A Wee Bit O' the Irish Charm
FANDOM: Birds of Prey TV
RATING: parts range from PG to PG-13
DISCLAIMER: Birds of Prey and all its characters still belong to DC Comics and Warner Brothers.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok this is just silly, fluffy and perhaps wayyyyyy too corny but wanted to do something for St. Paddy's day - and somehow this leaked out :-P Characters thoughts are often put between ~ ~ symbols
ARCHIVING: DocWho2100's Page.
"Please stop making that noise. I'm trying to work on this match."
"You know for someone of your beauty and grace that is not really very becoming."
"I am sure Dinah might need some help right now, or maybe Alfred down in the garage could use a hand."
"Don'thmmmm wanna" crunch crunch "Bus-blurble - y"
"And the manners just keep improving."
"Some of us actually are trying to work to catch criminals here." Finally tearing her eyes from the photographs and symbols that were flashing on her screen, she turned to face her companion.
"Helena, if yo...wha?"
The raven-haired woman looked up, a frown on her face as she paused her current activity. "Everything alright Barbara?"
Recovering from her slight hesitation having caught Helena doing, well she was not quite sure what she was doing, the redhead wheeled closer trying to discern the woman's current activity. "That might depend on your definition of alright."
Shrugging, Helena looked back down at her spoon even as she balanced her bowl on her knees. Perched on the arm of the couch, she continued rearranging the contents of her spoon. Pausing she picked something out of the bowl and added it to the crowded utensil.
"Now we add playing with your food to the list of Helena's unique etiquette tips."
"It's going to be a bestseller," came the sarcastic reply even as the younger woman began muttering something to herself. "And I am not playing, I'm working."
Giving up for the moment on her project, Barbara wheeled the rest of the way over to the couch. Positioning herself so she could lean against Helena, she finally was able to discern the meta's all-engrossing task. A burple of laughter trickled up and out as she looked up catching mischievous blue eyes.
"What? You use your little computer to do your pattern research. I decided to help out and try a little research myself."
"Little? You called Delphi little..."
A hand appeared to waft in front of Barbara's face giving a casual dismissal to her concern. As the woman moved her hand back to continue her "research" she trailed a finger over Barbara's lips leaving a wet trail.
Licking the moisture off, Barbara shook her head at the milky taste even as she examined Helena's work.
"I think I've got the line up right."
"Actually Hel," Barbara reached over and switched two of the objects.
"Hey are you playing with my marshmallows?" Came an indignant reply.
"Is that some new slang come on phrase?" Barbara shot back even as she began reciting the commercial in her head, albeit against her sensible wishes. She clicked her tongue as Helena had switched the objects back.
"Feeling 'Lucky' are we?" Helena waggled her eyebrows then frowned as Barbara once again switched the position. "Man Barbara you're messing up the jingle."
"While I struggle not to groan at your attempt to employ the use of a pun, if you insist on wasting time playing with your imitation, dyed and artificially-flavored food," Barbara reached out grabbing the woman's hand even as it was about to change the sequence again. "At least listen to the only ounce of wisdom in this room right now and leave them in that order."
"Wisdom? More like wiseass-dom."
"Helena, that's not nice."
"You're messing with my karma and breakfast who says I have to be nice."
"Karma, how did we go from playing with artificially-flavored imitation and now soggy cereal bits to a metaphysical discussion?" Barbara felt her head spinning as she struggled to keep up with the brunette's thinking.
"This must be what it feels like to go chasing after you on the rooftops. I think I am getting dizzy." Barbara laughed some as she lifted the hand she was holding and kissed the palm.
"Ah trying to use your wily and sexy 'Charms' on me are you?"
"Oh god Helena, now you are moving back to butchered word play." Barbara found herself groaning out loud before continuing. "The sequence is pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, blue diamonds and green clovers. Purple horseshoes and subsequent marbits were added later."
The young woman absently shook her head back and forth and Barbara could almost hear the jingle going through Helena's head as she worked through the lineup. "Are you sure?"
Helena looked down at her spoon even as she reigned in the slight shiver that had passed through her body from feeling the silky lips ghost over her palm. "I thought the blue diamonds came first. I mean shit that ad was on almost everyday when I watched TV after school. And what the hell is a marbit?"
