Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

*****

The day after my father’s funeral I went out and screwed John Rowland.

The nights after he died I’d lain awake listening to my mother scream and cry. There were times that I thought she might actually die from the pain she was in. That she’d die of a broken heart. And I decided there and then that I would never love anyone like that. I’d never care so much that losing someone would make me feel like she felt.

So I went to John’s dorm and fucked him. Obviously it was a pity fuck on his part. Poor Danielle, her dad just died, I can’t reject her again. He seemed to know what he was doing so I let him do whatever he wanted. It was uncomfortable and it hurt. I held onto that pain. The pain made me hate him a little and that’s what I wanted. I didn’t want him to hold me close afterwards. I didn’t want to cry into his chest and for him to kiss away my tears. But he did.

I left while he was sleeping. The next morning I had blood on my panties and I smiled. He had made me bleed. I hated him.

After that I pretty much slept with any boy who asked nicely. And even those who didn’t. I had sex in the boys’ locker-room, under the bleachers, in my mother’s bed. She was a zombie. She didn’t care about anything. And every time I saw that pale, drawn face it made me more determined never to be like her. I had always thought that, if nothing else, she was a strong woman. Pretty clueless, but strong. And she’d been reduced to this empty shell all because she loved him so much.

Sometimes the boys I slept with were a little rough. I was easy, so I deserved everything they gave me. I’d go to Julie’s house with a split lip or because I was so bruised I couldn’t sit down. She’d clean me up and lecture me on diseases and pregnancy. She reminded me of my mother. And then one night, for some reason, she kissed me. It was strange. Not like when the boys kissed me. They were hard, all teeth and tongue. Julie was lips. Soft, warm lips.

That night she held me close. I lay awake and tried not to like it. In the morning, when she woke up I kissed her and climbed on top of her. But she shoved me off and shook her head.

I found myself going to Julie’s house more often. And not always after I’d been screwed by some faceless, nameless boy. We kissed some more. But she never wanted to go further than that. I kept trying to but she wouldn’t let me. I hated it that she wouldn’t let me hate her.

Eventually, my mother started to improve. She started doing her hair and putting on something other than sweatpants. She started to see her friends again. In hindsight, I should’ve seen it coming. Stupidly I thought that she’d finally figured it out, that she could get on with her life without love. But I was wrong. The stupid bitch had gone and fallen in love again. It made me so angry that she didn’t see what love does to you. That it leaves you open to hurt and loss. That it is no use whatsoever.

The night I walked in on my mother and Lynette Scavo kissing on our couch I went out and screwed Mike Delfino.

Now Julie hates me.

And I’m just fine with that.