RIZZOLI & ISLES

Let It Go

InkWheels

Title: Let It Go

Fandom: Rizzoli and Isles

Pairing: Jane Rizzoli/Maura Isles

Spoilers: season finale

Rating: R

Disclaimer: I don’t make any claims of owning these awesome characters. Just borrowing them to describe what goes on in my mind.

Summary: Jane is still dealing with the aftermath of the shooting

Author’s note: I’ve noticed some differences between the books and the series. I’m sticking with the series for this story in case some haven’t read the books.

Let It Go

InkWheels

Pain. Lots of it.

It felt like every nerve ending in my body was lit up with it.

“Jane?” a voice called out to me.

I felt pressure on my entrance wound; someone poking and prodding. Opening my eyes, my spine immediately chilled from top to bottom as Hoyt’s face appeared before me.

“Jane,” he smiled, “I heard what you did to yourself.” A shiny scalpel made it’s way to my throat; his usual move. “Were you trying to kill yourself before I got the chance, my dear?” He twisted and turned the scalpel as he spoke; coming dangerously close to my skin.

“How the fuck did you get in here?” I grumbled.

He smiled at me just before digging his thumb into my wound and ripping a yelp of pain from my throat. But I didn’t cry. I refused to cry. I wasn’t going to give him control. “You bastard!” I grunted through clenched teeth.

“Aww. Does that hurt?” he taunted, digging deeper; popping my stitches and letting out a menacing cackle.

I bolted upright; the room around me whooshing as if I were in the middle of a tornado. Sweat poured down my face as my heart hammered away in my chest.

I scanned the room and found it empty but I felt like he was here. I could smell his disgusting cologne. “My gun,” I mumbled. “Where’s my gun?”

“Jane?” a female voice called out to me from the hallway.

Maura.

She entered the room; her face loaded with concern. “Jane! Wh–what are you doing?”

I got out of bed, holding onto my side, and only took a few steps before crashing to the ground; my legs unable to support me. I cried out in pain as I sat up and leaned against the bed, hugging my wound.

Maura was by my side in seconds. “What are you doing?” Her hands fell on top of mine.

“Hoyt. Hoyt was here. Where’s my gun? I have to get my gun.”

“No. No, sweetheart he’s not here. You had a nightmare.” Her hand swept the sweaty hairs from my brow.

“No! He…he was here! He…” I looked down at my side that was now stained with blood.

“Oh God,” she gasped as she looked down and saw it too. “Jane, you probably tore the stitches when you got out of bed and fell.” She fussed over my side, patting my shoulder. “He wasn’t here.”

“I swear, he was here.”

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay, he’s not going to hurt you. Let’s get you back into bed so I can clean this up.”

Gently and carefully she got me back into my bed. Only then did I start to calm down.

“I fucking hate him,” I said as I ran a hand over my face.

“I know,” she said, frowning as she lifted the hem of my shirt and peeled away the bandage to see what damage I’d done. Reaching over to the nightstand she grabbed a box of gauze and fresh bandages. “I might be able to get the bleeding to stop so that I won’t have to re–stitch you.”

My breathing started to return to normal and my realization that Hoyt’s visit was indeed a nightmare was starting to sink in. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” she asked as she cleaned my wound.

“Scaring you. Again.”

She smiled slightly as she focused on the task at–hand. “I was making you some soup while you took a nap.”

“How long was I out? These meds suck because I have no idea what damn day it is anymore.”

“An hour or so.”

Silence clung to the air for a bit while she tended to my wound.

“Jane, I was going to mention this a few days ago but…I think you should talk to someone.”

“Huh?”

“A psychiatrist.”

“Whoa. What? Are you serious? I’m…I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You haven’t spoken a word about what happened, you wake up in the middle of the night sweating to death from what I can only assume are nightmares but you won’t talk to me about it. You’ve got too much bottled up inside and you need to talk to someone.”