Barbara released Helena's hand and started to head back toward her work. "You were not the only one who raced home to watch Thundercats Helena." She answered over her shoulder. "And marbits is a term used as what I can only assume was the manufacturer's acknowledgement that the items you treasure were nothing more than sugar coated pieces of fluff."
"Are you making a crack about my viewing and eating habits?"
"I would never dare do that Helena. And I think I just said you were not the only one racing home to watch..." She smirked then as she noted the change in Helena's face using her peripheral vision.
"Oooo Barbara Gordon a closet Thundercats fan." Helena stalked towards the teacher.
"Perhaps. But at least I did not develop an obsession over a manufactured food product that has little redeemable value..."
"Hey these little fake manufactured bits as you so degradingly call them are very important investigative tools."
Helena laughed as she had not thought it possible for Barbara's brow to shoot that high and the look on her face..."Are you feeling ok Barbara? You look like you are in a bit of pain."
She set her bowl down on the table and crossed over to the redhead. A redhead who by now was simply staring at the brunette with a look of almost incomprehensible surprise etched on her face. "You should be careful making those types of faces Barbara. Didn't your mother warn you your face could freeze like that?"
Still not trusting the pitch of her voice, Barbara continued to stare at Helena as if she had sprouted an extra...no, make that three extra limbs.
Kneeling beside the flummoxed computer hacker, Helena enjoyed another warm laugh as she wrapped her arms around the redhead. Leaning in she kissed the woman's chin. "Geez Barbara." She leaned in then to kiss the woman's nose. "You'd think I broke you or something." She chuckled as she leaned in then placing a kiss on the woman's lips.
Responding finally, Barbara reveled in the kiss returning the favor before pulling back some against Helena's arms to look at the meta. "I am sure I will rue this moment, but tell me, please, exactly how these saccharin, colored marshmallow wannabes can be useful in an investigation?"
"Wannabes?" Helena shook her head and winked at Barbara. "They can give insight to your true bedroom personality."
"Okay, I knew I felt a migraine coming." Barbara dipped her head then and closed her eyes, the groan echoing around the Clocktower.
"No, no it's true. I found this Internet site and you can link your preference to what kind of lover you'd be." Helena paused half a beat. "When I was messing around the other day I found it. I thought maybe we could do a little hypothanthethis testing and see if it really is true. You know, are you a purple horseshoe or green clover kinda woman..."
Helena trailed off as she gulped some seeing the stern look brewing on the older woman's face..."Um, Barbara."
"I give you time to use one of the most sophisticated pieces of electronic equipment in the world, the world Helena, and you tie up my resources to...to research..." She stuttered not able to voice the sacrilege.
"Oh come on," Helena leaned in brushing back hair so she had free access to the earlobe. Nuzzling as she whispered, "Isn't your scientific curiosity piqued? Don't you want to help me test this out?"
"Hel..." Came the strangled reply which ended as a low moan as the brunette had begun to lick and nip fiercely on the earlobe.
A few heated and passionate minutes later, the two reluctantly pulled apart as Barbara's program beeped signaling completion. As she headed to the computer, Helena slurped her way toward the kitchen to put up her bowl.
After cleaning up, Helena came back in finding Barbara pouring over a printout as well as a map of New Gotham with some sort of symbol overlain on the map.
"Ignoring a certain brunette. Are you going to go for round two of..."
"My craving is satisfied. Well my food craving there is another craving..."
Barbara looked up over her glasses a look somewhere between hungry want and sheepish apologetic on her face. "I know sweetie. This recent crime wave has kept us both up, apart and then..."
"Too exhausted to even get undressed." Helena made a pouty face drawing a chuckle from the other woman.
"If we can put this group behind bars, at least the activity should die back down to the normal background levels. Maybe we can take a break then?"
"Which means I might get lucky from more than just eating a bowl of," she paused so she could stress the next word, "marbits."
"Try a little more sarcasm next time Helena, it makes you sound so sexy." Barbara threw out even as her gaze wandered back to the unfinished symbol on the screen.
Helena sighed seeing she had lost the redhead's attention so she wandered over and snagged a printout Barbara had made. She started reading over the list of places that had been robbed, the order and other information. She plucked at her lip as something seemed familiar about the list.
