me down the aisle. For me to live a life like she has. Happy and shit; normal.”

Maura just watches Jane in sadness. She never really thought about how hard it would be for Jane to come out. She never realized that that was the reason Jane was really scared. For Maura, it never mattered. Sexuality was all relative and she didn’t much care what her parents thought of it. She was going to live her life the way she wanted to live it, no matter what. But for Jane… it was so much harder.

The rain starts pounding down on the car heavier now and Maura reaches over and puts her hand on top of Jane’s; comforting. She can feel her shaking underneath her. “My dad’s probably gonna fuckin’ disown me.” Her voice hitches more and its obvious Jane is struggling not to cry. She locks her jaw and stares out at the rain; never one to willingly give into that weakness. Because to her, it was. Maura holds on to her hand tighter. She knows not to say anything; Jane needed to get things out.

“And Frankie… he jokes about it, but I doubt he’d really fuckin’ understand if his sister turned out to be a dyke,” Jane goes on. Maura can hear the lump in her throat as she struggles to say the words without breaking down.

“Jane, don’t call yourself that,” Maura says softly.

“Why?” Jane exclaims, looking at her. “I am, aren’t I? It’s just like everyone’s always fuckin’ said: I screw around with guys just to create the illusion that I’m straight. To fit in, whatever. Fuck, Maura, you don’t get it, do you? All of them; they were right. And I hate them for it!” Her bottom lip trembles so she hardens her face and turns away from Maura before untangling her hand from hers and using it to punch the steering wheel. Maura jumps as it honks.

“Jane… Jane,” Maura hushes, attempting to calm her. “They weren’t right. They were horrible to you about it; that isn’t right,” she tries to tell her, staying calm in hopes that Jane will. “You can’t help how you feel. None of us can.”

“Yeah? Well I should have been able to help not turning into a complete psychopath over you!” Jane exclaims, angry. “What the fuck have you done to me, Maura? I’ve never gotten into a bar fight in my life. I’ve never…” her voice breaks again, “I’ve never tried so hard in my life to prove that someone is mine. That’s not me. This is bullshit.”

“You’re drunk, Jane. We all do things –” Maura tries, but is cut off.

One, singular tear finally slips down Jane’s cheek and she looks at Maura. She looks so broken. “This wasn’t supposed to fucking happen, Maura!” she screams just before a loud sob escapes her lips. She’s shaking so much now that the sobs are racking through her entire body. “It’s like life just fucked me sideways and is laughing in my face!”

“Oh, Jane…” Maura says sympathetically as she quickly wraps Jane up in a tight embrace, cradling her; trying to protect her. Jane tries to get out of it, not wanting to be coddled as she’s already crying and feeling the weakest she’s ever felt in her life. But Maura holds onto her tightly, trying to calm her. “It’s okay Jane, it’ll be okay.”

“No it fucking won’t,” Jane sobs into her shoulder, giving up on fighting Maura for space. She wraps her arms around her and grasps her shirt as she shakes and cries. “My family’s gonna disown me,” she mumbles against her neck, so much fear showing through her voice that it breaks Maura’s heart.

“Jane, I love you, okay?” Maura tries, her own voice hitching from emotion. But she’s strong; determined. “And no matter what happens I’ll always stand by you. I know… I know it’s not the same, I know it’s not much, but no matter what happens you will always have me,” she tells her, trying not to cry herself. She bites her lower lip and pushes Jane away from her only slightly, so she can look her at her. She cups her face with both of her hands, looking her in the eyes as her thumbs wipe away the brunette’s tears. “I love you, Jane,” she tells her, voice breaking as she leans in and kisses her before wrapping her up in another protective embrace. “More than anything else on this earth.”

Jane mumbles something through her crying that sounds like ‘I love you too’. It tears Maura apart to see Jane this way, but she meant what she said: she will always stand by her.

Because that’s what you do for someone you love. No matter what.

PART FIVE

CHAPTER NINE

First Getaway

The first time Maura and Jane really got away together was directly after the fiasco at the bar.

Jane and Maura both used their sick days they had acquired to take a long weekend, mostly because Jane just couldn’t face for the life of her to go back to work right now. What had gone down at the bar was not only embarrassing for both of them, but it also outed her to both Frost and Korsak because she was drunk and couldn’t keep her jealousy under control. Jane didn’t know how to handle that.

So Maura suggested that they just get away for a little while. Maura had a cabin up in Maine right off of Sebago Lake that she went to sometimes to get away from the world when things got too hectic. So they packed up the car and drove about four hours north, mostly in silence.

It broke Maura’s heart to see Jane this way. She’d always been so lively and fun, so to see her so introverted and unsure of everything was hard. Maura kept a tight grasp on her hand the whole way there, mostly just trying to let Jane know that she’s not going anywhere without actually breaking the silence that Jane seemed to become accustomed to.

The first day they were there, Jane mostly slept. It’s like she was trying to get away from the world that way. Maura let her though, knowing that this has been much more emotionally exhausting for her. Maura can’t even begin to imagine how Jane feels. To really believe her family would disown her because she was in love with a woman? Maura’s sure that Jane’s family wouldn’t do that; they were sensible people and they loved their daughter. But Jane feared it. A lot.

The next morning, Maura decided that sleeping fifteen hours was definitely enough for Jane; it was already bordering on depressive behavior and the last thing Jane needs is to slip into something like that. Maura opened the curtains wide, filling the bedroom with light. Jane groans, swears, then pulls the covers over her head.

“Come on Jane, get up,” Maura prods, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking down at the lump underneath the covers that is her girlfriend.

Girlfriend. Maura guesses that’s what they were now. They were definitely lovers. But Maura has yet to ask Jane if she even labels it like that. It probably wasn’t very important either way though.

Jane swears again and swats at her. She’s not a morning person. But Maura smiles, finding it endearing, and pokes the lump of covers. “It’s a beautiful day,” she coaxes.

“Fuck the day,” Jane mumbles. “I’m tired.” But Maura pokes her again, giggling as Jane growls. “C’mon, quit it, Maura!” she flips the covers off of her face and looks at her, grumpy. Her hair is everywhere and some of her makeup is smeared under her eyes, but she was the most beautiful thing Maura had ever seen.

“No, you need to get up. Nothing’s going to be accomplished with you lying in bed all day again,” Maura tells her, poking her again. Jane looks at her disgruntled.

“If you don’t quit pokin’ me you’re gonna be sorry,” she warns. Maura raises her eyebrow in amusement.

“Oh, really?”

“Really.”

“I doubt that,” Maura says, poking Jane again. The brunette swats at her. “Come on, we can go to the lake or something.” Another poke.

“Oh my god, quit!” Jane exclaims with a small laugh before grabbing Maura’s arms and pulling her over her and into bed. Maura squeals in surprise, giggling. Jane holds her hands against the mattress firmly, not about to let Maura poke her anymore. Maura gives her a lopsided grin and Jane rolls her eyes playfully. “Why can’t you just let me sit here and wallow in my own shit?”

“Because we’re on vacation,” Maura answers simply. “And sunshine will do you good.”

“I hate the sun.”

“Says the woman that’s so tan.”

“I’m Italian.”

“I’ve seen pale Italians,” Maura reasons, then wiggles out of Jane’s grasp to lean up on her elbows, looking down at her. Jane squints as she looks at her, then shields her face from the sun glaring through the window with her hand. Maura watches her sigh.

“Maura, I…” she starts softly. “I just… I don’t want to get up. Not… yet.” The way she says it means so much more than just out of bed. Maura looks at her sympathetically and wipes the hair from Jane’s brow before caressing her cheek.

“You can’t hide from the world forever, Jane.”

“I could. Technically.”

“Then you’d have to give up your job, and you love your job.”

Jane purses her lips, contemplating that. But both of them know it’s true, so instead of retorting, Jane sighs long and loud, grabbing the covers and pulling them over both their heads forcefully. “Not yet,” she tells her again. Her eyes search for Maura’s under the darkness of the blanket and she requests, “Just… y’know. Stay with me. For a bit. Or… whatever.” She sounds so unsure of herself and Maura hates that.

Maura gives her a small smile, raising her hand to slide her fingers gently down Jane’s face, tracing her jaw. “I’ll stay with you for as long as you want me,” she says softly, honestly.

Jane’s eyes meet hers, staring intently at her as if trying to figure out the hidden ‘but’ in that sentence that doesn’t actually exist. She takes a nervous breath while she brings her hand up to grasp Maura’s that’s resting on her cheek before leaning over and pressing her lips softly against hers. It’s a short kiss, but it’s more than perfect. When they break, Maura smiles at her.

“See, this isn’t so scary, is it?” she asks in a whisper, using her thumb to caress the back of Jane’s hand that she’s holding.

“It’s fucking terrifying,” Jane admits automatically, before dropping her eyes so she doesn’t have to look at her anymore after admitting such a personal thing. But she doesn’t move away or let go of Maura’s hand either. If anything, she grips it a little tighter. “I wish this didn’t feel so good,” she reveals quietly, more to herself than Maura.

Maura knows that probably shouldn’t hurt since she understands Jane’s fears, but it does. “Because you’re ashamed to be with me,” Maura tells her. Not a question, a statement.

Jane sighs heavily, pushing the covers off of their heads. “That’s not… that’s not it,” Jane says, sounding a little frustrated that Maura would jump to that conclusion. She rolls over, having her back face Maura. She stares at the wall.

Maura frowns, scooting over a little to position herself against Jane’s back. Propping her head up with her hand as she leans on elbow, she looks down at her, tracing the dip in Jane’s hip with her fingers and asks, “Then what?”

Jane takes a breath as she continues to stare at the wall. “I’m not ashamed to be with you, Maura. I just… I dunno. I guess I wanna maybe not exactly… tell people yet?” she says it so unsurely, like she’s afraid of how Maura’s going to react. “Y’know? I mean, maybe I just want something that for once is just… mine.” She turns her head to look at Maura, looking a little worried to see her reaction.

“You mean your family,” Maura says flatly, filling in the blanks. “Because you have to know that Korsak and Frost have already put two and two together.”

Jane groans at that thought and pulls the covers over her head again. Maura doesn’t go under there with her though; she just sits there thinking. She’s hurt still, but is attempting to rationalize it for Jane’s sake. The last thing they need is another fight. She swallows. “So… you really don’t… want your family to know about me? Us?” she asks finally.

Jane takes the covers off of her head, looking at Maura sympathetically because of how sad she sounded. “C’mon, Maura, don’t sound like that… I mean, they already know about you. They know we’re friends. It’s not like I’m gonna shun you from my family or anything. I just… I can’t tell them yet. I don’t even know what the fuck we’re doing yet.”

“We’re together,” Maura answers. Then she knits her eyebrows together in confusion. “Aren’t we?”

“I don’t know,” Jane says, letting out a breath. She looks at the ceiling. “We probably shouldn’t be.”

“Why?” Maura asks, not even bothering to hide her surprise and upset over that sentence.

“Because I’m gonna break your heart,” Jane tells her honestly, looking over at her sadly. She shrugs, like it’s a known fact of the universe and everyone just has to live with it. She nods her head at her and then her face changes to one of self loathing. “Look at what I already put you through, Maura.”

“Nothing worth having is ever easy,” Maura tells her firmly. Then she curls up her lip in aggravation before hitting Jane on the arm. Hard.

“Ow! What the hell, Maura?!” Jane exclaims, looking at her like she lost her mind as she rubs the offended area.

“You’re an idiot,” Maura tells her flatly. Jane looks offended. “Look at what you already put me though? This is what you keep putting me through, Jane; your ‘will I, won’t I’ contradictory behavior. If you just stop being so stupid and accept some sort of semblance of happiness for once, maybe you won’t break my heart after all.”

“Maybe I don’t know how to be happy,” Jane retorts, still rubbing her arm. She scowls at her a little for the violence.

Maura rolls her eyes as she pushes the covers all the way off of both of them before sitting up and throwing a leg over Jane to sit astride her stomach. She looks down at her while Jane raises her eyebrows. “What are you doing?”

“Making you pay attention,” Maura tells her as she grabs Jane’s wrists, pinning her arms to the bed. Jane’s eyebrow arches further. “Are you paying attention now?”

“Well, I was before you decided to go all dominatrix on me. Now this is a little distracting.”