I ran my hand over my face, squeezing the bridge of my nose. “You want me to talk to you I’ll talk to you, but I’m not a head case and…”

“Jane, I’m not saying you are. Not everyone that goes to see a psychiatrist is a head case. I just think that you need to let it out before you explode. Besides, Internal Affairs is going to make you go to one of theirs so…”

“Like I said, I’ll talk to you.”

“It can’t be just me. I’m a medical examiner, I’m not a therapist.”

“No but you’re my girlfriend and I should be able to talk to you. I’m sorry that I haven’t.”

Maura’s head tilted as she looked at me. “Sometimes telling a complete stranger something about yourself is a lot easier than telling someone you know because there’s no emotional attachment there. A friend of mine is a therapist and I think you should talk to him.”

I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought it over. I know she’s right and I’m getting to the point where my traumas are piling up in my head. “Fine. I’ll go only if you go with me and you DO NOT tell my mother or Frankie.”

“Deal.” Maura smiled.

I love her smile.

CHAPTER 2

With my arm wrapped around hers, supporting me so I don’t fall on my ass, we walk into the doctor’s office.

“Good afternoon, Maura. It’s good to see you.”

“Thanks for squeezing us in on such short notice,” Maura said, shaking his hand. “This is Jane Rizzoli.”

“Nice to meet you.” He motioned towards the couch, “Please, have a seat.”

Maura helped me sit, making me feel incapable. “I’m fine, I got it,” I said as I grunted and sat down; letting out the breath I was holding.

“So,” the doctor started as he sat down and took out a pen, preparing to take notes, “Maura told me what happened at the station. How are you feeling?”

I shrugged. “I’m fine.”

He jotted down something and I wondered what because I’d only said two words.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened that day from your point of view.”

“I thought you said you already heard what happened?”

This was one of the reasons why I didn’t care much for shrinks. Head games.

“I did but I want to hear how the events took place as you saw them unfold. That will help guide me through what you’re feeling.”

I sucked in a breath and blew it out slowly. “It started out as a regular day, nothing out of the ordinary. I had to interview a witness so I put my gun in my desk.”

“Is that procedure?”

“When we’re interviewing someone who might pose a threat, yes.”

“Did he threaten you?”

“She. And no, but she was unstable. It takes two seconds for some scumbag to turn on you in that tiny room, I wasn’t taking any chances. I’ve had it happen to me before.” I noticed Maura look at me and suddenly I wondered if having her here was such a good idea because she was probably going to be exposed to things that will make her worry about me even more.

“Then what happened?”

“We started to hear gunshots. We tried to escape in the stairwell and…” I stopped; flashing back to the image of her sitting against the wall covered in blood. I cleared my throat. “Um, I…I left her there to go back and get my gun. When I got to my desk it was gone and by the time I got back to her she was…she…was dead.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

I thought about if for a few seconds. “Almost like I killed her myself because I basically left her there to die. I told her she’d be safe there and I lied.”

He scribbled notes.

I gritted my teeth in anger. “I met Bobby in the stairwell.” My anger became obvious.

“Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”

My hands curled to make fists and I absently rubbed my injured side. “I’m pissed off.”

“At?”

“Bobby. Fuckin’ traitor. Turns out he was the one that stole my gun.” I took a deep breath and blew it out. “Yep. The gun I shot myself with.” I looked at Maura but quickly looked away.

Maura gasped. “Jane.”

“So I assume you were unaware of this,” the doctor asked; trying to figure this all out.

She struggled to find words. “I…I had no idea. No one ever said anything. Jane?”

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I’m having a hard enough time trying to accept it that my own bullet caused all this damage.” My voice cracked as a tinge of emotion bore through.

“Why do you feel this way, Jane?”

“Because cowards take one of their own bullets, not me. People who want to take their own lives.”

“Do you think the owner of the bullet matters?”

“Excuse me, doctor?”

“You shot yourself to kill Bobby, if I understand the situation correctly. Are you saying that if you knew it was your own gun you wouldn’t have shot yourself?”