Barbara was muttering to herself as she reviewed the possible match. "Why would the computer select a Celtic Harp? Is that random or...well actually the symbol is almost complete. Maybe the completion of the symbol could tell us the next location?" She began typing.
"Is this a complete list and the exact order Barbara?" Hel called muttering the names over and over. A grunt served as acknowledgement and Helena grunted back as she rolled her lip. "The Pink Palace...Hillary's Orange Brigade..."
"And if you calculate the distance between each segment along the arc of the symbol..." Barbara's mind was clicking faster than her fingers and she kept jumping steps. "And use a simple regression to tease out the related distance..."
Helena's eyes widened as she realized why the list of business names seemed familiar. She started racking her brain for the missing piece. Barbara took a breath in as the computer worked on her model and spit out an answer.
"Indigo's Stallion Gems." Two voices shouted at the same time.
"Wha?" Again the reply came in stereo.
"You first." Was the dual reply.
"Jinx." Helena called as the two broke up laughing.
"I know where they are going to strike next."
"So do I."
"Indigo's Stallion Gems." They both answered and then looked amazed.
Helena held up a hand, "How did you figure that out?"
Looking overly proud, Barbara gestured at her monitor. "I thought there might be a pattern to the crimes and decided to set up a simulation to fit symbols to the pattern of the crime locations." Her hands started moving and typing as she had various windows popping up to illustrate her explanation.
"The closest fit was a rendition of a Celtic Harp, yet the symbol was not complete. By setting up a bit of a function to calculate the location's proximity and taking the inverse of the distance between..."
"Barbara, I think I caught your migraine."
The older woman stopped and blushed slightly. She smiled then as a warm hand caressed her flushed cheek. "You are so beautiful when you blush. I should find ways to embarrass you more often." Helena teased.
"Yes, well," Ducking her head slightly at the compliment wrapped in the tease, Barbara moved her hand to cover the one on her cheek. "Anyway, according to the calculations, this is the most likely target. How did you know?"
Helena's answering grin could only be described as very, very shit- eating. Looking like the cat that was about to pounce on the canary, Helena leaned in. "Because I am a purple horseshoe kinda woman." She whispered.
"Hel?" The puzzlement worked to clear the slight lusty haze that had started to develop as Helena moved close, her scent and voice almost overwhelming Barbara.
"The names of the locations. They are all associated with those marbits. The next item in the order is purple horseshoes: Helena clarified her eyes watching the changing emotions crossing Barbara's face
"Are you just trying to justify using Delphi to satisfy your lusty..." Barbara trailed off as her eyes widened, the burglarized places running through her mind. "Wow that's..."
"Freaky. Either someone is a little too obsessed, even more so than me, with breakfast fare or..."
"Or someone is trying to signal for help." She looked back at the screen.
"Guess I get to lounge around with the lions tonight?"
Seeing Barbara's questioning glance, Helena laughed and continued. "Man Barbara, your brows are getting a workout there. I thought Oracle was supposed to know all the answers."
The questioning glance began to darken in a hurry.
"Chill Red, the New Gotham First Bank is across the street and they have these great statues that are actually comfy and..."
Barbara took off her glasses rubbing at her face. "I will never be use to hearing you call a stone masonry object comfy." She laughed as she began pulling up information on the gem shop. "Okay, so let's set up a plan."
"Huntress, what is going on? There is electronic interference taking out the security cameras. I'm trying to compensate...Ow! Damn! And well...shit." Her exclamation was from the fact the comms had suddenly begun emitting static as well.
Helena had been spending a lazy night watching a dark store until about 5 minutes ago when a van had pulled up. She'd communicated she was going in and had been silent since.
Barbara was not sure if it was an optional silence, forced or other. Typing furiously, the redhead continued trying to find a link to Helena.
"Shit." Helena exclaimed as she dropped to the floor inside the shop. She shut off the comms as the static had been like a loud gong to her sensitive hearing.
"Not very savor language for a lady." Came a quiet reply; the voice heavy with a thick Irish accent.
Helena jumped and looked around. The four gang members had gone into the vault and she had not seen anyone else enter the shop. So who was in the backroom with her? She peered into the darkness.