Maura ignores the comment and looks at her seriously. “Do you know what’ll make you happy?” she asks.

Jane takes in their position, eyes sweeping over Maura’s body before they return to her face. “Orgasms?” she asks hopefully. Maura giggles.

“Probably, but that wasn’t what I was referring to.”

“Can it be?” Jane asks with a smirk.

Maura laughs. “Why Jane Rizzoli, are you telling me you’re turned on right now?” She stokes the insides of Jane’s wrists softly with her fingers, smirking at her as she leans down, pressing her breasts to hers as their faces come within an inch of each other.

Jane’s breathing gets a little shallower as she noticeably stares at Maura’s lips. “Yeah,” she tells her in a low voice. It was a welcome distraction from talking about feelings for Jane, and Maura knew it. But she allows it for a moment, biting her lower lip softly, teasingly. She leans in slowly, but when her lips come into contact with hers it’s only brief. Suddenly she’s sitting up again, still pinning down Jane’s arms.

“Well, that’s good. I was planning on going down on you in a minute. But first I want to finish our conversation,” she informs her. Jane blinks.

“Maura!” she exclaims, frustrated. “You just totally ruined the moment. You –ugh. How the hell do you ever manage to get laid?”

“Well, usually I get spontaneously fucked up against a bathroom counter by jealous drunk women,” Maura answers sarcastically.

“Funny,” Jane deadpans.

“I thought so.”

Jane lets out a long, frustrated sigh. “Fine. Finish the damn conversation.”

“No, now you’re grumpy,” Maura tells her. “And I don’t really want to go down on someone who’s grumpy, either.”

“You –arg! Maura! Fine, nevermind,” Jane snaps, annoyed and clearly very sexually frustrated as she tries to sit up. She gets about an inch off the bed before Maura gathers more of her strength and pins her to the mattress again quickly, holding her there. Jane raises her eyebrows. “Okay, you’re deceptively strong.”

Maura smirks.

Jane narrows her eyes at her, then they widen a little as she realizes something. “Oh my god. You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”

Maura giggles, “Call it payback for being so indecisive all the time.” She wasn’t going to force Jane to talk if she didn’t want to, it’d probably just lead to a fight. Besides, sex was an allowable substitution. One that Maura doesn’t know that she could say no to either.

“That’s not fair,” Jane complains.

“Mmm…” Maura purrs as she once again slowly slides the top half of her body against Jane’s to bring her face closer to hers. Jane’s oversized tee rides up a little, exposing her cute little boyshorts that Maura can’t wait to slide off of her. She shifts her hips down a little, positioning her own underwear–clad center against hers. She bites her lip, suppressing a groan as she feels the heat radiating from Jane’s core. “You know what’s not fair?” she breathes against her lips before rolling her hips into Jane. The woman beneath her whimpers; such an unJane–like sound. It makes Maura grin wickedly.

“What?” Jane asks, breathing becoming a shallow again from the feel of Maura on top of her. She tries to move her hands to touch her, but Maura tightens her grip, not allowing her to move.

Maura ghosts her lips across Jane’s, but when the brunette goes to kiss her she pulls back a little with a devious smirk on her face. She slides her lips along her jaw line all the way to her ear before whispering, “I never got an orgasm the last time you fucked me.” Her tongue traces the shell of Jane’s ear, making the detective squirm beneath her. “So do you know what I had to do?” she breathes, voice husky with desire.

Yes, she does plan to drive Jane crazy. Why do you ask?

“Hm?” she presses, rolling her hips into her. The friction sends sparks right to Jane’s core and Maura watches her stifle a moan. She’s breathing heavily now; chest rising and falling at such a rapid rate. She already knows what Maura did.

“Jesus. You’re going to tell me, aren’t you?” Jane gasps as Maura’s tongue flicks out at her earlobe again teasingly. “I take it back; you obviously know how to get laid.”

Maura giggles a little before she groans into her ear, knowing the vibrations will drive Jane absolutely insane. Jane whimpers again, trying to get loose. But Maura’s holding her there firmly with no plans of letting her go just yet. “After you dropped me off,” she starts in a heated whisper. “I got in the shower. I couldn’t stop thinking about you; about how you felt inside me…” Jane groans softly, closing her eyes as she let’s Maura speak her dirty little obscenities in her ear. “So what do you think I did, Jane? Hm?” She starts kissing her neck.

“You fucked yourself,” Jane answers breathlessly. Maura bites down on the junction where her neck and shoulder meet and she groans, “Jesus, Maura…”

Maura’s lips are pressed to her ear again suddenly, rolling her hips into her hard as she tells her with every ounce control that she has in her, “Can you picture it, Jane? In the shower, fingers buried inside of myself, screaming out your name? God, I wanted to taste you so bad; touch you, devour you completely. It drove me insane…”

Maura’s never been shy when it comes to sex. She’s studied the human body, but more importantly she’s studied human reactions. She may be labeled as socially awkward in society because of her unwavering habit to constantly be truthful, but for some reason that works wonders in the bedroom. The things people don’t normally talk about get released in there, and yeah, she knows exactly what to talk about to get people going. And Jane? Well, Jane, who feels so completely helpless in her life right now, just needs someone to take control, and Maura can do that. Very well, in fact.

It can’t be about love, about connecting to each other. Maura knows Jane well enough to know that would scare the crap out of her right now.

“You’re driving me insane,” Jane tells her breathlessly, each word laced with need and desire; almost pleading. “Fuck, Maura, just –”

“What?” Maura asks, interrupting. She giggles softly in her ear, enjoying this control. “Fuck you?”

“Yes!” Jane exclaims, frustration boiling over to the point of no return. “I don’t care how you fuck me at this point; just fuck me!”

Maura smirks as she sits up, hovering over Jane. She still isn’t letting her move an inch. “Hm. Now you’ve made me sorry I didn’t bring my toys.”

Jane looks at her in disbelief for a moment before she lets out a short laugh. “Shit, you’re kinky, aren’t you?”

Maura looks at her innocently. “Are you complaining?”

“Not at all,” Jane breathes as she looks over her lover like she’d like to lick every inch of her body. “Just… unexpected…” she struggles to say as Maura rolls her hips into her again, closing her eyes and biting her lower lip as she enjoys the friction against her clit. She lets out a little sound that makes Jane instantly press her thighs together hard, trying to dull the throbbing between her own legs. “Oh my god, you’re planning to kill me, aren’t you? I’m really sorry I dicked you around for so long, Maura. Come on…” Yes, Jane Rizzoli was actually begging now.

Maura chuckles as she opens her eyes and looks down at her. “Maybe this isn’t about payback anymore,” she tells her with a wicked grin. “Maybe I just like to hear you beg.”

“Maybe I’ve just started sleeping with the devil,” Jane retorts, voice heavy with need. “Because this is just evil.”

“Do you want your control back, Jane?” Maura asks innocently before leaning back down and looking her dead in the eyes. Her own breathing is labored; she’s far past the point of turned on right now herself. She can feel Jane’s heavy breathing against her lips and she goes on softly, teasingly, “Do you want me to let you go? Because I don’t think you do.” She nips at her bottom lip gently as she whispers, “I think you like struggling beneath me. I think you like the tease. I think you want me to tell you what to do; when to get off. I think the thought of that alone makes you burn with need and makes you feel sexier; succumbing to someone else when all your life it’s been other’s falling to their knees around you.” She watches Jane swallow and she arches an eyebrow at her. “So tell me Jane; do you want me to let you go?”

“No,” Jane tells her instantly, though it’s barely audible because her throat is so dry. Maura silently congratulates herself of turning Jane into an incompetent pile of sexually frustrated goo beneath her.

“I didn’t think so,” she whispers before she leans in, kissing her hard. Jane groans into her mouth, arching her back off the bed to try to get as much contact with Maura as she can. The detective’s mouth becomes more insistent; more wanting, as her tongue duels with hers for dominance that they both already know that Maura has.

Maura’s tongue sneaks out and teases her bottom lip before taking the succulent flesh between her teeth and biting down, emitting a low, guttural moan from the brunette beneath her. She breaks the kiss takes Jane’s hands in hers; guiding them to grasp the headboard rails as she whispers against her lips, “Hold onto this. Don’t let go and don’t touch me until I say so.” Jane nods mutely.

Maura sits up, looking her straight in the eyes as she grasps the hem of her nightshirt and pulls it over her head, exposing her breasts to Jane’s hungry eyes. She bites her tongue in amusement as she watches Jane noticeably try to gain some relief from the tension between her legs. She loops her thumb around her lacy underwear and watches Jane’s eyes focus there almost instantly; breathless and waiting. So Maura pauses, building the tension.

“Maura,” Jane gasps, impatient.

“What? I was just thinking,” Maura says innocently, because she was: about how long it would take Jane to give into her impatience. It was about fifteen seconds.

“Think later. Naked now,” Jane demands. Maura smirks.

She doesn’t tease her any longer though. She slowly slides down her underwear, getting off of her for a second to be able to completely pull it from her body. Then suddenly she’s on her again, straddling Jane’s stomach, her scorching heat connecting with Jane’s flesh. “Shit,” Jane breathes, feeling how wet she is. She grasps the handles of the headboard firmly, trying to remind herself that she’s not supposed to move to touch her.

Maura slides Jane’s night shirt up further as she leans down, kissing every bit of exposed flesh she can reach as she makes her way up her body. Her nails drag up her ribs, leaving goose bumps in their wake that Maura diminishes with the heat of her mouth. She didn’t want to rush; she wanted to savor every bit of Jane’s skin, relish in every moment that she gets to touch her. She pushes the shirt up further, exposing Jane’s breasts to the cool air. She feels her own breathing shallow for a moment before she wastes no time at all wrapping her lips around one of those perfect, dusky pink nipples.

The sound of Jane groaning in pleasure was fast becoming one of Maura’s favorite sounds. Her voice is so low; so husky already, but when she was turned on it was scratchier; more guttural. It’s like she was speaking from her abdomen rather than from her chest. Maybe even lower than that. Maura purrs against her skin before letting her tongue flick teasingly over the nipple she had captured. Jane groans, arching her back into her as Maura kisses the underside of her breast softly.

Jane’s skin was like silk and Maura enjoyed every inch of it as her hand slides over her ribs, down to dip into the curve of her hips, and lower to grasp the hem of her boyshorts. She pulls them down, not all the way, but just a little as she slips her thigh between her legs, pressing against her center. Jane gasps and tightens her grip on the headboard as she rocks her hips into her. “Fuck, Maura…”

“Getting there,” Maura mumbles against her skin as she slides her body down hers, kissing every inch as she goes. As she makes her decent she pulls Jane’s underwear from her body until it’s pooled around her feet. Jane kicks it off impatiently before spreading her legs, allowing Maura to situate herself between them. Maura looks up at her; seeing her flushed, wet, wanting, needing. She knows she stopped breathing a little as she takes her in, but when she starts to feel a bit lightheaded, she takes a much needed breath.

Oh god, Jane was so beautiful.

Their last encounter was rushed; desperate. Barely any clothing was removed and it was all about the heat of the moment. But this… this was different. They could see all of each other and pause to take a moment to appreciate it; soak it up and feel how much more intimate this encounter was, and how much more exposed and vulnerable each of them feel. It’s a scary feeling, but Maura wouldn’t trade it for the world. If she’s going to be vulnerable around someone, than she’s glad it’s Jane.

Maura bites her lower lip as she settles between legs on her stomach, leaning in to kiss the inside of her thigh. Jane lets out a breath and strains her hips towards her, but Maura pauses, needing a moment to gather up her courage. For all of her talk, this kind of terrified her. She can figure out the logistics involved in fucking Jane with her fingers because she’s done it to herself so many times before. But this? She’s never done this. She knows the basic concept; she’s had men do it to her before, of course. But most of them were sloppy and didn’t know up from down and her clit from her lips, and she didn’t want to screw this up with Jane.

She’s nervous.

“Maura, please,” Jane begs, looking down at her lover who’s not doing much at all anymore. She’s completely stopped. Maura looks up at her.

“I’m a little scared,” she admits softly. She bites her bottom lip self–consciously as she slides one of her hands up Jane’s thigh, watching it trail up her skin. Her heart is pounding about a million miles an hour.

