Confirmed Habit
Preygurl
FANDOM: Birds of Prey
PAIRING: Barbara/Helena, H/D implied
RATING: NC/17 (You tell me)
DISCLAIMER: Same sex relationship/feelings/sex, etc. If you're not old enough or mature enough to read with an open mind or it's illegal in your neck of the woods, please don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. And another thing, I own nothing! It's called fan-fiction for a reason... fiction people... Fic me baby, fic me... >>
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If anyone has seen anything I've been writing today... You know I must be feeling some sort of frustration, so please forgive the pwp. Not beta'd, I've been writing on the fly, gotta get it outta my head. Thanks ~ B
Oh yeah... Warning: Angst abounds...
SUMMARY: When Helena calls, Barbara is there for her, again...
ARCHIVING: With permission, please.
E-MAIL: preygurl@svmcreations.com.
When the phone rings at 3 a.m., even with the darkness surrounding our city that is Gotham, I don't have to ask who is calling. I know.
"Hello Helena."
"Barbara, is that you?"
"Hey, you dialed the number. Am I who you were calling?"
"Right, yeah. Yeah, I was calling you. Am I bothering you?"
The sigh I release gives me away. I should hang up. She should hang up. In the end neither of us do. The woman on the other end of the line is my worst nightmare, my deepest desire, my demon, and my savior. I just can't decide from one moment to the next which one she really is to me. All of them...
"What's up Hel?"
"She asked me to leave, and not come back. Believe that will ya?"
I yawn and stretch, trying to snuggle back under my covers. Thinking to myself, 'Again.'
"Barbara? You there?"
"Yeah I am. And yeah I believe it. Again. And you're calling me at 3 a.m. to tell me this because?"
I know why she called. She wants my shoulder. She wants the Barbara she used to run to as a teenager, as a young woman, as a young lover. She has Dinah now, she chose Dinah over me. But when she hurts, when she aches, I am the ointment. I heal whatever ails her, she heals, she leaves, she goes back to the one who will hurt once again. A vicious cycle I should break, but I can't. Nightmare? Desire? Demon? Savior? I know. All of them.
I'm rambling to myself and I realize she has stopped talking. I really don't know when she stopped. I take a stab at what she might have been saying, I reach for my security remote, unlock the balcony doors and answered accordingly. "I've unlocked the balcony doors. The bed in your old room is made up clean. I have an early meeting before school tomorrow, so I'll see you tomorrow night before sweeps. Please fire up the security system again once you're in for the night."
There is silence at her end, then a sigh, then, "Oh right, you were in bed. I woke you. I'm about fifteen rooftops away. I just thought..."
"We could talk?" I can hear the pain in her voice as I answer almost incredulously, but I am tired of being sucked in, emotionally vacuumed out and then left behind to heal my own wounds.
"I know you have an early morning. You mentioned it earlier during sweeps. Maybe we can catch each other for breakfast or lunch? Okay, good, see you then. Good night Red."
Before I can answer her, she's off her cell. I drop my cordless back on it's cradle and let out a long deep scream. I glance towards the digital alarm clock sitting on my nightstand, 3:17. From my quick calculations and years of counting the minutes when she would return to me, fifteen rooftops at an average pace would be exactly 3.52 minutes from the time she told me where she was, that was at 3:15 by my recollection. I hear the balcony doors swing open, my security remote flashes red, amber, green, amber, green again. It's set again. Average pace, my ass. I reach under my pillow and pull out my tank top. I slip it on because I know regardless of our earlier conversation, she'll be coming in to talk or at least say thanks for letting her in.
After the Quinn incident we changed all the security codes, then about two months after Helena and Dinah moved out and into their own place (not the Wayne Manor), I changed the security codes again and added an additional layer, activated only by me. No more midnight visits from Helena. No more wondering if they'll have a fight and she'll just show up, or waking up in the middle of the night just to find her curled up at the end of my bed, head on my thigh, seemingly content, purring. I gave the override codes to the three of them, trusting that they would truly only use them if necessity arose.
