Life goes on

When I see her come into the restaurant my heart does something in my chest that makes it difficult for me to breathe. Any interest I had in what my associate was saying has flown right out of the window. She’s still so beautiful, even in her grief. She’s come to have lunch with Phyllis.

Vaguely I’m aware of someone saying my name.

“Lynette? Hello?”

“I’m sorry. I just saw a very good friend of mine come in. Her husband just died and I really should go over and say hi.”

It occurs to me that I may be throwing away a very big account by leaving this guy sitting alone at a table but I’m already standing up and moving away when I hear him give the expected ‘of course’ response.

As I draw nearer the table I can see that there’s something lacking in her. Her usual vibrancy and colour are muted by all the black. Her face is even paler than usual and her gorgeous hair is pulled back into a severe bun. She looks amazing.

She also looks pissed off. I love Tom’s mother but I don’t think I could spend a whole week in her company either. And Phyllis looks to be very hard work. She hasn’t noticed me approaching so I call out a greeting.

“Hi.”

She turns at the sound of my voice, and instantly her face changes. It breaks my heart to see the sadness in her eyes, shining past the warm smile.

“Hi..”

“Oh, hi Lynette!”

Usually we’re not prone to public displays of affection, for obvious reasons, but today I just can’t not kiss her. I lean in and press my lips to her cheek. Her face brushes against mine and I take a second to inhale her. Conscious that her mother in law is watching us, I pull back and look at her.

“I’m sorry am I interrupting?”

“No, no, not at all.”

“I saw you walk in and I’ve been meaning to call since the service, but work’s been so crazy so…”

The truth is that I’ve wanted to go over. Every single night when I get out of my car I look at her house and I have to physically stop myself from crossing the street. She needs time to grieve, I tell myself. Rex’s mother is there, it’s a time for family. But now, looking at her, I wish I’d just crossed the damn street and held her.

“…how are you doin’?”

She takes a moment to consider this.

“Ummm, I’m alright.”

I almost expect her to brush off my enquiry. To do that ‘Bree’ thing that she does and hide how she’s feeling. Instead her answer contains genuine emotion. And it also tells me that she’s so very far from being alright. I’m so in awe of how she can function quasi-normally. Rex’s mother makes sobbing sound. I can see from the look on Bree’s face that it’s best to ignore her. I turn back to look at Bree and suddenly I’m overcome with love for her.

“Well, you look amazing.”

She looks really surprised and touched. Something tells me no-one’s really bothered to pay much attention to Bree. It’s easy to do, she’s so in control, she’s the one who fixes other people when they break. But she needs love just as much as the next person. And I feel so guilty that I’ve not been there to give it to her.

“Do I?”

“Absolutely.”

I mean that most sincerely. She looks amazing. She is amazing to me.

Phyllis’ sobbing increases in volume. She reminds me of a child who wants to be asked what’s wrong.

“Well, I can’t imagine what you’re going through…”

Phyllis emits another strangulated sob. Bree turns to face her. Her face is now a frozen mask of a smile. She’s rapidly nearing the end of her tether.

“Phyllis, you’re going to have to stop that.”

“I can’t help it. When people talk about Rex…I…I…I just get emotional.”

She’s looking at me, looking for a response. Talking to her really is unavoidable now. I shoot Bree an apologetic glance before moving over to Phyllis.

“Oh…well, I’m very sorry for your loss too, Phyllis.”

“He was my first born. I don’t know what I will do without him.”

She trails off into a kind of wail. I look to Bree for help but she is still stone-faced. So I move in and place a hand on the crying woman’s shoulder.

“Awww, I’m so sorry.”

She grabs my arm and starts weeping all over my suit. It seems slightly forced, but then, she has just lost her son. I turn back to Bree.

“Is she gonna be OK?”

“Umm, yeah, sure. Hold on a second.”

She stands up and walks around to where Phyllis is sitting. For a second I think she’s going to console her. She reaches out and takes the old lady’s face in her hand. Then draws her other hand back and slaps her right across the face. Phyllis gasps. Bree returns to her seat.

“There we go. Feel better?”

Well, it did the trick. She’s stopped crying. Bree focuses on me again.

“Lynette, you were saying?”

I have absolutely no idea what I was saying.

“I…forgot.”

However, it is now clear that I need to spend some serious alone time with Bree. Soon.

“That’s alright. It was really sweet of you to stop by.”

I can’t think of a single thing to say. I want to say so much but none of it is appropriate here. I want to kiss her, but that’s impossible.

“’Kay”

So I just walk away and leave them. I will go to Bree’s house tonight.