Jane takes a breath, trying to calm herself down enough to help Maura when she’s feeling vulnerable. She licks her lips as she thinks. Then she tells her honestly, “I guess I would be too, if I were down there.”

Well, that didn’t help much.

Maura looks up at her again, making a little face of disgruntlement as she says, “What if I’m… bad?” That makes Jane laugh. “Hey!” Maura exclaims, resenting being laughed at right now.

“Fuck, Maura,” Jane says, through her laughter. “You seriously don’t know how turned on I am right now, do you? I’m pretty sure the second your tongue is on me I’m gonna cum all over your face anyway.” Maura raises an eyebrow, smirking a bit from that very blunt and beautifully pained visual.

“I think I’d like that,” she tells her. Her grip on Jane’s thigh tightens a little as she guides her to spread her legs a little further. She looks down at her, licking her bottom lip. She so desperately want to taste her. Jane’s completely soaked and pink from all the blood rushing downwards, engorging her clit and making her look absolutely mouth watering. She takes a breath, finding it’s shallow. “You’ll… tell me if I’m bad, right?” she looks up at her. “Because I can’t get better unless you tell me I’m bad, nobody’s perfect the first time they do anything, and while I am a very fast learner, I –”

“Oh my god, Maura! Just fuck me, please!” Jane exclaims, no more patience left in her.

“Alright, alright,” Maura says, feeling incredibly rushed. She knows Jane’s about to metaphorically implode from sexual frustration though, so she takes a breath, gathering her courage. The smell of Jane when she inhales totally overwhelms her senses though and she knows she can’t put it off any longer. Pushing away her fears, she finally slips her tongue through Jane’s folds, using her fingers to spread her lips so she can easily access more of the area which – Jesus – tasted like honey and something so distinctly Jane.

And oh my God the sound she makes. It’s halfway between an animalistic growl and a moan and it gives Maura the courage she needs to stop being tentative with her exploration. She moans against her, vibrating Jane in all the best ways. The brunette gasps, grabbing into the headboard rail so hard it cracks beneath her grip as she pushes her hips further into her face. “Shit, Maura,” she pants. “Oh my god.”

Jane cries out again; her name, Maura’s name, falling from her lips in ecstasy and abandonment as she surrenders herself to her. Maura knows she told her not to move her hands from the rails, but when she feels one of Jane’s tangle itself in her hair in encouragement, she’s not about to stop it.

Maura’s tongue maps every dip and curve that Jane’s sex has to offer her, suddenly feeling the need to memorize it. Her tongue flicks against her hard, protruding clit and Jane gasps before it turns into another long moan of pleasure. God, Maura could go down on her for hours. She can’t even remember why she was nervous in the first place. Clearly Jane’s enjoying it by the way she pants Maura’s name and tugs on her hair, gripping her like letting go would crash her right back down to earth far too soon. It was intoxicating and yeah, it made her feel powerful to have Jane’s pleasure depend on her.

When she slips a solitary finger inside Jane, she feels her clench around her instantly. Jane takes a heavy breath between moans before gasping, “Maura… come up here.” Maura stops what she’s doing to look at her, confused. After all, wasn’t she doing it right? Sounded like it. Jane opens her eyes, chest heaving as she explains, “I want to touch you.”

Maura smiles as she climbs up Jane’s body, quickly capturing her lips in another deep kiss. She slips another finger inside of Jane as the brunette moans at the taste of herself on the ME’s lips. Instantly her hands are on her, touching her everywhere. Fire races under Maura’s skin and her eyes blacken with lust as she pushes into her, loving the way Jane’s inner muscles rippled around her fingers.

“Fuck,” Jane gasps. “Harder, Maura… oh Jesus fuckin’ mppffhh –” Jane’s string of curses are cut off by Maura plunging her tongue into her mouth again, needing to drink up everything that Jane is. Maura pulls out and then slides three fingers into Jane again; deeper, harder. Jane cries out loudly against her lips before her own hand slides between their bodies to cup Maura’s own dripping sex.

Maura whimpers as Jane slides her fingers over her clit, shooting sparks all through her body that felt like firecrackers dancing over every inch of her skin. She’s slick with sweat, but so is Jane as she rolls her hips behind her hand, using the extra leverage to penetrate her deeper. Maura’s free hand roams everywhere; needing to relish in every perfection, every flaw of her lover’s body. She cries out loudly though once Jane’s own fingers slide deep inside of her, not realizing how close she herself was from falling over the edge until she felt Jane fill her.

“Jane,” she breathes against her lips, just needing to say her name; needing to voice out loud that this is her making her feel this way, that this is her beneath her, wet and breathless from passion. Her mouth once again bruises Jane’s with the sheer intensity behind her need as they both pant, moan, gasp against each other’s lips as they bring each other closer to oblivion.

Maura rests her forehead against Jane’s as she shuts her eyes, pleasure overwhelming her. Jane’s palm has started applying pressure to her clit and she gasps hard, knowing she’s about to lose it any second now. “Jane, Jane,” she breathes over and over. “Oh god, Jane…” She loves saying her name, loves feeling this way because of her. She curls her fingers inside of her and in something resembling a small explosion, she feels Jane’s muscles start contracting uncontrollably around her fingers as the brunette screams, instinctively curling her fingers inside of Maura as she cums; pressing hard against her g spot and allowing Maura to come tumbling over the edge after her.

It’s like a high Maura’s never experienced before, much better than any drug could ever give anyone. She doesn’t know how long they laid there; Maura on top of Jane, fingers still inside each other. They’re breathless and spent, basking in the feeling of each other.

“Shit,” Jane swears finally, out of breath, breaking the silence. Maura giggles a little. “I should have started fucking you a long time ago.”

Maura smirks, moving a little so they can both untangle themselves from each other enough to get their hands back. Then she settles in next to Jane, lying her head on her breast as she throws an arm over her. She takes a deep breath, soaking up the scent of their encounter together. “Mmm…” she purrs, tracing her fingers over each of Jane’s ribs. “Yeah, you really should have.”

Jane just laughs.

CHAPTER TEN

First Lesbian Relationship

The first time Jane actually called Maura her girlfriend was at the end of their vacation in Maine.

As per usual, with the start of most relationships, a lot of the time they spent together was in each other’s bed. Sex seemed to be about the only thing that didn’t freak Jane out, oddly enough. Jane never said much, but Maura knew that being in a relationship with her, on some level still freaked her out. There would be times when things would be perfect and then without warning Jane would pull away from her; withdraw. Even miles away from home and everyone they knew, Jane couldn’t fully relax and give into just feeling connected. She was always on guard, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But being in a relationship with Jane was surprisingly easy. Not that Maura thought it would be difficult, per say, but when you get into a relationship sometimes a lot of things change. It didn’t seem to be that way with Jane. They were back to being the best friends they were before, only with a lot more touching. The touching was definitely one of Maura’s favorite parts.

“Hey,” Maura says, wrapping her arms around Jane’s torso and leaning her head on her shoulder, looking out at the forest. Jane’s leaning on the railing of her balcony, staring off into space, but when she feels Maura behind her she cover’s Maura’s hands with her own and leans back into her. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking about shooting that deer over there,” Jane tells her flatly.

“Jane!” Maura exclaims; horrified as her eyes land on the deer that’s innocently minding its own business, unaware of the violence Jane’s planning on it.

Jane laughs. “What? I’m in Maine. Kinda figure I should shoot a deer or something. Maybe a moose.”

Maura swats her arm. “Don’t you dare.”

Jane smirks, turning around to lean her back against the balcony railing as she faces Maura. “Relax, it’s not like I have a gun.” She pauses as she reevaluates that sentence. “Well, not a hunting rifle.”

“You better not.”

“Not like I’d have any place to stash it even if I did. I didn’t bring a whole lot to this little outing,” Jane replies. She takes a breath, her eyes surveying their quaint little getaway cabin. She makes a face. “Y’know, just kinda… threw some shit together and ran.”

Maura frowns a little as she watches Jane quickly spiral into one of her self–loathing moods. She cups Jane’s face in her hands, making her pay attention to her. She gives her a small smile before leaning up and kissing her softly on the lips. When she pulls back she looks her in the eyes, still cupping her face, and whispers, “Is it selfish if I say that I’m glad you ran away with me?”

Jane’s lips twitch into the smallest of smiles, but her eyes twinkle as she tells her, “Yeah.” Maura tries to suppress her amused grin. She shakes her head a little as she takes Jane’s hand in hers and starts walking her, pulling her along.

“Come on.”

“Where are we going?” Jane asks, confused. She tries to grab her beer that’s resting on the railing but with one hard pull from Maura she swipes for it and misses it completely. “Hey!”

“You don’t need that,” Maura tells her as she pulls her down the balcony steps. “You’ve been drinking too much lately.”

“Hey, I think I’m entitled. Going through a lot here,” Jane retorts, motioning to herself in an overdramatic manner with the hand she still has free. Maura ignores her and keeps pulling her down the path. Jane almost trips on a rock. “Oh my god, Maura, you’re gonna fuckin’ kill me with all this pulling! Where the hell are we going?”

Maura stops, making Jane stop short. She turns, a disapproving look on her face. “Jane, you’re very intelligent.” Jane looks at her confused.

“So why are you looking at me like I’m doing something wrong then?”

“Because,” Maura says, sighing a little. “When you swear like that it makes it sound like you aren’t very intelligent at all.” Jane raises her eyebrows in disbelief. “And you never use to swear this much. Lately you’ve been using them too much in your everyday speech and I believe it’s because you’re generally not very happy with the world and I kind of hate that.” Maura purses her lips together as she looks at her. “It… it upsets me.”

“My swearing upsets you?” Jane asks, like she can’t figure out for the life of her why.

“No, the reasons you’re doing it upsets me,” Maura corrects. She sighs, knowing this conversation probably won’t lead to any change, but she needed to get it out that it bothered her. Unfortunately, she thinks the only thing that’ll help is Jane feeling happier in life. But she’s been so upset over admitting that she’s gay and now she’s scared of how other people will take it, so that doesn’t exactly equal happiness. No matter how much happiness Maura gives her, that’s still looming over her head. Maura gives her a small smile and requests, “Just please try to make an effort to tone it down… okay?”

“You know you’re startin’ to sound like my Ma,” Jane says, trying to make the situation lighter with a joke. Maura just looks at her pointedly. “Okay, okay, fine. I’ll try to quit doing it so much if it bothers you,” Jane relents, though not without a little huff.

“Thank you,” Maura replies, smiling. She grips Jane’s hand tighter. “Come on.”

Jane starts following her and calls out, “And hey! I know you like it when I swear during sex.” Maura smirks, but doesn’t turn around to let Jane see it.

“That’s different.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Jane says, amused. Maura tries to suppress a giggle as she leads her down the path to the lake. “You wanna go swimming?” Jane asks as she takes in the surroundings with a tone of distaste.

“What’s wrong with swimming?”Maura asks, turning to look at her. “I thought you loved swimming.”

“Yeah, in a pool. Not in a lake where fish shit,” Jane tells her. Maura gives her a disapproving look and Jane rolls her eyes. “I’m sorry, not where there are fish feces.”

“So you like swimming pools?”

“Yes.”

“Where seventeen percent of adults report they urinate? And that’s not taking in account the children, or the toddlers whose swimming diapers are filled with feces that will leak out and spread throughout the water.”

Jane’s face contorts into disgust. “Oh my god, I am never swimming again.”

“Yes, you are,” Maura tells her. “And just so you know, both fresh and salt bodies of water are much cleaner than pools.” She nudges Jane with her arms and smirks before grabbing the hem of her shirt and pulling it off over her head. “Come on, get naked.”

Jane quirks an eyebrow, “You don’t want to swim, you just want easy access.” Maura chuckles.

She snaps off her bra with an easy flick of her fingers and slides it off of her as she leans up to whisper in Jane’s ear, “You make it sound like I usually have a problem getting access.” She smirks and captures Jane’s earlobe between her teeth playfully, feeling a shiver go through Jane’s body before finishing huskily, “And you know that’s not true.” She watches Jane exhale the breath she was holding before she giggles, pulling away from her and shimmying out of her skirt and underwear. “Now come on, I want to see you wet and naked.” She says it so innocently, but winks at her before taking off down the bank.