She's stealthy, but I can hear her in the kitchen. I'm assuming she's grabbing a beer and some pop-tarts, which I still have Alfred keep in stock, because they still eat meals here. Next is footfall on the stairs, she is coming here, to my bedroom, for me. Then silence. She is outside my door, but not opening it. Perhaps she takes the closed door for what it is, I am shutting her out the only way I know how.
I must have dozed off, because I'm not sure how long it has been before I realize she is there, standing beside my bed. My eyes flutter open and there she stands. The room is dark save the dim light from my alarm clock, I can see her lithe form in the amber glow. She is nude. She doesn't notice that I'm awake, which is unusual for my meta-ex-lover. She reaches for the comforter to pull it down, getting ready to join me.
"Helena, no." I almost hiss, holding fast to the covers.
"Oh, you're not asleep? Did I wake you? Didn't mean to," she hangs her head in a way nearing bashfulness.
She doesn't let me speak, she just begins to slide on top of the covers, "I just thought, well, you wouldn't mind. Ya know?"
"Damnit Hel, you do to know I mind. We've been through this, you chose. We're through. Just go to the guest room."
She sounds on the brink of tears. Something that doesn't happen very often with this feral beauty. I can hear delicate little sniffles and near mewling coming from her as she speaks.
"I'm so sorry, Barbara. I thought holding you might make it a little better. She was so adamant about me not coming back. I know she doesn't mean it. But you always make it better, you know?"
"Better for who Hel?"
"We don't hafta make love. That's not why I came to you. Can you just hold me?"
The tone of her voice crumbles my resolve. For certain I can offer Helena some comfort without it turning into sex. Okay, I don't believe it either, but that's the nature of our relationship. I'm her drug, her painkiller if you will. She is my addiction.
Helena doesn't wait for me to argue or agree. Her cold body slides in beside me. I shiver as she snuggles up to me, waiting for the warmth between our bodies to meld and find it's own consistent temperature. She whispers her apologies as one cool hand grazes across my breast. An accident of course. I can see her face a little better now that she is beside me and not seemingly hovering over me. Her dark hair seems shorter than it was when I saw her last, just a few hours ago before she went on sweeps. It's nice, I want to run my hands through it, grab it, hold onto to it tightly while her head is bobbing between my thighs.
No, not again! I roll over as best I can, so I am not facing her.
This time, there is no mistake what she is doing. She is slowly stroking down my ribcage. I can hear and feel the low rumble of her purr. Supple, agile fingers grazing my breast, my side and moving lower to touch areas she knows I can't feel. But it doesn't stop her now, it never has in the past. I should stop her, but I've never been good at stopping her, or saying no to her.
"Helena, we shouldn't."
Her voice beckons me, "Please, just for tonight?"
"Dinah?"
"Please," a soft whisper carries across my ear. Gooseflesh appears over my whole body, even the parts I can't feel. I'm sure.
She knows exactly what pleases me. The comforter and sheets are being tossed to the floor, she is ready to pounce. She rolls me back over, her lips find mine, but only for a moment. I relish in the touch of cupids-bow lips, but miss them as soon as they are gone. She dives to my nipples, one by each she adores them. Perfect teeth nip and lick, harsh and tender. I feel her hair on my belly, then it's gone. I miss it already, maybe she'll linger longer next time. What am I saying? Next time?
She pushes my legs apart, crawling between them, she's carefully placing them over her shoulders. This I can feel, her moving into me, her fingers working my most private and needy parts. I see her lift her hand to her mouth, tasting me. She dips her head and makes contact. I shudder with delight, she moans something along the lines of 'strawberries, nectar' and that's that. She's pushing two fingers into me, nibbling on my tender flesh. I tried to resist, but I knew this is where I'd be losing the battle, but somehow feeling like a victor.
Helena lifts her head long enough to taunt me. "You didn't want to do this with me again did you?"
My moaning isn't enough for her.
"You want it, right? My hands on you, in you. You always want it. Tell me?"
"Yes damnit, I want it. I want you Helena!"
Her fingers are plunging in and out of me faster. She smiles as I come. It seems to be a mark she needed to reach tonight. She knew I'd give it to her, give her what she wanted. She smiles as she crawls up beside me, she knows that I can't resist her.
