I’ve learned a lot about people since I passed over to the other side. I’ve learned that Susan Mayer regularly eats a whole tub of ice-cream during the day while Julie is at school and then goes running because she feels so guilty. I’ve learned that Gabrielle Solis closes all her drapes once a month while she waxes her upper lip, because Carlos refuses to pay for electrolysis. And I’ve learned that, most afternoons, Bree Van De Kamp and Lynette Scavo meet at Bree’s house and make love.
I had always known that they were close, but since Bree’s husband died and Lynette’s husband moved out soon afterwards, they’ve grown even closer. It’s clear to me from seeing them together that they are meant for each other. Only when they are together are they truly happy. They just needed a nudge in the right direction. It just so happens that the nudge came from a very unexpected source. It all started one Tuesday at a poker game…
Five women sat around Lynette Scavo’s table, tidying cards away and gossiping. Lynette usually loved poker day. But that day, she found that she couldn’t relax. Her eyes were repeatedly drawn to the two women sitting opposite her. Edie Britt was, as usual, dressed for a night on the tiles rather than a mid-morning poker game. Her top was tight, the neckline plunging dangerously low into her substantial cleavage. This was nothing out of the ordinary. However, her actions were entirely new.
Since arriving, she’d barely moved from Bree’s side. She’d engaged her in a conversation about cooking before they’d taken their seats. When they were ready to start, Edie had made sure to sit next to Bree, their elbows frequently touching. All during the game Edie had whispered to Bree, eliciting smiles and once, a giggle. And now the game had finished, they were still talking. And Lynette didn’t like it. Edie and Bree had never been close. They didn’t really have much in common, with Bree’s high morals and Edie’s low ones. So where this had come from was beyond Lynette. Edie was currently running her hand up and down Bree’s arm.
“I just adore this sweater. Cashmere, right?” Edie said, her voice low and throaty. Lynette felt her teeth clench.
“Yes, yes it is.” Bree replied, barely glancing at Edie who was still rubbing her arm.
“Yeah, you always dress fabulously. I don’t think I ever told you that before.” Edie smiled. Lynette fumed.
“Why thank you Edie, and you always dress…you have such an individual style yourself.”
Edie beamed and Lynette snorted and tried to cover it with a cough. Bree looked over at her disapprovingly and she shrugged. Bree lifted her glass and took a drink.
“Oh, Bree, you have something on your lip…let me just…”
And with that Edie reached over and ran her thumb along Bree’s bottom lip. Slowly and deliberately, leaning towards Bree as she did so. Lynette suddenly found herself fighting the urge to pull Edie across the table and engage in a knockdown, drag-out bitch fight right there on her kitchen floor. Instead she stood up, scraping her chair loudly on the tiles, startling everyone. They all looked at her, Gabrielle and Susan’s conversation halted in mid-flow, Edie’s thumb remained on Bree’s mouth. Lynette couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
“Uhh…I…sorry, I thought I heard the baby crying…guess I didn’t.”
“Isn’t that why you have a live in nanny?” Gabrielle enquired.
Her friends looked at her quizzically but returned to their conversations. She listened in to what Edie was saying.
“So…now that you’re a single gal again you need to get out there, get seen…you should come out with me, I know how to show a girl a good time…just ask Susan!”
Susan looked horrified.
“Yeah, if your idea of a good time involves a mechanical bull and ritual humiliation.” She flushed slightly at the memory.
“Thank you for the offer Edie, but I’m not sin…I mean, I’m not ready for all of that just yet.”
“OK, well, when you’re ready to get back on the horse…or the bull…you just give me a call.” Edie winked and again, Lynette fought down the desire to punch her.
“Yes…well, quite. I really ought to get going…my house is such a mess.” Bree stood up, everyone ignored the blatant lie.
“Me too, I have some stuff to get to the publishers this afternoon.”
Everyone stood up, gathering their various belongings. Bree opened the door and turned to Lynette.
“Are you coming over later?” she asked in a low voice.
“Of course.” Lynette replied. “I’ll see you then.”
Lynette said goodbye to her guests. Edie was the last to head out of the door. Lynette caught her elbow and pulled her back so they were face to face.
“What was all that about today? What the hell were you doing?”
Edie was the picture of fake innocence. She even had the gall to put a hand to her chest.
“Me? Doing? I have no idea what you mean.”