“Well we don’t need to go swimming for that!” Jane calls out after her, frustrated as Maura laughs and jumps into the water. Sometimes she enjoys teasing Jane just to watch how flustered she gets. For how self confident she is usually, she still can’t for the life of her actually initiate sex with Maura. She’ll suggest it, or hint at it, but she never makes the first move. It’s a little endearing, actually.

Of course there was that one time when she was drunk, but then again, when Jane’s drunk, she’s more ‘do first and ask questions later’. Sober she has a few more hesitations, and even though she knows that she can have sex with Maura any time she likes, she seems a little shy about it. Maura’s never seen Jane shy about anything in her life, so she’s enjoying this phase while it lasts and having a little bit of fun with it.

When Maura comes up from the water she’s immediately splashed in the face by Jane jumping in. She squeals in surprise, though it turns into a yelp once she feels arms wrap around her torso and she’s pulled under. When she comes back up she splashes Jane, who sputters as she gets some in her mouth. Maura giggles and tries to swim away from her, knowing she’s in trouble when Jane yells, “UGH! I probably just got fish shit in my mouth!” She points at her warningly, yet playfully. “You’re in trouble.”

“No, Jane, c’mon,” Maura pleads as she swims backwards from her, trying to keep a straight face but failing miserably. Jane comes after her and Maura exclaims, giggling, “It was an accident!”

“Bullshit!” Jane calls with a smirk. Maura tries to splash her again but it doesn’t reach far enough.

“Language! Jane, if you don’t watch what you say it can become habit forming and hard to stop.”

Jane just twitches her eyebrow at her playfully before diving under the water. Maura tries to swim away frantically, but she knows it’s no use. With Jane’s long arms and muscular body, it would only be a matter of time until she catches up. Suddenly Jane comes up from the water directly in front of her, startling Maura so bad she screams. Jane laughs.

“Bull–” she starts, wrapping her arms around Maura’s torso to keep her from going anywhere.

“Jane! No!” Maura begs, but she knows it’s useless from the conquering look in Jane’s eyes as she finishes:

“–shit,” just as she dunks her.

When Maura resurfaces she pushes Jane playfully, “I hate you.”

“Lies,” Jane says with a chuckle. She pushes her wet hair out of her face and then freezes as he hand hits something. “Maura,” she says, wide eyed and very serious. “Tell me there is not a huge water cockroach or something on my head.” Maura can’t help but laugh by how afraid she sounds. “MAURA!”

“Jane, relax,” Maura says, swimming closer to her. She reaches up and picks the offending object out of her hair, holding it up. “It’s a leaf. I don’t know how you could mistake that for an insect.”

Jane makes a face and snatches the leaf out of her hand, throwing it in the water. “Look, I’m all for sports, but I ain’t the ‘great outdoorsman’, okay? Bugs and shi–stuff,” she corrects off of Maura’s look, “ain’t my thing.”

Maura wraps her arms around Jane’s neck, looking up at her with sympathetic amusement. “Jane,” she starts, as if talking to a child. “You do realize that the bugs are probably much more scared of you than you are of them, right?”

“HEY! They… they crawl! It’s wicked gross!” Her hand flails around dramatically as she rants, then she shudders as if trying to shake them off of her. “Ugh. God, I don’t want to talk about bugs. Ew.” Another shudder runs through her body and Maura chuckles in amusement.

“So you definitely don’t want to know about the giant water bugs that reside in this part of North America then?” she teases.

“MAURA!” Jane exclaims, horrified. “No! Why would you–?! Oh my god. I’m getting out.” She tries to swim away but Maura grabs her, pulling her back towards her.

“No, come on, I was just teasing. More than likely we will not see any, I promise.” She leans up to kiss Jane on the nose, trying to be cute. Jane scowls at her. “Sorry, okay, new topic,” Maura starts, wrapping her arms around her again. “So if being outdoorsy isn’t your thing, then what is?” She runs her fingers through Jane’s wet locks, enjoying the feel of her hair. In all honesty, she already knows what Jane’s about to say, but she kind of just wants to touch her and listen to her voice. It doesn’t matter what she’s talking about, it’s just peaceful.

“Softball, baseball, soccer, football, wrestling. Just, hell, something physical. You know that.”

“There’s a golf course not too far from here,” Maura suggests. Jane looks at her like she lost her mind.

“Yeah,” she starts, sarcastically. “Because that’s physically demanding.”

“Hey, it’s a sport!” Maura defends.

Jane snorts, “Hardly.” She wraps her arms around Maura’s torso, pulling her flush against her. “Besides, we only got one more night here. Rather not waste it by hitting golf balls at rich people’s resort homes. On my salary I couldn’t afford the lawyer to even fight that crap in court.” She raises an eyebrow, a little smirk plastered on her face.

“Yeah?” Maura asks with a teasing smile as she continues to play with Jane’s hair. “So what do you want to do?” She already knows exactly what Jane wants to do, but it’s more fun this way.

Jane’s fingers trail down her back, then back up to brush over her hips, her sides, her ribs, and right under her breasts. Maura bites her lower lip, looking up at her under her lashes. Jane dips her head down and captures her lips in a soft kiss before whispering, “I kind of want to fuck you.”

“Only kind of?” Maura teases, playing with the ends of Jane’s hair. She playfully teases Jane’s bottom lip with her tongue before taking it between her teeth and nibbling on it.

“More than kind of,” Jane tells her, voice barely audible before she claims Maura’s mouth in a heated kiss, her grip on her tightening and drawing her in impossibly close. Maura groans into her mouth, tangling her fingers in her hair as she wraps a leg around her. Her breath shallows a bit as she can feel Jane’s thigh against her center, and the heat from her seems to ignite something in the brunette as her teeth latch onto her neck. Maura moans as she bites down.

But Jane’s hands still stay in very respectable places, which makes Maura grab them impatiently and place them on her breasts. “You can touch me first, you know,” she breathes, closing her eyes as Jane kisses her neck. Jane pinches her nipples in retaliation, making Maura squeal.

“I know! I was just…” she pauses, looking up and then around them, spacing out for a minute to try to avoid answering.

“Just…?” Maura prods expectantly, then rolls her eyes a bit at Jane’s avoidance tactics. She puts her hand on her chin and turns it towards her, raising an eyebrow.

“I was just being polite, okay!” Jane defends, looking a little embarrassed. Maura snorts when she laughs. “Hey!” Jane exclaims, not appreciating being laughed at.

“Jane,” Maura says seriously, trying to stop laughing. She leans up and kisses her softly before whispering against her lips. “Trust me; the last thing I want is for you to be polite to me right now.”

“Maura, we’re…” she motions around before murmuring out the side of her mouth, “outside.”

“So? There’s no one around for miles. Besides, you didn’t seem to have a problem with going swimming naked if you thought there were people around. Why is this different?”

Jane looks at her in disbelief. “You can’t see the difference between being naked in front of strangers and fucking in front of them?”

“Not really, no.”

Jane just stares at her.

“Well I guess I just thought if you were comfortable enough being naked in front of hypothetical strangers than you might be a bit of an exhibitionist,” Maura explains, finding her conclusion rational. “It all kind of falls into the same category.”

“Wait, a what?”

“An exhibitionist. It’s–”

“I know what it is, Maura. And no, I’m not.” She pauses, taking in the conversation and how it turned to this topic. “Why, are you?”

Maura instantly frowns, not liking the way that Jane said that. Like there’s something wrong with it. But just because it’s not one of the more commonly practiced sexual behaviors, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. “Well… yeah,” she tells her. “A little.”

Jane looks at her in disbelief. “You mean to tell me that you get off on the thought of people watching you get fucked? Seriously?”

Maura blinks, not understanding Jane’s adverse reaction to it. “Yes, sometimes it arouses me. It’s a fantasy, Jane.”

“No! Maura – what – no. There ain’t no way I’m letting some perv watch my girlfriend have sex!” she exclaims, angry with the very idea of it. But Jane’s anger–filled exclamation actually makes Maura smile, suddenly feeling very happy. Jane looks at her reaction, “What?”

“You called me your girlfriend,” Maura says, grinning from ear to ear.

“So?”

“So you’ve never done that,” Maura says, biting her lower lip in glee. “I like it.” Jane looks at her in disbelief before she chuckles.

“God, you’re insane. C’mere,” she says, grabbing Maura and pulling her towards her. She wraps her arms around Jane’s waist and hugs her tight, laying her head on her shoulder. Jane kisses the top of her head, running her fingers down her back. “For the record though, no one is gonna watch us have sex,” she says sternly.

“Fine.” Maura doesn’t really care either way on that matter. Fantasies can stay fantasies. She just enjoys being with Jane.

Jane’s silent for a moment as she holds Maura in her arms. Suddenly she asks, “You haven’t done webcam shows or anything, right?”

“Jane!” Maura exclaims, laughing as she pulls back to look at her. “Of course not, I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Just checking,” Jane says with a smirk. Then she bites her lower lip, clearly hesitant to ask whatever else is on her mind.

“What?” Maura asks. “You can ask me anything, Jane. I know you’re curious. You get this cute little look on your face when you are.” She smirks and pokes at one of Jane’s dimples, trying to prove her point. Jane makes a face and pulls away from her, always hating it when she’s called cute, adorable, or any other kind of adjective that’s similar.

“Hey! Hands off!”

Maura giggles but stops teasing her. She wraps her arms around her neck and looks up at her. “So? Ask.”

Jane rolls her eyes, nudging her with her arm gently. “You always gotta make such a big deal outta things. I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“I dunno…” she shrugs, not looking her in the eyes. “I guess I was just wondering what you like to do that falls under that category, since you didn’t seem too upset that your ‘being watched’ fantasy was crushed,” Jane tells her as she wraps her arms around her waist. Her eyes finally catch hers, waiting for her answer.

Maura giggles. “My ‘being watched’ fantasy wasn’t crushed.” Jane looks at her confused and Maura explains, “While the thought of being watched while having sex with you arouses me, it’s not at the top of my list in regards to my exhibitionist side.”

Jane furrows her eyebrows. “So what is?”

Maura smirks, leaning in and placing her lips next to Jane’s ear. She builds the suspense for a moment by just breathing heavily in her ear; something she already knows drives Jane crazy. Then she whispers in a sultry voice, “I would really like it if you watched me masturbate.” An involuntary whimper falls from Jane’s lips almost instantly from the thought and Maura smiles, knowing that at least something she wants to do is well received. “Would you like that?” she breathes in her ear teasingly.

Jane’s brain doesn’t seem to be up to par in the functioning department at the moment, because she doesn’t answer. Her breathing picks up though and Maura chuckles in her ear. “Hm? Would you like it if I got up on that rock over there…” she motions over to the flat rock that’s nearby, partially consumed by the lake water, “and let you watch while I bring myself to orgasm?” Another whimper escapes Jane’s lips and Maura traces her ear with her tongue before finishing in a low, sexy voice, “I always scream your name when I cum, you know. Even if you’re not there…”

“Oh God,” Jane breathes, her grip on Maura’s hip tightening. Maura silently congratulates herself for rendering Jane into a pile of incompetent mush in mere seconds… again. She’s getting good at this. “Uh… y–yeah,” Jane stutters a little. She coughs, trying to clear her throat. “Yeah, that’s… that’s… good. That’d be good, yeah.” Maura giggles from her reaction. It’s almost… virginal.

“Has no one ever done that for you before?” she asks.

“No…”

“Mmm…” Maura purrs, kissing her neck softly before whispering. “If you enjoy it, I’ll do it whenever you want.” She nips at the base of Jane’s neck before accenting, “When. Ever… you ask.” She smirks and moves her head so she can look her in the eyes, her own twinkling with a tease. “But you have to ask.”

“Pretty sure I’d enjoy it,” Jane says, voice a little strained. She’s staring at the rock like it’s possibly a gift from heaven and Maura tries to suppress her giggles.

“So ask,” she prods. Jane looks at her and Maura blinks at her innocently. She’s going to get Jane to initiate something, even if it kills her. “C’mon Jane, I know you want me to…” she runs her hands up her torso and cups her breasts roughly, looking her in the eyes with determination. Jane groans, taking a shallow breath.