She doesn't wait too long before she nuzzles into my neck. "My turn?"
"Helena, I don't think I have the energy to..."
"Liar," she banters back, her voice a wisp over my jugular. "You'll never not have the energy if I am here giving myself to you, taking what you will give me."
Of course she's on the mark. I keep my course of action close to the vest. The things she wants in life, I'm not sure. The things that drive her, I'm unsure of. The things she needs here, now, I know without a doubt. I've known her longer than anyone else in her life, and she has only allowed me in so far. When we are here, I am closer to her than anyone else has or will ever be, Dinah included. This I know.
She has crawled over me and is on the inside part of the bed, the part that is against the wall. I roll over and reach into my nightstand. I take out everything she needs. Then I am lying face down reaching for the headboard where my handrails are wating to be my temporary stocks.
The blindfold is always first. She slips the cloth over my face, fastening tight behind my head. The room was dark to begin with, but now I can see nothing. She then ties my hair back into a pony-tail. One she can easily grab onto when she feels the need. Next I am bound to the rails of my headboard, the headboard that was once ours. I can feel myself growing hot and wet again, not that I ever really began to cool down. I pull on the restraints on my wrists, adjusting myself forward. I can feel Helena's pressure on the bed behind me. She doesn't need to tether my legs, but she does. The she reaches over, grabs a large bed pillow, lifts me and tucks the pillow underneath. Effectively propping me up, knowing that my body doesn't work that way.
I am now spread wide and at her mercy. Honestly, there is no one else's mercy I would even dare to be at. It is always up to her how long we play this game. This is what she needs. It makes me wonder if Dinah is not giving this to her. I can't imagine Helena not getting what she wants. I can hear her getting ready behind me. It pulls me back into the moment.
Rough movement pushes my legs farther apart, no that I can feel it. I just know. The hard cold (she could've at least warmed it a little) strap-on dildo pushed into me. I gasp at the savageness of her penetration. I am crying out, but not in pain, purely in pleasure. As she is having her way with me, there are moments of tenderness when she is caressing my back, gently running her tongue and fingers over my scars. Then there are moments of dark passion unleashed, when she is pumping in and out of me hard and fast, bruising my hips with her strong fingers, slapping my ass knowing that I can barely feel that particular region of my anatomy.
As much as this hard, fast fuck is arousing me, it is not for my benefit. This is what gets Helena off. She doesn't give a rat's ass if I get off this time. She'll do me until she get there, then she'll be done. My satisfaction be damned, I've been there already once tonight. Luckily I am very close to my second orgasm of the night. Then I'm there, I'm struggling against the tethers on my wrists, she doesn't care. She keeps pounding into me. I think she's crying. It sounds like lightning and thunder to me.
She is close, I can feel her nearing the edge. As her climax hit, she drives into me one more time. She is grinding against me. Her orgasm is intense, but short. Helena relieves me of my tethers, but not the blindfold. That's how she's always liked it. She helps me roll over and get settled. I tell her it is not necessary, she smiles and says it is. I was talking about the restraints, but I believe her answer to be the same either way.
She crawls up beside me pulling the covers from the floor over us. "I should sleep on the couch."
"Stay."
"Okay, but we need to talk before sweeps. Dinah is going to know what happened here."
"Doesn't she always?"
"Yes."
She is drifting off to sleep, nestled into my neck, her hand gently kneading the soft tissue under my right breast. I sigh. "Thank you."
"No, thank you."
"You're welcome."
"You know, I do love you," the voice is soft, but a whisper against my neck.
"I know."
I awake and she is gone. There is a note on my nightstand. Dinah called, they talked. It is all good on the homefront. They'd see me tonight before sweeps.
I promise myself to resist next time. I tell myself I won't answer the phone in the middle of the night. I'll change the codes again, not giving the secondary level out to Helena. I reach for the phone, turning the ringer off. Then I turn it back on.
I wonder if there is a twelve step plan for this kind of addiction.
~ ~ ~
10/21/05