"Cat got your tongue? Hmm rude as well as using guttural speech. Maybe you are dumb too and can not understand what I am saying." The voice continued holding a sharp, taunting edge.
"Just keep talking because you are going," She lunged forward and around some displays then grabbing at the voice. "Down?"
She looked at where she had lunged then felt something kick her in the knee. "Agh.." She immediately crouched and kicked and heard a string of curses. Well she thought they were curses. Some words she did not recognize.
"You always make it a habit to pick on those weaker and less fortunate than you?" The voice rasped. Helena kept looking around trying to find the voice.
"Listen buddy just come out and I will not have to pick on you." She rubbed at her knee, "And you do not seem that weak. Oracle?" She whispered trying to see if contact had been reestablished.
"She can't hear you. They have me blocking any electronic devices."
"Yeah, right, whatever."
"Trusting little minx aren't ye?"
"You have not exactly made me feel all warm and fuzzy here."
"You don't seem like the warm and fuzzy type. More like the dark and brooding with a dash of irritating pig-headedness."
Helena paused and made face, "Actually you are right." With that she lunged again and ended up passing through air. Although she heard a laugh as she was falling forward and she twisted lashing out. She smiled as her fist connected with something solid although....
"You make that sound like it's dirty. You tend to do that a lot, don't you?"
"Your approach too many things tend to be one of taking a happy-go-lucky, sexual or a cavalier attitude. Do you ever take anything seriously?"
Helena made a face as she started moving forward listening carefully. "Hey I did not come here to listen to a Dr. Phil wannabe. I came here to bust you and your buddies."
"Not my buddies."
Helena paused, "What?"
A huge sigh wafted around the room. "You manage to decipher my call for help and yet have trouble picking up on the fact that maybe not everyone here is in on the fun. You are definitely not the brains of the operation."
Helena felt her irritation rising. "Listen invisible whatever you are, you are going down as soon as I..."
"Add angry-at-the-world to your character. I bet you have all of Alanis' CDs memorized." The voice snickered then. "So Ms. Leap-before-you-think-and-end-up-flat-on-your-arse, catch me."
Helena stood for a moment and then soundly growled as the unmistakable sound of someone blowing a raspberry floated across the room. "Why you little..."
"Now you are getting the idea. Um a little more growling and grunting and I may elevate my assessment of you to gorilla. Keep up the language strides and you may make semi-decent human someday."
Having her manners called into question for the second time that day was too much for the brunette and she started forward knocking over items in her path.
"Just like a raging lumbering rhino. Do you do other animal impressions too?" The voice beside her ear startled her but not enough to throw her. Turning quickly, her arm sweeping across the display case, she felt something solid and pushed.
She snickered then as she heard more curses and watched a pile of boxes tumble. About to take a step she paused amazed as a tiny man in green suddenly materialized in amongst the boxes. "What the fu..."
"Duck." The man said even as Helena was pushed from behind. Recovering quickly, the brunette began fighting the gang members that had entered the room to see what was making all the noise.
She quickly took down the two nearest her and was about to deliver a solid punch to a third when he called out, "Stop her."
Helena just laughed and was about to deliver her blow when she found she could not move her arm. Groaning she doubled over as the man countered and punched her in the midsection.
She rolled away and kicked out at another criminal and watched as he went flying across the room.
"I thought I said stop her." The man's voice rang out. As Helena went to take another swing she found her arm frozen. She ducked as a fist was thrown her way.
"What is going on?" Helena said frustrated as she dodged more blows seeming to only be able to go on the offensive.
"Listen you little green turd. I said stop her. You have to honor my wishes. I have your little power wood thing."
Helena was busy trying to block the blows from two of the assailants but managed to pick up on the conversation between the little man and the mouthy goon. Her peripheral vision feeding her the scene as the goon began to shake the little man roughly.
"I, Tierney Sherdaugh am following your wishes exactly. If you do not like it, tough. I bow only to the power of my, erm wood." The little man grimaced at the words even as his gaze had been fixed not on the gang member but on Helena.
"Call me a gorilla." Helena muttered jabbing roughly at one of the men and smiling as he slid unconscious to the floor. "I can get double meanings as well as Barbara."
The goon had a look of comprehension flash across his face. Unceremoniously dumping the little man he raced back towards the vault.