I chewed on my bottom lip. I didn’t want him to be right in this. I didn’t want him making sense of this mess.

“Frankie needed help and I did what I had to do. If I knew it was my gun I still would have pulled the trigger.”

“So you realize that you’re not a coward or like any of those people that take their own lives?”

“I guess so.”

“What you did was selfless. Not many people would risk their own life for others, even loved ones.”

“It was pretty stupid though,” Maura chimed in.

“What?” I was surprised by her comment to say the least.

“What you did was heroic but at the same time it was stupid. It’s almost hypocritical; like saying you love us but yet you don’t love us enough because you don’t value your own life.”

“That’s not true!”

* * * * *

“Why didn’t you just let them handle it, Jane?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I begged them to shoot him and they wouldn’t. They all stood there and did NOTHING! You know Frankie was dying in there. I had to end it and that was the only way.”

“So you couldn’t have pulled the gun around to shoot him in the leg or something?”

I looked at the doctor who was busy scribbling away on his notepad. “Have you ever had a gun to your head, Maura? No? Right. Or what about a fucking scalpel to your throat? No? I thought so.” I stood up, wincing at the sudden movement and almost toppling over.

Her hand came out and I batted it away.

“When you’re in a life threatening situation and someone has control over you, you have to think fast and do whatever it takes to get out of it. Did I take a chance out on that street that day? Absolutely. I couldn’t just let him take me hostage only to have a bullet in my skull two miles down the road.”

I started pacing; running my hands through my hair.

“He was dying. My brother was dying right there in front of me.”

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

“I don’t like not being in control,” I mumbled; chewing on my thumbnail.

Scribble.

Scribble.

“Fucking bastard taunted me, telling me that Frankie was probably already dead. That’s when the fire ignited inside me and I grabbed the gun.”

I stopped pacing and before I knew it, Maura had her arms around me. “Jane, stop.”

“I…I heard you calling me seconds before I pulled the trigger.” I couldn’t help it, I started to cry.

“Oh, Jane.”

“I’m so sorry you had to see what you saw.”

Her hands cupped my face. “It’s okay. Come sit back down.” She guided me over to the couch and helped me sit.

I grabbed some Kleenex and wiped my eyes and nose. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, this is what you’re here for,” the doctor reminded me.

CHAPTER 3

“So, Jane. How have you been sleeping?”

I looked at Maura and then back at the doctor. “Well.” I ran my hands through my hair; nervous. “I’ve been having some nightmares.”

“Flashbacks from the shooting?”

I didn’t answer him right away. “That and…well…”

“It’s okay, you can say it,” Maura assured me, patting my arm.

“Hoyt.”

“Who is Hoyt?”

It felt like the room was closing in on me and I started to fidget with my hands, rubbing my scars as if I could make them go away. “He’s probably the sickest bastard ever to roam this planet as far as I’m concerned.”

“Why is that?”

I held up my hands and showed the doctor the scars on each side. “He gave me these to remember him by.”

“What happened?”

I sucked in a breath; feeling Maura’s hand on my back, rubbing it to soothe me. “Long story short, he kidnapped a woman and was going to kill her. I found her in a basement. I made a huge mistake that night. A mistake that will haunt me forever.”

Scribble.

“I lost my focus and gave him complete control that night. That mistake almost cost me my life.” I continued to rub my hands. “He came up behind me and hit me with a wood board; knocked me to the floor and then hit me a couple of times in the ribs, broke two of them. The pain paralyzed me and he took advantage of it and…” I stopped as I flashed back to that night.

The doctor stopped scribbling and looked at me; adjusting his glasses a bit.

“He got on top of me and stabbed a scalpel into my right hand; pinning me to the floor like some sort of lab experiment. Then he did the same to my left. But he wasn’t finished there, he was going to slit my throat.”

I wanted him to say something but he just kept writing.

“My partner came in and shot him just as he was about to slice my throat. I remember feeling the blade pinch my skin and thought for sure I was a goner.”

