The Blame Game
EldritchSandwich
DISCLAIMER: Birds of Prey and its characters are the property of Miller/Tobin Productions, Warner Brothers and DC comics. No infringement intended.
FANDOM: Birds of Prey (TV)
PAIRING: Barbara/Helena
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Takes place after ‘Devil’s Eyes’, and contains spoilers for that episode. But then, if you haven’t seen the entire series by now, you really have no one to blame but yourself.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
E-MAIL: eldritchsandwich@gmail.com
It’s all my fault, really.
I mean yeah, okay, if I actually stop to think about it, I know it’s not. I mean, I was just dropped down here in the middle of some big ol’ metahuman turf war, handed superpowers and expected to cope. It’s stupid to assume that there’s anything I, of all people, could have done. But you know how it is; when the parents are fighting, the kids blame themselves.
Not that Helena and Barbara are fighting. Sometimes I think that would actually be better.
The door slides open and Helena pokes her head through, arms full of grocery bags; she’s been taking care of things like that during Alfred’s much needed vacation. “How is she?”
I look across the room at where Barbara sits in the middle of her nest of computers, eyes locked on the screen. “The same.” Helena sighs. “I broke one of those vases she likes so much, accidentally-on-purpose. Got two whole words out of her.”
“Which words?”
“’It’s fine.’”
Helena mutters something under her breath that I think I’m pretty glad I don’t quite catch. I just take one of the grocery bags and start toward the kitchen.
As I put away groceries, Helena’s just pacing around the kitchen. “Look…I know you don’t want to leave her…us…but maybe you should just go out and patrol?”
Helena snorts as she hops up onto the counter. “For what? Ever since Quinzel…” She clears her throat. “Every lowlife in the city’s gone to ground. There’s hardly even any street crime anymore.”
“I just…I don’t like seeing both of you like this…”
I don’t realize I’m shaking until Helena’s hand lands on my shoulder. “Hey.” I look up into her eyes to find a look of sympathy I’ve never seen there before. “I’m sorry. It’s gonna be okay.”
I try to nod, but it comes out as more of a shake.
I don’t know if it will ever be okay.
It’s all my fault, really.
I mean, God, I’m supposed to be the superhero here and I let Dr. Quinz…Harley Quinn just use me like that. I should have been smarter, or more resistant, or known it was her, or something. I should have been stronger. And now because of me, the person I love more than anything is heartbroken.
I wasn’t even thinking about Dinah, about how hard all of this must be for her. That poor kid’s seen more death than anyone at her age deserves to. I was supposed to train her, I was supposed to protect her like Barbara did for me. I should have been able to protect them both.
I knew Barbara loved Wade. I didn’t have to like it, but I knew. Maybe that’s the thing that really keeps me up at night; knowing that she loved him in the way that she could never love me, did that stop me? Somewhere deep down, did that make me ignore something, or miss a window, or fail a test of will? If he had just been some guy, could I have snapped out of it? Saved him?
Did I want him dead for loving her?
As I watch Dinah throw me an unsteady smile as she walks out of the kitchen and off toward her room, my fist tightens.
This can’t go on.
It’s all my fault, really.
I knew the rules. I knew the risks. God, I knew the risks better than anyone. After what happened to Helena’s mother, to me…I knew what it would mean to try to have a normal life. But I was stupid, and selfish, and now a good and decent man is dead because of it.
And it was all for nothing.
“Barbara, we need to talk.”
Helena’s said that more than a couple times over the last week. Like every time, I ignore her. Ignore her and she’ll go away.
“Damn it, Barbara, I can’t do this anymore.”
She’s said that before, too. I just keep working. The clacking of the keys is almost enough to drown out—
“God damn it, Barbara, look at me!”
She spins my chair around, frosty eyes boring down into me and my breath hitches in spite of me. I clear my throat.
“I’m working.”
“No, you’re really not. Nothing here is.”
I try to close my eyes, but she jerks my face up toward hers and I’m so close to gone that it’s almost not worth resisting anymore.
“We have all lost people, Barbara. It hurts, but we still need you. Dinah needs you, I need you, and it is not fair to saddle us with—”
Helena’s words disappear as I push up into her lips, and a rush of heat goes down my back. Let her run, let her hit me, I don’t care. I don’t have the strength to fight it anymore. Her hand on my chin goes limp, grazing across my jaw as I raise a hand to the edge of her hair. She makes a little noise that must be surprise, and I pull back to find her staring at me.
Oh God, what have I done?
It’s all my fault, really.
All this time, all the days and nights we’ve spent together…I was so busy worrying about whether she knew how I felt that I never even considered…
She’s still looking up at me, eyes wide in fear, though I don’t know if it’s because of what she did or the fact that I did it back.
I try to say something, anything, but I can’t seem to get my throat—or my brain—to cooperate. Finally, I manage to force something out:
“Oh.”
The sound seems to snap Barbara out of it, and she shakes her head. “This is all my fault.” She’s shaking.
“What…huh?”
“After Wade…died…I felt sad, and angry, and heartbroken, and then…it just stopped.” Now, after a week of silence, the words are tumbling from her lips so fast I can hardly keep up with her. “He died for me, and I didn’t even…God, what the hell is wrong with me?”
I’m still too stunned to do anything to stop her as she pushes back from me, rolling the chair across to stare out at the New Gotham skyline. “I know…I know you don’t feel like…” She chokes on a sigh. “I’m in love with you. And I’m sorry, I know you don’t feel…I’m sorry.”
I can’t help the laughter that’s bubbling up as I begin to cry. When Barbara turns to look at me, horrified, I just shake my head. “Barbara…you saved me. I was a…a scared kid who’d just lost everything, and you took me in and gave me everything you had. You were warm, and you were beautiful and you gave me…a life.” I just shake my head slowly.
“How could I not fall in love with you?”
Barbara’s brow furrows and her head shakes. “But, Reese…”
“…Isn’t you.” Try as I might, I can’t meet her eyes. “He reminded me of you. The same focus, the same…righteousness.” I take a shaky breath. “I figured if I couldn’t have you, I could at least have a part of you.”
When I look back up, Barbara’s mouth is open, a light filling her eyes for the first time in a week.
“Helena…”
“When I think about everything that…”
“Come here.”
I can’t do anything else. I practically run toward her and as she leans up to capture my lips again I feel my heart skip. God, how did I go without this for so long?
When I finally find the strength to pull back, we’re both panting.
Barbara looks up at me and swallows hard. “We…we have to take this slow.”
“Right,” I grunt. Then I lean in for another kiss.
This time, Barbara’s tongue snakes out to touch mine, and I moan against her mouth. When we pull back again, her eyes are shining.
“Take me to bed. Slowly.”
As I effortlessly scoop her out of her chair, I grin. “Yes, ma’am.”
It’s all my fault, really.
It’s not like I couldn’t have seen where this was going, and I should probably know better than to just barge in on people. But I was worried about them.
Besides, if they’d wanted some alone time, they could have at least locked the door.
By the time I realized there was anything mortifying to see, I managed to just shoot them a quick thumbs up before slamming the door behind me.
Not that I minded so much.
I mean, wait until Gabby hears about this!
The End