*****

I wonder how much longer Phyllis is going to stay here. I really can’t deal with her for too much longer. She seems to be taking up all the room in my house. I can’t move for her, I can’t breathe for her. She needs to leave. Now she’s rabbiting on about people dying.

“It’s probably easier…when people are just diseased.”

I look up to see if she’s joking. It’s clear that she’s not.

“Probably.”

“Hi.”

Now there’s a voice I didn’t expect to hear. I turn around and see her approaching me. She’s so beautiful and, I feel so guilty for thinking this, sexy in her business suit and stilettos. Ever since he died, I’ve felt guilty for wanting her. Lying alone in bed I want her to be there and I feel guilty. Now, seeing her like this, I want her even more.

“Hi.”

“Oh hi Lynette.”

She leans down and kisses my cheek. It’s quick but it’s exactly what I needed. A physical connection to her, the feel of her skin against mine. It’s all I can do not to turn my face so that our lips meet. She rubs my shoulder comfortingly and I want more. I want her to hold me. But she can’t, not here, not with Phyllis watching.

“I’m sorry am I interrupting?”

“No, no, not at all.”

I shoot a glance at Phyllis. She’s been so into this ‘family’ thing that I half expect her to tell Lynette that she is in fact interrupting. Just let her try.

“I saw you walk in and I’ve been meaning to call since the service, but work’s been so crazy so…”

In a way I’m glad she hasn’t been over. I couldn’t stand being in a room with her and Phyllis, knowing that I couldn’t touch her. In another way I’m mad at her for not coming. I need her now, just as much as before. Maybe more.

“…how are you doin’?”

How am I doing? I’m not all that sure. I haven’t been able to grieve properly; I haven’t had anyone to talk to other than the children and Phyllis. The real concern in her eyes gives me pause. So few people have that. They’ll ask how I am and make all the right noises, but it’s almost always just because it’s ‘the done thing’.

“Ummm, I’m alright.”

Am I alright? For such a long time I haven’t felt alright unless I’m with her that I don’t know anymore. Phyllis starts sniveling. I give her a look, warning her not to do this again. Lynette, thankfully, ignores her.

“Well, you look amazing.”

She’s lying. I look anything but amazing. But I generally know when she’s being economical with the truth and it doesn’t look that way now.

“Do I?”

I’m aware of how needy I sound. But just talking to her, just knowing that someone actually cares how I am, makes me hungry for more of her attention.

“Absolutely.”

I am always moved by Lynette’s eyes. They’re so expressive and right now they are shining with so much affection that I think my heart might burst from it. Phyllis starts up again. I turn to face her. Not here. Not now.

“Well, I can’t imagine what you’re going through…”

The histrionics continue across the table and I really can’t ignore it any longer. Lynette is here to see me. She cares about how I feel. I won’t have that old witch steal her away from me. I muster up as much control as I possibly can.

“Phyllis, you’re going to have to stop that.”

She addresses Lynette now. Giving her recently perfected ‘pathetic grieving mother’ expression.

“I can’t help it. When people talk about Rex…I…I…I just get emotional.”

Then it happens. She starts to move away from me, apologizing with her eyes as she does so. She goes to her.

“Oh…well, I’m very sorry for your loss too, Phyllis.”

“He was my first born. I don’t know what I will do without him.”

She reaches out and touches Phyllis. To comfort her. Like everyone else.

“Awww, I’m so sorry.”

Phyllis grabs her arm, yanking it towards her and rubbing her face on it. I am so consumed with anger now that I can’t think. She can have everybody else. The whole world. But she can’t have Lynette.

“Is she gonna be OK?”

I look to see that Lynette is staring at me worriedly.

“Umm, yeah, sure. Hold on a second.”

I’ve been wanting to do this for days. Maybe years. I gently take Phyllis’ face away from Lynette’s expensive suit, holding it steady. Then I slap her. Hard. Across the face. It is supremely satisfying and achieves its purpose. She is no longer crying. I sit back down and rearrange my napkin.

“There we go. Feel better?”

She stares back at me, mutely. I much prefer her this way. I turn my attention back to Lynette.

“Lynette, you were saying?”

I think I may have shocked her. She looks uncomfortable.

“I…forgot.”

She really shouldn’t have to be a party to our familial squabbling.

“That’s alright. It was really sweet of you to stop by.”

“’Kay”

She looks like she wants to say more. I know I have more to say to her. But now is neither the time or the place. She starts to walk away and already I miss her. Instead of watching her go I focus on Phyllis, who is still struck delightfully dumb.

“So, are we ready to order or do you need a little more time?”