Maura never thought she’d be the aggressor in their sex life, but someone’s gotta be or they’d never get laid unless Jane was drunk. But this is what this was about; encouraging Jane to initiate things. She brushes her thumbs over her nipples, feeling them harden almost instantly beneath her touch. “Ask,” she prods in a seductive whisper.

“Maura…” Jane starts, suppressing another groan as Maura continues to play with her nipples. “Fuck yourself for me. Please…” she’s breathless and far past the point of turned on that Maura isn’t sure how long she’ll actually be able to last before she stops watching and pounces, but Maura isn’t complaining.

“Yes, Ma’am,” she responds in a flirty tone before she takes Jane’s hand in hers and leads her over to the rock. She stops her at the edge. “Stay here,” she tells her. “Just watch.” Jane nods mutely as Maura climbs out of the water and onto the rock. When she turns to face her she immediately spreads her legs, making sure Jane has a good view. She can tell by Jane’s knuckles turning white as she grips the edge of the rock that it’s perfect.

Then Jane’s phone rings.

“FUCK!” Jane yells; frustrated as she looks over on the beach to her pile of clothes that are ringing. Maura frowns, not happy either with the interruption.

“Just ignore it.”

“It could be work,” Jane says, annoyed with it being the worst timing in the world. She points at Maura and waves her finger around erratically. “This? After. Definitely. Just… hold on.” She looks at Maura regretfully before she swims over to shore.

Maura sighs, disappointed. She slides off the rock and swims over to Jane.

Jane fumbles with her clothes, trying to get to her phone. When she does, she picks it up and answers, out of breath, “Rizzoli.” Then her face turns to one of annoyance as she retorts, “Yeah, Ma. Of course I’m alive. I’m on vacation.” Maura climbs out of the water and Jane holds her finger up to her before sighing, “No, I’m not with a man. I’m with Maura.” A pause. “Because we just wanted to get away, why does it matter?” Another pause. “No, nothing happened–no, Ma, seriously, I’m fine.” She rolls her eyes, walking over to the grass and flopping down in it.

Maura sighs. This is such a mood killer. No one ever wants to have sex after talking to their mother.

Maura runs her fingers through her hair, getting it out of her face as she sits down next to Jane, watching her girlfriend make exasperated faces at her mother’s nagging. “I wasn’t–no, I’m not trying to avoid you. If I was I wouldn’t have picked up the phone. I just forgot.” She rubs her forehead in frustration. “Frankie’s watching him–well I don’t know why he didn’t tell you, ask him!” She starts picking at the grass, pulling it up by the roots. “Yeah, okay, Wednesday–yeah I’ll be sure to ask her, alright?” Jane twirls her finger, hoping to wrap this up. “Uh huh. Okay, yeah. I’ll talk to you soon, Ma. Bye.” She hangs up the phone, lets out the most exasperated sigh ever, and then tosses it across the grass.

Maura looks at her sympathetically. “Everything okay?”

Jane covers her face with her hands and groans. “Yeah. I just…” she sighs and takes her hands away from her face to look at Maura. “I love my Ma, y’know? But sometimes she can be a little bit…” she starts shaking her hands, indicating strangling. Maura giggles.

“She’s just trying to look out for you,” she tells her.

“Yeah, well, she could do it a little less and it’d still be enough,” Jane says. She holds up her hand, shielding her face from the sun. “Sorry,” she apologizes to Maura, sounding regretful.

“For what?”

“For screwin’ up our sex. I shoulda just left it alone like you said.”

Maura lies down next to Jane on the grass, taking her hand. “It’s okay. It’s not like we won’t have plenty of time later.” She smiles at her, then remembers something from Jane and her mother’s conversation. “Oh! Were you supposed to ask me something?”

“What?” Jane asks, confused. She then remembers and shakes it off, “Oh, no. Not you. Another friend of mine.” Maura looks at her confused. Last time she checked, she was Jane’s only female friend, and the pronoun ‘she’ was definitely used in that conversation. But Jane doesn’t give her a chance to question her because she sits up, nodding to her before she stands. “C’mon. I wanna cook you something for lunch.”

Maura looks at her disbelievingly as Jane helps her to her feet. “You want to do what?” she asks, wondering if she heard her right.

“Cook,” Jane answers as she grabs both of their clothes off the beach. “For you.”

Maura cringes, but when Jane turns around she gives her a smile. “Are… are you sure? I could do it, if you’d like.” Jane was in no way the world’s best cook.

“Nah, you always cook. It’s my turn. I can barely make shit, but I can make one hell of a mean Mac & Cheese. Ya ever had it with tuna in it?” Jane asks. Maura quirks an eyebrow.

“No. That sounds… interesting.”

She’s somehow got to find a way to let Jane let her cook. Dear lord.

But Jane’s smiling at her, apparently really stoked to have the opportunity to dote on Maura for once, so she doesn’t have the heart to tell her no. Jane grins and grabs her hand, walking with her up the path to the house. “You’re gonna love it,” she tells her.

Well, if Maura eats that then one thing is for sure: she definitely loves Jane enough to.

PART SIX

CHAPTER ELEVEN

First Fight

The first time Maura and Jane had a fight during their relationship was the first day they came back from Maine.

Jane’s standing on the steps to the precinct, rocking up on the balls of her feet as she feigns interest in a pigeon that’s currently devouring the remains of someone’s breakfast. She has her hands shoved in her pockets, a look of complete terror on her face that she’s trying to mask as indifference and failing miserably at, and if she got any tenser Maura’s afraid that she’ll pull a muscle. Maura watches her, treading carefully, “Jane?”

Jane seemed like she was doing well the entire car ride there. She was tense, sure, but she seemed more confident than Maura would have imagined her to be, under the circumstances. Maybe that was just a faÃ§ade that seemed to be shattering more as the minutes ticked by; Jane still unmoving.

The vacation’s definitely over, that’s for sure.

“Jane?” Maura tries again. Her eyes follow Jane’s gaze to the pigeon, then back to her. “Both of our workplaces currently reside inside the building.”

“I know that,” Jane retorts, then sighs and rubs her forehead with her hands. She restates in a less snappy manner, “I know that. I’m just… getting some air. You go ahead.” She doesn’t once turn to even look at her when she addresses her though. Maura narrows her eyes. She’s learned to read Jane pretty well.

“You don’t want to walk in with me,” she translates for her.

“I didn’t say that.”

“You implied it.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t say it,” Jane replies automatically, then turns to look at Maura, who tries to not look as crestfallen by that as she feels. She apparently fails at keeping her emotions to herself though because Jane’s face immediately softens and she backtracks. “No, I didn’t – I didn’t mean that how it sounded.” Off of Maura’s disbelieving look she admits, “Okay, I did mean that the way it sounded. I just, y’know, didn’t mean to hurt you in the process of sticking my foot in my mouth. I’m sorry. I just… don’t know what to do right now.”

Maura collects herself and is reminded that this is really hard for Jane and she shouldn’t be trying to make it any harder. So she nods. “If you need us to walk in separately then that’s fine.” She tugs on the strap of her purse over her shoulder a little self consciously as she takes a step backwards.

Jane looks at her warily. “You… wouldn’t be mad? Or is this one of those things we’re going to talk about later after you give me the cold shoulder all day?”

“I don’t do that!” Maura protests. Jane looks at her disbelievingly and Maura frowns a little. “Well, I certainly don’t mean to do that. Sometimes I find myself a little more emotional than I should be at work so I compensate by putting up a metaphorical wall.”

“So I ask again, is that what this is?” Jane asks. “Because I don’t know if I want to get into an argument later. Somehow, that doesn’t seem fun.”

Maura sighs, looking up at her girlfriend. “No, that’s not what this is. I understand you’re feeling uncomfortable and that you irrationally assume that because we’ve started sleeping together, suddenly everyone that sees us together will know about it. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, so that’s fine. We’ll walk in separately.”

“I don’t – I don’t think that. That… everyone will know. That’s ridiculous.” She lets out a little laugh that in no way sounds convincing. Maura arches an eyebrow and then Jane’s train of thought changes to, “Unless Frost and Korsak told everyone.” Her face falls to a look of dread.

“They wouldn’t,” Maura tells her firmly. “And I think you know that. They’re loyal to you and are hardly the office gossips.”

“I know. I’m just,” she waves her hand around her head erratically. “You know.”

“Being paranoid?” Maura suggests.

For once, Jane doesn’t argue. She seems to slump a little as she admits, “Yeah.”

They look at each other for a moment before Maura gives her a reassuring smile. “It won’t be as bad as you think. Watch.” She takes Jane hand in hers before giving it a squeeze, then releasing it. It falls lifelessly back to Jane’s side. “I’d give you a kiss, but I’m sure you’d burst a vein from the stress it would cause, so I’m just going to see you inside.”

“Was that a dig?” Jane asks as she watches Maura walk away. Maura sighs and turns around, stressing:

“No. I’m not angry. I’ll see you inside, okay?”

Jane looks skeptical and purses her lips together in worry, but nods. Maura gives her another reassuring smile before she enters the building. After she takes the elevator up a couple floors, she steps into the Homicide unit, needing to be briefed on what they missed over the weekend. She didn’t want to go into her morgue and find a surprise. Once she walked in, both Korsak and Frost look up.

“Where’s Jane?” Frost asks, like it’s the most unlikely thing in the world to see one of them without the other.

“Downstairs, waiting the appropriate amount of time to walk in after me so it doesn’t look like we came together,” Maura answers, then cringes. Okay, that wasn’t supposed to come out of her mouth. Maybe she is a little bitter. “Don’t tell her I told you that. Please.”

Korsak and Frost share an equal look of amusement.

Korsak shrugs though as he gathers a file together on his desk. “It’s not any of our business, really.” He walks over to her and hands her the file. “A man was found washed up on the harbor this morning. The body just came in about an hour ago.”

Maura nods, taking the file. She hesitates; looking over her shoulder, making sure Jane hasn’t walked in yet. Then she turns back to Korsak and says in a low voice, “Korsak, I know you three sort of have this… bonding activity of poking fun at one another, but please don’t make fun of Jane for what happened at the bar or… whatever it is that you assume happened afterwards. Please.” She looks at her girlfriend’s ex partner pleadingly. She knows she shouldn’t be talking about this, but she didn’t want to have this be any harder or Jane. If she can help make this process easier, then she should.

Korsak gives her a knowing look and repeats, “Like I said; it’s none of our business.” Maura gives him a small smile.

“Thank you.”

Maura’s about to head off into the morgue when she watches Jane stroll through the door… and then stop dead at the sight of her girlfriend in ‘her’ territory. “What are you doing up here?” she asks automatically.

Maura gives her a look of annoyance off her tone and holds up the case file. “Working,” she deadpans. Jane flinches slightly at her tone and tries to give her an apologetic look, but Maura doesn’t want to get into it right now. “A body was found washed up on shore this morning. I’m sure they’ll give you all the details,” she goes on in a voice that’s ice cold. She didn’t mean for it to be, but once again, she was putting up her walls. Maybe she is more hurt about the way Jane’s acting than she should be under the circumstances, but part of her believes that since she isn’t ashamed to be with Jane, that Jane should be the same way.

She’s trying to be supportive but sometimes it’s just as hard for Maura as it is for Jane. It’s not easy when the woman you love doesn’t want anyone to know you’re together.

“No, I didn’t mean–” Jane starts, but then feels Frost and Korsak’s eyes on her. She noticeably straightens to full height, rolling back her shoulders to present herself in a more commanding stance, yet her face shows indifference. She’s getting uncomfortable and fast over having a conversation with Maura that’s anything less than professional. “I’ll check on the status of the autopsy in a couple hours then, Dr. Isles.” she tells her.

Dr. Isles? Maura’s look she shoots her could cut through glass. She hasn’t called her that since they first met. Jane is officially taking this way too far.

“Fine, Detective Rizzoli,” she says sarcastically.

“Fine.”

“Christ.” Korsak interrupts suddenly, which makes Jane and Maura turn to look at him in surprise. “I know this is none of my business, but this is making us all feel awkward now and I don’t want it to go on for weeks or months or God knows how far you’ll take it, so I’m going to stop it right here.” He turns to his ex partner fully and tells her without any hesitation, “Jane, you’re being an ass. No one cares that you and Dr. Death have a thing. Half this building thinks you’ve been dating for years anyway. So stop acting like you’ve got a split personality and help us solve a murder.”