About to follow, Helena felt something grab her from behind. Lifting her arms up to break the hold, she began trading blows.
"You know this is the finest silk from Ireland and it was hand stitched. You should be a little more resp..erkkkk." The mouthy criminal had grabbed Tierney and was lifting him up so his feet swayed in the air.
He waved a tiny staff of some sort in front of the beleaguered man. "Now take out that bitch and make sure nothing else disturbs our 'shopping'."
Focused on making Tierney honor his desires, the man had neglected to keep an eye on Helena. Having managed to take down the other gang member, she grabbed a letter opener and flung it at the hand holding the staff. She pumped a fist in the air as the man cried out releasing both the staff and his captive.
Even as Tierney called out "Done", Helena was sliding across the floor grabbing for both the staff and the little man. Just as her fingers curled around the two, she felt a rush and suddenly found herself...
"What the hell?" Breathing hard she looked around trying to get her bearings.
"We are outside the store. He said to take you out and not disturb him." Tierney pointed as a large shield was now covering the store. Helena looked back at the little man even as she simultaneously heard two things, sirens in the distance and Oracle's calm but concerned voice over the comms.
"You did that?" Helena said in awe as she started to stand. She looked at the object she was holding and hesitantly offered it to the man.
"Huntress, there you are. I called the authorities and they should be arriving any moment. Are they going to be able to make an arrest?"
She ran her hand through her hair. "I think so. They..." she looked back at the shield. "Are contained."
"I had help." Helena looked back down at the man who was grinning, almost leering back up at her.
"Help? Is this help the person or persons whom set up the pattern?"
"I think so. I'm not sure. It would be nice if I could understand a little more what is going on."
Helena felt the same rush and crouched as she blinked, her surroundings having changed again. She swiveled some as she heard a familiar voice both in her comms and across the...room. "Helena?"
The redhead wheeled quickly, her hand dipping into the pocket of her chair for a weapon as she noted the sudden appearance of Helena and a man.
"Stop looking like someone just told you the truth that that blouse is so yesterday and ask away." Tierney said using his shillelagh to gently push Helena's chin up closing her gapping mouth.
"Yesterday? Now you have a problem with my fashion..."
"There's that brusque and mouthy demeanor I have grown to hate. Now, what do you need to understand?"
"Helena who is this?"
"Tierney Sherdaugh and because you released me from captivity I will award you both a shared wish." The man stated walking towards Barbara and bowing in greeting.
"Excuse me?" Helena stormed over to the man and grabbed his collar. "I've had enough of your little games here. I am not sure."
"Just because I do not look like that ghastly cartoonish figure on the box of that horrid food product you seem to consume..."
Not understanding the reference, Helena settled for looking even more menacing as she started to lift the man off his feet. A hand on her arm stopped her action and she looked over at Barbara. "What? I am going to interrogate the suspect."
"Hel put the, erm, well I believe Mr. Sherdaugh is a...leprechaun." She looked to the man for confirmation.
Tierney smiled, "I knew she was not the brains. I am glad to meet someone who actually has decided to use her brain for something more than snarky retorts that are not even cool never mind funny."
Helena frowned at the comment but relaxed her grip some. "So I can't shake him up, even a little? And Barbara, this is really a...aren't they just a myth?"
"Just like women who have super strength, speed and qualities not normal for a human?" Tierney retorted as he pulled out of Helena's grip. As she let him go, he moved back but took a swipe at her knee with his shillelagh.
"Son of a..." Helena bit back her words as she clasped at her knee.
"Now we are even." Tierney replied calmly smoothing down his suit. He picked at a rip. "I better get hazard pay for this. I loved this suit."
Sighing he shrugged his shoulders and looked at the two women. "Now then, I need your wish and I need it now. So clear your minds and the first wish you formulate will be fulfilled."
He straightened up then looking between the two.
Barbara responded immediately to the command sensing the seriousness. Employing meditation techniques, she cleared her mind even as she heard Tierney call out. "Done."
Barbara blinked and looked at the leprechaun, "What, done? But we just started clearing our minds..." She narrowed her eyes and looked slowly at Helena. "Now who is the one looking all sexy as they are blushing...Hellll..."