“You know exactly what I mean. All that stuff with Bree, the flirting and talking about ‘getting back on the horse’…her husband just died for Christ’s sake.”
Edie squared her shoulders in the face of Lynette’s obvious irritation.
“OK, firstly, he didn’t ‘just die’. He’s been dead for over a year. Secondly, why shouldn’t I flirt with her and invite her out, she’s a free agent isn’t she?”
Edie’s eyebrow rose as she said the last part, as if challenging Lynette to dispute this fact. Lynette bit back a response and Edie smirked.
“You’re her friend, Lynette, not her keeper. Sooner or later someone’s gonna come along and snatch her up. She’s quite a catch is our Mrs Van De Kamp. She could make somebody very happy.”
Lynette found herself nodding in agreement. Edie turned and headed down the path, calling back over her shoulder.
“I’m only thinking of her happiness, Lynette…maybe you should do the same.”
Lynette was left alone in her doorway.
“Maybe I should.” she whispered, to no-one in particular.
Later that afternoon, Lynette crossed the street to Bree’s house. She had stopped knocking long ago so she let herself in.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“In the kitchen.”
Lynette followed the scent of baking and found Bree bending to put something in the oven. She stood and turned, a smudge of flour highlighting a sharp cheekbone. Lynette moved towards her.
“You have something on your cheek…let me just…”
She reached up to wipe away the mark, cupping Bree’s cheek after she’d done so and bringing their lips together. Bree’s arms went round Lynette’s waist, pulling her closer. They kissed languidly in the early evening sunshine streaming in the window. When they parted, Bree returned to tidying up and Lynette hopped up on the counter to watch.
“I think Edie might know about us.” Lynette stated, feeling it was best to get it out in the open.
Bree turned to face her, a twinkle in her eye.
“You think so, do you?”
Lynette nodded, a bit thrown by Bree’s slightly mocking tone.
“Uh…yeah…it was something she said tod-…why are you smiling like that?”
Bree shook her head and walked over to where Lynette was sitting on the counter, positioning herself between her legs.
“Lynette, there is no doubt in my mind that Edie knows about us.”
“What?” Lynette was taken aback. “Did she say something to you?”
“She didn’t have to. I knew by the way she was acting today.”
“You mean the outrageous flirting?”
“Only partly. And that wasn’t flirting.”
“I beg to differ. I know flirting when I see it.”
“No, it was provocation. Every single time she spoke to me or touched me she would look straight to you for a reaction. And I must say, sweetie, you provided her with one every time.”
Lynette pouted. Bree laughed.
“So, that’s where Porter gets that look from. Look, honey, Edie knows…is it really that big a deal?”
Again, Lynette was shocked.
“I…I guess…it’s not a big deal if you don’t think it’s a big deal.”
Bree looked at Lynette for a long time.
“What I think is that life is too short to worry about silly things. What I think is that we need to grab all the happiness that we possibly can and cherish it. What I think is that it’s a crying shame that we need to carry on this charade of separate lives.”
“So…what are you saying?”
Bree smiled softly.
“I’m saying that I love you and that I want to be with you and that I don’t care what anyone else thinks about that.”
Lynette’s face lit up with a bright smile.
“I love you too. And I couldn’t give a damn about what anybody thinks.”
“Don’t curse,” she scolded.
Bree obliged willingly.
As Lynette walked home that evening, she found herself heading in the direction of Edie’s house. She knocked on the door. Edie answered, wearing only a very short dressing gown.
“Oh, it’s you. Come to yell at me some more?”
Lynette scuffed the toe of her shoe on the porch.
“Actually, I came to apologise. And to thank you for waking me up to certain home truths.”
“So, you’ve decided to get your ass into gear and do something huh? Good for you. It’s such a waste to have the two of you pining away for each other, pretending that you’re not over there every afternoon screwing each other senseless.”
“Well, I wouldn’t put it quite that way…”
“I bet she’s a hellcat in bed, right? I always thought that repressed thing was kinda hot…like she just needed to explode.”
Edie winked. Lynette pressed her lips together. She’d only wanted to apologise, not get into the details of her love life.
“Ooookay, so, like I said, sorry and thanks.”
And so Lynette headed home. She never would have thought that Edie Britt would have been the catalyst that brought her relationship with Bree out in the open. Now it only remained to tell people, her own kids, Danielle and Andrew, Susan and Gabby. But that would wait until another day. Tonight she would go home and inform the nanny that she’d be spending the night with her lover.
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