“Is he dead?”

“No. That’s part of the problem.”

“So if he was dead do you think that you’d feel better about it?”

I thought about it for a moment. “No. I probably wouldn’t. His death can’t erase what he did to me. And the fact that he’s tried twice now to kill me is probably the reason why he’s invaded my dreams.”

“Twice. What happened the second time?”

“He escaped from prison and tried to finish the job.”

“I see.”

“I don’t dream about him every night but it’s more often than I’d like.”

“What happens in your dreams?”

“He’s trying to kill me. The other night felt so real I could have sworn he was there. Even smelled him.”

“Our sense of smell is one of our strongest sense so you’re probably working off of memory from the first encounter.”

“I just know that he’s still here and that he’s making it his mission in life to kill me. He’s pretty much admitted that, and I’m not looking forward to the day he tries again. I also worry that he’ll go after Maura to get to me.”

“I couldn’t help but notice when you came in and Maura tried to help you sit you pushed her away a bit. Given all that you’ve told me today, do you think it’s fair for me to say that you have trouble with control?”

“That’s a fair statement.”

“It appears to me that you’re traumatized by the events that have happened to you, which is a normal response to what you’ve been through, but you’re also traumatizing yourself because of your control issues.”

“I’m a cop, doctor, and I shouldn’t have become a victim. Hell, my boss even called me a victim during the last go–round with Hoyt.”

“And you are a victim, but it is important to remember that you’re also human, Jane. Cop or not, you…”

I started to get agitated and just cut him off. “You’re not a woman in a male dominated field who is constantly under the microscope so you don’t understand. I allowed myself to be pinned to the ground by a psychopath.”

“So you willingly let him do it?”

“No. He beat me down, literally, and did it.”

“So you really didn’t ‘allow’ him to do anything.”

“Listen, do you honestly think my fellow officers would think I’d be able to back them up after having that happen? Especially my own partner. Christ, he found me that night; broken and bleeding, crying like a fuckin’ baby.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“Yes. He said it doesn’t matter. And maybe it doesn’t matter with Korsak but he’s only one person and I can’t help but feel like the others will always think differently of me.”

“After what you did that day when Bobby took you hostage, there wasn’t one cop there that day that wasn’t concerned about you,” Maura said.

“Concerned. Pity. Call it what you want but…”

“But nothing!! Why do you always push people away when they try to care about you or God forbid help you?”

I squeezed the bridge of my nose. “I don’t want to be viewed as weak. I can run with the boys just as…”

“No shit, Jane. That’s obvious on any case you’ve worked on and they all know it. Sure there are a few that will always have their heads up their asses, but the majority of those guys care about you and would chose YOU to back them up in a heartbeat.”

Wow. I’ve never heard Maura curse before.

The doctor turned the page of his notebook. “I think your feelings towards your colleagues is another need for control because you can’t control what they’re feeling.”

I nodded but couldn’t say anything.

“You’ll never control what people think of you, that’s just life. You need to learn to focus on your achievements and not care so much what others think. Tell me, your last encounter with Hoyt, how did that end?”

“He kidnapped me and was going to kill me but I managed to get away from him; shot him.”

“So you took control of the situation and put him back in jail, correct?”

“Yes.”

“When you were shot outside the station, did you control what you decided what was the best course of action for that situation?”

“Yes.”

“So then you DO have control, Jane. You may not be able to control outcomes and things might not always go as you plan them, but you do have some control.”

Again, I only nodded.

“In terms of you letting people in, you need to work on that. Life goes by very quickly and it can get really lonely if you try to do everything yourself. It seems to me that you’ve got people around you that care very much about you.” He glanced at Maura.

I looked at Maura as well.

“Well, that’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to see you a few more times but that’s up to you, Jane.”

“I’ll call you,” I said; not committing to anything. “Thank you for your time.”

“You’re welcome.”

Maura slipped her hand in mine and we exited the office.

~fin~