Jane stares at him, mouth agape.

“You said you wouldn’t say anything!” Maura exclaims, horrified that this just got thrown in Jane’s face so suddenly. She looks at the detective, hoping that she isn’t about to yell or have a breakdown.

“Years?” is all Jane can manage to ask, astounded.

“Years,” Korsak tells her seriously. He holds out a file to her casually. “Now let’s get to work. I ain’t getting any younger here.”

Jane blinks and it takes a full twenty seconds before she slowly reaches out for the file to take it from him. She shares a look with Maura, one of disbelief, before she looks back at Korsak. Her eyes trail over to Frost, who gives her a small smile that’s meant to be reassuring. Then her eyes land on Maura again, then back to Korsak. She doesn’t seem to know what else to say besides, “Okay?”

“Good. C’mon, read up on the police report. We need to go question a couple people before the days over,” Korsak tells her before walking away and resituating himself at his desk. He doesn’t give Jane another look as he gets on his computer.

Jane sits at her desk heavily, seemingly in some type of daze. But she shakes her head to clear her thoughts and opens the file, slipping back into detective–mode as she looks over the case. Maura takes that as her cue to leave, hoping that Jane is really okay with being called out like that; as long as it put her at ease and didn’t end up making things worse. But work wasn’t the place to talk about stuff like that, and she had a body to autopsy.

Before she leaves though she hears Frost say, “It’s good you two are finally together. The sexual tension just about drove everyone insane.”

Jane rolls her eyes, crumpling up a piece of paper before throwing it at his head. “Shut it, Frost.” Frost just laughs.

* * * * *

A couple hours later, Maura looks up from her work as she hears the door to the morgue being opened. “Hey,” Frankie says, acknowledging Maura. He then notices the body, cut open on the table and instinctively looks away, making a face of disgust. “You seen Jane?” he asks, trying to look everywhere but at the body.

“She may be out questioning suspects,” Maura answers, putting down her scalpel to give Frankie her attention. “I know Korsak said they had to do that today.”

“Oh,” Frankie says, still making every effort to not look at the body on her slab. “Well, if you see her, tell her I’m looking for her. I need to see if she’ll help me and Pop work on my car on Wednesday. Something’s up with the engine and Pop’s insisting I don’t need to go to mechanic.” He makes an exasperated face and Maura smirks.

“When I see her, I’ll be sure to tell her.”

“Thanks,” Frankie says. He’s about to turn away when he shrugs a little, telling her, “You know, it kind of sucks that you can’t make it to dinner that night. Ma nags a lot less when you’re around. You’ve kind of become the Rizzoli family buffer.” He smirks.

Maura looks at him confused. “Excuse me?”

Now it’s Frankie’s turn to look confused. “Jane told Ma that you couldn’t make it to dinner on Wednesday, right?”

Maura blinks, feeling her stomach drop a little and her heart feel heavy. She swallows, looking down at the man on her table. “No, um, she… didn’t ask me to come,” she admits as she picks up her scalpel, suddenly having the overwhelming urge to work.

“What? You two having a fight or something?” Frankie asks. “Jane always wants you to come.”

“I’m not sure why she didn’t ask,” Maura answers, still not looking at Frankie. Her throat is starting to feel tight and she wishes that he’ll just go so she can have a moment alone. “Maybe she assumed I was busy.”

“Well, you’re still invited, if you want to come,” Frankie says. Maura nods but still won’t meet his eye. The air around them starts to feel awkward so Frankie clears his throat, sensing something’s off. “Okay, well, if you see Jane just…”

“I’ll tell her you’re looking for her,” Maura says shortly, nodding.

“Okay,” Frankie says, giving her one last look before slipping out of the morgue doors. Once he’s gone, Maura drops the scalpel. It clanks against the metal slab.

She knows exactly why Jane didn’t ask her to come.

Maybe she shouldn’t be as upset as she is because she knew it’d take a long time for Jane to come out to her family, but not including Maura at all? Jane told her that she wouldn’t do that. She lied to her. Twice, actually. Maura knew she didn’t have any other friends that were women; she should have put two and two together. But she’s been in such a happy, love sick place that she didn’t want to see something that was so obviously right in front of her.

But she holds it in, filing it away in the back of her mind. She needed to work, and if Maura Isles was anything, she was definitely a professional.

It was an hour or so later that Jane finally came down to the morgue. “Hey,” she says as she greets Maura, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before holding up a bag. “I brought lunch.”

“I’m not hungry,” Maura tells her evenly without even looking up from her paperwork. Jane’s face falls.

“Are you still mad at me about what happened upstairs? I’m really sorry, Maur. I just didn’t know how to act and kinda… freaked out,” Jane says as she sits on the edge of Maura’s desk, who clicks her tongue in annoyance at the action. Jane immediately stands and chooses to sit in a chair instead. She sighs. “I really didn’t mean to piss you off.”

“I’m not angry with you about that,” Maura tells her, still not even sparing her a glance as she rifles through the paperwork on her desk, trying to organize it. She really needs an assistant, but she doubts the Boston PD’s budget would allow for it.

“You’re pissed at me about something though,” Jane says, knowing she’d have to be blind and deaf to miss the icy waves that are coming off of Maura.

“Look,” Maura says as she puts down her stack of papers heavily. They land with a loud thud and Jane raises her eyebrows. “It’s not a concern right now, okay? We can talk later. Right now we’re working. Or, well, one of us is,” she says as she picks up a file off her desk. “You should try to do it too,” she tells her as she hands her the file in her hand. “There’s the autopsy report.”

Jane’s looking at her like she can’t decide whether to be angry or upset. She chooses angry as she grabs the folder out of Maura’s hands. “You know I hate when you do shit like this,” she says.

“Jane, I’m trying to be professional,” Maura tells her calmly. “Maybe you should try to do the same thing.”

“You’re not being professional, you’re being bitchy in a polite way,” Jane corrects angrily. Maura narrows her eyes before shoving her pen in the container that holds her writing utensils. But it doesn’t fit correctly so the whole thing comes crashing down all over her desk and she fumes silently as she picks them up. “So are you going to tell me what it is that’s making you hate me?” Jane asks, watching Maura practically throw her pens inside the container.

“Later,” Maura tells her firmly. Then, as an afterthought, “And I don’t hate you.”

“Coulda fooled me.”

Maura clenches her jaw and looks up at her girlfriend. “Jane, please. I don’t want to do this right now. Trust me, you don’t want to this right now. So I’d appreciate it if you please took your stinky food and left my morgue.”

Jane glares at her and they have a staring match for what seems like forever until Jane angrily grabs her bag of food, put points it at her as she says, “Fine, but my food isn’t stinky. It’s Bruschetta with Limburger, Figs and Grilled Onion; it’s good.” She starts to walk away as she finishes with a firm, “Damnit.”

Maura makes a face, “Limburger? No wonder. Ew.”

That makes Jane spin around on her heel, looking at her incredulously. “Really? Really, Maura? Do you need the last word that badly? I was trying to be nice and bring you lunch since I know if I don’t you usually work so damn hard that you miss it and are starving by the time we leave. A lunch, which – by the way – you’ve had before and didn’t consider gross.”

“Well, I don’t remember that,” Maura says, shrugging casually, knowing it’ll tick off Jane. She really doesn’t remember that though; Jane probably told her it was something else to get her to eat it. They do that to each other sometimes.

“Just fuckin’ forget it,” Jane says, shaking her head as she turns to leave again, frustrated that they were fighting and she didn’t even know what about.

“It’s forgotten,” Maura says flatly as she sits back down.

Jane rolls her eyes, knowing why Maura just said that, and sarcastically yells, “Got the last word!” just to annoy the ME, who scoffs in irritation.

“No, you don’t!” Maura calls out. Two can play at that game.

Jane flips her off just as she exits the morgue, which makes Maura’s mouth drop open. “Oh, because that was mature!” she yells just as Jane rounds the corner, disappearing. She sighs loudly in aggravation as she sits back down heavily in her chair, slamming her hands on the top of the desk.

Maybe she did want the last word. Which, really, doesn’t make her very mature either.

* * * * *

When the day was over, the two women got into Jane’s car, which they shared on the way to work. The air between them was thick with unresolved tension and for once it wasn’t sexual. The ride back was silent at first, neither wanting to be the first to speak. But after ten minutes, Jane finally breaks her reserve.

“So you gonna tell me what I did or are you just gonna continue giving me the silent treatment?”

Maura glances over in her direction as she wrings her hands together. She hates fighting with Jane, but what she did really hurt. If she was to ignore it, it’d just eat at her. “Maybe we should talk about it when you drop me off,” Maura suggests.

“Maybe we should talk about it now,” Jane says firmly. “I really don’t want to deal with this any longer than I have to.”

Maura looks at her incredulously. “Oh, and it’s all about you. I’m sorry, I forgot I was a guest star in the ‘Jane Rizzoli’ show and take a backseat to all of your needs,” Maura says sarcastically, fuming that Jane wouldn’t even take into consideration for one moment how this might be hard on her as well.

“You know, sometimes I wish you never got good at sarcasm.”

“Well, sometimes I wish that you’d recognize that the world doesn’t revolve around you,” Maura snaps. Jane looks over at her, astounded.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me, Maura! I think about you all the time!”

“Jane, watch the road.”

“I am watching the damn road,” Jane snaps as she turns her eyes back onto the street in front of her. “I just wish you’d tell me what the hell it is we’re fighting about! I can’t apologize or defend myself if I don’t know what you’re even pissed at me for!”

“You lied to me!” Maura exclaims, not being able to hold it in any longer. She feels the tears start to well up in her eyes that she’d been keeping in for so long.

“About what?”

“Your mother invited me to dinner on Wednesday and you didn’t even tell me!” Maura yells, feeling one tear fall down her cheek. Jane’s eyes go wide and her body goes rigid. “And then you lied to my face and said it wasn’t about me; that it was about some made up woman you’re friends with!”

Jane’s silent for a moment, not daring to look in Maura’s direction. Finally she says softly, “Oh.”

“Oh?” Maura asks, upset. “Oh? That’s all you have to say to me?”

Jane chews on her bottom lip as she turns into Maura’s street. “Maura, I didn’t… I didn’t mean for–”

“What? For me to find out?”

“No!” then she corrects herself off of Maura’s scoff, “Yes! Maybe, I don’t know! I’m sorry, okay?” Jane exclaims as she parks outside of Maura’s house, finally letting herself turn to look at her. “I just didn’t know what to do; I panicked!”

“That can’t be your excuse for everything, Jane,” Maura says, wiping away the tears on her cheeks as she unbuckles her seat belt. “That you ‘didn’t know what to do’. You need to start figuring out what the fuck to do, and quickly.”

“Did you just swear?” Jane asks, astounded.

“Don’t change the subject,” Maura grumbles as she shoves the seat belt off of her after it got caught on her jacket. She opens the car door to get out, but Jane stops her by grabbing her shoulder.

“No! Maura, wait. You can’t leave like this,” Jane pleads. Maura rolls her shoulder to get Jane’s hand to dislodge. She feels a new set of tears start to well up in her eyes as she looks back at her.

“You don’t understand why this even upsets me, do you?” she asks, voice breaking.

Jane looks at her helplessly, clearly not at all equipped to deal with an upset girlfriend. “Because I won’t tell them about us?” she guesses. Maura shakes her head, becoming more upset with the fact that Jane doesn’t have a clue what’s going on.

“No!” she exclaims, turning around to face her fully. “Jane, you don’t understand. My parents, they… they don’t give me the time of day, even as an adult. We have maybe one phone conversation a month and sometimes meet on Christmas if they aren’t out touring some exotic location.” She sniffs, wiping away more tears that fell. “And you… your family… your Mom especially has been really… she…” Maura can’t even finish the sentence, but Jane understands. That much is clear by how much guilt has just crossed her face.

“Oh God,” she says, getting it now. Jane’s family is Maura’s family, at least more than Maura’s own parents were. That’s why she got so upset about not being included. “Maura, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. I’m so, so fucking sorry.” Jane grasps her hands in hers and looks her in the eyes, her own filled with guilt and remorse and Maura can see plainly that Jane isn’t lying to her. “You are family, you know that. It’s just… I was being stupid. I got scared and… I’m sorry. Really, babe.”