"Um, what? I was just thinking about something, um."
Barbara closed her eyes. "If the equivalent of the Stay Puft man walks through the door I am making sure you have dish duty times a hundred for the rest of your life."
"It was just something we were talking about earlier."
"A lifetime supply of cereal, I am still going for years of dish duty here."
Tierney laughed at the exchange noting how close the two were. "Alright everything is set, let's go."
"Go?" Both women echoed even as the surroundings shifted again.
Helena managed to shake off the change in location first as she started twirling around taking in the new environment. "Damn it looks just like what..."
"You wished for. Actually even though she was protesting, this was Ms. Gordon's wish as well." Tierney moved toward the door. "Everything's stocked and you have full run for the entire weekend."
"Wait, you didn't happen to..." Helena looked around then spotting the mini bar she bounded across the hotel suite and started opening drawers. "Oh hell yeah." She crowed and bent down.
Tierney could see Barbara wavering between confusion and amusement at Helena's actions, well now and oohs and ahhs from behind the counter. "You are to be undisturbed for the entire weekend. Nothing to distract you from each other. That was what she was thinking. Well actually her version was a little more NC-17." Tierney began to blush as Barbara laughed.
She stood then boxes of poptarts and other snack foods in her hands. "We are set Barbara. And oh wait if this is here is the..." Helena looked at the leprechaun.
Laughing he pointed at a door. Running across the suite, Helena disappeared into the next room. "Hey Barbaraaaaaaaa come hereeeeeee." She called, her voice suddenly taking on a teasing, husky tone.
The teacher raised her brow and looked at Tierney even as she heard splashing. "Get in here and get naked." Helena called.
As Barbara felt a flush creeping across her neck and cheeks, Tierney laughed, "Told you NC-17. Please enjoy, you both deserve so much. The community and those you save owe you a huge debt of gratitude."
Barbara cocked her head some but only nodded as Helena had reappeared and had begun to manually push the computer hacker's chair. "In here, now. Thanks again little green tur..."
"Excuse me?" He raised his shillelagh and waved it.
"Yeah okay, leprechaun." Helena made a face and pushed Barbara into the bathroom towards the large Jacuzzi filled to the brim with bubbles. "And enjoy your blue diamonds." She called out as she shut the door.
He shook his head listening to the conversation for a moment.
"Look Barbara, there's a rainbow in every bubble."
"Well actually it is just an iridescent optical reflection from..." Her words were muted then as if a hand had covered her mouth cutting off her reply.
"Eh, eh, eh...none of that. The rest of this weekend is science, crime, and thinking free. This is my wish..."
"Our wish," Barbara mumbled through the hand covering her mouth. She ended her muted reply by kissing the hand covering her mouth.
"Hey that tickles. Stop distracting me from admonishing you. I rarely am the one who gets to do the admonishing, so let me admonish already."
Trying to look properly subdued, Barbara just nodded managing to keep her laughter at bay, just.
"So where was I..."
"Yes, so none of that for the rest of the weekend. Just you me, a penthouse full of goodies and nothing else, got it? You heard the little green man." Helena cast a stern gaze at Barbara.
The redhead nodded somberly before letting her tongue dart out to leave a wet trail across the palm still over her mouth.
"Ooo that really tickles..."
"Ticklish? Well you think that is ticklish..." There was a sound of water splashing slightly.
"Barbara don't you dare...I'm warning you...Ba...bar...stop...s-s- top...ok, you asked for it."
Barbara's reply was lost as laughter and splashing filled the air.
Tierney stood in the hallway listening. Satisfied, he snapped his fingers and a ledger appeared. Raising his shillelagh, he moved it in the air and a name on the list was crossed out, a green streak going through the name.
"One owed wish and repayment of a life debt served. I never thought you'd call in your wish for saving my life Alfred Pennyworth. But as requested," He paused and shook his head. "A Barbara Gordon and Helena Kyle will be able to enjoy each other's company for the entire weekend completely undisturbed and with no knowledge of their charitable benefactor."
He paused as he heard squeals of laughter giving way to moans of pleasure. Blushing slightly he waved his hand sending away his ledger. "And that, I believe, is that. Enjoy lovely ladies, enjoy." And with a snap of his fingers he was gone.