Maura’s still a little upset, but she does recognize Jane’s apology with a small nod. She sniffs, looking down at their hands. She doesn’t know what else to say. She had been holding that in all day that now that it’s out she just feels tired.

“Hey,” Jane coaxes softly, making Maura look at her. “I love you, okay? I mean, you know that, right?”

Maura gives Jane a small, amused smile as she nods. “Yeah, Jane. I know.” They look at each other for a moment before Maura gives her a sympathetic smile, cups Jane face and tells her, “Oh, and… please don’t call me ‘babe’. I’m not an infant.” She tries to do it as nicely as possible, because she’s always despised pet names. They’ve always seemed a little condescending to her.

Jane smirks, apparently finding that terribly funny. “Sugar? Cupcake?” she offers in exchange with a grin on her face. She’s trying to be endearing.

It’s working.

Maura rolls her eyes, but can’t help but crack a small smile. “No.” She leans in and kisses Jane on the lips before getting out of the car. “Goodnight, Jane.”

“I have a list!” Jane offers, chuckling a little.

Maura giggles, feeling a little better that they were having a more normal interaction. “I’ll burn it,” she tells her with a smirk. She closes the car door, but peeks through the open window as she tells her, “And Jane?” Jane looks at her, still with a goofy grin on her face that Maura can’t help but return back to her, “I love you too.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

First Change

The first time Maura found herself sick of the repetition in their relationship, sick of nothing changing, was a few weeks later.

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

“I was just scared.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“I didn’t know what to do.”

“It’s just not the right time.”

“I’m still not ready yet.”

“It doesn’t mean I love you any less, Maura. Really.”

Maura never did go to the Rizzoli family dinner that Wednesday, nor did she go the ones following in the next couple weeks after. Jane insisted that she should go of course, especially after their fight. But Maura could see Jane still wasn’t feeling comfortable, so she declined the offer and let it go. And Jane let her, much more easily than she should have if she was sincere in wanting Maura to go in the first place. So Maura let it go the next week, and the week after, and the next until she found herself crying over the dirty dishes in her sink one day, upset that one of her nice china dishes had broke after she carelessly tossed it in the sink, too lost in her own thoughts.

Well, that’s what she thought she was crying about at first, as ridiculous as it was, until it went from the dish; to how she wished she could host a nice dinner party like every other normal couple in the world, but now she can’t because she just broke her nice china. But then that turned into; that didn’t matter, because a dinner party with Maura would mean Jane would have to publicly acknowledge their relationship and that still looked like it would never happen.

But maybe it was her own fault for continuously letting things go with Jane. Jane screws up and hurts her feelings; Maura says it’s okay and that she ‘understands’. Jane lies to her; Maura’s upset but after an apology it’s all okay because ‘it must be hard to be in Jane’s position’. Hell, Jane says she’s sorry and yet still nothing changes. What’s next? Jane cheats on her because she’s scared of commitment, or still scared to be gay, or whatever else? That’s all Maura can think now: what next?

It was supposed to be a fairytale with Jane. Not that she wasn’t happy when it was just the two of them; Jane was an amazing lover and was very attentive and sweet to her when no one else was around. And those were the times Maura was so in love with her that sometimes it felt hard to take her next breath without her. But when other people were around she would be distant. Even at work, where most everyone knew. When it was just Korsak and Frost around, Jane would hold her hand or give her small kisses, but the moment anyone else came into the room she practically flew away from her.

Maura tried to not let it hurt her, really she did, but there’s only so much she can take and she’s nearing the end of her rope. Being a “good girlfriend” to Jane is starting to sacrifice some of her self esteem. But she loves her and there’s still a part of her that hopes Jane will start to change. That she’ll finally be comfortable with herself, with their relationship, and allow them to both be happy. But that hope is starting to fade as the weeks go by; fast.

She’s starting to think maybe they should take a break until Jane is more comfortable with herself. She hates herself for thinking that and has no idea if she can even bring herself to have the conversation with Jane, but she doesn’t know what else to do anymore.

It’ll kill her though. ‘Breaks’ have the tendency to become real breakups and that’s the last thing she wants. When it’s just her and Jane, those moments are perfect. More than perfect. But they can’t live their lives hiding away from the world together.

Sometimes she wishes they could though.

Sometimes she wishes she had a friend to talk to about all of this too. But Jane was her only friend and now she’s her lover. So instead Maura has turned to talking to her tortoise, Bass. She probably looks like she’s halfway towards insanity for it, but at least she can get things out instead of letting them stew inside of her.

Maura waves a piece of strawberry under Bass’ mouth gently before the tortoise opens his mouth, accepting the offering. She smiles as she feeds him, sitting on her knees on the kitchen floor. But her smile turns into a frown as she sighs, telling him, “I don’t know what to do anymore, Bass.”

The tortoise pokes his head out to get the last of the strawberry, then looks up at her. He doesn’t have anything to contribute, but then again, he never does. Maura gets another strawberry for him and as he happily accepts the new offering she tells him, “Being with Jane is like being with someone who has a Split Personality Disorder sometimes. She’s one way when we’re alone and then a completely different person when we’re not.” She chews on her bottom lip. “Do you think it’s selfish for me to only want the version of Jane I’m happy with?”

Bass doesn’t answer. He just eats the strawberry and then retreats back into his shell.

Maura frowns. “Hey, I was talking to you.” Bass doesn’t come out of his shell and she sighs. “A lot of help you are,” she mumbles.

She really does need a friend. One that can talk back to her, preferably.

“Are you talking to your turtle?”

“Ahh!” Maura shrieks, startled from a voice in her house that she assumed was unoccupied besides herself. She almost jumps out of her skin as she presses her hand to her chest, trying to slow her heart rate. Jane’s eyes go wide.

“Sorry, are you okay? I didn’t mean to scare you that bad,” the brunette says, worry crossing her features as she kneels down to be at Maura’s height on the floor. She puts her hand on her shoulder, but Maura waves her off.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she breathes. Jane knits her eyebrows together as Maura takes another breath. “What are you doing here?” she asks.

Jane holds up the container of food in her hand. “Brought some of Ma’s gnocchi back. I figured you’d be hungry. I know you love the stuff.” She gives her a small smile, as if a smile will overlook the fact that she once again shunned Maura from her family even though she knows how she feels about it.

Maura looks at Jane, then the gnocchi. No, thank you. She’d rather not eat something that will remind her that once again Jane is ashamed of her. But instead of telling her that, she says, “I already ate.” She gets to her feet, allowing Jane to do the same. “I thought you were going back home after your mother’s,” she says as she takes the food from Jane and walks over to her refrigerator to store it. She doesn’t look at her.

“Do you not want me here?” Jane asks, sounding hurt, picking up on Maura’s unhappiness about the situation.

“I don’t know,” Maura says honestly. She chews on her bottom lip as she places the food in the bottom of her refrigerator. When she closes the door she looks back over at Jane.

Jane stares at her, like she doesn’t understand what’s going on at all. “Um, alright?” she says, sounding as confused as she looks. She clears her throat before her eyes search the floor as she thinks. “Is… is everything okay?” she asks finally as she looks up at Maura. “Is there anything I can do?”

The look Jane is giving her is breaking her heart, but she tells her softly, “Not anything you’d be willing to do.”

“How do you know that?” Jane asks suddenly. “What–Jesus, what’s going on, Maura? You’re scaring me. You have this weird tone going on right now. What happened?”

“Nothing happened, not specifically anyway. I just need some space, Jane,” Maura tells her, leaning against the fridge, holding onto the door handle behind her. “That’s all.”

“That’s all?” Jane asks, perplexed. She searches Maura’s eyes, but gets nothing in return. So she takes a breath and asks softly, a little scared of the answer, “Do you mean… space as in for tonight? Or space as in… longer than that?”

Maura just looks at her sympathetically. She can’t bring herself to tell her. But it doesn’t matter, because Jane understands.

“What–Maura, I thought we were happy!” Jane exclaims. “What the fuck is going on? What did I do?” She sounds scared, upset, and it breaks Maura in two to watch the distress on her face.

“Jane, I love you…” she starts, but she’s interrupted by Jane.

“You love me but you’re breaking up with me?!”

“No, Jane, I’m not breaking up with you,” Maura tells her, needing her to be clear on that. Jane’s looking at her disbelievingly though. Maura takes a step away from the fridge, but Jane instinctively takes one step back; protecting herself from the emotional pain Maura’s giving her. “I just think we need some space from each other. You still have one foot in the closet and you’re unaware of the negative effect it’s having on me. I love you and I want to be with you, but not as your dirty secret.”

“You–what? You’re not my–oh my God,” Jane says, taking a step back from her and waving her hands, not being able to comprehend this. She laughs disbelievingly before she leans on the island counter, putting her hands over her mouth as she stares at the wall. There’s silence for a moment before she finally looks at Maura and says, “I can’t believe that’s what you think I think of you as. Jesus, Maura.”

“What else am I supposed to think?” Maura asks, her chest feeling heavy from emotion. “You won’t let me near your family anymore, you pretend we’re not together when we’re in public. How do you expect me to feel?”

“I won’t let you near my family?” Jane asks, disbelievingly. “Maura, I invite you every week! You’re the one that says no!”

“Because I know you don’t want me to go!” Maura exclaims. “If you did, you’d insist. You’d tell me you really want me there. But you don’t, Jane! You let me say no so easily because you really don’t want me there!”

“Of course I want you there!” Jane exclaims, upset. “I always want you there, Maura! But I want you there without me being scared half to fucking death that my parents are gonna find out and throw us out!”

“Jane, you don’t have ‘I’m a lesbian’ tattooed on your forehead whenever you’re with me now,” Maura says, putting her hands on her hips. “And you know what; would it be so bad if you did? I’m tired of you being ashamed of me. It makes me feel horrible about myself.”

“I’m not ashamed of you! I love you! Maura, you’re the most important person in my whole life,” Jane tells her, stepping towards her to grasp her forearms, trying to make her point. But Maura shoves her away.

“Then why don’t you show it?!” she shrieks.

Jane freezes and they stare at each other for what seems like forever. The analog clock on the wall ticks loudly, accenting each passing second. Finally Jane’s face sets and she says, “Fine,” before digging through her pockets.

“What are you doing?” Maura asks, just as Jane takes out her cell phone. Her eyes go wide. “Jane, if you’re about to do what I think you’re about to do, don’t do it over the phone!”

But Jane holds up a finger to Maura as she dials a number on her phone. Maura just stares at her, eyes wide and heart beating erratically. It can’t be this simple. It just can’t.

“Frankie?” Jane asks as a greeting. “Yeah, I know what time it is, I own a watch. Listen, me and Maura are coming over for a second.” A pause. “It’s important, alright? Just give us a minute. We’ll be outta your hair in like five.” Another pause. “Alright thanks, we’ll be there soon.”

She hangs up.

Maura just stares at her.

Jane looks absolutely terrified, but she swallows her fear and grabs Maura’s hand. “Come on,” she tells her, before dragging her towards the door. Maura can barely comprehend what just happened.

“No, Jane, if you’re not ready yet you shouldn’t do this. I know that this is–”

Jane stops and turns to face her. “Maura, I am scared to fucking death right now, alright? But I’m not gonna just sit here and watch the love of my life leave me if I can help it, okay? So just let me do this. You wanted me to choose, didn’t you? I chose.”

“No, I didn’t want you to choose, I–”

“Yes, you did. Don’t pretend that right now it’s either I come out or we split up, whether for a week or forever. Just… don’t,” Jane says. He jaw trembles and Maura’s heart breaks.

“I wasn’t trying to give you an ultimatum…” she says softly, feeling awful.

“Life is full of ultimatums, Maura. This is just another one,” Jane tells her, squeezing her hand. She takes a breath before looking at the door. “I need to do this, so let’s go.”

* * * * *

Twenty minutes later, both of them are standing outside of Frankie’s house. Jane looks completely terrified and she’s holding onto Maura’s hand like if she lets it go than she’ll pass out. She’s chewing on her bottom lip, hesitating. Maura stands there with her, silent, knowing Jane has to work up the courage to ring the doorbell.

Turns out, she didn’t have to.

Frankie opens the door, seeing them both on the other side of it. “Jeez, sis. You had me freaked that some stalker perp was on my porch. Learn how to ring a doorbell,” he says with a laugh. He moves out of the way of the door, inviting them in. “Ignore the mess; cleaning day is tomorrow.”

Maura’s mildly surprised Jane didn’t automatically let go of her hand. Instead she grips it tighter as she leads Maura into the house. It takes Jane three seconds to survey the living room; a mess of pizza boxes and beer before she reverts into her casual self, at least for a second. “Jesus, Frankie. You live like a damn pig.”

“Hey, I don’t come into your apartment and judge you,” Frankie defends.

“Yeah, cause I know how to clean up after myself,” Jane says as she moves a pizza box away from her with her foot. Frankie rolls his eyes.

“If I knew you were gonna nag I wouldn’t have invited you in,” he says, smirking. He leans against the threshold of the doorway, nodding at her in acknowledgement. “So what’s up?”

Jane takes a breath, tightening her grip on Maura’s hand and pulling her a little closer to her. “I, uh, I gotta tell you something.”

“Okay.”

Frankie’s expression is unchanged, like he doesn’t even recognize the way Jane’s being with Maura as anything different. It even makes Maura furrow her eyebrows in confusion.

Jane swallows, rocking on the balls of her feet a little as she starts. “I’m–well, we’re–uh, okay. See, the thing is…” she trails off and Frankie raises his eyebrows in expectation and question. Jane clears her throat, trying to not look as terrified as she feels and says as confidently as she can, “Frankie, I’m gay.”

Frankie blinks. “Wait, like all the way now? I thought you were just that way for Maura.”

“What?” Jane asks, like she couldn’t comprehend what Frankie just said to her. Even Maura’s looking at him surprised. “You knew about me and Maura?”

“Yeah, for like a year,” Frankie says, shrugging. “I just figured you didn’t say anything cause, well, you know how Ma can get. She’ll freak out Maura doesn’t have a penis and therefore is ill equipped to give her grandchildren.” He rolls his eyes. “I swear the woman thinks we’re baby factories.”

He thought they’ve been dating for year? Well, that explains the complete nonchalance about the matter. To him it’s old news. Maura can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief on Jane’s behalf. While that’s one hurdle crossed, what Frankie said about Jane’s mom… well that’ll be another, more difficult one.

“Frankie, we’ve only been dating for a few weeks,” Maura tells him.

Frankie looks at them, surprised. “Really?”

“Damn, why does everyone think we’ve been together for years?” Jane asks suddenly, like its offensive that people assume stuff about her without her permission. Frankie laughs.

“Because you two have always been attached at the freakin’ hip,” he answers. “And never in that ‘just friends’ kind of way. It seriously took you guys this long to get together? Man. I was way off.”

Jane laughs, and for the first time it’s one that sounds freeing; relaxed. She wraps an arm around Maura’s waist, and she’s smiling. It makes Maura smile too.

“Yeah, well. Apparently we were slower on the uptake than everyone else,” Jane says.

Frankie smirks. He looks at the two of them and then back at Jane and asks, “So like, you’re gay gay now? No more men?”

Jane shrugs. “Men have never really satisfied me. Always felt kinda… wrong. I guess. I don’t know. It feels right with Maura though. I don’t know if that’d be the same with another woman and I don’t exactly plan to find out; I’m happy where I am.”

Frankie smiles, happy that his sister’s happy. He looks over at Maura, “What about you?”

“Frankie! Nosey, much? Keep it out,” Jane protests.

“No, it’s okay Jane,” Maura says, always happy to answer questions. Finally happy to be able to talk about her relationship with Jane and how it’s affected other areas of her life and sexuality. “I’m bisexual,” she tells Frankie. “I still enjoy the look and feel of men, quite a lot actually. Being with Jane hasn’t changed that.”

“Maura!” Jane protests, mouth agape.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Maura says, trying to reassure her. “I don’t want or need a man when I’m with you; you’re an excellent lover.” She smiles at her.

“Whoa!” Frankie says, holding up his hands to halt her right there. “Information I did not need to know.”

“Jesus,” Jane says, embarrassed as she puts a hand over her eyes. Maura looks at them both confused. She was just trying to clear that up.

“What?”

“Okay, so, we’re gonna go now,” Jane says, pushing Maura towards the door, embarrassed. Frankie smirks.

“Alright, I need to get up early for work tomorrow anyway.”

“What?” Maura asks again, still confused as to what she did as Jane herds her out the front door. She makes a face of annoyance until Jane leans down and kisses her once on the lips.

“Nothing, sweetie.”

Lies.

But Maura lets it go, seeing as Jane just felt comfortable enough to kiss her in front of her brother. That makes her smile and she turns, taking Jane’s hand in hers as they say goodbye to Frankie.

“We’ll see you later,” Jane says, stepping out onto the porch.

“Yeah,” Frankie replies, then follows up with, “Oh, and hey. Why the hell hasn’t Maura been to dinner the last couple weeks? Ma thinks you two are in a fight and is about ready to kill you, you know.”

“She feels uncomfortable with me there,” Maura answers, which earns her a shove with Jane’s arm.

“No,” she protests, but doesn’t get to finish because she’s cut off by Frankie.

“Why? It’s more uncomfortable when you’re not there cause half the dinner is Ma demanding Jane makes up with you because you’re her only friend she likes.” He looks at Jane disapprovingly.

“Hey!” Jane protests. “Look, it’s been hard for me to come out, alright? I was probably being an ass, but you know how Ma can get. I swear to God she’ll take one look at us and know we’re sleeping together. She’s got those freaky Mom–powers.”

Maura doesn’t understand how anyone can have powers like that. Her mother certainly didn’t. But then again, her mother couldn’t be bothered much too even care.

Frankie looks at her understandingly. “You do got a point. But you gotta tell her sometime. The longer you keep Maura away from her, the more it’s going to push her to investigate.”

Jane groans softly. “God, I know.” She looks over at Maura, who gives her a small smile of reassurance. Jane takes a breath, turning back to Frankie. “I dunno. I’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out. I just… gotta do it right, y’know?”

Frankie waves his hand, as if to dismiss it. “Just tell her you guys are planning to get a sperm donor; she’ll probably throw a parade.”

Jane’s jaw drops. “Frankie!”

Frankie laughs. “What?”

“I think it’s a little soon in our relationship to be thinking about children,” Maura replies.

Frankie shrugs. “So? Just tell Ma that to get her off your back. Doesn’t mean you gotta do it right now. Just give her some hope for kids and I’m sure she’ll be fine. She already likes Maura better than the two of us, anyway.” He smirks at Jane.

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Maura protests. Jane laughs.

“Nah, it’s true. You should hear the way she talks about you.”

Maura flushes.

Jane chews on her bottom lip, shifting from foot to foot before she looks up at Frankie and asks carefully, “What about… Pop?”

A worried look crosses over Frankie’s face, and Jane’s face falls. “I dunno, Janie,” he says, sympathetically. “I mean, you know how he was raised. But he loves you, you know that. And hell, no matter how much he tries to deny it, Ma runs the house. If he does flip, she’ll get him to come around.”

Jane lets out a breath of disappointment and Maura squeezes her hand. “Yeah, I figured.” She tries not to look as upset as she feels, but Maura can see right through it.

“Don’t sweat about it though. Worry about Ma first,” Frankie says.

“One step at a time,” Maura tells her. Jane looks over at her and gives her a small smile, pulling her into a hug.

“I know,” she says softly before they step away from each other. She turns to Frankie. “We should be going.”

He nods. “Alright.” They start to turn away before he calls out. “Hey, Maura?” When they turn back he tells her seriously. “Take care of my sister.”

Maura smiles, holding Jane’s hand a little firmer. “I will,” she promises.

* * * * *

After they left Frankie’s, they decided to stay the night together at Maura’s house. When they got home, they immediately retired to the bedroom since it was so late. Jane flops down on Maura’s bed on her back, kicking off her shoes. She’s staring at the ceiling with a little smile on her face.

Maura slides off her shoes and climbs up the bed to lie next to Jane on her stomach. She looks down at her, smiling off of Jane’s smile. “Are you happy?” she asks, though the question seemed rather unnecessary.

“Yeah,” Jane says, almost like that concept was unbelievable. She looks at Maura and her smile widens and she says, “I feel so much… God, I don’t know. Just better. You know? Frankie’s okay with this. Like, really, actually okay.”

Maura smiles, taking Jane’s hand in hers and bringing it up to her lips to kiss it softly. Jane leans up and gives her a soft kiss before whispering, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

Jane laughs disbelievingly. “For what? For threatening to leave my ass if I didn’t stop being scared of the whole damn world, that’s what.”

Maura frowns a little. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to force you into anything.”

“Maura, all I want is to make you happy. It makes me happy when you’re happy. I know that sounds sappy as shit, but it’s true. And… you weren’t happy. Were you?”

Maura looks at her sadly for a moment before shaking her head no.

Jane reaches up and strokes Maura’s cheek. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a jackass to you lately,” she apologizes softly. Maura looks at her sympathetically, running her thumb over the back of Jane’s hand.

“It’s okay…”

“No, Maura, it’s not. And I wish you’d quit saying that. I wish you would have told me sooner you were unhappy. I just…” she stops, sighing. Maura can hear the hitch in her breath; see the tremble in her jaw. She watches the telltale signs of Jane starting to get emotional and instinctively trying to stop it. She’s silent as she watches as Jane tries to compose herself, but she never manages to. She looks at her and tells her, voice breaking as she stokes her cheek. “You’re… you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever known, y’know? And I… I guess I just wish I was better at showing you how much you mean to me, but I just seem to be shit at it.” One tear slips down Jane’s cheek and Maura automatically wipes it away.

“Please don’t cry,” she pleads softly. She hates it when Jane cries, it breaks her heart. “You’ve been amazing to me.”

Jane scoffs, “Yeah. Besides all the times I made you feel awful, right?” She looks away from her, angry with herself.

“Jane,” Maura says, taking Jane’s chin in her hand and turning it to have her look at her. “You may have hurt me, but there were times when I couldn’t even fathom taking another breath without you by my side.” She strokes Jane’s cheek and tells her in a whisper, “You’re my whole world, Jane Rizzoli. My entire amazing, sad, happy, crazy, fucked up world. Everything. All of it.”

Jane gives her a smile through her upset that’s threatening to turn down her lips, but she wins the fight after a small struggle. “Language,” she chides her, then laughs softly.

Maura giggles, then bites her lower lip playfully before leaning down and kissing Jane with every ounce of passion she has in her as she climbs on top of her, needing to back up what she just said with some affirmative action. Jane grasps at her instinctively, needing Maura closer as their tongue intertwined through their rough kisses. Not fighting for dominance for once, but finally just connecting. When they break, both out of breath, Maura pleads against her lips, “Make love to me, Jane.”

Jane looks into her eyes, chest heaving. She looks a little unsure of herself. “I… uh, I don’t know if I even know how to do that,” she admits quietly. “I’ve always just… fucked people.” Maura smiles at her and leans down to kiss her lips, her cheek, her neck, before whispering in her ear:

“Sure you do. It’s more about connecting than being sweaty mammals in heat.” Off of Jane’s disbelieving scoff that she seriously just said that, she giggles. She kisses her neck and tells her seriously, in a low sultry voice, “I want to worship every inch of you, Jane. I want to you to touch me like I’m the only thing in your world. I want us to cum so many times that we can’t tell if we’re even alive anymore. I want to feel your love in every touch, every moan, every breath…”

Jane’s breathing shallows at those words, yet she says in a disbelieving voice, “But no pressure, right?”

Maura leans up so she can look down at her, before telling her softly, seriously, “No pressure. Every sexual experience I have with you is amazing, Jane. But I’d just like if this time it was about love and not about you wanting to see me naked.”

Jane searches her eyes, still looking a little unsure, but she gives her a small smile and a nod. “Okay,” she breathes. “I… think I can do that.”

Maura kisses her softly on the lips, sliding her hands up Jane’s shirt, feeling the heat of her lover’s skin beneath her fingertips before pulling back and whispers, “I have no doubt.”

TBC…